Been & Going

[California Seething] Shark-noir-do

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SPOILER ALERT: This post may contain details and information that could spoil the experience of watching Sharknado 3. Then again, it would be hard to imagine I could possibly spoil the experience of watching Sharknado 3 Cal Seething- 081115- handsawany more than the bozos who made the movie already have. And therein lies the biggest mystery of Sharknado 3. No- it’s not whether Tara Reid lives or dies at the end- I guess they’ve just left that up to Twitter to decide- so do yourself and America a favor and hashtag “#AprilDies” on everything you Tweet – because the most believable part of her performance is her prosthetic chainsaw attachment which is the most human thing about her. But, anyhow, the biggest mystery about Sharknado 3 is – how did they manage to ruin something that was already so terrible to begin with? Look at it this way, any chef can screw up beef bourguignon- but it takes a special kind of incompetence to fuck up Ramen- and that’s exactly what the geniuses who made Sharnknado 3 did. How the hell did they manage that? All they had to do was take a cheap, pre-packaged shark movie, boil it in shlock til it was dumb enough to be funny but not so long that it was reduced to a brainless mush, and add in a shiny flavor packet of Gen-XCal Seething- 081115- ramen in-jokes (Ian Ziering is cinematic MSG) and voila- a Sharknado 3 that doesn’t suck. Just a tasty little movie with no nutritional value that’s even more delicious when you’re wasted. They followed this recipe and produced two perfectly good (or, let’s keep it real, perfectly bad) Sharknado movies- but they messed it up badly with the third one.

First of all, they overcooked it- going well past the “brainless mush” stage until nothing was left but a gelatinous glob of gore and idiocy. Then they emptied an industrial sized canister of celebrity cameos into the glob (David Hasselhoff is cinematic Cheez Whiz), deep fried the whole thing in product placement and served it with a side of cynical self-awareness- like oh oh oh- we know it’s dumb so that makes everything ok. Well, I’ve got news for you guys- it doesn’t. Dog shit with parsley is still just dog shit- and yes, I realize I just pulled off the extremely rare “metaphor inside a metaphor”- the blogging equivalent of the flashback inside a flashback. And, yes, I realize that was actually a metaphor FOR a metaphor- which is even more rare- as rare as a unicorn or a Lincoln Chafee supporter or a transgendered Republican reality TV star. Come to think of it- why isn’t Caitlyn running for president? I mean – Olympic champion, successful businessman, conservative Christian,Cal-Seething--081115--voltr pop culture icon and now a WOMAN??? That’s something for everyone! She’s a one woman Fox News debate! She’s five candidates in one- she’s GOPTron! Hell, she’s even got a black son in law (or, ex-step-son-in-law- close enough). Now if she can just get Khloe to marry Pitbull she’ll be UNSTOPPABLE.

Which gets me back to my original point- how did the producers manage to screw up Shaknado 3 so badly? The movie starts with a tornado full of sharks hitting Washington DC and destroying the White House- could there be any better metaphor for the election??? I mean, come on – 10,000 sharks hit DC and not a single one has Trump hair- how did the producers miss that? It’s like striking out at kickball. Sure, there was a tiny nod to political satire with Cal Seething- 081115- cubancoulterPresident Mark Cuban and Vice President Anne Coulter (easily the scariest part of the movie) but they could have done so much more. For instance: Obama orders Congress to evacuate- the Republicans refuse and are eaten by sharks. Trump says the sharks are murderers and drug dealers that are attracted by Megyn Kelly’s blood. Bernie Sanders has some great ideas but #SharkLivesMatter shouts him down at a rally which the mainstream media won’t cover. Jeb Bush claims he’s half shark, Fox News claims the science is still out on sharknados, Jimmy Fallon says the sharks can eat more than Chris Christie, Marco Rubio compares the sharknado to an abortion, and a shark eats some lion no one’s ever heard of in Zimbabwe and Facebook loses it’s GODDAMN MIND. Meanwhile Hilary hangs back and doesn’t say a damn thing cause she knows sooner or later the sharks are all gonna Cal Seething- 081115- hilaryeat each other and, when the storm clears, she’ll be the only one standing. Yup- that’s Hilary- President of a ruined nation, its institutions of government destroyed, standing knee deep in shark guts- but- hey- at least she got to be what she always wanted to be when she grew up- so the American Dream is still working for somebody. Slow clap for Madame President. Credits. And THAT’S how you make a Sharknado movie in Washington.

Sadly, though, that’s not what the producers of Sharknado 3 did. Instead, they expected us to believe that Mark Cuban is leader of the free world, an action hero and a passable actor- in ascending order of implausibility. Seriously, Cuban hasn’t been this unconvincing since he met with DeAndre Jordan. And then, after Cal Seething- 081115- iwojimaour heroes raise the American flag Iwo-Jima style in order to impale a flying shark, the worst thing to happen to Veterans in this country since the VA, the movie leaves DC for Universal Orlando- a perfect example of cynical corporate interests ruining something that pretty much sucked to begin with. Hey- come to think of it- you could say the same thing about the Republican party- so maybe this movie is a sly political satire after all!

Anyhow, back in Universal Orlando, Tara Reid is about to give birth to Ian Ziering’s baby (the Cal-Seething--081115--bodersecond scariest thing about this movie) and is hanging out with her mom, Bo Derek, who, in the movie’s only pleasant surprise, looks refreshingly human for an actress her age. Things just get dumber and bloodier from there and the whole thing ends up in outer space with Ian Ziering, David Hasselhoff – who turns out is a former astronaut (one of the less plausible things about the movie) and also Ian Ziering’s dad (one of the most!) and Tara Reid, who was fortunate enough to find a petite maternity space suit at the very last minute. Actually, that’s not really so surprising – what’s surprising is that they take the opportunity to do product placement “Finn- I don’t care if I am pregnant. If you’re going into space to save the world I’m going with you. And besides, I found the cutest little space suit at Pea in the Pod, and I’m just dying to try it out!”

Anyhow, they are launched into space by NASA on a secret space shuttle with the intention of creating a huge explosion which will somehow end the sharknado, which is TOTALLY PREPOSTEROUS. I mean, everyone knows if you want to blow something up in space you hire Space X. But anyhow, the explosion thing doesn’t work and they have to use the old SDI (“Star Wars”) satellites from the 80’s instead to fire a laser pulse into the heart of the giant storm. Well, before the ghost of Ronald Reagan can say “I told you so- wait- what were we talking about again?”, Hasselhoff leaves the shuttle to float out to theCal-Seething--081115--hoff satellite and hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete on it so that it can fire the laser- even though he knows it means he will die in space because the shuttle doesn’t have enough fuel to come back and pick him up. Which I guess is supposed to be heroic, and I guess we’re supposed to be inspired by his courage when one of the movie’s final shots shows him standing on the surface of the moon- but I have to wonder – if he could float 240,000 miles to the moon how come he couldn’t float 50 feet back to the space shuttle? But then again, I suppose I too would rather suffocate in the infinite blackness of space then spend ONE MORE FUCKING MINUTE ALIVE with Tara Reid #AprilDies.

