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[California Seething] The Stupid Year’s Over- Here’s a Random List

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Holy shit, you guys- it’s almost 2015- can you believe it? I know I can’t believe it because I keep saying “2005” all the time. But Cal Seething- 122914- y2kthen, I’m hardly reliable when it comes to stuff like this- hell, I still wake up in a cold sweat wondering if my VCR is Y2K compliant. Remember Y2K! Ha! Remember how we were so incredibly freaked out and worried that something TERRIBLE AND APOCALYPTIC was gonna happen on January 1st 2000 and then the following September it totally did. Yeah. Good times. If we’d cared just half as much about tracking the terrorists enrolled in our flight schools as we did about making sure that we’d still be able to watch our old Animaniacs tapes in the new millennium then we might have been spared all that bloodshed and anguish and schmaltzy halftime spectacles where soldiers are brought out to surprise their tearful family on the field. I’m amazed they still find families who fall for the whole “surprise reunion” gag, but then I’m amazed anyone still joins the Army in the first place. Don’t get me wrong- I support the troops- hell, someone has to protect the cherished freedoms that we tortured so many people for- but I think we all know that being a soldier these days is an incredibly shitty job. Hell, isn’t that why we have to be so fucking grateful all the time? It’s not even like they get to go somewhere cool- there’s a reason nobody sings “How you gonna keep em down on the farmCal Seething- 122914- soldier after the’ve seen Fallujah?” And think of the miserable shit they have do over there- hell, if they were sipping Earl Grey and getting handjobs from doe eyed British nurses all day, we wouldn’t have to throw them parades, and let them go ahead of us in line when we’re boarding a plane. and clap when they walk into bars and all the other shit they do in Budweiser commercials to show their love for the poor sons of bitches who got their legs blown off as a thank you note for spreading the gift of democracy. A gift which the US has dispensed over the past decade like so many Christmas fruitcakes around the world- unwanted, hard to make and impossible to swallow.

So, right, anyhow- like I was saying- it’s almost 2015- which means it’s time for everybody to engage in their favorite meaningless end of the year rituals- hurray! For most, that means drinking til you puke and emptying your FSA account (Who wants Abilify?? I’m makin’ it rain at CVS, mothafuckaz. Keepin’ it real in Fiscal 15!). For me, though, as a semi-professional, totally unpaid and largely irrelevant blogger- it means putting together an arbitrary and totally random top 10 list. So- here you have it- since I’m not really sure I’ve seen 10 new tv series or 10 movies and I sure as hell haven’t bought 10 new albums- I decided to do the Top 10 Things I’m Seething Over in 2014.

#1. SONY Deciding to show The Interview after all

If there’s one thing that really gets my goat it’s a Chupacabra. Poor little Billy. He never stood a chance. But that’s a whole other story.

Anyhow, if there’s something else that really pisses me off it’s when I get myself whipped up into a rich, frothy, delicious foam of righteous indignant fury only to get exactly what I want before I have a chance to spew my hot, sweet rage all over the place (does anyone else want hot chocolate? Hot chocolate? Hot chocolate? Just me?) It’s absolutely one of the worst things that Cal-Seething--122914--punkycan happen- and I’m not alone in thinking so. White People Problems magazine has it as as #2 on their Top 10 of 2014. #3 is buying the absolute perfect Halloween dress for your newly adopted darling little Maltipoo only to find out it’s a size too small and the bastards at Petco won’t take it back cause they say she stretched it out and now I have to sue those motherfuckers because she has body image issues and her vet therapy bills aren’t covered by Bobamacare. And #1 is picking  up your precious little Maltipoo’s precious little poo in a  plastic bag in a park in San Francisco and trying to figure out which can to put it in. Cal-Seething--122914--trashIs it compost, cause- poop? Recycling cause- plastic? Or landfill cause- fuck it? Would it kill them to put a picture of dogshit on one of the cans? Cause what the fuck else are people throwing out in the park??? I mean thank god they have that picture of the broken Cal-Seething--122914--landfsaucer cause if the homeless-by-choice trustafrians and me decide to have a tea party with the crazy bitch yelling about Jesus and the phone company, and one of us breaks a piece of priceless delft china at least we’ll know which fucking trash can to put it in (Landfill. Fucked up right? They can’t recycle that Shit? No wonder the polar bears are dying.)

Yeah- so just imagine how frustrating it would be for me if just as I was getting ready to rant about the stupid trash cans some little Oompa Loompa came out with a paintbrush and added a picture of dogshit while singing rhymed cuplets (“what if you throw your recycling in trash?/the homeless will take it and trade it for cash”) and totally took away what I was pissed off about? That would suck , right? Well- it’s the same thing with this SONY crap.

