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Parrot News- 011414

[Parrot News] The Bird Set Me Up!

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Last week, Guillermo Reyes, 49, was pulled over by police at a routine alcohol checkpoint in Mexico City. As he got out of his car, the police heard a voice from inside the vehicle say “he’s drunk” over and over again. Turns out this was his pet parrot. Mr. Reyes’ blood alcohol level did turn out to be over the legal limit, and he was put in jail for the night. Along with that backstabbing bird. Lucky him.

Sadly, this is not the first time that Mr. Reyes has been betrayed by his lifelong parrot companion, Narky.


Guillermo’s Mother: Little Guillermo- did you break my Mott The Hoople record?Parrot News- 011414- Mott

Little Guillermo: What? No! Of course not.

Little Narky: He broke the record Squawk. Broke the record.

Little Guillermo: (under his breath) Shut up Narky. (louder) I swear I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Little Narky: He broke the record. Squawk. Broke the record.

Little Guillermo: (under his breath) Be cool, Narky. (louder) Really I have no idea what could have possibly happened.

Little Narky: Broke the record.

Little Guillermo: Shut up!

Guillermo’s Mother: I’m so disappointed in you. Go to your room right now.

Little Narky: Broken record. Broken record. Broken record,

Guillermo’s Mother: And take that bird with you.

Little Guillermo: You can’t believe that bird. He’s just repeating himself over and over again like a…uhm…a

Little Narky: Broken record. Broken record. Broken record.

Little Guillermo: SHUT UP!

Guillermo’s Mother: Go to your room!

Little Guillermo: I hate you Little Narky!

Little Narky: Heh. Heh. Punk ass bitch.


R.A. (banging on dorm room door): What’s going on in there?

College Guillermo (inside room): Nothing, man.

College Narky: Smoking dope. Squawk. Smoking dubage.

R.A.: Is this true?

College Guillermo: (under his breath) Be cool, Narky. (louder) Of course not, man, it’s just a dumb bird.

College Narky: Smoking grass. Wacky Weed. Maui Wowie. Squawk.

College Guillermo: (under his breath): Shut up, Narky

R.A.: I’m coming in there.

College Guillermo: No!

(R.A. opens door. Huge cloud of smoke pours out)Cal Seething- 011414- FastTimes

R.A.: Alright. Come with me Jeff Spicoli. We’re going to the dean’s office. And bring that bird with you. You’re both expelled!

College Guillermo: I hate you, College Narky!

College Narky: Heh heh. Punk ass bitch.


Guillermo’s First Wife (opening front door): Honey, are you here? I’m home from work early. We can watch Twin Peaks together on VHS tapes!

Married Guillermo: Wait- don’t come up here!Parrot News- 011414- TwinPeaks

Married Narky: Banging your sister. Squawk. Banging your sister.

Married Guillermo: Shut up, Narky!

Guillermo’s First Wife (bursts into bedroom): Cecilia!

Guillermo’s Wife’s Marginally Hotter Sister Cecilia: I can explain…

Married Narky: They were boning. Squawk. They were boning.

Guillermo’s First Wife: Guillermo Reyes, you get out of here right now- and take that damn bird of yours with you!

Married Guillermo: I hate you, Married Narky!

Married Narky: Heh heh. Punk ass bitch.

And so we come to the present. Yet again, Mr. Reyes is betrayed by his parrot…which for some unfathomable reason he takes with him when he goes drinking. Seriously – why would you possibly take a parrot drinking- especially an asshole parrot? I mean, if you’re gonna drink- don’t drive, and if you must drink and drive- don’t take a parrot, and if you must drink and drive with a parrot- at least make sure it’s a parrot that can KEEP IT’S FUCKING MOUTH SHUT. Everybody knows that. That’s like some alcoholic bird owner 101 shit.

I guess his mom doesn’t trust him, he failed out of school and his wife left him so his parrot is all he has left. Which is reassuring, I suppose. when you think about it- no matter what goes wrong in your life, you’ll always have your parrot. For as long as he lives. The fucking douchebag treacherous asshole squawking miserable parrot that ruined your life. Right by your side. Until you die. Alone. And your neglected corpse lies rotting in your apartment until your neighbors finally burst through the door when they hear a faint, hoarse, dehydrated voice say:

Auto erotic asphyxiation. Squawk. Stroke and choke. Stroke and choke. Squawk.Parrot News- 011414- Michael

Also, I can’t explain why everyone in Guillermo Reyes’ life speaks English including his parrot even though they live in Mexico City. I can’t explain it and I won’t explain it and you can’t make me (holding breath. turning blue. passing out).

Here’s the story:



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