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[California Seething] NFL Season Halftime Show

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LA ChargersRecently the San Diego Chargers (San Di-e-go…SUPER CHARGERS! Sorry. It’s very catchy) officially announced their intention to move to Los Angeles – just like the Rams and the Raiders. Oh goody- just what we needed! Three more middle aged losers running off to LA to get away from a loveless marriage with a city that won’t put out money for a new stadium anymore. Seriously- who do they think we are? The big breasted dental hygienist of major American cities? And, of course, they’re just setting themselves up for disappointment – expecting to move to a super-hip Downtown loft and winding up next to a Home Depot in Carson.

I mean, sure, it’s great to know that even in this era of skyrocketing rents and plummeting reservoirs, Los Angeles is still a place that the mediocre and talentless flock to so they can  pursue their asinine dreams- but that doesn’t mean I want to watch them play football- hell- it’s bad enough I have to watch them do theatre!! When I watch football- I want to see Broadway, Ahmanson or at the very least Geffen level competition. I don’t want to watch the Raiders and Chargers (San Di-e-go SUPER CHARGERS! Crap! Sorry) flounder around like an Uber driver and a barista doing True West at the Complex in front of the eight friends who couldn’t think of a plausible lie when they were invited to the Facebook event. 99 seat theatre may have a place in my heart- but it has no place on my TV on Sundays, and if all these teams move to LA- that’s all I’m going to get to see.

Of course, we already do have to watch these teams way more then we should, since they’ve all been based in LA before. So really, they’re not running away to follow their dreams, they’re coming home like college graduates who can’t make it in the real world and so they have to move back in with their parents. And the worst part is, they’re going to have to move into the basement in Carson because their old stadium was turned into a guest room for USC.

I mean, I guess it might not be so bad- maybe one of these new LA teams will turn out to be really good and they’ll serve as a rallying point for the whole LA region- bringing our sprawling and fractured metropolitan area together as a community and giving us inspiration to face the challenging years ahead. Or-  even better- these teams will suck, their games will be blacked out locally and we’ll never have to watch any of those fucking losers again…until they leave town again and we’re stuck with them again on TV. But hopefully they’ll move to London, and their games will be on at 6:30 AM, so we can just sleep through them.

But of course, that assumes that Roger Goodell wants to bring the NFL to London- and, I’m not really sure that he does- cause he’s sending mixed signals. I just wish that if he didn’t want to bring the NFL to London, he would come out and say so instead of being all passive aggressive about it. I mean, on the one hand, every year he schedules more games over there- but, then just look at the teams he sends over. Chiefs and the Lions???? Don’t the people of AndyEngland deserve better than seeing Detroit’s worst export since the LeBaron taking on The Mustached Tomato Andy Reid and his Kansas City Crappers?? That’s not a commercial for American football- it’s a cautionary tale. It’s like sending Trump to debate Carson in Iraq in order to promote democracy. Which, of course, would never happen cause it’s way hotter than 67 degrees over there- and those ISIS guys are almost as tough as Megyn Kelly. Speaking of mixed signals- gotta love NBC- first they make a big deal about cutting ties with Donald Trump and then they have him on the Tonight Show with America’s Favorite Klutzy Bootlicker, Jimmy Fallon – who’s literally falling all over himself to wedge his nose into whatever repugnant butt Lorne Micheaels sticks in front of him (no wonder he drinks) and guest hosting Saturday Night Live- oh but, hey look, protestors – he’s onstage with a black guy, so it must be OK! Disgusting! I’m officially boycotting Saturday Night Live, starting retroactively in 1991.

The only thing I can figure is that Goodell is taking the same approach to scheduling games in London that most dudes take to folding the laundry – you know- the old “if I do a really crappy job, maybe she’ll stop asking”. Which is brilliant- because that way if he’s ever called out on it, he can just be like  “What? You asked to give you games in London- I gave you games in London. I guess if you don’t want them any more, I can just stop…but only if that’s what you really want, England. I just want you to be happy.” And so, sure, that means Roger Goodell is just as shitty a husband as he is a commissioner- but, hey, I don’t see him doing dishes!