Anyhow, sharks in space, something something something, space shuttle destroyed, Tara Reid gets swallowed by a shark, Ian Ziering goes in after her and she gives birth to her baby while plummeting to earth in the belly of an enormous flaming shark, ultimately slicing it open from the inside with the buzzsaw attachment on her hand (man, that thing can act!) and handing the mewling infant to Ian Ziering before slicing her way out of the carcass of the beast. And it’s perfect cause this is exactly what she wrote in the birth plan she gave her doula except for the Enya and aromatherapy candles.

Oh yeah, sharks also eat the cast of the Today show but spare Kathy Lee and Hoda because they’re in recoveryCal Seething- 081115- aprildies and at the very end of the movie, a giant hunk of space debris falls out of the sky on Tara Reid and, we, the viewers get to vote on Twitter if she lives or dies – and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AMERICA, I’m begging you once more to tweet #AprilDies. An America that doesn’t want to kill Tara Reid just isn’t an America I want to live in.

Alright, so, yeah, Sharknado 3. Total crap. The worst movie of the summer not featuring Planned Parenthood. I’ve already written 1500 more words than that fucking movie deserved. And maybe the reason I’m being so critical of it is that I’ve been obsessed all month with the TCM’s Summer of Darkness- DVR’ing 24 hours worth of film noir classics every Friday in June & July and slowly working my way through them. Now, some of you may not be aware of what film noir is or have any knowledge of classic cinema- and that’s OK. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being a culturally illiterate philistine wallowing in the excrement of your cinematic ignorance who thinks that being a sophisticated movie goer means spending $15 to see Pixels at the Arclight in Sherman Oaks. You know, per se. Hey, it’s your money (Mazal Tov, BTW, to the fast food workers of New York State for their recent minimum wage increase. They’ll be earning no less than $15/hour state-wide by 2021, which is perfect as it gives McDonalds exactly enough time to perfect the robo-cashier. Just hand over your money to the animatronic clown, kiddies, then never stop screaming in your sleep.) If you want to spendCal-Seething--081115--pixel your hard earned cash watching Adam Sandler, Kevin James and Josh Gad (add Jack Black and you’ve got the Mount Rushmore of Ugh) fight classic video game characters in a movie that’s been hacked to pieces so that it be sold to the Chinese (I suppose it’s only fitting. First we ruin Chinese food to make it palatable to Americans now we ruin American movies to make them palatable to the Chinese), that’s your terrible choice to make. Who am I to judge? (GUILTY!) Hey, we all have our taste in crap- I liked the first two Sharknado movies and I’m a sucker for the Fast & Furious franchise. But, sometimes it’s good to know that there’s something better out there and that’s when I turn to TCM. Because like Monterey Park hot-pot in a world of Panda Express- TCM has the real thing.

So what is this film noir thing anyhow? First of all- it’s important to know how to pronounce it- it’s not “Film New-ahh” with a silent “r” like it’s en francais or something – it’s “Film Newarrr” with the “r” pronounced American style. Cause while the name may be French, the film movement is as American as French Fries or French Dressing, although to be fair- the stories are actually told through the international language (film- what were you thinking?) Anyhow, there are a million ways to define Film Noir (or “freedom flicks” as Lindsay Graham called them in the mid 2000’s) but I like to start with this quote from Walter Neff, protagonist of Double Indemnity, the best film noir of all Cal Seething- 081115- nefftime:

“Yes, I killed him. I killed him for money – and a woman – and I didn’t get the money and I didn’t get the woman. Pretty, isn’t it?”

And, weirdly, enough, it is pretty. Cause that’s what film noir is all about- making bad choices while looking good. And while I realize that could also be the logline for Models, Inc, it’s nevertheless true of film noir. Now, some of these choices can seem innocuous at first- pick up the wrong hitchhiker, notarize the wrong document, go home with the wrong guy and, boom, just like that your life can be changed forever. In these movies, fate can seem arbitrary and cruel- like a pop-quiz from the universe designed to test your character.

But in most film noir, the choices are not so innocent. Take our friend Walter Neff. Now, Walter has things pretty good. He’s a charming, handsome bachelor with a good job that allows enough flexibility to go bowling in the afternoon (my lifelong dream) and an apartment in Hollywood with underground parking- which in and of itself is something worth killing for (“I killed him for off-street parking- and an open-plan kitchen- and I didn’t get the parking and I didn’t get the kitchen”- House Hunters Noir!)

But he is dissatisfied. He’s restless. We’ve all felt it. This country was founded on restlessness and dissatisfaction- it’s at the root of the American Dream. But it’s dangerous. Hell, there’s nothing more dangerous than restless, dissatisfied white people- just ask anyone we haven’t killed yet. Now for the first 150 years or so of this country’s existence the answer to restlessness and dissatisfaction was always “go west, young man”. But Walter Neff finds himself in sunny Los Angeles- as far west as he can go. I mean, technically, I suppose technically he could move to Santa Monica but then he’d have to give up his underground parking spot and THERE ARE LIMITS. So, what does he do? He goes slightly north-east instead to the home of Mr and Mrs Cal Seething- 081115- walterandphyllis.Dietrichson somewhere in the hills. He is hoping to renew Mr Dietrichson’s car insurance but ends up concocting a much deadlier plan when he meets Mrs Phyllis Dietrichson, a very sexy woman with a really unsexy name.

In fact Walter and Phyllis sound less like a couple of sex crazed killers and more like my grandparent’s friends from Congregation Beth Emeth. Sure, Phyllis hosted a killer Hadassah luncheon and Walter was a hoot at the Brotherhood breakfasts, but my grandparents had to cut them off when they caught Walter cheating at canasta. He couldn’t help himself. He’s no good. He’s rotten. That’s the reason why most noir heroes and heroines make the terrible choices they do in response to their dissatisfaction. They’re rotten. And it’s the only reason we viewers need- we don’t need to know about their terrible childhoods, we don’t need to hear about how they are victims of society, how they suffer from FFS (Femme Fatale Syndrome.) Everything we need to know about their backstory is wrapped up in this quote from The Hollow Triumph – “It’s a bitter little world.”

The men and women of noir have been kicked around their whole lives and so they are shitty people with poor impulse control who are likeable because they are so damn cool. It’s a blast to watch them try and get away with stuff the rest of us barely dare to think about and cathartic as hell when they fall on their chiseled faces with success just tantalizingly out of reach- tripping over their shoelaces at the finish line of the marathon. Or- better yet, they cross the finish line and feel warm and safe all wrapped in the shinyCal Seething- 081115- marathon insulated blanket of success only to fall into an open trench reaching for someone to hug.

