Been & Going

[Parrot News]- Polly Wants a F*cking Cracker

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If you know me, or you’ve read my stuff, or you’ve sat next to me on the bus during a particularly mumbly day before deciding that sitting next to me probably wasn’t such a great idea and moving to sit next to the vomit encrusted homeless man instead with the enormous bag of cans then you probably know three things about me:

  1. I have some anger issues.
  2. My use of profanity is as liberal as my politics.
  3. I fucking fucking hate fucking birds. Screeching squawking sky rats- die birds die! Seriously they’re worse than John Boehner. Almost.

And of all the screeching squawking sky rats- parrots are the worst of the bunch. Oh, what- they’re cute you say? Harmless you say?? HA! You naive fool- you think all Polly wants is a cracker??? What Polly wants is to peck your eyes out and suck out your brains and dance a little parrot happy dance on your bleeding mutilated corpse. And a cracker.  She’ll take a cracker, too. She can spread your brains on the cracker and eat them like pate. Polly wants hors d’oeuvres, motherfucker. Polly wants hors d’oeuvres.

All of which is to say that I was particularly conflicted about this particular piece of Parrot News. I mean, sure, all parrots are evil- but how can I not love a parrot named Basil that swears in a strong Welsh accent and calls the people that rescue him “tossers”? How could anybody not love a parrot like that? Well, OK, maybe Sarah Fisk doesn’t love him so much- can you blame her? She was told when she bought him that he “may have picked up a few swear words” and not that he cussed like a Welsh sailor. This, BTW, should be a valuable lesson to Sarah Fisk to never again buy a parrot from an Israeli – “No, trust me. This is very good parrot. He knows one, maybe two little swear words. One or two, that’s it. It is not problem. Trust me. I give you very good price on this parrot because you are mispacha” (mispacha is Hebrew for “sucker”).

Of course, the best part of the story is that our friend Sarah thought that the parrot would stop swearing once she brought it into her loving home. Clearly, though, it did not. And why didn’t it? Because it’s evil. Oh, and because it’s A FUCKING PARROT AND HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT IT’S SAYING. But mostly cause it’s evil.  Better sleep with one eye open, Sarah-  Basil wants hors d’oeuvres.