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[California Seething] Screw the Oscars Some More- Part II

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Hey- I bet you thought I forgot all about this and wasn’t going to write part 2. Ha! No such luck:

The “Best Performance That’s Going to be Totally Ignored Cause the Actor’s Not Playing Ugly or Crippled or Cal Seething- 022015- channingAutistic or Something” Award- Channing Tatum- Foxcatcher

It’s OK Academy Members- I get it. It’s not your fault. You’re old. Very, very old. Not like Grammy voter old but close. Your eyesight is fading, your hearing is shot and you’re so very tired. And who can blame you? You’ve worked hard! You’ve dedicated your lives to cynically churning out vacuous pabulum for the mindless consumption of the drooling masses and sucking each others’ egos off at awards shows. That’s exhausting even if you’re not dodging rape allegations!  It’s not even fair for us to expect you to thoughtfully evaluate a nuanced, carefully constructed, beautifully layered, multidimensional naturalistic acting job. That’s hard work- and you’ve got shit to do! You’ve gotta hit the early bird special at the Ivy (those who are tardy do not get fruit cup), accept your lifetime achievement award from the Douchebag Guild of America (DGA) and meet with your surgeon to delicately remove those last, pesky traces of your humanity (There’s no “I” in team and no “sag” in SAG). And as a result of this, you don’t want to see “acting”– you want to see “ACTING” you know- fake noses! Rapid weight loss! Beautiful people heroically diminishing their glamorous appearance so that they look like (gasp!) the rest of us! BTW- I don’t care how ugly you make yourself- it’s never “brave”.  Saving a cage full of bunny rabbits from a burning pet store is brave- gaining 20 pounds and not wearing make up is just fucking lazy. I mean, if being shulmpy was a feat of courage, I’d have the goddamn Presidential Medal of Valor by now-  hell I’m the motherfucking Chris Kyle of letting myself go to shit- but do I get any recognition Cal Seething- 022015- jenfor it? Nooooooooooooooo.  But Jennifer Aniston eats a piece of cake and they make a whole fucking movie about it (although- to be fair, she didn’t get nominated for anything, so my point doesn’t really make any sense. I just wanted to make a cake joke. I love cake! Cake anyone?)

And it’s nothing new- we all know the only reason Oedipus poked his eyes out was that Dionysus Award season was coming up and Sophocles was a total prize whore. He was like the Harvey Weinstein of ancient Greece- you should have seen the For Your Consideration ads for Antigone. Shameless.

Anyhow, my point here is that I don’t blame you guys for nominating two actors from Foxcatcher and ignoring the one who deserved it the most. But I do think you’re dumb. Really really dumb. I mean, Steve Carell is terrific as an unfunny Michael Scott with a Nicole Kidman nose job and Mark Ruffalo squints and drinksCal Seething- 022015- carellruffalo coffee like a young Olivier – but it’s Channing Tatum who straps this movie to his back and carries it like a piano up five flights of stairs only to get punched in the stomach when he reaches the top so that he has to walk down alone with nothing but bruises and the denim jacket he came with to show for his efforts. His role calls for no eloquent speeches, no flamboyant physical choices and only a modicum of histrionics. All he does, really, is turn in a deeply felt, grounded and utterly truthful performance. You know- no big. Just that little thing that every actor should aspire most to do above all else.  And, sure, I hear ya’ “Academy Award Nominee Channing Tatum”??? It’s like “Chief Justice Katy Perry” or “President Joe Biden” – but, hey- if they’re gonna recognize great performances- and, in particular, the performances in Foxcatcher, then ignoring Channing Tatum is just dumb. And I mean really dumb- like Anti-Vaxer dumb. Hey parents- listen- if you don’t want to vaccinate your kids – that’s fine. All I ask is that you just quarantine yourselves in some remote part of the country with all the other freaks and weirdos and never ever ever mix with normal people again. And, sure- I know that sounds awfully draconian- but I think you’ll really love Seattle! Plus- if you think you make dumb decisions- wait til you see the Seahawks offense! And what’s up with Republicans hoping on board the anti-vax crazy train? This is an idiot liberal thing, not an idiot conservative thing. Oh- I get it- it’s cause Obama said that vaccinations are good- right? Well- hey, I heard Obama said you shouldn’t drink drain cleaner- so maybe you should slug down some Drano and fucking die. You’ll have to name it something else, though- I mean, Drano does sound kind of Spanish- so….hey- maybe Freedom Cleanse. Yeah- that’s it- suck down your Freedom Cleanse assholes- cause every time a Republican dies, a climate scientist gets his wings.

“Why Would I Possibly Go See This Movie? Real Life is Depressing Enough”- Still AliceCal Seething- 022015-stillalice

Quick impression of the marketing guys for Still Alice trying to convince me to come see it:

Me: So what are you guys working on?

Marketing Guys: Oh- it’s this really great new movie called Still Alice.

Me: Oh yeah- what’s it about?

Marketing Guys: Well, it’s got a great cast- Oscar nominated actress Julianne Moore.

Me: I love her! So, what’s it about.

Marketing Guys: Alec Baldwin, Kristen Stewart….

Me: What an ensemble! So- what’s it about?

Marketing Guys: And it’s based on a bestselling novel that got really terrific reviews.

