Been & Going

[Citizen Filter]: The Top Ten Reason I’m Fucking Angry This Year

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)

(Dear Mom, I’m sorry in advance for all the swears. Love, Sarah)

Well, here we are again at the fucking holidays and it’s been quite the year. America, I’m goddamn disappointed in you. You have fucked everything up and you didn’t even say you’re sorry. Say you’re sorry, right now, to all the women and minorities and undocumented immigrants. SAY IT. And mean it! Or I’ll make you hug until you do!

Here’s all the reasons we can bid a good goddamn riddance to 2014 as we wait for 2015 to let us down past the very low bar we set for it.


  1. All the fucking people murdered by cops and idiots for not being white.

Eric Garner, Michael Brown, Ezell Ford, Tamir Rice Adaisha Miller, Eleanor Bumpers, Miriam Carey, and on and on and on and on. Estimates are one black person a day is killed by law enforcement, but many of those deaths go unreported. The names of some of the black women killed are listed here, on Bougie Black Girl. Color of Change tweets out names on @KilledByCops. And check out this off the cuff video lecture on the intersection of society, history, racism, media and violence from Jesse Williams here. (For those of you going “but he’s just an actor!”, he also taught high school history for eight years, so listen up.)

  1. All the fucking people murdered, threatened, and driven from their homes and jobs by jackasses who are scared of women and people of color having a say in their corner of the world. #GAMERGATE, FUCK YOU.

Because apparently women are terrifying even when they leave your sandbox along and go create their own. It’s not about ethics in gaming journalism, it’s about controlling women and controlling the story you want to tell yourself about how women aren’t people. But Anita Sarkeesian, Brianna Wu, Felicia Day, and Zoe Quinn should not be credibly threatened with violence and death for talking about and creating games and supporting gaming narratives that are different than the dominant stories today. Female gamers deserve games that treat women as people, not props. And (I can’t believe I even have to say this) the countless women and people of color who have been shoved out of their profession and avocations for having the gall to work or want to work in a growth industry that connects technology and art deserve to get hired, keep their fucking jobs, and not have to put up with a thousand layers of misogynistic bullshit to do it.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Read this.

  1. All the children murdered by people who claim God is on their side. Pakistan, Palestine, Israel, and Nigeria in particular today.

Because to list all the countries would make me run into traffic. Are you in what you consider a holy war? A fight for your very identity? A war that justifies any means to your noble? Are some or many of the casualties children? Are you attacking children specifically? Are you proud of kidnapping and hurting these children?

Go to hell. You’re not helping your cause (unless your cause is hurting children), you’re not going to end your ward, and God is certainly not on your fucking side. Look and your choices and make different ones.

(And I hear you, too, pro-Israel Americans. But if you are defending the murder of over 500 children, it might just be time to question what your leaders are telling you right and true. Because of the 500 dead children. Who are dead.)

  1. And all the children (and people!) whose spirits and bodies have been broken by sex slavery, regular slavery, oppressive cultures and governments that do not accept their color, sexual identity, gender identity, desire for education and freedom.

I’M LOOKING AT YOU, UGANDA, SYRIA, PAKISTAN, MEXICO (#yamecanse), INDIA, and don’t think I don’t see your invisible slavery, North America and Europe. Slavery is more prevalent than ever and it’s everywhere. You can also got to hell. Oh, look, it’s the Global Slavery Index. Dear reader, educate yourself and then go develop an addiction (to something besides cocaine–that’s bad too) to numb yourself from all the shitty ways the world sucks.

  1. Donald Sterling and the hypocrisy of the NBA.

It’s only an outrage if he gets caught? Your business is run on the backs and bodies of black men! How fucking dare you? How dare you act as if it matters more because we know about it? How dare you act as if the fans who come from the very slums he owns are worth less than anyone else? How dare you act as if you are not culpable, as if you are righteous?

Donald Sterling was known to be racist, he was known to run slums, he was known to discriminate against minorities, and it took a recording sent to tabloid for any consequences to reach him.