And in the best noir flicks, what trips our heroes up is not their wickedness but their inconvenient humanity- the shot they can’t take, the heart they can’t break, the home they shouldn’t try to go back to but can’t help themselves, the lover they can’t leave behind, the betrayal they never see coming. And sometimes, it’s just the fact that they can’t live one more day with their horrible, rotten selves and so they jump in to that open trench with a crooked smile on their face and leave the rotten world behind.

As for Walter Neff- I won’t tell you exactly what happens to him. Suffice it to say he makes some bad choices and they don’t turn out well. He doesn’t get the money. He doesn’t get the woman. And he’s probably gonna lose his parking spot. A bitter little world indeed.

There’s a lot more I can say about film noir and, in fact, I’m going to say it! In my next post, though because I’ve already wasted your whole fucking lunch hour (sorry). Why not? What am I supposed to do instead of wallowing in the great films of the past- deal with reality? Seriously??? Have you seen that place? There’s random violence, Cal Seething- 081115- debatesanctioned brutality and a perfect storm of right wing lunatics gathering in the skies above Washington threatening to strike the White House in 2016 (GOPnado). And since Shitnado 3 was such a major disappointment and I refuse to gorge myself on the globs of orange chicken being vomited out in 3D from IMAX screens, I turn to noir for distraction instead- a cool, dark cafe away from the blazing sun. And you know what, it’s nice in here. I think I’ll stay awhile. I mean, just look at what’s waiting for me in the outside world- armed white supremacists marching around Ferguson,  Trump gaining in the polls, the Jets punching each other in the face- why not live in the past??? The present blows! But the sad truth is that sooner or later I’m gonna run out of noir flicks on my DVR and I’m going to have to return to the present- and in anticipation of that terrible day- allow me to just say one thing- #AprilDies. It’s the least I can do to make the world a little less bitter.

[California Seething] Sharknado 2 Makes Citizen Kane Look Like a Steaming Pile of Crap

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It took Richard Linklater 12 years to film Boyhood. Every year he would gather the company together for a few weeks and they would film a bit of the movie. By the time he was done the entire cast had all aged 12 years in real time, even those actors playing smaller roles, and background actors. Can you imagine the type of vision it takes to embark on an artistic journey like this? The sheer persistence and dedication required to follow it through to completion? It’s truly a singular and admirable accomplishment in Cal Seething- 080414- boyhoodcinema and I have nothing but genuine respect for Linklater for making it happen. It’s just a shame that he wasted 12 years of his life because Sharknado 2 has made all other movies obsolete. (Sorry, Richard- maybe you can film yourself walking  around in circles with Ethan Hawke babbling about how you used to be relevant and call it Before Sharknado. I mean, no one will come see it – but you should be used to that! #shoudlhavequitafterdazedandconfused #canyouandethanhawkejustfuckalreadysowecanstophavingtoseeterriblemovies #please??)

In fact, if you are currently engaged in making a movie- I suggest you halt production immediately, sell your equipment and go to ITT Tech stat (I’m hearing good things about the School for Criminal Justice) so you can save yourself the embarrassment of trying to compete with Sharknado 2. Because if cinema was pinball Sharknado 2 would be Tommy- blind to the limits of taste, deaf to nuance and subtlety and dumb. So wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully DUMB. So just quit now. (NOTE: If you are involved in the making of Fast & Furious 7 or any future Fast and/or Furious sequel- this does not apply to you. Please proceed. Paul Walker would have wanted it that way. Moment of silence for Paul Walker……….and we’re done.)

Now, I know that you’re probably saying to yourself “Listen Harry Horsecock (can I help it if that’s what you call yourself? Grow up already.) How is it possible that Eric is saying Sharknado 2 is the greatest movie of all time? Has he not seen Citizen Cal Seething- 080414- kaneKane? Has he not seen Casablanca? Is he some sort of Philistine?” Well, let me tell you something Harry Horsecock- I know cinema. Sure, I’ve seen Citizen Kane and Casablanca- have you seen Battleship Potempkin? The Grand Illusion? Breathless? Out of the Past? The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover? The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? BASKET CASE ONE, TWO AND/OR THREE??????  Cause, I have. Do you have an eighth favorite Coen brothers movie? (Hudsucker Proxy. Come on, son) Did you say “Oooooh! Thelma Ritter!!” as you were looking through the TCM website to see who was featured on EVERY SINGLE DAY of Summer Under the Stars? (August 9. William Powell day. Leave me alone. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME WHEN I’M GETTING MY THIN MAN ON and if I wasn’t so progressive and forward thinking I would add #nohomo to that because never has a statement screamed out for it more #notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat). Bottom line, Harry Horsecock- I know film and I’m ready to stand by my opinion that Sharknado 2 just won cinema. Let me break it down for you.


I really thought they were going to ease into it. I had a whole Martin Brody Jaws 2 style arc for Fin Shepherd worked out in my head. He’d be haunted by what he’d experienced, seeing flying sharks everywhere, warning anyone who’ll listen about the coming Sharknado only to encounter mockery and ridicule at every turn- until, finally, disaster strikes- and he has to rescue those who once laughed him from certain destruction. My wife and I were both pretty sure of this. In fact, during the pre-title sequence, when Fin’s plane was attacked by sharks, my wife turned to me and said “Surely, this must be a dream sequence” and I said “Of course it is. And don’t call me Shirley” and she said “Sorry, Mr. Horsecock”.

But it seems that the creators Cal Seething- 080414- herzlof Sharknado 2 decided to follow the words of visionary Zionist Theodore Herzl “if you will it, it is no dream”. Only- they weren’t referring to the state of Israel, but to a passenger plane being attacked on all sides by murderous creatures irrationally determined to killing every single innocent person on board even if it means their own demise- or, as I like to call it- the State of Israel! I’m amazed that shark rights activists haven’t accused Fin Shepherd of war crimes. I mean, if his name was Shepherdstein, they’d be burning synagogues for sure.

The point here is- Sharknado 2 doesn’t have time to dick around petty little foreshadowing dream sequences or bullshit dramatic questions like “Will Fin be able to convince the doubters and skeptics that he is not crazy and overcome the traumatic memories of the horrors he experienced in LA in time to save the great city of New York from certain annihilation?” Fuck that noise.  This movie’s got way bigger narrative fish to fry (so to speak)- and tackles the IMPORTANT dramatic questions like:

“Where is Fin Shepherd going to find a chainsaw in Manhattan?“
“How will Tara Reid transform the stump of her severed hand into a high-powered buzz saw shark killing machine?”
and, most importantly- “How can you have an entire movie with Mark McGrath and not have him say ‘I just wanna fly’ right before he’s sucked up off the ground into a Sharknado??”
I mean COME ON- that’s like casting Billy Ocean in a movie as a police officer who patrols  nightmares and not having him say “ForCal Seething- 080414- huey the last time- I’m warning you- Get out of the dream and GET INTO MY CAR” or putting Huey Lewis in a Jonah Salk biopic  and not including a scene where a lab tech runs up to him and says “What are we going to do- we’ve tried every medication we have to fight polio and nothing works” so that Huey can respond  “I WANT A NEW DRUG!” I mean- COME ON. This is COMEDY GOLD HERE, PEOPLE.