Me: Sounds terrific! What’s it about?Cal Seething- 022015- stillalicecast

Marketing Guys: Well. Uhm. See- Julianne Moore plays this really brilliant professor who’s married to Alec Baldwin and has this, like, totally perfect life until…you know…things go wrong.

Me: Wow! Sounds steamy! What happens?

Marketing Guys: Uhm…yeah…so, like I said…she has this totally perfect life with her sexy husband until she..uhm…well. Until she develops early onset Alzheimer’s.

(silence)

Me: Uhm, Yeah- that sounds…really…interesting.

Marketing Guys: But it’s, like, totally life affirming and inspirational and surprisingly funny and….

Me: Oh…sure…yeah….sounds really…interesting.

Marketing Guys: So you should totally come see it.Cal-Seething--100714--punky

Me: Oh…absolutely….I’ll really try. I mean, I’m like super busy this month with work and Tu B’Shevat and Punky (PUNKY!) and everything…but- yeah- I’ll totally try to come…see it.

Marketing Guys: Great! It’s now playing….

Me: Yeah- so- I really have to…

Marketing Guys: Oh…sure…well…see you…

Me: Gotta go! (Cloud of dust. Hole shaped like me in the wall.)Cal Seething- 022015- hole

See, one of the great things about movies is their power to transport us to far away places- places that we could never go to otherwise: the far reaches of space, crazy hazy LA in the swinging 60’s, a grand European hotel at the precipice of it’s glorious decline. But why would I want a movie to transport me to the fascinating and exotic world of Early Onset Alzheimer’s???  What’s next? A fantastical journey into the magical realm of Diabetic Nerve Pain? Skin Cancer- The Musical? Osteoporosis on Ice??? (that one is particularly problematic and also awesome.) Shit, I don’t need a movie to transport me into the world of an Alzheimer’s patient- I’ve already got my worst anxiety nightmares for that (or, sadly, til recently, a quick flight to Albany.) And don’t talk to me about how good a movie it is or how well made a movie it is- hell, you can offer me first class seats on the Concorde with free champagne and a hand-job- but I ain’t flying to Buffalo (or, who are we kidding? Albany). Listen, if I forget where I put my glasses or can’t think of the Hebrew word for monkey I’m calling the Mayo Clinic for an emergency diagnosis, so as far as I’m concerned this isn’t a touching and heart-warming family drama- it’s a goddamn horror movie with Alzheimer’s as Freddy, Michael and Chuckie all rolled into one. Only instead of punishing teenagers for having sex, it punishes the Middle Aged for not being dead yet.

Best 3D Movie (by Default)- Goodbye to LanguageCal Seething- 022015- goodbye

OK- quick trivia question. What’s the coolest movie of all time?

Ocean’s 11? Not even close. Pulp Fiction? Getting warmer. The Lego Movie? You’re dead to me. No- the coolest movie- by far and away- is Breathless. I mean- come on- what’s cooler than Jean Paul Belmondo (which is French for “bad motherfuker”) cruising around Paris in a convertible wearing shades and smoking Galouises with his spunky, short haired girlfriend at his side and the Eiffel Tower in the corner of his eye as he dodges the law, imitates Humphey Bogart and philosophizes? Nothing. The answer is “nothing”. (also the best answer to give if Godard asks you “what’s the point of it all?” or “how do I make love last” or “why are there so many songs about rainbows- what’s on the other side?” cause he’s probably just testing to see if you’re cool- like really cool- cool enough to go get gelato with him. But not any gelato- really cool Parisian  gelato- like “Cigarette Ash Hazelnut Despair” or “Hopeless Huckelberry”.) Breathless has it all- casual sex, casual violence and casual existentialism. Naked people having a long sullen conversation that goes absolutely nowhere, groundbreaking cinematography, a press conference scene with a famous novelist cause why the fuck not- I’m Jean Luc Godard- bitch! What are you gonna do about it???? Plus – let’s not forget the coolest death scene of all time. Jean Paul Belmondo (French for “yeah- well, so’s your mother”) is gunned down while running from Monsieur Law- and as he lies on the street he looks up at his treacherous girlfriend he exhales a mouthful of Galouises smoke with his dying breath and says “bitch”….or maybe “puke” – nobody ever translates it the same way – but everyone agrees- it sure as merde ain’t “je t’aime”. But here, here, here- don’t take my word for it- watch this yourself. It’s OK- I’ll wait:

So- why am I talking so much about a movie that’s older than Barack Obama and almost as cool? Because that was a Jean Luc Goddard movie that I can actually describe – Goodbye to Language? Good fucking luck. Hell, even people who stayed awake the whole time have no idea what happened. Here’s Godard’s own summary- first posted as a handwritten summary on Twitter (which sort of nails Godard right there):Cal Seething- 022015- godardsummary

“The idea is simple: A married woman and a single man meet. They love, they argue, fists fly. A dog strays between town and country. The seasons pass. The man and woman meet again. The dog finds itself between them. The other is in one, the one is in the other and they are three. The former husband shatters everything. A second film begins: the same as the first, and yet not. From the human race we pass to metaphor. This ends in barking and a baby’s cries. In the meantime, we will have seen people talking of the demise of the dollar, of truth in mathematics and of the death of a robin.”