  1. The nonprofit NFL, and its tacit agreement that hitting women is okay as long as it’s not on tape.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Why do you consistently tolerate the abuse of women whom you have made an unpaid part of your business plan? How do you sleep at night? And furthermore, do you honestly think that destroying the bodies and minds of these young men one concussion at a time leaves you with no responsibility? Take your hit. Take care of your players. Take care of your community. Clean your fucking house, because trust me, NONPROFIT BILLION DOLLAR BUSINESS, you do not want me to clean it for you.

  1. The utter insanity that is policing women’s bodies these days.

Wendy Davis spent 13 full hours standing on the Senate floor in Texas to ensure that, for one more freaking day, Texas women would have access to reproductive health care. And that’s not even that shocking, because…

…There were 694 legal provisions sought this year to directly legislate women’s bodies. Six hundred and ninety-four. The war on women is real, it’s here, and it’s winning. Who are the losers? (You ask, so innocently.) ALL OF US. When women don’t control their own bodies, when they lack access to birth control and abortion, poverty rates go up, education rates go down, hunger and homelessness go up, and we are all dragged down by the choices made for women by people who clearly have no idea what they’re talking about.

  1. Speaking of women, let’s talk about the heinous fucking way women and girls are still being treated when it comes to rape.

Here are some fun quotes to start you off. But let’s also talk about how at least three girls in an Oklahoma high school were raped by one awful guy who confessed to it ON VIDEO–I mean, really?!–and were bullied so badly for being sluts they all dropped out. Let’s talk about Rolling Stone fucking pulling its punches to protect a predatory group of young men who at the very least are widely known to overserve and manipulate young women into sexual encounters, and then blamed the victim for their suspect fact-checking. Let’s talk about how it took a second-string comedian making a joke about Bill Cosby’s serial rapes six months to bring attention to it and the (as of time of writing) 21 women who have come forward about their victimization received no attention in 14 fucking years. Let’s talk about how one percent of rapists is ever given any kind of punishment at all. Let’s talk about rape culture so distorts the perceptions of sex is and should be that getting a verbal ‘yes’ from your partner is seen as profoundly unsexy. Let’s talk about how that messaging and the internalization of women as objects turns good men into rapists. Let’s talk about how rape is seen as a women’s issue, so men are afraid to come forward about their own rapes and when they do, are dismissed as weak or lying. And this is just in the United States.

Let’s talk about a culture that so objectified women that a 22-year-old goes on a murderous rampage because he can’t get laid. And how it happened in Canada 25 years ago. And how it happened in Pennsylvania five years ago. And in Seattle this year.

Let’s talk about that.

  1. Ebola.

Why. Why. Why. Why did it take one American getting ebola to the international ball rolling on aid? Why was that person, a black male, sent home from the hospital? Why have we all forgotten it now? Why are we so goddamn blind to the plight of our fellow humans? Why. Why. Why.


  1. Fuck it, I’m exhausted.

Here’s picture of a kitten in some Christmas shit. Happy fucking Christmas, Happy goddamn New Year, and if you don’t get it the fuck together, 2015, there is going to be serious hell to pay.

christmas kitten

(One bright spot of the year: The Church of Satan has some nice religious equal access wins to counter the fucking ridiculous presence of Christianity in our government facilities. Bravo, Church of Satan. Also, Pope Francis did some good stuff. AGAIN. So boring, Pope, stop being so awesome.)

[Citizen Filter]: How To Make Mac And Cheese On November 24

1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (No Ratings Yet)
  1. Drive home with the radio on. Consider turning the radio off because you don’t want to crash. Be absurdly grateful that the cops are slowing traffic down right when the decision is read. Realize that it is because you are passing the exits to Crenshaw, Leimert Park, and West Adams. Get angrier and sadder all at once.

  2. Clutch the wheel until you realize your hands are going numb. Go to the grocery store. Hope irrationally that no one talks to you, because you don’t have anything to say today. Buy milk, cheese, wine, and a can of cinnamon rolls. Think about salad. Decide against salad. Salad is for easier times.

