Holy shit, you guys- it’s almost 2015- can you believe it? I know I can’t believe it because I keep saying “2005” all the time. But then, I’m hardly reliable when it comes to stuff like this- hell, I still wake up in a cold sweat wondering if my VCR is Y2K compliant. Remember Y2K! Ha! Remember how we were so incredibly freaked out and worried that something TERRIBLE AND APOCALYPTIC was gonna happen on January 1st 2000 and then the following September it totally did. Yeah. Good times. If we’d cared just half as much about tracking the terrorists enrolled in our flight schools as we did about making sure that we’d still be able to watch our old Animaniacs tapes in the new millennium then we might have been spared all that bloodshed and anguish and schmaltzy halftime spectacles where soldiers are brought out to surprise their tearful family on the field. I’m amazed they still find families who fall for the whole “surprise reunion” gag, but then I’m amazed anyone still joins the Army in the first place. Don’t get me wrong- I support the troops- hell, someone has to protect the cherished freedoms that we tortured so many people for- but I think we all know that being a soldier these days is an incredibly shitty job. Hell, isn’t that why we have to be so fucking grateful all the time? It’s not even like they get to go somewhere cool- there’s a reason nobody sings “How you gonna keep em down on the farm after the’ve seen Fallujah?” And think of the miserable shit they have do over there- hell, if they were sipping Earl Grey and getting handjobs from doe eyed British nurses all day, we wouldn’t have to throw them parades, and let them go ahead of us in line when we’re boarding a plane. and clap when they walk into bars and all the other shit they do in Budweiser commercials to show their love for the poor sons of bitches who got their legs blown off as a thank you note for spreading the gift of democracy. A gift which the US has dispensed over the past decade like so many Christmas fruitcakes around the world- unwanted, hard to make and impossible to swallow.
So, right, anyhow- like I was saying- it’s almost 2015- which means it’s time for everybody to engage in their favorite meaningless end of the year rituals- hurray! For most, that means drinking til you puke and emptying your FSA account (Who wants Abilify?? I’m makin’ it rain at CVS, mothafuckaz. Keepin’ it real in Fiscal 15!). For me, though, as a semi-professional, totally unpaid and largely irrelevant blogger- it means putting together an arbitrary and totally random top 10 list. So- here you have it- since I’m not really sure I’ve seen 10 new tv series or 10 movies and I sure as hell haven’t bought 10 new albums- I decided to do the Top 10 Things I’m Seething Over in 2014.
#1. SONY Deciding to show The Interview after all
If there’s one thing that really gets my goat it’s a Chupacabra. Poor little Billy. He never stood a chance. But that’s a whole other story.
Anyhow, if there’s something else that really pisses me off it’s when I get myself whipped up into a rich, frothy, delicious foam of righteous indignant fury only to get exactly what I want before I have a chance to spew my hot, sweet rage all over the place (does anyone else want hot chocolate? Hot chocolate? Hot chocolate? Just me?) It’s absolutely one of the worst things that can happen- and I’m not alone in thinking so. White People Problems magazine has it as as #2 on their Top 10 of 2014. #3 is buying the absolute perfect Halloween dress for your newly adopted darling little Maltipoo only to find out it’s a size too small and the bastards at Petco won’t take it back cause they say she stretched it out and now I have to sue those motherfuckers because she has body image issues and her vet therapy bills aren’t covered by Bobamacare. And #1 is picking up your precious little Maltipoo’s precious little poo in a plastic bag in a park in San Francisco and trying to figure out which can to put it in. Is it compost, cause- poop? Recycling cause- plastic? Or landfill cause- fuck it? Would it kill them to put a picture of dogshit on one of the cans? Cause what the fuck else are people throwing out in the park??? I mean thank god they have that picture of the broken saucer cause if the homeless-by-choice trustafrians and me decide to have a tea party with the crazy bitch yelling about Jesus and the phone company, and one of us breaks a piece of priceless delft china at least we’ll know which fucking trash can to put it in (Landfill. Fucked up right? They can’t recycle that Shit? No wonder the polar bears are dying.)