Here I was brewing up a nice hot, dark, sweet, rich and creamy rant (Seriously- nobody wants hot chocolate?) about SONY’s pathetic cowardice and how we should screen the movie on the National Mall and show those North Koreans that the eagle isn’t Cal Seething- 122914- washingtonour national bird- the Washington Monument is- and we’re flipping it right in Kim Jong Un’s gouty little fucking face- and then- what does SONY do? They back down from their backing down and decide to show the damn movie after all- provided Obama cancels North Korea’s AOL account. (It’s about fucking time if you ask me- they’ve been stockpiling those Free 1000 Hour CD ROM’s over there since 95.) And there I am, with my proverbial dick in my proverbial hand all pissed off cause I’ve got nothing to be pissed off about. Man, that pisses me off! I mean, really I should be grateful to SONY since now that the movie’s been released I don’t have to see it- cause the only thing more American than having freedom is being too lazy to take advantage of it (this is also the slogan of the GOP’s new Koch the Vote campaign- a huge success in the midterms.) But instead all I feel is outrage. You know what I mean? Oh yeah you do- cause this is 20-fucking-14 and if you’re not pissed off about something- you’re not alive. Which brings me to my second thing:

#2. Pointless Outrage

When I was 19 and used to attend Indigo Girls concerts, I participated in a Women Take Back the Night march. To be clear, I RAY SALIERSdidn’t actually march since, being a man, I already had the night and it would have been gauche to try and also take it back. You don’t win Final Jeopardy and also ask for the home game. I stayed back with the other sensitive men and beleaguered boyfriends in a support circle. The idea was that we would talk earnestly about womyn’s issues while they were marching and then greet them with lit candles when they returned in a show of solidarity. It was a lovely notion, but unfortunately it was a windy night and the candles kept going out and as a result when the womyn returned they were greeted by a bunch of dudes with wax phalluses. But anyhow- while we were engaged in our earnest chat, one of us, a square headed meat log with Greek on his sweatshirt and Long Island in his voice shared an “aha!” moment that he had. While he was in his dorm room, someone came by selling “slap a JAP” (Jewish American Princess) t-shirts- and even though all his suitemates laughed and thought it was funny, he realized these shirts encouraged violence against women and told the guy selling shirts to “Fuck off!” We all nodded and shared our support, but then the stringy haired string bean leading the group said “It’s interesting that you chose to say ‘fuck’- which is a sexual word ,to express a violent idea” and instead of supporting and encouraging our frat boy friend for taking a stance- he crapped all over him for using the wrong word. And I remember watching this happen and thinking “Huh. FUCK YOU! There’s no way I’m going to participate in anything you organize ever again. I just hope I never live in a world where words are more important than actions, where everything we think and say is scrutinized for ideological correctness and where shitheads use semantics to feel superior. That would suck!” So….hey, everybody- Welcome to 2014!

Look, I get it- the things we say matter, we all have unconscious biases and good intentions aren’t enough. But just cause the road to hell is paved with good intentions it doesn’t mean the road to heaven is paved with self righteous dickitude. You keep reminding me that I’m an unconscious asshole- fine, I might as well just be one consciously, too and at least have some fun with it. And speaking of “fun”- when did we lose our ability to have any? I’m not talking about just liberals here, the one thing Americans on both sides of the aisle agree about is that the only way to react to anything they see, hear or read is to get their  panties in a twist- and if you just read this and are outraged that I said “panties in a twist” – well then, I might just be talking about you (I can rephrase it to “briefs in a bunch” if it makes you happy- or is that culturally insensitive to the plight of Wedgie Sufferers?) Seriously- when did we get so uptight? Is Social Media to blame? It’s true that Twitter accounts are like hemorrhoids-Cal Seething- 122914- magiceye no inflamed asshole is complete without one. And, of course, there’s academia- we used to stare at Magic Eye posters looking for dolphins and students today watch Two Broke Girls looking for White Privilege (I haven’t seen either). And, yeah, sure, if the media’s gonna fish for clicks by chumming the internet 24/7 then of course the dumber sharks will fight it out in the comment section.