Sadly, my beloved Jets were one of the teams sent to England this year to reinvigorate interest in cricket. And while leveon-bell-week8kneeit does make me want to tweet a LeVon Bell sad-bumblebee-emjoi when I think of the Jets in the same category as the Lions and Cheifs, it’s still been a pretty good season for Jets fans. It’s not just cause Geno “Facepunch” Smith got hurt and we learned just how much better life can be without him- like when the office manager goes out on maternity leave and suddenly there’s Starbucks in the break room and the copier’s fixed. No – the real reason why this has been such a great season for Jets fans doesn’t really have anything to do with the Jets at all- it’s all thanks to the Colts.

You see, Last season in the AFC Championship, the Patriots beat the Colts by deflating the ball. This season, the Patriots beat the Colts by deflating Chuck Pagano’s brain- and I, for one, couldn’t be happier!

Don’t get me wrong- I’m not thrilled the Patriots are now Seven-and-Ugh and I don’t bear any ill will towards Chuck Pagano- though, like most Americans, I cared about him more when he was sick (he’s the Lamar to our Khloe). But I indianapolis-colts-fake-punwas absolutely tickled pink (in honor of breast cancer awareness month) when Pagano ran his terrible fake punt because from now on, whenever commentators talk about the worst play ever in NFL history- they won’t be talking about the Butt Fumble! Woo-Hoo! We’re not the worst anymore!! Not The Worst! Not The Worst! This is the greatest feeling ever!!! If I was a German sausage- I would be notwurst!!!! This must be what Lincoln Chafee felt like when Jim Webb dropped out; what the Ewoks felt like after Jar Jar Binks; Robert McNamara after the Iraq War; W after hearing JEB! Speak; Warrant after Nickleback; John Madden when he watches John Gruden; and what Chicago Cubs fans certainly must have felt like on Oct 21, 2015, just as Marty McFly was coming back from the future.

I shouldn’t pick on the Colts, though- they’ve had a rough season. They had to start the re-animated corpse of Matt Hasselbeck when Andrew Luck suddenly contracted Cancer of the Neck Cal Seething- 110915- luckBeard- which marks the first time in NFL history that a quarterback who looks like a Civil War soldier was replaced by a player who actually lived through it. And they aren’t the only team that’s had to start a backup QB- the poor Steelers lost their starter and their back up and had to resort to starting a QB who isn’t a felon. Denver has had to start the Over the Hill Erratic Peyton Manning Who Has Cable over the Real Peyton Manning who has DirecTV. And, of course, in Dallas, Tony Romo is looking like the MVP in absentia thanks to the comedy stylings of Weeden and Cassel. How bad is Brandon Weeden you ask? He actually got benched IN FAVOR of Matt Cassel. For those of you that don’t follow football, that’s like picking Ben Carson because Trump is too crazy…..or picking Donald Trump because Carson’s too crazy. Works either way! Of course, now Dr. BenCal Seething- 110915- ben is practically conscious with rage over the fact that “secular progressives” keep using “facts” and “evidence” to disprove all of the crazy shit he says. The problem here is that, being a brain surgeon, Carson just isn’t used to having any one contradicting him. I don’t know about you but if I’m in the hospital talking to some dude who’s about to cut open my head and mess with my brain, I’m pretty much gonna agree with EVERYTHING he says. Ancient Israelites built pyramids for grain storage? Sure! You turned down a scholarship at West Point? Wise choice!! You stabbed a whole bunch of other kids when you were younger? Alrighty then! I mean, it’s a little bit weird that you feel the urge to share that little anecdote with me right before cutting my head open but, okey dokey! Whatever you say Mr. Brain Surgery Man.

I mean, when did we reach the point in this country where a candidate lies about attempted murder in order to be MORE electable? It must have been right around the same time that we started interpreting a red cup at Starbucks as a secular attack on religion. I know I’m offended by them! Why every time I go to Starbucks I insist on giving my Cal Seething- 110915- redname as Happy Hanukkah. Ha! Take THAT Mr. Progressive Secular Barista Man! Why don’t you let Judah Maccabee motivate you when you’re doing True West tonight??