Yeah- so just imagine how frustrating it would be for me if just as I was getting ready to rant about the stupid trash cans some little Oompa Loompa came out with a paintbrush and added a picture of dogshit while singing rhymed cuplets (“what if you throw your recycling in trash?/the homeless will take it and trade it for cash”) and totally took away what I was pissed off about? That would suck , right? Well- it’s the same thing with this SONY crap.
Here I was brewing up a nice hot, dark, sweet, rich and creamy rant (Seriously- nobody wants hot chocolate?) about SONY’s pathetic cowardice and how we should screen the movie on the National Mall and show those North Koreans that the eagle isn’t our national bird- the Washington Monument is- and we’re flipping it right in Kim Jong Un’s gouty little fucking face- and then- what does SONY do? They back down from their backing down and decide to show the damn movie after all- provided Obama cancels North Korea’s AOL account. (It’s about fucking time if you ask me- they’ve been stockpiling those Free 1000 Hour CD ROM’s over there since 95.) And there I am, with my proverbial dick in my proverbial hand all pissed off cause I’ve got nothing to be pissed off about. Man, that pisses me off! I mean, really I should be grateful to SONY since now that the movie’s been released I don’t have to see it- cause the only thing more American than having freedom is being too lazy to take advantage of it (this is also the slogan of the GOP’s new Koch the Vote campaign- a huge success in the midterms.) But instead all I feel is outrage. You know what I mean? Oh yeah you do- cause this is 20-fucking-14 and if you’re not pissed off about something- you’re not alive. Which brings me to my second thing:
#2. Pointless Outrage
When I was 19 and used to attend Indigo Girls concerts, I participated in a Women Take Back the Night march. To be clear, I didn’t actually march since, being a man, I already had the night and it would have been gauche to try and also take it back. You don’t win Final Jeopardy and also ask for the home game. I stayed back with the other sensitive men and beleaguered boyfriends in a support circle. The idea was that we would talk earnestly about womyn’s issues while they were marching and then greet them with lit candles when they returned in a show of solidarity. It was a lovely notion, but unfortunately it was a windy night and the candles kept going out and as a result when the womyn returned they were greeted by a bunch of dudes with wax phalluses. But anyhow- while we were engaged in our earnest chat, one of us, a square headed meat log with Greek on his sweatshirt and Long Island in his voice shared an “aha!” moment that he had. While he was in his dorm room, someone came by selling “slap a JAP” (Jewish American Princess) t-shirts- and even though all his suitemates laughed and thought it was funny, he realized these shirts encouraged violence against women and told the guy selling shirts to “Fuck off!” We all nodded and shared our support, but then the stringy haired string bean leading the group said “It’s interesting that you chose to say ‘fuck’- which is a sexual word ,to express a violent idea” and instead of supporting and encouraging our frat boy friend for taking a stance- he crapped all over him for using the wrong word. And I remember watching this happen and thinking “Huh. FUCK YOU! There’s no way I’m going to participate in anything you organize ever again. I just hope I never live in a world where words are more important than actions, where everything we think and say is scrutinized for ideological correctness and where shitheads use semantics to feel superior. That would suck!” So….hey, everybody- Welcome to 2014!