Now for some of you, this may seem to be a rather unorthodox use of the word “simple”- but those of us that are theatre professionals are very well acquainted with it as in: “it’s a very simple show. Bare stage, music stands, a couple of microphones, some simple hand props, very limited choreography, a three- maybe four piece band tops, just a couple of video screens, two tiny little pyrotechnic effects – barely more than sparklers really, one really short ninja battle on wires, and at the end, we just want the main character to very simply levitate over the audience out of a tiny little hole in the roof of the theatre and get picked up by a helicopter. That’s it. Very simple.”

And not only was it impossible to figure out what’s going on-half the time, it was impossible to figure out what to look at. Shots were overlayed on top of each other and split so that at time each eye was receiving a completely different image. As a result, my vision was often blurred and unfocused. I found the best way to deal with that was to look away form the screen and focus both eyes clearly on one point- like, oh, let’s say my watch so I could figure out just how much more time was left until I could get the hell out of there, and longingly speculate about how many steps it would take to me get the fuck out.

So, if it was so painful to watch, why am I saying that this is the Best 3D Movie of 2014? Well, I guess cause it’s the only 3D movie I saw in 2014. Actually- it’s Cal Seething- 022015- jpbelthe only 3D movie I’ve seen, ever- and frankly- I think that’s awesome:  “Oh- what- you don’t listen to music in your car- just NPR and Serial podcasts? And you- you don’t even HAVE a television- you just watch Portlandia on your iPad? Well, I’ve never seen a 3D movie- except Jean Luc Godard’s Goodbye to Language. Now excuse me while I slap on some shades, fire up a Galouise and drop the mic- LE BOOM!”

And that’s the great thing about Godard. At 83 years old, he’s still the coolest motherfucker in cinema- and he makes you feel cooler just by watching his movies. I mean- dude makes one movie in 3D and totally changes the game, his cinematographer built his own custom 3D camera rigs, he cast his dog- and not like in a little cameo or something but as one of the leads- and the dog CRUSHES IT. If I didn’t already say Channing Tatum was the most overlooked actor- I’d give it to the dog. So what if I have absolutely no idea what happened, so what if I spent half the movie Cal Seething- 022015- dogasleep and the other half wondering if my glasses were broken, so what if I was such a 3D novice that when the “please put your glasses on now” slide came up with the 3D image of the revolving glasses I yelped involuntary and screamed “OH MY GOD- THEY’RE COMING RIGHT AT ME!!!” like a turn of the century Frenchman jumping out of the way of the oncoming train on the screen. This was a cool movie- and it made me feel cool. When I left this movie- I felt like John Paul Belomndo. An extremely confused John Paul Belmondo with a splitting headache- but, John Paul Belmondo nevertheless.

Actually, I have to give the credit here to my wife. It was her idea to go see this flick. Cause, let’s keep it real- left to my own devices- I wouldn’t choose to watch anything more foreign than House Hunters International. And while that might seem awfully superficial- there is nothing Godard could create which is more baffling and incomprehensible than a pair of bloated American rubes looking for a newly renovated apartment in Paris with a view of the Eiffel Tower, outdoor space, open plan kitchen and a man cave for under $500,000. Seriously you loathsome, entitled, cornfed morons- what the hell are you thinking???? Oh right- the answer is nothing.

“I Don’t Care How Good You Say It Is- There’s No Fucking Way I’m Seeing It”- BoyhoodCal Seething- 022015- boyhood

Yeah, yeah, yeah- I know it’s supposed to be sooooooooo good- but why would I possibly want to see it? Oh oh oh- so I can find out what it’s like to really grow up in Texas? I thank God every DAY that I don’t know what it’s like to really grow up in Texas. I’ve already had film and TV teach me everything about Texas that I could possibly need to know: The Ewings have all the oil, McConaughey has all the weed, and the Alamo has no basement- what the fuck else is there? And Richard Linklaiter is boring. But not in that super cool, ennui and cigarettes, Paris in the 60’s, mind bending narrative kind of way. More in the pseudo-deep college freshman, half literate psycho babble, shut the fuck up already kind of way.

Plus, if I don’t see how old Ethan Hawke has gotten- I can still pretend that I’m 25. Cause there is nothing pretty about Gen X at middle age- I mean, have you seen Janeane Garofalo lately? Reality done bit.

I Know, I Know, I Know- I Totally Have to See It- Just Haven’t Gotten Around to It Yet- GET OFF MY ASS – BirdmanCal Seething- 022015- birdman

OK- let’s get something very very clear.

I AM going to see Birdman.

Birdman is a movie that I plan to see.

On a list of movies that I intend to view, Birdman Is prominently featured.

Seriously- I don’t know how many more ways I can say it (seven?)- but I have absolutely every intention of seeing this movie. So you can stop telling me that Michael Keaton is one of the most underrated great actors of his generation and stop telling me how AMAZING Emma Stone is, and what a fine performance Edward Norton turns in and what a total directing genius Inarritu is and how I, as a theatre person, would especially appreciate it because I know, I know, I know and I am absolutely, positively going to SEE BIRDMAN- so you can STOP TELLING ME I HAVE TO. Because I’m getting pretty fucking tired of having this conversation every time I’m talking to someone about last year’s movies:

Me: …and that’s why anyone who likes Nightcrawler should be punched in the face.