But, regardless of the cause- I think we should make 2015 the year we all GET OVER IT. A scientist Tweets out a joke about Isaac Newton’s birthday on Christmas? GET OVER IT! A total stranger’s email is stolen and after you read it without her permission you don’t care for what she has to say in a PRIVATE conversation? GET OVER IT! Black James Bond? GET OVER IT! White Ramses II? GET OVER IT! The President who’s been busting his ASS for six years to save this nation of ingrates from the catastrophic stupidity of his predecessor, and has managed to get a hell of a lot done despite unprecedented opposition, wants to take his family to Hawaii for a week and play a GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE ROUND OF GOLF??? GET. OVER. IT!! #getoverit Just think how much better life would be if we as a nation just took a fucking chill pill. And- hey- I’ve still got money on my FSA- CHILL PILLS FOR EVERYONE! Wash ‘em down with an Abilify chaser and a warm mug of hot chocolate. Seriously-NO ONE???

Or- if you’re going to be righteously indignant all the time- at least be entertaining. Or, if you can’t be entertaining- at least be consistent, which brings me to:

#3 Islam-ipocracy

Quick impression of my fellow liberals (love you guys!)

White cop murders a black man through the use of excessive and unjustified force: This is an outrage! All cops are racists, power crazed, jackbooted thugs committing state sanctioned violations of human rights. We demand action!

Islamic radicals murder 140 people in a school, days after other Islamic radicals kidnap 100 young women, days after a different Islamic radical takes over a café in Australia:  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not jump to any Cal Seething- 122914- cafeconclusions. These are radical extremists who don’t represent Islam as a whole. And anyhow, we’re pretty sure it’s Israel’s fault.

So….yeah. Here’s the thing. If we’re going to say that the repeated incidents of violence and discrimination by police officers demonstrate that there is a deeply ingrained culture of bias and abuse that must be dealt with on a macro level (which, fuck yeah, it absolutely should) – then, why can’t we say that the far more frequent- and exponentially worse instances of violence and brutality committed by Islamic radicals, who are heavily funded by wealthy citizens and the governments of Arab nations, demonstrate that there is a deeply ingrained culture of extreme intolerance, unspeakable cruelty, vicious hatred and an utter lack of regard for human life in Islam today that needs to be dealt with on a macro level???? If we truly consider ourselves to be advocates for human rights- why aren’t we FUCKING ADVOCATING where it counts the most? Why are we less outraged by what’s happening in the Middle East as we are by who Ridley Scott casts to play Middle Easterners? Where are the cries for divestment to state sponsors of terror like Saudi Arabia and Qatar? Look, Qatar may be a great country when you’re stuck with a “Q” in Scrabble- but it’s a living hell for migrant workers (migrant workers playing Scrabble are conflicted.)

And, yeah, I know, all religions have their crazy extremists- but, come on here, when was the last time Westboro Baptist Church members strapped bombs to themselves and blew up a bus? And when was the last time Chabad committed a beheading on YouTube? Sure- Christianity had the Crusades back in the day and they were horrible. Fair enough. Tell you what- if the Pope starts sending armies of children to the Holy Land to be massacred, I’ll be the first to tweet about it. I’ll start working on the hashtags now (#CancelCrusades #TemplarLivesMatter)

Look, I’m not saying we should scream epithets at people wearing turbans or throw rocks through Muslim owned businesses. Of course that’s bigoted, wrong, and intolerant. I am just saying- we need to openly acknowledge that there is a very serious human rights crisis around the globe and that the international Islamic community needs to be held accountable. Oh, and that there is a whole lot worse shit happening in the Middle East than what’s going on in Israel- which brings me to another minor point of contention with my leftist comrades:

#4 Endlessly attacking the only island of democracy in the ocean of madness that is the Middle East is just plain silly. So…yeah- some of you may want to skip this part. Maybe read this inspiring article about Eight Ways You Can Improve Your Life in 2015 and meet me a little later.For the rest of you-  I’m not saying Israel is perfect- they’ve done their share of incredibly stupid things and have certainly not always dealt well with the Palestinian population- and for the mistakes they have made they need to be held accountable- no question.

But, imagine for a moment that Canada and Mexico refused to recognize the US and were hell bent on destroying it. Actually- no, Cal Seething- 122914- mapfuck that. Imagine that you lived in Rhode Island- no, no, no- wait- hold on it gets worse. Imagine that you lived in Rhode Island and that Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Maryland, Virginia, West Virginia, Ohio and Delaware were all totally committed to assuring your absolute destruction. I know what you’re thinking- OH NO- NOT DELAWARE! But yes-EVEN DELAWARE hated you and, when they failed to defeat you militarily, they turned to sponsoring waves of terror attacks, including suicide bombings and indiscriminate rocket firings from densely populated civilian areas. What would you do? Shut up. I’ll tell you what you would do. You would fucking defend yourself- you’re an American. We got attacked ONCE and turned the fucking world upside-down. And you know what, you’d probably make some mistakes, and some tragic shit would happen, and some of the wrong people would die because your enemies don’t care about the lives of their citizens and fire rockets from schools and hospitals- but, seriously, what the fuck are you supposed to do? No- please – enlighten me oh fucking enlightened ones- and tell me what the fuck, exactly, would you do?