For, you see, Sharknado 2 isn’t a movie that starts at 1 and goes up to 11- NO, SIR-  this is a movie that starts at 11 and goes to HOLY SHIT THAT’S MATT LAUER AND AL ROKER KILLING A SHARK WITH AN UMBRELLA- FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!  But, what’s truly great about Sharknado 2– and what separates it from the other films in the sharksploitation ouvre is that, like a creepy Christian men’s group in the 90’s, Sharkando 2 keeps its promises. Writer/director Thunder Levin (real name- Thunder Levine) puts his MFA (Master of Fucking AWESOMENESS) to good use as he ties up every single loose end and delivers a satisfying punchline to every set up.

It’s like- when Fin goes up to the roof of the Empire State Building and Tara Reid is left on the ground, feeling all helpless and shit because her hand was bitten off- and she looks over and just happens to see a spare blade for a rotary saw. And an electric motor. And some wiring. So she crinkles her face all up into that thinking position she learned in Face Yoga (Deeply Thinking Blonde) and she calls over her nephew to help her with an idea she just had. And me, as a viewer, I’m just sitting at home wishing and hoping and thinking and praying- could it really happen? Could this really be about to play out the way I think it’s going to play out? COULD LIFE REALLY BE THIS BEAUTIFUL? And then- ooh ooh ooh- and then, Fin is up on the roof and this shark is coming right at him and he he he he he can’t get his chainsaw to fire so you think he’s in a big fat huge mess of trouble but then BOOM out of nowhere Tara Reid appears and, before I see it, Cal Seething- 080414- taraI hear the sound of a rotary blade spinning and then I see her stump with the motorized spinning blade attached it and then and then and then KER-CHOPO!!! She slices the shark in half and I think yes, Yes, YES – LIFE CAN REALLY BE THIS BEAUTIFUL!!!! Sniff…Sob. …Sorry… I just….I just need a moment here…talk amongst yourselves.  I’m all verklepht. She chopped through that shark like butter.

I mean, clearly, you have to acknowledge that Thunder Levin is a structural genius. No writer in history has ever more rigorously followed Anton Chekhov’s famous maxim  “Yes, keptin. Phasers on stun.”. Wait, no sorry- wrong Chekhov- I was thinking of this famous maxim: “If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. “ Only in this movie the gun isn’t on the wall, it’s in Tara Reid’s hand while she’s firing into the mouth of an oncoming shark – and when that gun is introduced later- well, then we get into a different area of Sharkando 2’s cinematic superiority. Romance.


Surely you’ve seen Sleepless in Seattle (blah blah blah blah blah blah calling me Shirley.) Annie (Meg Ryan) is on the observation deck at the top of the Empire State Building and is about to give up on Sam (Tom Hanks). Just then she spots Jonah’s (whatshisface- that kid who grew up ugly and hasn’t worked since 2006) backpack on the ground. She reaches into the backpack and pulls out a teddy bear. Sam and Jonah come back out to the observation deck looking for the backpack. Annie sees Sam. Sam sees Annie. They are transfixed. She returns the backpack and teddy bear to Jonah. Sam says they have to go. He invites Annie to join them. He takes her hand. Music swells. Camera pulls back. The lights of the Empire State Building form the shape of a heart. It is, without doubt, the most romantic ending of a movie to ever take place on the roof of the Empire State Building. Until now.

Tara Reid (Tara Reid. I refuse to acknowledge her by character name because that would imply that she is actually able to ‘play a character’ – which would, in turn, invalidate the entire art of acting and make my entire adult life meaningless. I’M HANGING BY A THREAD, HERE, PEOPLE. DON’T FUCK WITH ME. I haven’t had a crisis of faith like this since Denise Richards played a “nuclear physicimacicist”) and Fin Shepherd are on the observation deck at the top of the Empire State Building. They are all out of weapons and just about to give up. Just then, Fin spots the shark that bit off Tara Reid’s hand on the ground. He reaches into the Cal Seething- 080414- empireshark’s mouth and pulls out her hand with the gun still clamped in it. BLAM BLAM BLAM – he shoots down all the sharks that are flying right at them. Fin looks at Tara. Tara looks at Fin. They are transfixed. Fin takes the wedding ring off the severed hand. He gets down on own knee. He proposes. She eagerly puts the ring on her remaining hand. He stands. They kiss as the sun begins to set over New York and the last of the sharks rain gently from the sky. Music swells. Camera pulls back. Fin declares “I love this City!” And, I think you’ll agree- it is without a doubt now THE most romantic ending of a movie to ever take place on the roof of the Empire State Building. So long Sleepless in Seattle. Hello Limbless in Sharknado. Fin Shepherd and Tara Reid- now that’s what I call an Affair to be Severed.


Sure, there were a lot of amazing action sequences and crazy athletic maneuvers throughout Sharknado 2– but the best stunts of all Cal Seething- 080414- jaredwere pulled off by the casting department. Judd Hirsch driving a cab, Robert Hays (dude from Airplane. It’s ok – I had to Google that, too) flying the plane, Jared Fogle eating Subway ON THE SUBWAY (mind. goes. BOOM)- the list goes on and on. In fact, there were so many amazing cameos that it’s actually easier to come up with a complete list of the cameos that weren’t included in the movie, namely:

Spike Lee as a flight attendant on the plane at the beginning, wearing a red uniform. When the plane is attacked by sharks, he starts complaining about how he’s certainly going to be the first to be eaten by a shark because he’s black and wearing a red shirt right before he gets eaten by a flying shark because ….well, he’s black and also wearing a red shirt. So…yeah…what did he expect>

Aviva Drescher as a fellow patient in the hospital in the amputee ward with Tara Reid. As they are fleeing the hospital , Aviva throws her leg at a shark Cal Seething- 080414- avivathat’s flying right at them. Tara high fives her with her one good hand and a shark flies out of nowhere and eats Aviva’s good leg.

Tony Danza is driving a cab when he sees a shark flying of the sky headed right for Danny Pintauro and Judith Light. He pulls over, puts on a pair of boxing gloves, punches the shark in mid-air and shouts “WHO’S THE BOSS NOW?” right before he’s eaten by a flying shark.

Woody Allen as an elementary school clarinet teacher inviting a promising young Asian student up to his attic for “special tutoring” right before he’s eaten by a flying shark (named Dylan).

Chris Christie as a traffic cop trying to close the George Washington Bridge right before he is eaten simultaneously by two flying sharks.