No wonder Ben Carson is so religious, BTW, he understands what a miracle it is that a doctor can learn so much about the human brain while not actually having one himself.

Now, I don’t know how religious Brandon Weeden is- but I do know that if I were an NFL QB and my coach sat me down after a game and said “Son, I really appreciate all the effort you put in our there- but I’m gonna go with Matt Cassel”- I would take that shit as a SIGN. Move to a condo, sell the Bentley, update my LinkedIn profile and finish that degree at ITT Tech- because the End is motherfucking near- and I’d damn well be ready. Unless, of course, I was Matt Hasselbeck- in which case I would just graciously retreat to my coffin in the basement of the ESPN building (Bristolvania) and wait for the next sucker to pick my dead ass up.

Alright, well, those are some of the big stories in the NFL this season as we pass the midway point. Though, wait, there’s one I’m forgetting- oh what is it? Is it how all of us who watch football are giving tacit endorsement to a sport which nurtures rage and brutality in young men, is rife with domestic violence and leaves former players physically broken, unable to function and suicidally depressed? No, no that can’t be it. I mean, why on earth would we want to talk about THAT? Oh- wait- I’ve got it- Women. The NFL loves em!! Sure there used to be all those domestic violence issues I just mentioned, but the NFL ran a PSA with Eli Manning and now there’s no violence against women at all. Problem solved (Greg who?)! Is there nothing that Eli Manning can’t do- except get a tan in his brother’s shadow? Anyhow, it’s clear that the NFL values women- just look at all the pink uniforms they made the players wear during Brand Awareness Breast Cancer Awareness month. Why for every pink uniform they sell, the NFL donates 10 seconds of lip service to giving a crap about breast cancer. Wow! Who needs Planned Parenthood’s boring old cancer screenings- I feel closer to a cure already! And, the NFL Cal Seething- 110915- goldiemay not have any female coaches or executives but Roger Goodell did just give Wildcats a 5 star rating on Netflix- so that’s progress, right! I mean, every time Goldie runs around the track, that glass ceiling cracks a little.

Alright- that’s it for the first half of the season- but we’ve still got eight more weeks of watching Fan Duel and Draft Kings commercials briefly interrupted by penalties to go! Not to mention the Playoffs- and that’s when the commercials get really interesting. And, of course, it all culminates with Superbowl 50- or Uberbowl 5.0 as it’s known this year since it’s taking place in epicenter of tech douchebaggery. And of course – we’ve got great Monday night match-ups like the Bears vs the Chargers (San Di-e-go SUPER Chargers! Crap! Sorry. This is worse than having an Alanis Morisette song stuck in your head- and that, BTW, is NOT ironic #90’shackcomic.) Huh. That’s a terrible matchup. Jeez, Goodell- if you don’t want to have Monday night games any more- just say so!

