My City’s Just Not That Into Me. It’s kind of a misnomer really. It’s you who’s over the city. The city has no feelings whatsoever about you. It’s kind of egotistical to think your city has decided that it’s so done with you. It’s not like Philadelphia says, “I just need some space. It’s not you. It’s me.” Don’t put your bullshit on your town. Own up to your ennui.
Now that’s out of the way, I discovered a new house hunting show! The premise is like this: homeowners are tired of their town for whatever reason and want a change. The city’s too small. They have lived there their whole lives. They have money and some kind of magic job where they can relocate on a whim. Which makes me think: perhaps the title is right and the city truly is over them. They are some fickle folks. So in walks Courtney the real estate personality expert. She’s got tattoos and a great haircut that I couldn’t pull off. Plus she has the My City Personality Quiz. It is based on years of data complied by Cambridge University that matches your personality to compatible states. Questions are random like: “Your car broke down. What do you do? Cry? Break out a map? Or flag someone down?” Well, this gal from Washington DC answered “break out a map”. So one of her compatible states was Kansas because apparently it’s a self-reliant state. If you say so, My City Is Giving Me The Cold Shoulder! The clients are given two states so the DC lady also got Colorado. Courtney tells her that she picked Denver and Kansas City for Nicole to visit and house hunt.
I have to take a moment to say how incredibly jarring it is to watch a non-Tiny House show. These My City Is Rolling Its Eyes At Me people are thinking 2000 square feet is cramped. Cramped! That’s ten tiny houses! To Nicole from DC’s credit, she thought 5000 square feet was a bit too big for her. Yeah, because that’s twenty-five tiny houses!
OK. Back to My City’s Making Faces At Me Behind My Back. While the homeowners are checking out the two cities that were matched with them, Tatted Courtney is finding a perfect house that checks all their boxes in their current hometown. Yeah, a place in the town that’s been talking smack about them (according to the title). That’s the twist! She tries to tempt them into not moving. What will they do? Will they continue this one-sided relationship with their city even though the town is looking at its watch and shuffling their feet, itching for them to leave? Or will they move to one of the personality matched cities?
This is where I take a moment to ponder some points about My City Hasn’t Called Or Texted In At Least Two Days. It’s pretty well known that House Hunters folks were already approved for the place they “picked” during the show. Have these folks already picked out a town? I’ve watched four episodes and not one opted to stay in their city. The people in the last two episodes did not even buy the house that they highlighted in the show. They rented something. Much to Asymmetrical Haired Courtney’s chagrin. She even calls out Nicole (now of Denver) on her commitment issues. I kind of like her.
Intrigued by the My City Personality Quiz? I was, too! Thankfully, My City’s Been Seen With Someone Else And When I Confront Him About It He Says Why Are You All In My Business? has a smaller version of the quiz on their website. Hell yeah, I took it. My results:
The first two make sense but Charleston? Not sure if I could swing a Carolina (yes, I know which Carolina…I just wanted to see if you knew). Which begs the question: what if the My City Personality Quiz totally screws you and gives you Maynard, Arkansas. No offense to Maynard. I’ve been there but THERE’S NO MOVIE THEATER. At least I could wave to my dad on his way to the state line to buy a lotto ticket. But what I’m saying is, I want to see someone on this show be visibly disappointed when the cities are revealed. I want to see a freak out. “ATLANTA?!? GEORGIA??! I DON’T LIKE PEACHES. OR CNN. OR COCA COLA. GONE WITH THE WIND WAS NOT ACCURATE! JIMMY CARTER DIDN’T HANDLE THE IRAN HOSTAGE SITUATION TO MY LIKING!” Then maybe a table flip or two.
I took the quiz again. I was happy with my results but was curious to see what my second-choice-answer cities would be. They are:
Dang, Portland. Play a little hard to get, will you? Not that I’m complaining. Los Angeles has spending a lot of time at work and why do I bother cooking dinner, it just gets cold.
My City’s Just Not Ever Going to Pop the Question and Now I’ll Die a Spinster airs on FYI.