Hey- you know what’s better than watching football on TV? Yup, that’s right- watching football on TV in Los Angeles! There’s nothing better than kicking back in shorts and flip flops on a Sunday morning, turning on the TV and watching the players and fans freeze their balls off. Mmmm mmm. You want a game time snack? I’ve got nachos and schaedenfreude coming right up! And you can wash it down with a glass of Why the Fuck do you Live There. Oh oh oh- that doesn’t seem very nice to you? Well, just think about the last time you were watching House Hunters and there was some pair of cornfed rubes out there in Buttfuckia shopping for a 10 bed 27 bath castle with a large kitchen, man cave and a moat for $150k or less. And just think back to all the nitpicky things they said while they were picking out their Forever Dream Castle- stuff like “I was really hoping for an open plan kitchen” or “I’m just not sure the man cave is big enough for a ping pong table and a home theatre system” or “we’re going to have to put in a much taller fence around the moat so that little Dakota doesn’t fall in and get eaten by sea monsters- and that’s going to add to the renovation costs.” And now think about the fact that while you were watching this episode you second guessed every single life choice you ever made that led you to Los Angeles with its unbreathable air, undrivable traffic, unaffordable housing and unbearable douchebags- and now tell me, TELL ME that it it’s not just awesome to see those apple cheeked All American assholes freezing their padded asses off in 10 degree weather with the snow falling down while they’re wearing styrofoam cheese on their heads – or whatever they wear on their heads in Buffalo- (what’s the appropriate headgear to signify decades of futility and defeat? Foam chicken wings? Oversize novelty Jim Kelly head- with hair? Patriots hat?) while you’re lounging about barely dressed with the windows wide open laughing your ass off in a rat infested studio you can barely afford. And- here’s the best part- it’s not like we have to worry about Bad Weather Karma coming to get us if we mock the rest of the country. I mean- they get the Polar Vortex and the Snowpocalypse- what’s the worst we’re gonna get? Marine Layer Vortex? Drizzlepocalypse? Ocean Breezemageddon? Out of control raging wildfires that engulf huge chunks of land in flame and threaten to destroy us all? Wait. Crap. That’s a thing. Sorry Weather Karma Gods. I’ll be good. I’ll be good.
So, yes, I was really psyched to watch the Bills / Jets game a couple of weeks ago because of the huge storm that filled the stadium in Buffalo with snow earlier that week. I mean, don’t get me wrong- it was very important game- Buffalo has an excellent chance of just barely missing the playoffs this year and the Jets were rocketing upwards from disgrace to embarrassment- but I was most excited to watch those miserable fucks wallow around in the snow. But then, Roger WUSSell and the National WUSSball League decided there was just too much snow to be able to play the game safely in Buffalo, especially cause many of the wittle baby pwayers were twapped in their homes and couldn’t even get to the stadium cause of all the snow, so he moved the game to the balmier climes of Detroit’s indoor stadium. What is this crap? Is this FOOTBALL or futbol? When did we get so soft?? I warned them about this- I warned them this would happen if they wore pink uniforms- but NOBODY LISTENED Hell, football was made to be played in cold weather. Vince Lombardi wouldn’t have let a storm keep his team from playing. Hell no! If the players were snowed in, Vince Lombardi would have harnessed his offensive lineman to a sleigh and had them carry the team to the game- and one of the lineman dropped dead because his weak little heart didn’t believe in America enough to go any further- Lombardi would have tossed his worthless carcass aside, strapped himself to the sleigh and pulled his team to the stadium all while giving a stern lecture to the players about the perils of Communism, masturbation and sideburns and the importance of WINNING AT ALL COSTS. Now that’s some goddamn MAN FOOTBALL.
But that’s not how things are in Roger Goodell’s No Fun League. Somehow, he’s managed to take America’s greatest Red State passtime and turn it into an overregulated nanny league that would make Teddy Kennedy plotz. So now the players can’t even lay a finger on each other without being called for some kind of bullshit girly-girl ticky-tack violation like Pussy Interference or Roughing the Passer’s Feelings. Used to be, if the bone wasn’t poking out through the skin, the refs would just tell ’em to suck it up and keep playing- but now it’s all “show me on the doll where the defender touched you.” What a bunch of shit. Listen, I may be a a Bernie Sanders “Tax and Spend” Liberal when it comes to politics, I’m a Rand Paul “Let ’em Play” Libertarian when it comes to sports. Hell, if we could just get the Kochs to sell everything and buy an NFL team, we could save football AND America at the same time.