Everyone: Wait- I thought that was anti-vaxxers?

Me: No, no, no- anti-vaxxers should all be infected with polio so I can sneak into the hospital late at night, unplug all their iron lungs and leave a note saying “At least you’re not autistic :)?”

Everyone: Oh. Right (long pause). So…what did you think of Birdman?

Me: Well, I…

Everyone:  Don’t you think that Michael Keaton is one of the most underrated great actors of his generation?Cal Seething- 022015- birdcast

Me: Uhm- well…

Everyone: And wasn’t Emma Stone AMAZING? And didn’t Edward Norton just turn in a brilliant performance?

Me: I suppose….

Everyone: And, of course Inarritu is a total directing genius.

Me: Well….

Everyone: I would think you, as a theatre person can appreciate it way more than I can!

Me: I guess

Everyone: So – what did you think?

Me: Well. Uhm. I guess. I mean. The thing is… I haven’t seen it.Cal Seething- 022015- ren

Everyone: You- WHAT?????? (Eyes pop out of head in the manner of a cartoon wolf with comical “aooogah” sound)

Me: Yeah- I mean… I’m going to….

Everyone:  Oh. You just have to. Michael Keaton is one of the most….

Me: I know.

Everyone: And Emma Stone- AMAZING. And Edward Norton….

Me: I know.

Everyone: And, as a theatre person, you would especially….

Me: I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. I’m going to see Birdman. I’m going to see Birdman. As god is my witness in the motherfucking sky I AM GOING TO SEE BIRDMAN!!!!!

Everyone: Oh. (pause) OK.

Me: (breathing heavily. Face red): Happy now???

Everyone: Yeah. Sure. (pause) So….what did you think was the best 3D movie last year?

Me: (suddenly brightening): I’m glad you asked!

Now, at this point, gentle reader, you might want to ask- “So….hey…crazy person- why don’t you just watch Birdman?” And let me assure you- there’s a good reason- a VERY good reason why I haven’t gotten around to seeing it yet. And the reason is…I don’t Cal Seething- 022015- hhknow. I have Birdman. I’m excited to watch Birdman. I want to watch Birdman. I NEED to see Birdman. And yet- each night when the time comes to decide whether to watch Birdman or House Hunters I find myself, 20 minutes later, yelling
“Pick number 3, you loathsome fuckwits!! There’s outdoor space AND a  man cave!!!! What more do you want???” And Birdman goes unwatched for another day.

At this point, I’m terrified that there’s no way this movie can possibly live up to all the expectations that have built up- and that’s why I’ve decided to give my Movie of the Year Award to Birdman– not for the movie that was actually made, but to the unrealistically amazing one that’s been built up in my imagination. I just hope in the real one they keep the marshmallow fluff wrestling and that Keaton is HALF as good with a light saber. He’d better be, if he’s gonna do that thing where he cuts Boehner’s dick off and carves “Libertarianism is stupid” into Rand Paul’s forehead all in a single move.

OK- well, that’s it I guess. I give you my picks for noteworthy accomplishments in film in 2015- just 2 days before the Academy gives theirs and six weeks after everyone else in the world seriously stopped giving a shit. And you know what- I’m so inspired by finishing this, that I think I will watch Birdman after all- although- wait- oh my god- is that Tiny House Hunters I see? “Don’t pick number two, you hippie dingleberries!!! How are you gonna squeeze a man cave into a yurt????” Oh well, sorry Birdman. I Cal Seething- 022015- rbgguess I’ll never know what happens in the movie after Michael Keaton and Ruth Bader Ginsburg do a bunch of Jager bombs and then attend the State of the Union address only to sneak out afterwards to Clarence Thomas’ house to leave a flaming bag of equality on his doorstep.

Anyhow, I’d better watch it soon- cause after this Sunday, I’m gonna have to turn my attention to the movies of 2015. Fine original works of cinema like The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Insurgent, and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. And what, do you ask, am I most excited to see in 2015? Well the answer, as ever, is nothing.

Although- wait- isn’t Furious 7 coming out this year?? Woo-Hoo!!! Oh, oh, oh, oh- you’re going to judge me now? I’m sorry- what was your favorite 3D movie of 2014, again? Yeah- that’s right. Le BOOM.

Cal Seething- 022015- furious

[California Seething] Screw the Oscars – My Awards are Better

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The Oscar nominations were announced recently and, due to the lack of diversity, it now looks like these will officially be the Cal-Seething--012514--whitewhitest Oscars since 1998. Woo-Hoo! We’re Number One! In your face everybody else! Wait, no, sorry. Inappropriate. It’s actually terrible. Shockingly terrible. I haven’t seen a result this shocking from an old white male voting pool since….oh…well, I guess it would have to be the midterms. OK, but before that, well, if you want to get a result this disappointing, well, golly, you’d have to go all the way back to, oh let’s see, if I remember correctly, I think it would have to be almost every single election in the history of forever.

And, of course the other big story from the Academy Awards nomination announcement is Cheryl Boone Isaacs’ mispronouncing “Dick Pope” as “Dick Poop.” Although, some believe that this was actually a Freudian slip expressing how she felt about having to announce yet another fucking white guy, cause she also mispronounced Bennett Miller as “this is some bull-shit” and Clint Eastwood as “Ana Duverney.”