Salt. Cause Pepa is already in the movie- and that’s just fucked up.  Why you gotta be hating on Salt, yo?

Jimmy Fallon as himself saying “this band coming up. I just love them so much. If you like good live music, you’ll love these guys. Good friends of the show. Here to perform ‘The Ballad of Sharknado’ My pals- QUINT!” right before a shark flies into the Cal Seething- 080414- queststudio headed right for him to eat his head- until Questlove KILLS IT by throwing his Metrocard bowtie like a ninja flying star RIGHT INTO HIS EYE. IS THERE NOTHING THE ROOTS CAN’T DO?? Actually- come to think of it WHY WASN’T THIS IN THE MOVIE??? And, more to the point- why don’t The Roots have a series called “Rooting For Justice” where they fight crime and in every episode Questlove stops the bad guy by throwing his bowtie as a ninja star right before they sing Funkadelic covers??? Because, I have to tell you, if that was a real show I would never ever ever watch anything else. Except Sharknado 3. I’M NOT MADE OF STONE.

Rudy Guilliani coming out after the Sharknado is all over with to take credit for saving everybody even though he did absolutely nothing right before being eaten by a flying shark.

I think that’s about all of them. Any other cameo you could possibly imagine was already included in the movie. Al Roker & MattCal Seething- 080414- rokerlauer Lauer actually ended up with more screen time than Tara Reid, most likely because, unlike Tara Reid, they can actually do a credible impression of a “human being”. They savagely killed a shark like it was Ann Curry or something, and kept up a steady stream of totally believable inane patter about the terrifying and bizarre weather conditions facing the City. In fact- it was their continual commentary about the weather that provided a lot of the film’s Social Commentary.

Social Commentary

When the first Sharknado happens, everyone kind of freaks out about it. People are all like “there’s no way sharks can be raining down from the sky! It’s absolutely impossible for a shark to attack in Beverly Hills! What do you mean there’s a shark in my swimming pool?? You’re craz…..aaarrghh!!!! Help!!!!!!” Chomp Chomp Chomp Blood Blood Blood. Dead.

The second time around, though, things are a little different. It’s not as much “oh dear God- how is this happening??” as it is “Oh Cal Seething- 080414- almapcrap. Not this again. Now they’re gonna cancel the Mets game.” Hell, they don’t even call it a Sharknado- it’s an “EF5 Sharknado” – and they even have little Sharknado graphics to show the progress of the storm on the weather maps. And, I’ll admit at first, this was hard to take- how is it possible that people can just accept something as totally insane as a tornado full of sharks??? Seriously- a “sharknado”? That’s preposterous! I mean, it’s not like it’s some normal, run of the mill, every day weather condition- you know, like a “polar vortex” or a “mega-drought” or a “super storm” or a “snowpocalypse.” Huh. Never mind. The only thing really preposterous about sharknado is imagining that there are enough living creatures still left in the ocean to actually make it dangerous. If we really did have a massive water spout over the ocean, it would have, like, five mercury poisoned sharks, three turtles with cancer and 600 billion Dasani bottles.

Anyhow, this is where Roker and Lauer come in- their conversation and commentary throughout the movie reminds us just how good we’ve gotten at normalizing the unthinkable. A comfy set, some guys in suits, the right computer graphics and pseudo scientific jargon and even something as crazy as a tornado full of sharks can seem just as every day and routine as Ebola virus, collapsing ice sheets and giant Siberian craters. You know, the simple things. Not rain in LA in July, though- cause THAT’S JUST FUCKING NUTS. MOTHER FUCKER!!! I just washed my car.

Alright- well, clearly you can see now why Sharknado 2 is the greatest movie ever made. That all being said, I do have a couple of teensy-tiny  itty btty niggling little concerns:

  1. Why just sharks? Assuming that there are actually any living creatures left in the ocean- why would sharks be the only Cal Seething- 080414- bostonthings scooped up in a tornado? Wouldn’t there be a whole cross-section of sea creatures picked up at the same time? I mean, sure, I get it- Sharknado is a much cooler term than “Hurriclam” or “Tunami” but technically, they’d all be in there flying around. All of which is to say, that if there were a giant water spout filled with sea life- it wouldn’t actually be all that scary – kind of like a really fast moving version of the Boston aquarium that crushes houses. Which, ok, I guess is sort of terrifying- but not as bad as a “twister with teeth”. Which- actually brings up my other itty bitty little petty concern- namely.
  2. Even if it was just full of sharks, a Sharknado wouldn’t be any more dangerous than a normal tornado. I believe I mentioned this in my previous Sharknado post- but, if you do find yourself in a situation where sharks are flying out of the sky at you, the best way to defend yourself is not to use a chainsaw, but to take one small step to the left. Cause the shark’s gonna hit the ground, and it’s gonna die and then really the only thing you need to worry about is cleaning up shark guts. Now- I know you’re saying – ok Harry Horsecock- what if I’m in mid-air and the shark is flying right at me? Well- in that case, most experts would strongly recommend that you duck. Or, again, you can use aforementioned evasive maneuver and take one small step to the left so it flies right by and hits a wall. Or, hell, you can just stand there and let it hit you. Because it’s dead. And it won’t bite you. That being said, nobody likes getting hit in the face with a big dead shark (unless, you know, that’s your thing- which is totally cool, who am I to judge? Get down with your bad icthyologist self)- so it’s probably better to just duck.Cal-Seething--080414--jelly
    It would actually be much more terrifying if, instead of sharks, a tornado was full of jellyfish- because those sticky sons of bitches are a lot harder to avoid and they would probably stay alive long enough to bite when they land on you. Unfortunately, no matter how much I wracked my brains, I couldn’t think of a really good jellyfish related weather pun, so, alas, that movie will remain forever unmade. (Jel Nino? Jel Stream? Smuckernado? All terrible.)

So, yeah, Sharkando 2. Sure it’s based on a fundamentally asinine premise that makes absolutely no sense- but so is Birth of a Nation and that’s still considered a great movie by racist fucks. I’m not really sure how that helps my case, but shut up.

I guess what I liked most about Sharknado 2 is that it reminded me of my own recent return to New York. The way the City gets in my blood- and no matter how long I stay in LA, the minute I return, I’m a New Yorker again- cheering for the Mets, complaining about the trains and fighting off flying sharks with an enormous chainsaw- ok, well maybe not that- but definitely getting pizza.That’s way it was so perfect that they cast Kari Wuhrer in this movie because going back to New York is just like seeing her face- it looks vaguely familiar from the 90’s – but, God, there’s been SO MUCH work done.Sharknado 2: The Second One - 2014

So, yeah- definitely the best thing about Sharknado 2 is Fin’s return to New York. No, wait, that’s completely wrong- definitely the best part of Sharknado 2 is when Tara Reid turns her stump into a mechanized buzz saw shark killing machine. Oh yeah- and Will Wheaton getting Ehaten. And Ian Ziering riding a shark in the air. And Kelly Osborne getting eaten. And Judd Hirsch driving a cab. And Judd Hirsch getting eaten. And Quint’s totally awesome fake Ramones sounding “Ballad of Sharknado” theme song. And Downtown Julie Brown getting eaten. Wait- did she even get eaten? Who cares??? She should have been eaten and that’s the important thing and THAT’S why Sharknado 2 is such an amazing movie. Does that make sense? No? Who cares?? Let Richard Linklater worry about making sense. All I know is that he spent 12 years making one movie and Thunder Levin could make 12 perfectly good Sharknado movies during that time. So, surely that means Thunder Levin is the superior film-maker- doesn’t it?