But I doubt even the great and powerful Kochs could have any impact on Kim Jung Goodell- the Pol Pot of Pigskin, the President Snow of Sporting Leagues (eh? Eh? President Snow? Who’s got 2 thumbs and just made a desperate and pathetic grab for relevance with a Hunger Games reference? THIS GUY! And who just undermined his grab for relevance by using the hackneyed and overplayed. “2 thumbs” bit? Well…uhm…that would also be THIS GUY!) I mean, we’re talking about a man who single-handedly doles out punishment to players based on totally arbitrary criteria. And, if they don’t like it, they can certainly appeal the ruling, and the person who hears those appeals…is Roger Goodell. WHAT THE FUCK? If this was a country, we’d send in Amnesty International. It’s the Glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Football. Are you ready for some football? I SAID ARE YOU??? No??? UP AGAINST THE WALL!
Now, Goodell’s been cracking down on all sorts of player behavior- but he is most interested in cracking down on perpetrators of domestic violence. Kidding! Kidding! He only punishes them when he’s publicly shamed – though, to be fair, he did recently launch a public service campaign to raise awareness about domestic violence entitled “No More” and a domestic violence prevention training program for players entitled “Those Cameras are EVERYWHERE, Son!” That ought to fix it! Nothing solves a complex, deep seeded, multifaceted social problem like a Public Service Announcement- just look how well it worked with drugs! The whole nation was headed for addiction and ruin, but then we found out that drugs fry our brains like an egg and no one ever got high again! If only Ray Rice would have known how disappointed Eli Manning would be in him, he never would have punched Janay. It’s brilliant! Maybe we can get the Women’s Soccer Team to tell cops to stop shooting black kids.
Congratulations to Ray Rice, BTW, on his reinstatement! Of course- now he’s gotta find a team that’ll pick him up. And honestly, what team is gonna be dumb to take on that kind of PR nightmare for a marginal player on the downward slope of his career. Oh, who are we kidding? Welcome to the Jets, Ray Rice! Dog Killer & Wife Beater – now THAT’S a backfield! I’m joking, of course, why would the Jets possibly pick up Ray Rice when Adrian Peterson’s available. Better get him now, though- he’s gonna get loads of offers in the offseason. Hell, he’ll be fighting them off with a
Of course, the secret to Ray’s return to the game is Janay’s willingness to do the Talk Show Redemption Circuit with him. What a role model she is- with her grace, forgiveness and talent for putting her own safety and well-being aside to make sure that her man gets paid. Well done, Janay! Once Ray signs with a team, he’ll be able to keep you in designer sunglasses for years to come. Just be careful in that big mansion of his- plenty of “doors” to run into. Oopsie daisy!
Meaningless token gestures of opposition to domestic violence aside, Goodell’s real passion is for cracking down on Excessive Celebration. I know it’s tough for Goodell to understand human emotions because he’s a cyborg sent back by Skynet to crush our souls (isn’t the whole Skynet thing happening, like, next Tuesday?) but we puny humans have this thing we call joy- and we feel it when we do something awesome like scoring a touchdown. And when we do feel a large amount of joy- well, by golly we want to celebrate- and you know what- there’s not a GODDAMN THING WRONG WITH THAT. I want my players to be happy. I want to see them celebrating. I want dunking over the goal post, rocking the ball to sleep like a baby, the Lambeau Leap, the Icky Shuffle, the Mile High Salute, the Dirty Bird, Deion Sanders high stepping, Terrell Owens signing the football, Terrell Owens playing with pom-poms, Terrell Owens spiking on the Dallas star, pretty much the whole rest of Terrell Owens career, Gangham Style, Moonwalking, Tebowing, Tebowing in mockery of Tim Tebow (that’s the best)- whatever- you just made a huge play motherfucker- let your freak flag fly! (Just make sure you’re over the goal line first.) What are we so afraid of? That the other team won’t like it? That it’ll make them feel bad about themselves? GOOD. They should feel bad about themselves. They’re losers. And if they want to feel better about themselves, they don’t need daily affirmations or participation trophies- they need to score their own damn touchdown and rub it in the other team’s faces just like we did with the Ruskies. But what about the children you ask? Well what about the little fuckers?? I hope they’re watching! I hope they’re watching and thinking- “Hey- someday if I’m really good at something and I work my ass off, then maybe I’ll have a chance to act like a moron in public!”- and you know what? THAT’S AWESOME. That’s what they should think. And sure, we all know it’s complete horseshit- that inequality, discrimination, hatred and cruelty keep most kids from ever having all that much of a chance- but isn’t that exactly what we should be working towards? To create a world where every child has a chance to someday celebrate excessively. I think so. But then again I like being a public spectacle.