Look, I get it- the things we say matter, we all have unconscious biases and good intentions aren’t enough. But just cause the road to hell is paved with good intentions it doesn’t mean the road to heaven is paved with self righteous dickitude. You keep reminding me that I’m an unconscious asshole- fine, I might as well just be one consciously, too and at least have some fun with it. And speaking of “fun”- when did we lose our ability to have any? I’m not talking about just liberals here, the one thing Americans on both sides of the aisle agree about is that the only way to react to anything they see, hear or read is to get their panties in a twist- and if you just read this and are outraged that I said “panties in a twist” – well then, I might just be talking about you (I can rephrase it to “briefs in a bunch” if it makes you happy- or is that culturally insensitive to the plight of Wedgie Sufferers?) Seriously- when did we get so uptight? Is Social Media to blame? It’s true that Twitter accounts are like hemorrhoids- no inflamed asshole is complete without one. And, of course, there’s academia- we used to stare at Magic Eye posters looking for dolphins and students today watch Two Broke Girls looking for White Privilege (I haven’t seen either). And, yeah, sure, if the media’s gonna fish for clicks by chumming the internet 24/7 then of course the dumber sharks will fight it out in the comment section.
But, regardless of the cause- I think we should make 2015 the year we all GET OVER IT. A scientist Tweets out a joke about Isaac Newton’s birthday on Christmas? GET OVER IT! A total stranger’s email is stolen and after you read it without her permission you don’t care for what she has to say in a PRIVATE conversation? GET OVER IT! Black James Bond? GET OVER IT! White Ramses II? GET OVER IT! The President who’s been busting his ASS for six years to save this nation of ingrates from the catastrophic stupidity of his predecessor, and has managed to get a hell of a lot done despite unprecedented opposition, wants to take his family to Hawaii for a week and play a GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE ROUND OF GOLF??? GET. OVER. IT!! #getoverit Just think how much better life would be if we as a nation just took a fucking chill pill. And- hey- I’ve still got money on my FSA- CHILL PILLS FOR EVERYONE! Wash ‘em down with an Abilify chaser and a warm mug of hot chocolate. Seriously-NO ONE???
Or- if you’re going to be righteously indignant all the time- at least be entertaining. Or, if you can’t be entertaining- at least be consistent, which brings me to:
Quick impression of my fellow liberals (love you guys!)
White cop murders a black man through the use of excessive and unjustified force: This is an outrage! All cops are racists, power crazed, jackbooted thugs committing state sanctioned violations of human rights. We demand action!
Islamic radicals murder 140 people in a school, days after other Islamic radicals kidnap 100 young women, days after a different Islamic radical takes over a café in Australia: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not jump to any conclusions. These are radical extremists who don’t represent Islam as a whole. And anyhow, we’re pretty sure it’s Israel’s fault.
So….yeah. Here’s the thing. If we’re going to say that the repeated incidents of violence and discrimination by police officers demonstrate that there is a deeply ingrained culture of bias and abuse that must be dealt with on a macro level (which, fuck yeah, it absolutely should) – then, why can’t we say that the far more frequent- and exponentially worse instances of violence and brutality committed by Islamic radicals, who are heavily funded by wealthy citizens and the governments of Arab nations, demonstrate that there is a deeply ingrained culture of extreme intolerance, unspeakable cruelty, vicious hatred and an utter lack of regard for human life in Islam today that needs to be dealt with on a macro level???? If we truly consider ourselves to be advocates for human rights- why aren’t we FUCKING ADVOCATING where it counts the most? Why are we less outraged by what’s happening in the Middle East as we are by who Ridley Scott casts to play Middle Easterners? Where are the cries for divestment to state sponsors of terror like Saudi Arabia and Qatar? Look, Qatar may be a great country when you’re stuck with a “Q” in Scrabble- but it’s a living hell for migrant workers (migrant workers playing Scrabble are conflicted.)