Yes. It does. And, yes, Yes, YES I’m gonna fucking stop calling you Shirley already. But only if you call me Thunder Sims- which, I think, you’ll agree is a way cooler name than Harry Horsecock. Seriously – is there nothing that isn’t awesome about Thunder Levin? (There isn’t anything- and stop calling me Seriously.)

[Best Of California Seething] Are Israeli Contractors Worse than Flying Sharks? Discuss

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Look, the world is a terrible place and there isn’t a goddamn thing I can do about it.

Drought, famine, war, diminishing resources, rising extremism and the ticking time bomb of climate change- it all just sucks. Most of the time I feel as helpless as a stewardess on Malaysian Air, just passing out little packets of salty humor as we cross into Ukrainian airspace. And I’ve been thinking for a while that I should say something IMPORTANT about all of it- I mean, it’s not like there is a shortage of ridiculous things for me to comment on. Like the sheer absurdity of Americans urging anybody to “show restraint” in the face of repeated terror attacks, considering the way we responded to being attacked just that one time. It’s like being told by Rob Ford to take it easy on the lattes or told by Jimmy Fallon to take it easy on the Rob Ford jokes. Hell, we Americans load kids up on buses and throw rocks at them – and they don’t even hate us (yet)! If this is what we do to the people that like us, can you imagine what we would do if there was actually a threat? One rocket flies in over the border towards San Diego and God help everybody from Tijuana down to Rio. So perhaps we should show a little restraint when it comes to giving helpful advice.

Anyhow, like I said, I’ve been thinking a lot about what to say about it all and in all my deliberation about the woes of the world I Cal Seething- 072814- sharknado2fear I lost sight of what’s really important. Namely- that this Wednesday is the world premiere of SHARKNADO TWO ON SYFY!!!! Who needs peace and social justice when you’ve got sharks and chainsaws! And Ian Ziering! And Tara Reid! And flying sharks! AND CHAINSAWS!!!! If Sharknado Two isn’t the answer to your problems- THEN YOU’RE NOT ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS! So, in honor of this world changing occasion- I’m reposting last summer’s Sharknado “blogumn” – which was actually the last thing I ever posted on the late, great, Fierce and Nerdy, almost one year ago today.  And next week, I’ll post my review of Sharknado Two.

Of course, you may notice that I am also somewhat critical of Israeli contractors in this “blogumn” – but, it’s worth noting that- while Israeli contractors may be bad, at least they don’t steal all the concrete that’s provided for infrastructure and humanitarian purposes and use it to build tunnels to smuggle weapons unlike some militants I could mention.

Anyhow- that’s all I’m gonna say about it. No need to add more words to a “blogumn” that’s already 500 words longer than the script of Sharknado and 1000 words larger than Tara Reid’s vocabulary.  So- here goes- enjoy!

Originally Posted on July 30, 2013 – hence the incredibly outdated references

I really meant to write about my bathroom renovation this week – offering witty insights and wise advice to anyone brave and foolish enough to trust an Israeli contractor with their money and a wet saw. Something other home owners could read, relate to and maybe even learn a little something from. But then I figured, fuck it, I’ll just write about Sharknado which, I think we all agree, is the finest LA movie since Chinatown. Maybe even better – as we can see from the comparison below:


Sharknado Chinatown
Flying Sharks Yes No
Ian Ziering Yes No
Chainsaw Yes No
Complex and thought provoking noir tale of rapacious greed, boundless   ambition and unthinkable depravity set against the fictionalized backdrop of   LA’s Water Wars. No Yes


I mean, it’s kind of a no brainer. Maybe if Roman Polanski had been just a little bit more imaginative – like, let’s say – instead of finding a dead hobo in the dried up LA river bed the cops found a blond in a bikini with HUGE BAZOOMMBAS (clinical term) who’d been bitten in half by a flying shark with one or possibly TWO HEADS.

Or maybe instead of cutting Jack Nicholson’s nose with an itty-bitty knife, Roman Polanski could have CHOPPED IT OFF WITH ACal Seething- July 29- Roman CHAINSAW and as all the blood gushed into the LA River, there would be a close up on a super-intelligent CGI shark in the water smelling the blood and turning its head as if to say “Oooooh, something suddenly smells simply delectable. Is that a hint of Private Detective nose I’m getting? I simply must go investigate” ‘cause you know that’s a real fucking thing sharks do, and then the shark could jump out of the water and BITE ROMAN POLANSKI’S NOSE AND WHOLE FACE OFF, cause that’s what qualifies as “irony” in these movies, as well as DEVOURING the blond in a bikini with the HUGE GAZONGAS (technical term) who inexplicably accompanies Polanski to all of his important nose cutting jobs – which is particularly surprising since she’s over 14.

So, yeah, maybe if Polanksi had just been a little bit more imaginative or tried just a little bit harder he could have made a movie as awesome as Sharknado – but he didn’t – so forget it Roman, L.A’s Sharknado’s town.

Which is appropriate, because Sharknado’s got every bit as much to say about LA as Chinatown. The asshole New Yorker on the freeway who gets eaten alive by a shark on the 405 right after complaining about stupid Californians who freak out when it rains; the substitute teacher from Wyoming who came out to LA to be an actor and was killed by a flying letter from the Hollywood sign; Cal Seething- 072814- ferrisa shark crashing into the cement outside Mann’s Chinese Theatre and leaving it’s own “footprint”; the Ferris Wheel on the Santa Monica pier coming loose and crashing right through the iconic sign on the pier – thereby destroying all future “hey, look, moron, if you didn’t fucking realize it already, we’re in LA” montages during Laker game broadcasts.

I mean, who needs some boring old incredibly brilliant and thought provoking social commentary about water rights in the San Fernando Valley directed by a borderline child molester when you’ve got sharks devouring New Yorkers stuck in traffic on the freeway, which, let’s face it, we’ve all fantasized about a little on the 405 during rush hour (IDEA FOR A SEQUEL: Sharknado vs Carmageddon – Seriously, We Mean It – Stay Off The Roads This Weekend).