You can’t blame Goodell, though- he’s in a tough position. After all, his job is to protect the NFL brand, and those pesky players keep trying to mess it up. That’s the trouble with marketing institutionalized brutality as wholesome, family entertainment- it’s like trying to sell Vegas as a family vacation destination- no matter how many acrobats, dancing fountains, fitted pink jerseys or schmaltzy commercials you make- Vegas is still all just gambling and whores and the NFL is big dudes fucking each other up. See, we want to watch football, we just don’t like the consequences of playing football. So what do we do? Well- we’re Americans- what do you think we do? This is the land of hybrid SUV’s, gluten-free beer and drone warfare- nobody’s better at taking the “guilt” out of “guilty pleasure” than we are! Have our cake and eat it to? No problem! Just so long as the cake is gluten-free, sweetened with organic agave nectar, made with free-range eggs and includes an tiny donation to fight the cancer du jour. So, yeah- we get to enjoy football as long as we punish the players for being too human, act shocked when violent men behave violently, make a bunch of pointless rules, and worry about concussions in lieu of actually doing anything to prevent them. Why not? That’s our strategy for climate change and it’s working just fine. I know I feel like I’m making a difference when I Like an article about melting ice caps. Plus, it’s ok, those who can afford to shop at Whole Foods and keep fracking out of their communities can just keep their kids from playing football if they want to keep them safe. As for everyone else, well, they’re poor so they’re fucked anyway. Honestly, brain damage is the least of their problems- I mean, it’s not like they were gonna learn anything in school anyway. Might as well let them bash their brains in for our amusement- just as long as they don’t start acting all urban and “thug”-like and scary. After all, we have to think of the little white children.
So….yeah….right…what the hell was I talking about again? Oh, right, the Jets Bills game. Yeah. It sucked. The Bills won 38-3. Not much cause for celebration there, excessive or otherwise. The only one celebrating was my Patriot loving sister in Massachusetts. Whatever, I just had Thanksgiving dinner outside – suck it Massholes! And, yeah, I realize the Jets play in New Jersey and the weather is terrible there, too…but…SUCK IT MASSHOLES. You just got your ass kicked by the cheeseheads – what do you know? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take some selfies with palm trees and text them to her. Who wouldn’t want to live here? When it comes to man made, debilitating weather conditions with catastrophic consequences- I’ll take MegaDrought over Polar Vortex any day (remember when we could tell the difference between weather conditions and SyFy movie titles?) Or maybe I’ll take Punky for a walk. Hi Punky! Does Punky Wunky want to go for Walkie-Dalkies? Punky Wunky walkies? Punky Wunky Wunky walkies??? Who’s my wittle Punky Wunky? Who’s my wittle Punky Wunky? PUNKY!
Crap. Sorry about that. It just keeps getting worse over here. I’d better go so that Punky can get on with the business of licking me compulsively which is equal parts adorable and disturbing like Teddy Ruxpin, John Wayne Gacy and Micky Rourke’s love for chihuahuas. All I was trying to say is that playing football is dumb, watching football is awesome and watching cold weather football from LA is the best! Oh, and there’s no such thing as excessive celebration. And also Roger Goodell is a poop head who should be fired at the soonest opportunity. Hey- I hear David Stern is available!
Right. OK, Punky- proceed with the licking. Ahhhh, that’s the stuff. Time to kick back and watch the Jets lose to…who are they playing again? Oh right, Miami. That’s no fun- can’t even feel smug about the weather. And…wait- is that rain out there??? It’s not supposed to rain in LA! Sorry Weather Karma Gods- I knew I shouldn’t have pushed my luck. Oh well. It’s all gonna turn around for us when we get Rice and Peterson- and if we can get Hernandez out of jail- then we may finally something worth celebrating excessively over – whether Chairman Roger likes it or not.