Or, wait – how about this? If you believe that Israel is the real problem country in the Middle East- why not take a little trip around the area? Visit some of the neighbors. I hear Syria is beautiful at this time in history. Perhaps you could consult the local peaceful, moderate, Islamic religious authorities and have a little chat with them about gender equality, or gay rights, or religious tolerance, how important it is that the military be inclusive to transgender individuals  (like it is in Israel). Then, after a quick beheading, spend the weekend in Israel hitting the gay clubs in Tel Aviv, tanning topless on the beach in Eilat and protesting in Jerusalem without getting shot. Then, perhaps we can discuss human rights situation in the Middle East. Maybe having your head cut off will open your eyes.

Alright, I could go on at this point cataloging all the terrible stuff that happened this year and how mad it all makes me, but I’ll just save us all a lot of trouble and say:Cal Seething- 122914- injustice

#5 Absolutely all injustice committed by anyone against anyone at any place at any time ever from the beginning of the world to infinity.  It’s all very, very  bad.

And- oh yeah-  Guns (#5)what’s up with all the guns? Guns are dumb. We have the right to own grapefruit, too- but if you blabbed on all the time about how important grapefruit is and how the man is taking your grapefruit away and you stockpiled a basement full of grapefruit to assert your rights, everyone would just think you’re nuts. And, guess what? You kinda are.

And, oh oh oh, why does everyone always think my dog is a boy (#7)– It’s not enough she’s got body image issues, now you’ve gotta give her gender issues as well?? I don’t need a fuzzy little Shiloh Jolie Pitt on my hands, thank you very much, soCal Seething- 122914- shiloh just stick to “it” if you don’t know.

Alright- good enough- the Top Ten or, well, Seven Things I’m Seething About in 2014. Now I can just kick back and relax knowing I’ve spent all my FSA money in 2014 and I’m leaving nothing on the table. Wait- what? Our fiscal year ends in June? CRAP. Well- I guess I’ve got my first thing to be pissed about in 2015. Alright- now who wants to join me in a celebratory hot chocolate? OH COME ON!!!! Fuck y’all then.

 

Cal Seething- 122914- hotchoc

Want some now??? PSYCH! Happy Fucking New Year! Let’s bring back “psych” in 2015!

Awesome map above created by FreeWorldMaps.net 

 

 

 

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[Best Of California Seething] Are Israeli Contractors Worse than Flying Sharks? Discuss

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Look, the world is a terrible place and there isn’t a goddamn thing I can do about it.

Drought, famine, war, diminishing resources, rising extremism and the ticking time bomb of climate change- it all just sucks. Most of the time I feel as helpless as a stewardess on Malaysian Air, just passing out little packets of salty humor as we cross into Ukrainian airspace. And I’ve been thinking for a while that I should say something IMPORTANT about all of it- I mean, it’s not like there is a shortage of ridiculous things for me to comment on. Like the sheer absurdity of Americans urging anybody to “show restraint” in the face of repeated terror attacks, considering the way we responded to being attacked just that one time. It’s like being told by Rob Ford to take it easy on the lattes or told by Jimmy Fallon to take it easy on the Rob Ford jokes. Hell, we Americans load kids up on buses and throw rocks at them – and they don’t even hate us (yet)! If this is what we do to the people that like us, can you imagine what we would do if there was actually a threat? One rocket flies in over the border towards San Diego and God help everybody from Tijuana down to Rio. So perhaps we should show a little restraint when it comes to giving helpful advice.

Anyhow, like I said, I’ve been thinking a lot about what to say about it all and in all my deliberation about the woes of the world I Cal Seething- 072814- sharknado2fear I lost sight of what’s really important. Namely- that this Wednesday is the world premiere of SHARKNADO TWO ON SYFY!!!! Who needs peace and social justice when you’ve got sharks and chainsaws! And Ian Ziering! And Tara Reid! And flying sharks! AND CHAINSAWS!!!! If Sharknado Two isn’t the answer to your problems- THEN YOU’RE NOT ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS! So, in honor of this world changing occasion- I’m reposting last summer’s Sharknado “blogumn” – which was actually the last thing I ever posted on the late, great, Fierce and Nerdy, almost one year ago today.  And next week, I’ll post my review of Sharknado Two.