Of course, you could argue that none of this shark biting stuff is truly necessary for quality filmmaking and may, in fact, be detrimental to art of cinema. And, of course, you’d be absolutely right. Well done! Nicely argued Mr. Barista with $100,000 in film school debt.

It’s too bad that bitch of an Assistant Manager isn’t impressed by your knowledge of cinema and hipster mustache and insists on riding your ass about coming in late and not restocking the cups. What a Fascist! She’s worse than Hitler and Harvey Weinstein put together. She totally just resents you cause she knows she’s still gonna be stuck working at Starbucks while you’re accepting Cal Seething- July 29- Catyour Best Original Screenplay Oscar for AmericKKKan KKKoffee Shop. Wait til she sees that scene where the mean assistant manager gets tied to the bed by the shy, nerdy film maker who blindfolds her with his black polo and spanks her with a copy of Save the Cat until she screams out “You’re right. Geniuses shouldn’t have to refill the creamer. Hit me again with your scathing insights about the state of contemporary independent film financing.” Ha! The joke’s really going to be on her then! If only your mom would just donate to your Kickstarter already, you could really get this film made.

But the problem with your argument, oh Wise Mr. Barista Man, is that Sharknado is a SyFy Channel movie and SyFy doesn’t care about quality filmmaking or doing things the “right” way. Hell, they don’t even care about spelling “Sci Fi” correctly, do you really think they give a shit “story structure” and “character arc.”

And, you know what – good for them. Who needs quality filmmaking anyhow? What has that gotten us lately? Before Midnight? SPOILER ALERT – growing up sucks- NEXT! Fruitvale Station? SPOILER ALERT – America sucks – NEXT! Elysium – what is that anyhow? Some dystopian allegory about economic inequality and environmental destruction? SPOILER ALERT – HUMANITY SUCKS – stop whining and bring on the flying sharks – and get me my fucking iced latte already! If you’re such a good writer why can’t you spell my name right on the cup? Get it right or I’ll talk to the Assistant Manager again. She just can’t wait to take another shark-sized bite out of your bratty, entitled little worthless millennial ass.

SyFy, you see is carrying on a proud tradition of B-Movie making in this country. And, as the Russ Meyer of Basic Cable Channels – SyFy understands that you can’t spell B Movie without Shark Bites, Bosoms and Buckets of Blood, Baby!

Plus- they understand the 3 basic rules of B-Movie Making:


1. More is More

Cal Seething- July 29- ChainsawShark

Look, strictly speaking, Ian Ziering didn’t need to fight off a flying shark with a chainsaw at the end of Sharknado. In fact, most contemporary ichthyologists agree that if a shark does come flying at you out of a tornado with its mouth wide open, the best thing you can do is take one step to the left and let it HIT THE GROUND AND FUCKING DIE. IT’S A FISH. IT’S NOT GONNA MAKE IT ON LAND. I mean, it’s not like the shark is going to crash into the ground and suddenly transform into a Grizzly Bear and maul you – not in Sharknado, anyhow. I mean, sure, maybe if you were starring in Grizzly Shark vs SharKoala Bear – but that’s a whole different movie. It’s a good one, though:

A shy, nerdy scientist (Dustin Diamond) working in a secret lab in Cancun (which looks an awful lot like Oxnard) is manipulated by an evil American politician (Brian Austin Green as “Senator Silver”) into creating a genetic hybrid of Great White Shark and Grizzly Bear to be used to protect Alaska from Russian invasion at the secret request of President Palin.

The Grizzly Shark gets loose, though, right at the height of spring break and starts mauling coeds in bikinis with huge tetongas (Spanish technical term). The only way they can stop it is to bring in the sexy female, brilliant-but-reckless Australian scientist (Kylie Minogue) who has developed an experimental Great White Shark / Koala Bear genetic hybrid for…some reason, along Cal Seething- 072814- paulwith grizzled old Aussie hunter (Paul Hogan in the “Robert Shaw Memorial Grizzled Old Guy Who Dies Pointlessly, Like, Literally Five Minutes Before the Shark is Killed Just to Make Some Fucking Point About Hubris, I Guess“ Role) who has a five minute monologue about how his father was killed by a shark and his mother was mauled by a bear and then gets bitten and mauled like, literally five minutes before Grizzly Shark gets killed to make some fucking point about hubris. I guess.

Clearly you see my point. Killing a shark with a chainsaw is in no way necessary. It’s not even a good idea. What it is, though, is, to quote Adam Richman “Awesome”. And unlike cheese fondue, tequila and reality shows about white trash idiots doing random jobs that you can’t possibly believe anybody actually does (“on a brand new American Crapfest, Dickface and Steve get hired to build a custom toilet for NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt Jr. – but when the job gets backed up and delays start hitting the fan – will they be able to pull another successful job out of their butts or will the whole company go down the drain?”) – awesomeness is one good thing you can never get enough of.

So, let’s go, pile on the awesomeness!! A shark devouring an annoying TV reporter live on camera? AWESOME! Ian Ziering shooting sharks out of the sky with a handgun to protect his son’s helicopter as he flies into a shark infested tornado to drop a bomb into it? AWESOME! An opening sequence on a boat where an Evil Ambiguous Asian buying sharks illegally for shark fin soup from an Evil Ambiguous Latino both get devoured by flying sharks in a hurricane which has ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING whatsofuckingever to do with the rest of the movie?



2. Kitsch is King / Karma is a Killer


Look, I hate to tell Ian Ziering this but they didn’t cast him for his great acting. They cast him cause they thought it would be funny to have a washed up, beach bum Steve Sanders racing back to Beverly Hills to heroically rescue his blond bimbo trophy wife and estranged kids- and it was! It’s the best use of Ian Ziering in a movie since Steve Sanders played the Pizza Guy in the porno that was shot at Brandon’s house.

The fact that he turned out to be the best actor in the movie is kind of a bonus – it’s like that time I went to see Rick Springfield at a casino in Atlantic City so I could laugh at all the secretaries in leopard skin Spandex and ended up kind of liking the stuff off his new album. I mean, sure, being the best actor in a movie starring Tara Reid is like being the best Quarterback on a Jets team with Mark Sanchez or being the best pass receiver on a Patriots team with Hernandez, Gronkowski, and Welker, but still.

By the way- here’s a little riddle – what do two of the best Patriots pass receivers from last season have in common? They’re both wearing Orange uniforms this year – HA! Oh, and they’re both getting ass raped in the shower #peytonsdirtylittlesecret #helikeshisendstight.

Cal Seething- July 29- Tiffany1It’s important to keep in mind, though, that Kitsch casting is an art- you can’t just put some washed up old star in a movie and ASSUME it’s going to be entertaining. Look at Mega Piranha as an example – sure they cast Tiffany – but they had her playing a dowdy scientist who takes everything all seriously and worries about the fate of mankind. I mean, what were they thinking? Why on earth would they cast Tiffany in what was clearly a Gabrielle Carteris role???