[California Seething] FIFA is Terrible And So Is Everything Else

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Ahhh, the Swiss. Early in the morning of Wed, May 27, Swiss police descended very politely upon the 171 year old Baur du Lac hotel in pristine downtown Zurich to arrest a number of high ranking FIFA executives on corruption charges. As bundles of newspapers were dropped on the front steps, and the hotel’s marble floors were being buffed and polished, nattily dressed detectives walked through the hotel’s revolving doors, quietly approached the front desk, presented documents and asked for the room numbers of select guests. A concierge quickly called up to one of the rooms and said: “Sir, I’m just calling to say that we’re going to need you to come to your door and open it for us or we’re going to have to kick it in.” Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me withCal Seething- 060315- ray this shit? In my mind a police raid should be wild, chaotic, dramatic affair- a fantasia of Scorcese cliches, if you will. Fed burst in, guns drawn, doors smashed, barefoot Ray Liotta with shirt half tucked in thrown to the ground by agents in FBI logo windbreakers, a grim faced Leonardo DiCaprio restraining a big haired, coked out, blue eye shadow wearing Lorraine Bracco as she screams and claws the air, Gimme Shelter blaring on the sound track- now that’s a fucking raid! But oh no- not in Switzerland. Nooooo, they don’t want Scorcese directing their raids- they prefer a Wes Anderson approach to mass arrests. You know, police quietly approach perfectly constructed 3’ scale model of the Baur du Lac (only for some reason, this one has a funicular), all of them dressed in suits except Officer In Charge Edward Norton who is wearing a dress Alpine scouting uniform including a small green hat, which seems to remain on his head despite all the laws of physics with a yellow feather protruding at a suitably jaunty angle. He approaches Owen Wilson at the front desk, and shows his papers (a calligraphied scroll with a large gold seal). Owen calmly calls up to F. Murray Abraham’s hotel room and explains the predicament and, a few minutes later, F. Murray Abraham appears in the lobby, resplendent in tight black turtleneck, immaculately tailored, but slightly worn, muted plaid jacket, herringbone grey slacks and bright white loafers with a small gold tassle. He is surrounded by agents and led out the door by Edward Norton in slow motion,accompanied by an obscure Kinks song performed in Portuguese (natch!), as Mysterious Hotel Guest Bill Murray, wearing a rumpled grey suit and trench coat looks on intently, a single tear running down his cheek for reasons that will never be explained. And they leave the hotel with such great discretion that not even the orphan girl deliveringCal Seething- 060315- mendls pastries from Mendl’s is aware that something is out of sorts. Oh, you Swiss. Well, what can you expect from a country who’s most sophisticated weapons system has a removable toothpick.

And, of course, we, as Americans get to read about these doofy Swiss and their wacky distaste for police brutality, as well as the staggering level of corruption at FIFA and snicker with detached amusement. Hell, that’s the whole point of world news- to make us feel better about being Americans by making the rest of the world look worse (which is also how the Swiss feel when they read about Baltimore, Rick Perry and the Kardashians. Congrats BTW to Caitlin Jenner on her fabulous Vanity Fair cover. Not only is she the hottest of all the Kardashian women, she’s also had the least work done. I know a lot of people are having a hard time getting used to this- but, seriously everybody- it’s not that hard. Instead of saying “oh, that Bruce Jenner- he’s such a cheesy, fame-grubbing, reality show whore” you say “oh that Caitlyn Jenner, SHE’S such a cheesy, fame-grubbing, reality show whore” – you see- it’s who you are on the INSIDE that counts.) I mean- sure, the NFL is so absurdly hypocritical that they spent millions on a campaign addressing violence against women the same Cal-Seething--060315--jameiyear they selected a known rapist as the number one pick in the draft, so they’ve had to change the name of the campaign from  “No More” to “Oh, Maybe Just This Once” but they can’t approach the level of corruption of FIFA. Hell, if the NFL were as corrupt as FIFA, they would mysteriously choose Branson to host the next Superbowl over Phoenix and Miami (after Roger Goodell received a series of mysterious enormous bank deposits from a mister “Y. Smirnoff”),  in the dead of winter in the Ozarks in a brand new 250,000 person outdoor stadium built at a cost of 45 billion dollars and 5,000 Guatamalan lives (as an eerie silence descends over the parking lot at Branson’s only Home Depot), which will never be used again – probably a good thing because the bathrooms aren’t hooked up.