Of course, you may notice that I am also somewhat critical of Israeli contractors in this “blogumn” – but, it’s worth noting that- while Israeli contractors may be bad, at least they don’t steal all the concrete that’s provided for infrastructure and humanitarian purposes and use it to build tunnels to smuggle weapons unlike some militants I could mention.

Anyhow- that’s all I’m gonna say about it. No need to add more words to a “blogumn” that’s already 500 words longer than the script of Sharknado and 1000 words larger than Tara Reid’s vocabulary.  So- here goes- enjoy!

Originally Posted on FierceandNerdy.com- July 30, 2013 – hence the incredibly outdated references

I really meant to write about my bathroom renovation this week – offering witty insights and wise advice to anyone brave and foolish enough to trust an Israeli contractor with their money and a wet saw. Something other home owners could read, relate to and maybe even learn a little something from. But then I figured, fuck it, I’ll just write about Sharknado which, I think we all agree, is the finest LA movie since Chinatown. Maybe even better – as we can see from the comparison below:

 

Sharknado Chinatown
Flying Sharks Yes No
Ian Ziering Yes No
Chainsaw Yes No
Complex and thought provoking noir tale of rapacious greed, boundless   ambition and unthinkable depravity set against the fictionalized backdrop of   LA’s Water Wars. No Yes
IAN ZIERING FIGHTING A MOTHERFUCKING FLYING SHARK WITH A GODDAMN   CHAINSAW!!! Hell yeah Not so much.

 

I mean, it’s kind of a no brainer. Maybe if Roman Polanski had been just a little bit more imaginative – like, let’s say – instead of finding a dead hobo in the dried up LA river bed the cops found a blond in a bikini with HUGE BAZOOMMBAS (clinical term) who’d been bitten in half by a flying shark with one or possibly TWO HEADS.

Or maybe instead of cutting Jack Nicholson’s nose with an itty-bitty knife, Roman Polanski could have CHOPPED IT OFF WITH ACal Seething- July 29- Roman CHAINSAW and as all the blood gushed into the LA River, there would be a close up on a super-intelligent CGI shark in the water smelling the blood and turning its head as if to say “Oooooh, something suddenly smells simply delectable. Is that a hint of Private Detective nose I’m getting? I simply must go investigate” ‘cause you know that’s a real fucking thing sharks do, and then the shark could jump out of the water and BITE ROMAN POLANSKI’S NOSE AND WHOLE FACE OFF, cause that’s what qualifies as “irony” in these movies, as well as DEVOURING the blond in a bikini with the HUGE GAZONGAS (technical term) who inexplicably accompanies Polanski to all of his important nose cutting jobs – which is particularly surprising since she’s over 14.

So, yeah, maybe if Polanksi had just been a little bit more imaginative or tried just a little bit harder he could have made a movie as awesome as Sharknado – but he didn’t – so forget it Roman, L.A’s Sharknado’s town.

Which is appropriate, because Sharknado’s got every bit as much to say about LA as Chinatown. The asshole New Yorker on the freeway who gets eaten alive by a shark on the 405 right after complaining about stupid Californians who freak out when it rains; the substitute teacher from Wyoming who came out to LA to be an actor and was killed by a flying letter from the Hollywood sign; Cal Seething- 072814- ferrisa shark crashing into the cement outside Mann’s Chinese Theatre and leaving it’s own “footprint”; the Ferris Wheel on the Santa Monica pier coming loose and crashing right through the iconic sign on the pier – thereby destroying all future “hey, look, moron, if you didn’t fucking realize it already, we’re in LA” montages during Laker game broadcasts.

I mean, who needs some boring old incredibly brilliant and thought provoking social commentary about water rights in the San Fernando Valley directed by a borderline child molester when you’ve got sharks devouring New Yorkers stuck in traffic on the freeway, which, let’s face it, we’ve all fantasized about a little on the 405 during rush hour (IDEA FOR A SEQUEL: Sharknado vs Carmageddon – Seriously, We Mean It – Stay Off The Roads This Weekend).

Of course, you could argue that none of this shark biting stuff is truly necessary for quality filmmaking and may, in fact, be detrimental to art of cinema. And, of course, you’d be absolutely right. Well done! Nicely argued Mr. Barista with $100,000 in film school debt.