  3. Try to pay, think you lost your debit card. Freak out a little. Apologize a lot. Get home, park, realize your debit card was in your wallet the whole time, just in the wrong slot. Consider calling the store to apologize. Realize that doing that would be the mark of a crazy person.

  4. Put on water to boil. Wash the lid, but don’t dry it. Put the bottle of white wine in the freezer.

  5. Melt half a stick of butter in a pan on too-high heat. Turn down the heat. Realize it’s too much butter. Decide not to care.

  6. Pour the macaroni in the boiling water. Stir it a couple times.

  7. Throw a handful of flour into the butter. Stir it around. Think about Ezell Ford. Wonder what his family is feeling. Now you’ve got a roux.

    black lives matter

  8. Realize that you forgot to grate the cheese. Turn the heat off on the roux. Grate the cheese. Contemplate just eating the cheese and abandoning the mac. Grate more cheese.

  9. Turn the heat back on the roux. Stir it until it starts smelling good and not like flour anymore. Pour in milk, a little bit at a time. Stir it thoroughly, carefully, until you have a velvety pile of what looks like whipped goat cheese. Wonder if Mike Brown’s mom makes mac and cheese this way. Mutter “fuck it, none of this matters” and pour the rest of the milk in too quickly. Now your bechamel has all the heft of milk.

  10. Drain your pasta most of the way but not all the way because there are still dishes in the sink and you can’t be bothered to do them and pull out the colander.

  11. (Wonder ten minutes later why your pasta is overcooked and realize it is because you’ve basically been steaming it with the water left in the bottom of the pot.)

  12. Turn the heat up on the mostly-cold mostly-milk bechamel and stir in the cheese a little at a time. Remember Tamir Rice. Wonder if he liked mac and cheese. Throw in the rest of the cheese and a whole lot of black pepper and paprika and chili powder.

  13. Pull out a big bowl. Stir around the macaroni that is sticking to itself and breaking apart and start to pour it into the bowl. Pour in disgusting and starchy cooking water. Pour the water out of the bowl. Spoon the pasta into the bowl. Stir it again. Take the wine out of the freezer.

                                justice for

  14. Stare vacantly at the bowl for a while, thinking about Renisha McBride.

  15. Stir the cheese sauce. Ask it angrily why it won’t thicken. Turn the heat up.

  16. Repeat previously two steps, replacing Renisha McBride with Trayvon Martin, Danroy Henry, John Crawford III, the Scottsboro Boys, and on and on and on until you can’t stand to think anymore.

  17. Pour the sauce over the pasta. Struggle to open the bottle of wine. Find a bag of butter lettuce in the fridge and make a salad, because the sun will rise again tomorrow and you’ll need your vitamins. Pour a big glass of wine.

  18. Eat your food. Sift through Twitter. Message your friend about the links between poverty, violence, power, and racism. Tell her to get home safe. Pour more wine when she says “I will, I’m white.” Share messages about Ferguson. Look for updates on national protests. Wonder if making mac and cheese is racist at a time like this. Despair at your own internal racism. Hope you can be better than you are and listen more, do more.

  19. Don’t cry. You have no right to cry, because your sons, if you have them, will probably be white, and will live.

  20. Make your can of cinnamon rolls. Eat two. Go to bed. Wake up and do the work.

Use recipe whenever a person of color is gunned down by law enforcement. You may care to increase your exercise regime as more ad-hoc executions of people for the crime of living are expected this year. Side effects may include anger, frustration, rage, shame, and a sense of helplessness. If you are an educated white person with adequate financial resources, the sense of helplessness is psychosomatic and may be treated by checking yourself, donating to civil rights organizations, taking to the streets in solidarity, and shutting the hell up about how what people of color are saying is true is not in your experience and is therefore invalid. You might also read James Baldwin, bell hooks, James H. Cone, and Alice Walker.

baldwin sign

Mac and cheese will keep for 5-7 days in an airtight container in the fridge, and racial discrimination and criminalization of people of color apparently has no expiration date, because everything is terrible forever and America continues to be broken.