So yeah, sure- I’ve been following this story closely- can you blame me? Feeling good about America in comparison to other countries is my FAVORITE, hell that’s the only reason I watch the Olympics, but and lately America’s been making it just SO…FUCKING….HARD. We’ve got anti-vaxxers on Cal Seething- 060315- joshthe left, climate change deniers on the right and the TLC Network like a 24 hour infomercial for the decline of the American empire. Come on, TLC executives, don’t deny it. You’ve just had two of your biggest hits taken off the air cause of child molestation. 19 Kids and Counting and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo- TWO! Most people in your position would be like “huh. This isn’t good. Maybe I should seriously evaluate my programming choices”. But not TLC! You guys are probably thinking “Hello- SPIN OFF!! Josh Duggar and Mama June’s molester ex-boyfriend move to the big city- and they have to share an apartment in the only building that will take two sex offenders. It’s The Odd Couple meets Megan’s Law! We can call it 19 Allegations and Counting– logline: ‘Show me on the doll where TLC touched you’- BRILLIANT!” Alright, maybe they wouldn’t go that far- but they sure as hell didn’t wasteCal Seething- 060315- bates any time finding a shiny new family of fertility obsessed religious fanatics to replace the Duggars just as soon as Joshie’s indiscretions couldn’t be covered up anymore. Seriously what the fuck? The Duggar and Bates families are dangerous religious extremists with a terrifying ideology- and yet, somehow, we’re just supposed to overlook their hate-mongering, misogynist, repressive views because of the cutesy antics of their disturbingly numerous kids???? Only Christians could get away with this. This would never fly if the shows were on Al Jazeera and they were called “Daddy’s Lil Jihad” or “Blowing Up Bates” (firing rockets of love into living room every Thursday at 8). And that’s cause this is America- and we like our extremists the way we like our half-Chinese, half-Hawaiian female lead characters in Cameron Crowe movies: WHITE. Look, I feel a little bad for Emma Stone- she’s a talented actress and seems like a totally lovely person but she really should have known better. This is 2015 people- if you’re a white actor and someone wants to cast you as an Asian character – JUST SAY NO. Seriously, Emma- if you want to be ethnic so damn Cal Seething- 060315- rachelbadly, just work for the NAACP and be done with it. You’ll certainly get lots of media attention! The Rachel Dolezal story is so big that Caitlyn Jenner has changed her name to “Shaniqua”.

Of course, I’m acting like this FIFA thing is just some crazy story about wacky foreigners that has nothing to do with the U.S. of A- but that’s not really true is it? Cause the U.S. is actually responsible for the investigation that busted these crooks- and they’re gonna be extradited back here and tried on American soil. That’s right- we may not host the World Cup- but this is the next best thing. Hell, it’s better, cause this we might actually win! You see, there have been rumors swirling for decades that FIFA officials are corrupt- accepting bribes from countries to host the World Cup, taking kickbacks from sports marketing companies for preferential treatment, misappropriating funds- all that nasty stuff. And most countries have chosen to deal with these allegations by looking FIFA officials straight in the eye and asking them three tough questions:

  1. Hey- are you one of those FIFA officials that take bribes? If so- let’s talk!
  2. Come on, dude, you can tell me, I’m cool. You’re one of those officials that takes bribes right? Right? Right?
  3. Ok ok ok, fine. I get it. You’re NOT one of those officials that take bribes wink wink. So…OK….let’s just say hypothetically I had a gigantic 600-00954719briefcase full of money, right- just hypothetically. And let’s say I left this hypothetical brief case full of money on the table- you know- right here- and then, oh, I don’t know, let’s say I walked out of the room for, oh, let’s say…three and a half minutes while you were still in here. And- you know, when I came back, this hypothetical brief case was just, like, gone. You know, POOF magically disappeared into thin air. So…yeah…my question is…you know, hypothetically, how much money would I have to put in this brief case so that I could HOST THE MOTHERFUCKING NEXT WORLD CUP???? You know- just hypothetically. Wink wink.