Now at this point, many of you are asking- “Hey, Eric- why do you even give a shit about the Oscars? It’s not like you like movies.” Well, let me the record straight, here. Nothing could be further from the truth. Hell, I’m not even sure how you got such a crazy idea. I mean, I suppose it might be because of posts I’ve written like “Summer Movie Preview- I Didn’t See Any, You Can’t Make Me” and “Sharkando 2 Makes Citizen Kane Look Like a Steaming Pile of Crap” but it’s probably because I’m a Jew and you’re anti- Semitic. Yeah, that’s it, nothing to do with what I wrote- hell, what’s the fun of taking responsibility for my actions when I can just accuse you of being a bigot? And you’re not even a good anti-Semite- I mean, if I’m a Jew, I should love movies- after all, the Jews controlCal Seething- 012515- hollywoodjew Hollywood, don’t they? I mean, not my family, we were never popular enough to join the really cool Jewish conspiracies. Not the Zionist Occupation Government, not the International Jewish Banking Cartel, and DEFINITELY not the Left Wing Jewish Intellectual Media Elite, hell, that’s like the Sky Bar of Jewish cabals. They offer Christian blood in bottle service.

No, the closest my family ever came to World Domination is having a moderately rich (not even Albany rich- like, Troy rich) great uncle who had a tiny ownership share of the Jets back in the 60’s. And let’s face it, that’s not so much a proud family legacy of power and glory. It’s just one more embarrassing box to check on the Family Medical History form of my life- Diabetes- CHECK, Heart Disease- CHECK, endlessly cheering for fucking losers year after year after year after year while your youth and your hope and your life slip away and all you’re left with are rage issues, a green pom-pom hat and a compost heap of broken promises where your heart used to be- check CHECK MOTHERFUCKING CHECK. But, hey, that’s my family legacy for you. We’re the Anti-Krafts, the Protocols of the Shmendricks of Zion. So take that microaggressors!! You see- not all Jews are successful. We’re banding together with the other victims of microagression- Asians who suck at math, black people who can’t dance, and gay men who are comfortable with their less than perfect abs. We’re through being polite and we say “NO MORE , please!” Take your well intentioned and, if I’m honest with myself, somewhat flattering BIGOTRY and shove it up your ass- assuming, as a white person, that you have enough ass to shove it in. #JeSuisDonNoSoulSimmons

Speaking of defying stereotypes- I was very encouraged, particularly in light of my last post, by all the number of Islamic leaders and academics who’ve spoken out against the attacks in Paris- most notably the leader of Hezbollah. Now I’m no terrorist, but if the head of Hezbollah is condemning your actions- you might have gone too far. Might be time to just dial it back a little. It’s like Marion Berry showing up to Rob Ford’s intervention or Bill Cosby giving Jameis Winston dosage instructions.

Anyhow like I was saying….at some point earlier today…I think… there’s a pervasive perception that I don’t like movies and it’s justCal Seething- 012515- crap not true. I love movies! What I don’t like is crap, and unfortunately, Hollywood studios don’t make movies anymore- they make crap. They manufacture as much brain-dead CGI fertilizer as they can, so they can spread it across the fertile fields of China and grow a new crop of suckers  movie lovers. So, sure, if you want to catch a Third Man, Night and the City double header or analyze Chinatown as an expression of Vietnam era American disillusionment- I’m your man. But if you want to catch the latest CGI cum stain to be spooged all over an IMAX screen by Michael Bay (I had a bunch of Transformers as a kid- but I don’t remember the one that turned from shit into cash) or any movie featuring the one man oompa-loompa minstrel show that is Kevin Hart (does Chris Tucker know his mini-me is loose?) you’re on your own.

Now of course not all movies are crap- but how can you tell which ones are worth seeing?  Well, it’s not easy- but I’ll share my top secret technique with you here, refined over many years. So- here’s what I do. When I hear that a new movie is coming out, and Cal Seething- 012315- archer2I’m trying to decide if I want to go see it, I say “Huh. Well that sounds like total crap” and I stay home and watch Archer reruns in  my underwear instead. Works every time!

Well, ok, maybe not every time. Sometimes, there might be a movie that I’m really tempted to see- like, let’s say Jeff Bridges is in it or there’s a really cool song in the trailer that’s not actually in the movie. Well, in that case, I wait until someone affiliated with the movie, like, oh let’s say Jeff Bridges, is on Jimmy Fallon. And then I watch impatiently as the Golden Retriever of talk show hosts obsequiously slobbers all over Mr. Bridges with his drooling declarations of undying love, until they show the clip, of, oh let’s say The Giver. I watch the clip carefully, scrutinizing every nuance- dialogue, cinematography, mise en scene. And THEN once I’ve carefully weighed the evidence and given it some thought, I say “Huh. Well that looks like total crap” and I stay home and watch Archer reruns in my underwear instead.Cal Seething- 012315- archer1

But, then, of course, the end of the year rolls around, and the studios dump all their award bait on the marketplace like prestige diarrhea. This is my cinematic Groundhog Day. The time when I stick my head out of my comfortable pop-culture hole in the ground, grudgingly put on a pair of pants ON THE WEEKEND and drag my ass out to see what Paul Thomas Anderson has come up with. And if I see something good, than it restores my faith in humanity’s ability to create something worthwhile, albeit infrequently, for another year. If not…well that’s where my manifesto comes in- but let’s hope it never comes to that- because, hey, as turns out, there were actually a few pretty good flicks this past year. (I’m joking of course about the whole manifesto thing.  You got that, NSA guys- there’s nooo reason at all to be concerned. But- hey- thanks for reading Been & Going! I’m touched, really. Like us on Facebook! That’s where I post all the REALLY big threats to national security. Kidding! But seriously, like me to find out for sure.)