It’s too bad that bitch of an Assistant Manager isn’t impressed by your knowledge of cinema and hipster mustache and insists on riding your ass about coming in late and not restocking the cups. What a Fascist! She’s worse than Hitler and Harvey Weinstein put together. She totally just resents you cause she knows she’s still gonna be stuck working at Starbucks while you’re accepting Cal Seething- July 29- Catyour Best Original Screenplay Oscar for AmericKKKan KKKoffee Shop. Wait til she sees that scene where the mean assistant manager gets tied to the bed by the shy, nerdy film maker who blindfolds her with his black polo and spanks her with a copy of Save the Cat until she screams out “You’re right. Geniuses shouldn’t have to refill the creamer. Hit me again with your scathing insights about the state of contemporary independent film financing.” Ha! The joke’s really going to be on her then! If only your mom would just donate to your Kickstarter already, you could really get this film made.

But the problem with your argument, oh Wise Mr. Barista Man, is that Sharknado is a SyFy Channel movie and SyFy doesn’t care about quality filmmaking or doing things the “right” way. Hell, they don’t even care about spelling “Sci Fi” correctly, do you really think they give a shit “story structure” and “character arc.”

And, you know what – good for them. Who needs quality filmmaking anyhow? What has that gotten us lately? Before Midnight? SPOILER ALERT – growing up sucks- NEXT! Fruitvale Station? SPOILER ALERT – America sucks – NEXT! Elysium – what is that anyhow? Some dystopian allegory about economic inequality and environmental destruction? SPOILER ALERT – HUMANITY SUCKS – stop whining and bring on the flying sharks – and get me my fucking iced latte already! If you’re such a good writer why can’t you spell my name right on the cup? Get it right or I’ll talk to the Assistant Manager again. She just can’t wait to take another shark-sized bite out of your bratty, entitled little worthless millennial ass.

SyFy, you see is carrying on a proud tradition of B-Movie making in this country. And, as the Russ Meyer of Basic Cable Channels – SyFy understands that you can’t spell B Movie without Shark Bites, Bosoms and Buckets of Blood, Baby!

Plus- they understand the 3 basic rules of B-Movie Making:

 

1. More is More

Cal Seething- July 29- ChainsawShark

Look, strictly speaking, Ian Ziering didn’t need to fight off a flying shark with a chainsaw at the end of Sharknado. In fact, most contemporary ichthyologists agree that if a shark does come flying at you out of a tornado with its mouth wide open, the best thing you can do is take one step to the left and let it HIT THE GROUND AND FUCKING DIE. IT’S A FISH. IT’S NOT GONNA MAKE IT ON LAND. I mean, it’s not like the shark is going to crash into the ground and suddenly transform into a Grizzly Bear and maul you – not in Sharknado, anyhow. I mean, sure, maybe if you were starring in Grizzly Shark vs SharKoala Bear – but that’s a whole different movie. It’s a good one, though:

A shy, nerdy scientist (Dustin Diamond) working in a secret lab in Cancun (which looks an awful lot like Oxnard) is manipulated by an evil American politician (Brian Austin Green as “Senator Silver”) into creating a genetic hybrid of Great White Shark and Grizzly Bear to be used to protect Alaska from Russian invasion at the secret request of President Palin.

The Grizzly Shark gets loose, though, right at the height of spring break and starts mauling coeds in bikinis with huge tetongas (Spanish technical term). The only way they can stop it is to bring in the sexy female, brilliant-but-reckless Australian scientist (Kylie Minogue) who has developed an experimental Great White Shark / Koala Bear genetic hybrid for…some reason, along Cal Seething- 072814- paulwith grizzled old Aussie hunter (Paul Hogan in the “Robert Shaw Memorial Grizzled Old Guy Who Dies Pointlessly, Like, Literally Five Minutes Before the Shark is Killed Just to Make Some Fucking Point About Hubris, I Guess“ Role) who has a five minute monologue about how his father was killed by a shark and his mother was mauled by a bear and then gets bitten and mauled like, literally five minutes before Grizzly Shark gets killed to make some fucking point about hubris. I guess.

Clearly you see my point. Killing a shark with a chainsaw is in no way necessary. It’s not even a good idea. What it is, though, is, to quote Adam Richman “Awesome”. And unlike cheese fondue, tequila and reality shows about white trash idiots doing random jobs that you can’t possibly believe anybody actually does (“on a brand new American Crapfest, Dickface and Steve get hired to build a custom toilet for NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt Jr. – but when the job gets backed up and delays start hitting the fan – will they be able to pull another successful job out of their butts or will the whole company go down the drain?”) – awesomeness is one good thing you can never get enough of.