But not the U.S.- no siree Bob. In the grand, American Interventionalist, who-asked-you-guys tradition of George Cal Seething - 060315- shatnerBush, James T. Kirk, John Wayne, and George Bush, the U.S. decided to clean up FIFA. Because if there’s one thing we can’t stand in this country it’s INJUSTICE (elsewhere). So we investigated our little brains out until we had enough info to charge in and drag 7 of the top FIFA scumbags out of their comfortable five star Swiss hotel beds and into, slightly less comfortable, five star Swiss jail beds (the Aryan Brotherhood leaves a mint on your pillow. A Junior Mint, which is ironic, cause it’s half black- but I don’t recommend you tell them that.). And, it’s not even like the U.S. had to make up some reason for going in, like, oh let’s say, lying about the fact that these guys had a secret stash of yellowcake Uranium (a Weapon of Mass Deliciousness). No- these FIFA idiots actually conducted their dirty business on U.S. soil- and funneled their money through U.S. banks. Seriously- how stupid do you have to be?? I mean, I know these guys are aware of a little country called… SWITZERLAND- did they not know there are banks there??? What- did they think all the billionaires just come for the cheese and chocolate? Cause they needed to replace the tiny tweezers on their knives???? Maybe a shiny new cukoo clock for their underwater lair so they have a kitschier way to count down the seconds until they launch their Doomsday Device and end the world (appropriately signaled by a hearty “koo-koo!”)???? No- they come for the banks. Because the Swiss still value “Privacy” and “Anonymity” – concepts which in the U.S. take a backseat to “Homeland Security”, “Counter-terrorism” and “Adding bacon to foods that previously did not have bacon incorporated into them, with mixed results”. And, actually- Privacy and Anonymity don’t even get the back seat- they’re shoved in the trunk, bound and gagged, and dragged to a CIA black site in Buttfuckistan and as a result the U.S. Government knows everything these FIFA scumbags were doing here and so do the Chinese.

A word, if I may, about James T. Kirk. How did this guy break the Prime Directive (“No interference with the social  Cal Seething- 060315- kirkdevelopment of the planet. No references to space or the fact that there are other worlds or civilizations”) every single goddman week for three fucking years and never get in trouble for it? Seriously- dude- is it the Prime Directive or the Prime Suggestion?? Other Starfleet officers must have hated that guy- they must have been like: “Oh, sure, I end up on a planet full of freaky ass mountain people wearing fake fur who worship the U.S. Constitution for some baffling reason even though they don’t understand what it means and can’t even pronounce all the words right, and I’ve gotta be all like ‘Cool. OK. E Plemnista. Sure that’s what it says. Whatever you say freaky Mountain Man.’ But not old Jim – he’s all like ‘Oh, you silly little Mountain folk- it’s not E Plemnista it’s WE THE PEOPLE – and this is what the rest of it says, and this is what it means, and this is why every single thing that you hold dear as a civilization is wrong. Cool? Right- gotta go back to space- later gator!’ It’s ridiculous! ‘He’s all like blah blah blah I’m James Kirk I’m gonna undermine the entire basis of your civilization and then drop the communicator and beam away and totally get away with it blah blah blah’ What a dick.”

And yeah- I know I’m talking about a 50 year old TV show- shut the hell up before I start dropping truth bombs on Twilight Zone. Seriously- there’s an alien race from a distant planet that flies all the way across the galaxy Cal Seething- 060315- aliento the planet Earth- to do what now? Turn off the power in a few suburban neighborhoods and watch us turn into assholes??? Is that, like funny to them? I’m seriously asking here- is space really as boring as that? Cause maybe if those dicks spent a little less time developing intergalactic hyper-drive and a little more time developing Netflix they could just binge watch the new season of Orange is the New Black and leave us the FUCK ALONE.

So, sure, we rounded up some of the top crooks at FIFA, but the King Rat himself, FIFA president Sepp (short for “Septic”) Blatter (short for “Bladder”) is still at large. How do we know Sepp is a rat? Well, I could go on and on about his sexism, racism, homophobia, and countless allegations of bribery, corruption, kickbacks, nepotism, abuse of his power, shady electioneering, vindictive behavior and general assholery- but, suffice it to say, that the only Cal Seething- 060315- vladprominent world leader who spoke out on his behalf after the arrests was Vladimir Putin and, by some totally strange and random coincidence, the next World Cup is in….you guessed it- Russia! Which- if I were Sepp, I’d be kind of “thanks, but no thanks” about- cause- let’s face it- even under the best of circumstances, a character reference from Vlad is like a babysitting referral from Josh Duggar- but with the World Cup being in Russia- well, it’s hard not to be just a teensy wit cynical about Vlad’s agenda. Look, Vald- I get it- you paid good money for the World Cup and you want to keep it- but honestly dude, you’re not helping here.