So- alright, if I’m gonna watch these damn movies, then you’re gonna suffer right along with me- so, here, in honor of “Award Season” (recently ranked #4 on Terrible Seasons Magazine’s Top 10 list –right behind “Monsoon Season”, “Tick and Lyme Disease Season” and “Baseball Season”(shudder)) here are my own, personalized 2014 movie awards. Enjoy- or, at the very least, be thankful that I didn’t ask Ricky Gervais to host (shudder).

The “I Wanted to Love It but Only Sort of Liked It” Award- The Grand Budapest HotelCal Seething- 012314- grand

Look, I like Wes Anderson. No, you know what- fuck that- I LOVE Wes Anderson. I’ve seen just about every damn thing he’s made- and I’m not just talking about the Big Three- Rushmore, Tennenbaums and Zissou- I’m talking Bottle Rocket, I’m talking Fantastic Mr. Fox– hell I even saw the totally pointless Jason Schwartzman hotel room web video thing that was like a companion piece to that totally pointless Jason Schwartzman India movie. And you know what else I love? Hotels! And the faded glory of architectural masterpieces! And Cold War Europe! And complicated story structures! And WES FUCKING ANDERSON! So- yeah, I was super-duper-extra-plus-camel-on-Wednesday-actor-who-booked-national-Geico-commercial-Jason-Schwarzman-when-he’s-running-low-on-weed-and-he-finds-out-Wes-Anderson’s-making-a-new-movie-Obama-cause-now-he-doesn’t-have-to-give-a-FUCK excited to see this movie. So, given that, it’s possible that no movie could have lived up to my expectations. Hell, Wes could have made a remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre where the New England Patriots’ bus breaks down on their way to Dallas and they get hacked to bits gruesomely in slow motion by Leatherface (Jerry Jones, natch) and I still would have been like- what- no Chris Christie??Cal Seething- 012315- christie

So, yeah, sure, Hotel checks all the Wes Anderson boxes- fanciful world crafted with dollhouse precision, extravagant characters costumed to almost self-conscious perfection, a framing device which embraces the whimsical storytelling and imbues it with wistful nostalgia, and Bill Murray- just cause- all there. But, in all of his other movies, there is The Moment. It’s that point in the movie where he delicately pushes my ribs apart and squeezes my heart like a dog’s toy, so that all that comes out of my mouth is a squeaky little gasp as I sit breathless and broken and captivated completely. “I’ve had a really rough year, Dad” in Tennebaum, “I wonder if it remembers me” in Zissou,  hell, even that totally pointless India movie had “I couldn’t save mine”.

It’s the bittersweet filling that makes the fluffy cinematic confectionery so utterly satisfying. And in Hotel- it wasn’t there. I never had The Moment. Now, maybe it’s me. Maybe I was so angry and distracted by the sheer stupidity of the animated ski race Cal Seething- 012515- stingsequence that I forgot to feel it. Maybe I need to watch it again. Whatever it was, for me this movie was beautiful but unsatisfying- Tantric filmmaking at it’s finest. Hell it was so Tantric, it was like having sex with Sting, while listening to the Police and reading an insightful New York Times article about the box office struggles of The Last Ship. Turns out, BTW, that The Last Ship was a lot like having sex with Sting-  it’s really good but nobody comes. Thank you. I’ll be here all week. No, I mean it. This is a very long post.

I should add that, if Wes Anderson does clean up at the Oscars for Hotel, then he’ll also win this year’s “Scent of a Woman” Award given to the artist who gets the most deserved recognition for the least deserving movie. The last time I gave this was in 2007 to the Coen brothers for casting the sexiest Spaniard alive in Dumb y Dumbero.

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The “I’d Like to Thank the Academy for Agreeing with me that this Movie Blows” Award- Nightcrawler

So, of course, we all know how important the local TV morning news is and how much power is wielded by the producers of local Cal Seething- 012315- jakeTV morning news to shape our understanding of the very world we live in. What’s that? No? Oh right- cause it’s TWO THOUSAND FUCKING FIFTEEN. Why would anyone possibly make a movie exposing the sleazy underbelly of the local news game, unless they were trying to appeal to the dentures and Depends set? And if that’s the case- what’s next: Andy Rooney- Baby Eater;  I Watched CBS and Now I Have Gonorrhea; If You Didn’t Want to Be a Burden then You Should Have Just Died  I mean, I like a scrawny, bug-eyed, amoral Jake Gyllenhaal spewing vacuous corporate double speak as much as the next guy….and judging by how much love this movie got when it first came out – the next guy must REALLY like that a lot, because there’s not much else that’s good about this movie. Nightcrawler is like a Harvey Wallbanger- it’s straight out of the 70’s and it would have sucked then. And I’m not just talking about the fact that it’s a local news movie in a Fox News world. Everything about it oozes pet rocks and bell bottoms. The fetishized urban grit, the tell-don’t-show screenwriting, the ridiculously heavy handed imagery (LOOK- Broadcast Towers! SEE how they dominate the landscape of Los Angeles AND OUR MINDS!!!), Rene Russo. It’s like they went back in time to 1976 to go dumpster diving near Paddy Chayefsky’s house and stole all the shitty scenes he threw out while writing Network.