In Mega Python vs Gateroid they got it right.


Tiffany plays a voluptuous sheriff hell bent on the destruction of Debbie Gibson who has lines like “I think we’re alone now – there doesn’t seem to be anyone around” – BRILLIANT! A masterpiece of kitsch casting rivaled only by the casting of Ian Ziering as Fin Shepard in Sharknado and Anthony Wiener as Eliot Spitzer in Dumb Shit New York Democrats II: The Revenge of Carlos Danger.

According to a Fox News poll, btw – while 60% of Americans disapproved of Wiener’s sexting – 85% disapproved of the fact that he chose a “Goddamn Mexican sex name – and not a good solid American name like John Hardcock or Jimmy Bob Boner.” As Megyn Kelly Tweeted “First Mark Anthony at the All Star Game, now Carlos Danger? What’s America coming to? #obama”

Then, of course, there is SyFy B-Movie Karma. Traditionally, Karma is defined as:

“The force generated by a person’s actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person’s next existence.”

In SyFy movies – Karma is defined as:

“’Are you out of your mind, there’s no possible way that a shark could make it all the way up here to Beverly Hil…AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH, HELP, SHARK!!!!!!!!!’ bite, chomp, blood spatter, dead douchebag.”

This brings up a very important safety tip – if you do find yourself in the midst of a shark infestation – DO NOT DO the following:

  • Swim in murky waters
  • Splash around and draw attention to yourself
  • Say anything disparaging or insulting about sharks or their ability to attack you, no matter how far-fetched it may seem that they could do it. Sharks FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT. Seriously, dude, it’s a shark. Show some goddamn respect and you might just survive this attack. Otherwise, SyFy Movie Karma’s gonna get you before you can say “Sharks? Coming out of the sand in Las Vegas? Don’t be rediculou….AAAAAARRRGGGGGH, HELP, SHARK!!!! Bite, chomp, blood spatter, dead you.

3. Logic is for Losers

OK – pop-quiz time – which of these roles do you think presents the greatest acting challenge?

  1. Hamlet
  2. King Lear
  3. Fin Shepard in Sharknado (Hey – his name is Fin – I just got that – HA! This movie just gets better and better!)

If you answered A or B you’re dead wrong. Any Freshman theatre major with a pair of tights can rock out a halfway decent “Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I” or stand out in the rain bellowing “Seriously, dude, I can’t believe my daughter’s such a royal BEYOTCH!!!!!!” or whatever the fuck King Lear says anyhow #laziesttheatrestudentever. But it takes a true thespian of Zieringesque proportions to deliver a line like “a tornado can pick up marine life and drop it hundreds of miles from the coast line” like that’s a real fucking thing that we should seriously be concerned about. Cause, at the risk of being karmicaly (and comically) being devoured by a flying shark – it’s not.


I mean, sure, I suppose a tornado could pick up a buncha sharks and drop them on land but they wouldn’t exactly come flying out of the sky with mouths agape ready to devour and destroy everyone in their path who dares defy them. No. They’d be dead. There would be a giant rain of dead sharks and the only movie you could make about it would be an extremely tedious documentary about how Global Warming created a freak storm which obliterated thousands of animals from an endangered species. And while I’m sure that An Inconvenient Tooth would be an important film, it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun as Sharknado.

SyFy B-Movies, you see, are like the lies you tell your parents as a teenager. They’re not about what’s “real” but about “what you can get away with making someone believe” as determined by the following simple equation:  T = D x WTB – or Truth = Delivery x Willingness to Believe.

I mean, look, your parents want to believe that you were hard at work at your unbelievably shitty book store job all day – not that you played hooky to drop acid and go to an amusement park. So when they confront you and say “Hey, your job called today and asked where you were” – they want you to lie to them – as long as you can deliver the lie with a straight face. If you can say “Oh yeah, I got there early so I started counting books and I totally got locked in the storeroom and nobody found me there for hours” with a straight face even though your mom’s face is melting and you’re seeing trails every time your dad moves his hands – then do it, go for it – they totally want to believe it – so it’ll end up being the Truth.

Same with Sharknado – we want to believe that there might just be some tiny little thread of logic in this movie so that we’re not total idiots for wasting our time watching it, so just give us some kind of totally half-assed absurdly implausible scientific crap and say it with a straight face and we’ll fall for it like a couple of parents who are convinced that the little baggie full of green stuff in their son’s room is really just basil for the pesto he was gonna make for a surprise Mother’s Day dinner. Surprise! Sure, it’s unusually pro-active of him to have bought it in November – but, you know, he sounded so sincere when he said what it was that he couldn’t possibly have been lying. I mean, he’s good – but he’s no Ian Ziering.

Of course, when it comes to telling outrageous lies that people want to hear, nobody beats an Israeli contractor. Like, for instance when they say “This job take one to two weeks maximum” when the truth is “You stupid bastards are still going to be showering with a hose in the backyard six fucking months from now cause it takes us one day to painstakingly put up one fucking piece of tile and then we’ve got to take it down the next day and do it again cause we’re morons.”

Or when they say “I’ll come back tomorrow to finish.” when the truth is “I have absolutely no idea when I’m coming back here but I do know for goddamn sure that it ain’t gonna be tomorrow”. Or the biggest Israeli lie of all “Don’t worry. This renovation is not problem” when the truth is “WORRY. WORRY NOW. WORRY A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. THIS IS THE WORST IDEA YOU’VE EVER HAD!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T RENOVATE!!!!! THIS IS A BIG PROBLEM!!! THIS IS VERRRRY BIG PROBLEM!!!!!RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!“

Now I know how Bill Clinton felt when Rabin told him “Two state solution? Don’t worry. That is not problem. We finish in one, twoCal Seething- 072814- rabin weeks maximum. I come back to Camp David to finish negotiations tomorrow.”

So – hey, how about that? I ended up writing about my bathroom renovation anyhow. And the best part is, now I’ve got images of sharks devouring my Israeli contractors. Wait, wait, hold on a second, let me enjoy this. Aaaaaahhhh, that’s the stuff. This gives me a great new idea for a sequel – Sharknado 2: Shark Attack is Not Problem in which Ian Ziering and Tara Reid get back together and rebuild their house which was destroyed in the first movie – only their incompetent Israeli contractors accidentally link up their sewer to a secret underground shark tank overseen by a dowdy scientist who takes everything all seriously and is worried about the future of mankind (Gabrielle Carteris – duh), and thousands of sharks start gushing out of their toilet devouring every Israeli in their path (oooh, that’s like heroin).

I mean, sure, I know it’s far fetched – let’s face it, there’s no possible way that a shark could EVER come out of a toilet, it’s just redic….. AAAAAARRRGGGGGH, HELP, SHARK!!!! Bite, chomp, blood spatter. End of blogumn. Good bye

Cal Seething- July 29- SharkToilet