So, let’s go, pile on the awesomeness!! A shark devouring an annoying TV reporter live on camera? AWESOME! Ian Ziering shooting sharks out of the sky with a handgun to protect his son’s helicopter as he flies into a shark infested tornado to drop a bomb into it? AWESOME! An opening sequence on a boat where an Evil Ambiguous Asian buying sharks illegally for shark fin soup from an Evil Ambiguous Latino both get devoured by flying sharks in a hurricane which has ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING whatsofuckingever to do with the rest of the movie?

AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME! MORE MORE MORE!! IT’S ALL FUCKING GOOD!!!!

 

2. Kitsch is King / Karma is a Killer

image

Look, I hate to tell Ian Ziering this but they didn’t cast him for his great acting. They cast him cause they thought it would be funny to have a washed up, beach bum Steve Sanders racing back to Beverly Hills to heroically rescue his blond bimbo trophy wife and estranged kids- and it was! It’s the best use of Ian Ziering in a movie since Steve Sanders played the Pizza Guy in the porno that was shot at Brandon’s house.

The fact that he turned out to be the best actor in the movie is kind of a bonus – it’s like that time I went to see Rick Springfield at a casino in Atlantic City so I could laugh at all the secretaries in leopard skin Spandex and ended up kind of liking the stuff off his new album. I mean, sure, being the best actor in a movie starring Tara Reid is like being the best Quarterback on a Jets team with Mark Sanchez or being the best pass receiver on a Patriots team with Hernandez, Gronkowski, and Welker, but still.

By the way- here’s a little riddle – what do two of the best Patriots pass receivers from last season have in common? They’re both wearing Orange uniforms this year – HA! Oh, and they’re both getting ass raped in the shower #peytonsdirtylittlesecret #helikeshisendstight.

Cal Seething- July 29- Tiffany1It’s important to keep in mind, though, that Kitsch casting is an art- you can’t just put some washed up old star in a movie and ASSUME it’s going to be entertaining. Look at Mega Piranha as an example – sure they cast Tiffany – but they had her playing a dowdy scientist who takes everything all seriously and worries about the fate of mankind. I mean, what were they thinking? Why on earth would they cast Tiffany in what was clearly a Gabrielle Carteris role???

In Mega Python vs Gateroid they got it right.

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Tiffany plays a voluptuous sheriff hell bent on the destruction of Debbie Gibson who has lines like “I think we’re alone now – there doesn’t seem to be anyone around” – BRILLIANT! A masterpiece of kitsch casting rivaled only by the casting of Ian Ziering as Fin Shepard in Sharknado and Anthony Wiener as Eliot Spitzer in Dumb Shit New York Democrats II: The Revenge of Carlos Danger.

According to a Fox News poll, btw – while 60% of Americans disapproved of Wiener’s sexting – 85% disapproved of the fact that he chose a “Goddamn Mexican sex name – and not a good solid American name like John Hardcock or Jimmy Bob Boner.” As Megyn Kelly Tweeted “First Mark Anthony at the All Star Game, now Carlos Danger? What’s America coming to? #obama”

Then, of course, there is SyFy B-Movie Karma. Traditionally, Karma is defined as:

“The force generated by a person’s actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person’s next existence.”

In SyFy movies – Karma is defined as:

“’Are you out of your mind, there’s no possible way that a shark could make it all the way up here to Beverly Hil…AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH, HELP, SHARK!!!!!!!!!’ bite, chomp, blood spatter, dead douchebag.”

This brings up a very important safety tip – if you do find yourself in the midst of a shark infestation – DO NOT DO the following:

  • Swim in murky waters
  • Splash around and draw attention to yourself
  • Say anything disparaging or insulting about sharks or their ability to attack you, no matter how far-fetched it may seem that they could do it. Sharks FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT. Seriously, dude, it’s a shark. Show some goddamn respect and you might just survive this attack. Otherwise, SyFy Movie Karma’s gonna get you before you can say “Sharks? Coming out of the sand in Las Vegas? Don’t be rediculou….AAAAAARRRGGGGGH, HELP, SHARK!!!! Bite, chomp, blood spatter, dead you.

3. Logic is for Losers

OK – pop-quiz time – which of these roles do you think presents the greatest acting challenge?

  1. Hamlet
  2. King Lear
  3. Fin Shepard in Sharknado (Hey – his name is Fin – I just got that – HA! This movie just gets better and better!)