When I saw this movie, I was worried that I was the only one who noticed it wasn’t very good- since it garnered a lot of critical attention and positive reviews from people I know and respect. That’s why I was so relieved when it was pretty well snubbed by the Academy. I was still a little baffled that Dan Gilroy got a Best Screeplay nomination, but then I remembered who was in the Academy and I realized that maybe an expose of local morning news wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Hell, they Academy voters are all excited to see who plays Andy Rooney next year. I hear Idris Elba’s amazing!

The “I’d Like to Thank the Academy for Agreeing with Me This Movie Was Awesome” Award- FoxcatcherCal-Seething--012315--fox

I’ve got to admit, I’ve been surprised by the response to this movie. I mean, I fucking loved it-but, as the year drew to a close, it seemed a lot of critics were sort of “meh” about it. And I just don’t get it. I mean, sure, some of the pacing was excruciatingly slow. And, yeah, ok, maybe the storytelling was a little wonky. And, fine, I get it, it’s one thing for audience members to leave early but when the main character walks out three quarters of the way through the movie  like “I don’t know about you guys- I’m out of here!” that’s sort of a red flag. And, ok ok ok ok FINE the Big Shocking Event that the movie is based on happens at the very end and feels totally tacked on like part of a “where are they now” montage at the end of an 80’s summer camp teen sex comedy. And, yes yes yes, I get it already- the plight of emotionally underdeveloped white dudes is hardly unexplored cinematic territory. I mean- hey, what’s next- a sheriff moves to a lawless town and tries to impose order. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan develop a relationship via some at the time cutting edge and now outmoded means of mass communication  (so many classics: Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, Dot Meets Dash, I Only Have Eyes Semaphore You and MySpace or Yours.) So, huh, sure, I guess now that I think of it- Foxcatcher is a terrible movie! What the hell was I thinking? It’s garbage! I should just shut up and watch Oxygen. Oooh- I Want to Fax You Up is on- that’s my favorite Hanks/Ryan movie!

OK, so, yeah in the cold light of day maybe all the issues with this movie become apparent- but while I was watching it, the movie had me totally enveloped in its sweaty intimacy like a Mark Ruffalo bear hug. All I know is that, regardless of the flaws, I was right Cal Seething- 012315-toucanthere, living every painful, queasy, humiliating moment with Mark Schultz as he mistook John DuPont for a plutocratic Toucan Sam and followed his nose- only instead of Fruit Loops, he found  disappointment, disillusionment and despair (soggy Fruit Loops).

Anyhow, I was worried for a little while that I loved this movie way more than everybody else- but then I saw how many nominations it got and I felt vindicated. There’s nothing better than being validated by a bunch of racist, geriatric, sexist white men. Wow- this feels great- no wonder Mitch McConnell’s so happy!

If nothing else, you should see Foxcatcher for three simple (or, ok, not so simple) words: “ornithologist, philatelist, philanthropist”. See the movie, watch the scene I’m talking about and tell me that it’s not fucking awesome. No- go ahead- tell me. Cause, seriously- whatever evidence you present, whatever arguments you make- I’m just gonna keep saying that you’re wrong wrong wrong. Wow. This feels great. No wonder Ted Cruz is so happy!

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The “Fuck the Academy- What do They Know Anyhow?” Award- Inherent ViceCal Seething- 012315- vice

So- ok, you know everything I just said about Foxcatcher being great despite it’s obvious flaws? Multiply that by, like, a googolplex (a googolplex, of course is an unfathomably large number-not to be confused with the “Googleplex” which is home to an unfathomably large number of Bay Area tech money dickholes), replace sweaty wrestling with stoner noir, add in a totally baffling plot about LA land use, Nazi prison gangs, vast right wing conspiracies and, I think, dentists?? And what do you have? An absolute total fucking disaster area of a movie- but a goddamn entertaining one.  The most entertainingly baffling LA movie since Southland Tales- and yes, I mean that as a compliment.

Inherent Vice is the unholy wedding of Big Lebowski and Chinatown, with Joanna Newsom as the officiant using the vows Thomas Pynchon stole from Nancy Reagan’s astronomer. Watching Inherent Vice is like watching Paul Thomas Anderson play Jenga using electric eels and jellyfish while blasting Sly and the Family Stone, driving a 1964 Dodge Dart from Manhattan Beach to Hollywood and rolling humongous joints in pages randomly torn from The Big Sleep, the Crying of Lot 49  and the Thomas Guide he’s supposed to be navigating with- all at the same time. And, yes- I also mean that as a compliment.