And, yeah, I know, all religions have their crazy extremists- but, come on here, when was the last time Westboro Baptist Church members strapped bombs to themselves and blew up a bus? And when was the last time Chabad committed a beheading on YouTube? Sure- Christianity had the Crusades back in the day and they were horrible. Fair enough. Tell you what- if the Pope starts sending armies of children to the Holy Land to be massacred, I’ll be the first to tweet about it. I’ll start working on the hashtags now (#CancelCrusades #TemplarLivesMatter)
Look, I’m not saying we should scream epithets at people wearing turbans or throw rocks through Muslim owned businesses. Of course that’s bigoted, wrong, and intolerant. I am just saying- we need to openly acknowledge that there is a very serious human rights crisis around the globe and that the international Islamic community needs to be held accountable. Oh, and that there is a whole lot worse shit happening in the Middle East than what’s going on in Israel- which brings me to another minor point of contention with my leftist comrades:
#4 Endlessly attacking the only island of democracy in the ocean of madness that is the Middle East is just plain silly. So…yeah- some of you may want to skip this part. Maybe read this inspiring article about Eight Ways You Can Improve Your Life in 2015 and meet me a little later.For the rest of you- I’m not saying Israel is perfect- they’ve done their share of incredibly stupid things and have certainly not always dealt well with the Palestinian population- and for the mistakes they have made they need to be held accountable- no question.
But, imagine for a moment that Canada and Mexico refused to recognize the US and were hell bent on destroying it. Actually- no, fuck that. Imagine that you lived in Rhode Island- no, no, no- wait- hold on it gets worse. Imagine that you lived in Rhode Island and that Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Maryland, Virginia, West Virginia, Ohio and Delaware were all totally committed to assuring your absolute destruction. I know what you’re thinking- OH NO- NOT DELAWARE! But yes-EVEN DELAWARE hated you and, when they failed to defeat you militarily, they turned to sponsoring waves of terror attacks, including suicide bombings and indiscriminate rocket firings from densely populated civilian areas. What would you do? Shut up. I’ll tell you what you would do. You would fucking defend yourself- you’re an American. We got attacked ONCE and turned the fucking world upside-down. And you know what, you’d probably make some mistakes, and some tragic shit would happen, and some of the wrong people would die because your enemies don’t care about the lives of their citizens and fire rockets from schools and hospitals- but, seriously, what the fuck are you supposed to do? No- please – enlighten me oh fucking enlightened ones- and tell me what the fuck, exactly, would you do?
Or, wait – how about this? If you believe that Israel is the real problem country in the Middle East- why not take a little trip around the area? Visit some of the neighbors. I hear Syria is beautiful at this time in history. Perhaps you could consult the local peaceful, moderate, Islamic religious authorities and have a little chat with them about gender equality, or gay rights, or religious tolerance, how important it is that the military be inclusive to transgender individuals (like it is in Israel). Then, after a quick beheading, spend the weekend in Israel hitting the gay clubs in Tel Aviv, tanning topless on the beach in Eilat and protesting in Jerusalem without getting shot. Then, perhaps we can discuss human rights situation in the Middle East. Maybe having your head cut off will open your eyes.
#5 Absolutely all injustice committed by anyone against anyone at any place at any time ever from the beginning of the world to infinity. It’s all very, very bad.
And- oh yeah- Guns (#5)– what’s up with all the guns? Guns are dumb. We have the right to own grapefruit, too- but if you blabbed on all the time about how important grapefruit is and how the man is taking your grapefruit away and you stockpiled a basement full of grapefruit to assert your rights, everyone would just think you’re nuts. And, guess what? You kinda are.
And, oh oh oh, why does everyone always think my dog is a boy (#7)– It’s not enough she’s got body image issues, now you’ve gotta give her gender issues as well?? I don’t need a fuzzy little Shiloh Jolie Pitt on my hands, thank you very much, so just stick to “it” if you don’t know.
Alright- good enough- the Top Ten or, well, Seven Things I’m Seething About in 2014. Now I can just kick back and relax knowing I’ve spent all my FSA money in 2014 and I’m leaving nothing on the table. Wait- what? Our fiscal year ends in June? CRAP. Well- I guess I’ve got my first thing to be pissed about in 2015. Alright- now who wants to join me in a celebratory hot chocolate? OH COME ON!!!! Fuck y’all then.
Want some now??? PSYCH! Happy Fucking New Year! Let’s bring back “psych” in 2015!
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