If you answered A or B you’re dead wrong. Any Freshman theatre major with a pair of tights can rock out a halfway decent “Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I” or stand out in the rain bellowing “Seriously, dude, I can’t believe my daughter’s such a royal BEYOTCH!!!!!!” or whatever the fuck King Lear says anyhow #laziesttheatrestudentever. But it takes a true thespian of Zieringesque proportions to deliver a line like “a tornado can pick up marine life and drop it hundreds of miles from the coast line” like that’s a real fucking thing that we should seriously be concerned about. Cause, at the risk of being karmicaly (and comically) being devoured by a flying shark – it’s not.

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I mean, sure, I suppose a tornado could pick up a buncha sharks and drop them on land but they wouldn’t exactly come flying out of the sky with mouths agape ready to devour and destroy everyone in their path who dares defy them. No. They’d be dead. There would be a giant rain of dead sharks and the only movie you could make about it would be an extremely tedious documentary about how Global Warming created a freak storm which obliterated thousands of animals from an endangered species. And while I’m sure that An Inconvenient Tooth would be an important film, it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun as Sharknado.

SyFy B-Movies, you see, are like the lies you tell your parents as a teenager. They’re not about what’s “real” but about “what you can get away with making someone believe” as determined by the following simple equation:  T = D x WTB – or Truth = Delivery x Willingness to Believe.

I mean, look, your parents want to believe that you were hard at work at your unbelievably shitty book store job all day – not that you played hooky to drop acid and go to an amusement park. So when they confront you and say “Hey, your job called today and asked where you were” – they want you to lie to them – as long as you can deliver the lie with a straight face. If you can say “Oh yeah, I got there early so I started counting books and I totally got locked in the storeroom and nobody found me there for hours” with a straight face even though your mom’s face is melting and you’re seeing trails every time your dad moves his hands – then do it, go for it – they totally want to believe it – so it’ll end up being the Truth.

Same with Sharknado – we want to believe that there might just be some tiny little thread of logic in this movie so that we’re not total idiots for wasting our time watching it, so just give us some kind of totally half-assed absurdly implausible scientific crap and say it with a straight face and we’ll fall for it like a couple of parents who are convinced that the little baggie full of green stuff in their son’s room is really just basil for the pesto he was gonna make for a surprise Mother’s Day dinner. Surprise! Sure, it’s unusually pro-active of him to have bought it in November – but, you know, he sounded so sincere when he said what it was that he couldn’t possibly have been lying. I mean, he’s good – but he’s no Ian Ziering.

Of course, when it comes to telling outrageous lies that people want to hear, nobody beats an Israeli contractor. Like, for instance when they say “This job take one to two weeks maximum” when the truth is “You stupid bastards are still going to be showering with a hose in the backyard six fucking months from now cause it takes us one day to painstakingly put up one fucking piece of tile and then we’ve got to take it down the next day and do it again cause we’re morons.”

Or when they say “I’ll come back tomorrow to finish.” when the truth is “I have absolutely no idea when I’m coming back here but I do know for goddamn sure that it ain’t gonna be tomorrow”. Or the biggest Israeli lie of all “Don’t worry. This renovation is not problem” when the truth is “WORRY. WORRY NOW. WORRY A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. THIS IS THE WORST IDEA YOU’VE EVER HAD!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T RENOVATE!!!!! THIS IS A BIG PROBLEM!!! THIS IS VERRRRY BIG PROBLEM!!!!!RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!“

Now I know how Bill Clinton felt when Rabin told him “Two state solution? Don’t worry. That is not problem. We finish in one, twoCal Seething- 072814- rabin weeks maximum. I come back to Camp David to finish negotiations tomorrow.”

So – hey, how about that? I ended up writing about my bathroom renovation anyhow. And the best part is, now I’ve got images of sharks devouring my Israeli contractors. Wait, wait, hold on a second, let me enjoy this. Aaaaaahhhh, that’s the stuff. This gives me a great new idea for a sequel – Sharknado 2: Shark Attack is Not Problem in which Ian Ziering and Tara Reid get back together and rebuild their house which was destroyed in the first movie – only their incompetent Israeli contractors accidentally link up their sewer to a secret underground shark tank overseen by a dowdy scientist who takes everything all seriously and is worried about the future of mankind (Gabrielle Carteris – duh), and thousands of sharks start gushing out of their toilet devouring every Israeli in their path (oooh, that’s like heroin).

I mean, sure, I know it’s far fetched – let’s face it, there’s no possible way that a shark could EVER come out of a toilet, it’s just redic….. AAAAAARRRGGGGGH, HELP, SHARK!!!! Bite, chomp, blood spatter. End of blogumn. Good bye

Cal Seething- July 29- SharkToilet