Actually, my feelings about this movie can all be summed up by a conversation I had with a spunky, short haired waitress (who only knows about the 60’s because  60’s nostalgia in the 80’s was part of the 80’s nostalgia she grew up with in the 00’s) late at night at a Vietnamese place in Culver City. She overheard that we were talking about the movie and said “Oh- are you guys talking about Incoherent Vice? I watched that last night and had absolutely no idea what was going on but I loved every minute.”  I laughed and complimented her on her cleverness for “Incoherent Vice” and she said, very earnestly and slightly crestfallen “Oh, wait- that’s not what it’s called?”

OK, fair enough- but if incoherence is a vice- then it’s one many of our finest writers periodically suffer from (though certainly not their only vice-let’s face it, Cal Seething- 012315- headno one ever died of incoherence of the Liver.) But, hey, if you think fiction is incoherent, just take a look at reality. And isn’t that why we yearn for guys like Doc and Phil Marlowe before him? Men who dive headfirst into the incoherent muck looking for that one shiny sliver of truth at the bottom of the urban shit-pile. And sure, they get hassled and harassed; beaten, bullied and belittled; locked up, smacked down, railroaded and fucked over- and that’s just by their clients. But at the end of the day- they just take one long pull of the office bottle or roll another joint on that bongwater scented couch- and dive right back into to the muck again. Cause every city needs a keeper-even if it won’t call them brother. And even when they solve their itty-bitty mystery- it’s still just one little right in a whole world of wrongs. But, hey, one is better than nothing- and sometimes you’re lucky just to get that.

Plus, I know that a stoner detective may seem counter-intuitive cause of the whole weed makes you stupid thing  (ahhh, the cancers I could have cured) but- really it’s a perfect job for a stoner. Think about it- the breezy familiarity with the criminal world, obsessing over details that less stoned men find insignificant, seeing the deep meaning and interconnectedness that lies just beneath the surface of modern life (and also Magnum PI.) And, hey- you can make your own hours, nap anytime, and get fucked up in your car while you work!

Clearly, though, the people at the Academy disagreed with me, since all this got was a screenplay nomination. Well, fuck them anyhow. You can rant and rave about how Selma and the Lego movie got robbed (it’s about 50/50 between those two on my Facebook outrage-o-meter)- I’m gonna be pissed off about Incoherent Vice.

Wow- this is just like a real awards show. It’s already too long and I’m nowhere near done yet! Also, like an awards show, I think I can make it all OK just by making a self aware joke about how fucking long it is- well, I’ve got news for you award show hosts- THAT MAKES NOTHING OK- WE STILL WANT TO PUT OUT OUR EYES WITH FONDUE FORKS. WHY WON’T IT END????Cal Seething- 012315- anne WHY. WON’T. IT. STOPPPPPP.

Anyho0, in the interest of dragging out the Awards Season as long as possible, I’m gonna pick this up in my next post. So – be sure and join me for such awards as “I Don’t Care How Good You Say It Is- There’s No Fucking Way I’m Seeing It”, “Best Performance That’s Going to be Totally Ignored Cause the Actor’s Not Ugly or Crippled”, “Best Pseudo-Fascist Propaganda Starring Bradley Cooper and Directed by Clint Eastwood and called American Sniper”, “Why Would I Possibly Go See This Movie? Real Life is Depressing Enough” and, of course the coveted “I Know, I Know, I Know- I Totally Have to See It- Just Haven’t Gotten Around to It Yet- GET OFF MY ASS” Award.

And, oh yeah, it might not be a movie award- but let’s go ahead and give the “Best Speech by a President Whose Keeping It Real”  Cal Seething- 012315- sotuAward, too. Wondering who’s gonna get it? Well, here’s a hint- he’s also “Best President who saved America and got nothing but shit for it”, “Best President we’re likely to see in our lifetimes, and doesn’t that make you want to kill yourself?” and “Best President to fill out a March Madness bracket on ESPN every year even though he totally sucks at it.” That’s right- it’s President “I won both of them” himself – Barack Obama. And, hey, come to think of it- that’s TWO elections right there that weren’t ruined by out of touch, racist, old white men. So, maybe, there’s hope for the Academy after all. Maybe. We’ll see if Ana Duverney gets nominated for Obama. Probably not, though- she’ll probably get shafted so Clint Eastwood can get nominated for American Oligarch, the Mitt Romney story. Talk about out of touch, racist, old white men- has Eastwood ever even worked with a black person? Hell, when he had to cast Obama, he used an empty chair.

Now, quiet- Tom Brady’s about to talk about his balls. Have I mentioned how much I love this story? If it wasn’t for this story, SportsCenter this week would be all about the Patriot way, and Tom Brady’s legacy, and Belichick’s genius- but instead all we’re hearing is balls, BALLS, BALLS!!!! And as a 40 something Jets fan with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old- I just have to say- thank you. Thank you Tom Brady. Thank you Bill Belichick. Thank you Gillette for choosing this horribly inopportune moment to promote “Flexball” technology. Cal Seething- 012315- flexballThe Patriots may win the Superbowl, but we’ll always have Tom Brady saying “I’m not squeezing the balls. That’s not part of my process.” among other great quotes.  So, in a way, we’re all winners. Wow- it’s nice being a winner. No wonder Tom Brady’s so happy all the time! Except of course, when his balls are being squeezed. Ha!