Of course, Vlad may have a point by suggesting that the U.S. was trying to influence the FIFA Presidential Election. Let’s keep it real- it can’t be a coincidence that this scandal broke a few days before the election, and the U.S. was supporting Blatter’s opponent Price Ali of Jordan, who had campaigned long and hard to be the very first ever character from Aladdin to be president of FIFA (“It’s a Whole New World for FIFA with Prince Ali”) . The FIFA election, BTW, is a mysterious process- similar in many ways to the election for Pope. Delegates gather from all over the world in a single location and cast their vote in a series of secret ballots. Then, if Sepp Blatter wins, the world finds out by seeing the U.S.’ chances of ever hosting the World Cup again go up in smoke.

Or….maybe not- cause after winning the election decisively and pledging to clean up FIFA, ole Sepptic Bladder resigned as President…so- hey- maybe he was serious about cleaning up, FIFA after all! And, even though he’s not actually leaving office for a few months he is COMMITTED to WORKING HARD to reform FIFA- and to prove the point- he posted THIS Instagram photo of himself WITH A PEN.

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Wow! Look at him go! I know I’m inspired- Here’s me working hard on getting in shape for summer:

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And here’s me working hard on finally cleaning out the shed in the backyard

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And here’s Punky working hard on not freaking out like a tiny adorable furry idiot every time someone goes by the house on a bike. Or a skateboard. Or a scooter. Or on foot. Or AT ALL. OH MY GOD – WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING??? CHILL THE FUCK OUT! HOW CAN SOMETHING AS ADORABLE AS YOU BE SO TERRIBLE?? Oh don’t look at me like that. You’re so adorable. You’re so cutey-wootey-wootey-wootey. You don’t have to work hard at changing anything at all. Which is good. CAUSE YOU’RE NOT. But here’s what it would look like if you were.

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So – what does the future hold for FIFA? Who knows? And- more to the point- who cares? The fun part of the story is done- time to move on to the next big thing and forget all about it- we’ve got escaped convicts to worry about! I mean, come on- did Malaysian Air improve its radar guidance systems? Are we in Arab Summer now or is it Arab Fall? Is Ebola still, like, a thing? We don’t know cause we don’t care. Hell, we don’t want news, we want NEWS. If we really heard about what was wrong with the world, we’d never stop crying and stockpiling some canned goods- so BRING ON THE RUNAWAY CONVICTS!

Even ESPN- which covered the entire FIFA Presidential Election live while pumping Bob Ley full of all the black coffee Cal Seething- 060315- bobthey could find to keep him from seeing pink elephants and drunk texting pictures of his balls to his ex wife (“nothing deflated here, you ungrateful whore :) :) :)”) has downgraded the FIFA story to a mere item on the crawl at the bottom of the screen- right between Stanley Cup scores and Tiger Woods’ latest round of futility. It’s been a bit sad, by the way, to watch Tiger Woods struggle so mightily at the game that once came easily to him, but then it’s also kind of inspiring and uplifting to all of us who aren’t all that great at anything and fucking hate people who are. Ha! Fuck him.

Still, for the billions of people around the world that live and die by the beautiful game – I do hope that FIFA can cure it’s nasty case of Seppsis and find a way to move forward without corruption. And for the thousands of World Cup players – I do hope that they move the 2022 World Cup the fuck out of Qatar cause otherwise you’re all gonna die like a bunch of Thai workers. Oh- and – all of you bloated, corrupt fat-cats at the IOC – you’re next bitchez! Sleep with one eye open in your comfy Swiss hotels- cause Edward Norton is, very politely, coming for you.

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Right- that’s enough blogging for today- time to get to work!

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Special Thanks to Geoff Rice- I stole the idea for the Wes Anderson police raid from him. I know, I know. I’m like the Sepp Blatter of unpaid bloggers.

[California Seething] Madness Revisited

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As far as I’m concerned, there are three types of people in the world:

  1. People who get sort of excited about March Madness and kind of miss it when it’s done.
  2. People who REALLY get excited about March Madness and look forward to it with the eager anticipation of Cal Seething- 040815- heartparents awaiting their first child only without the accompanying dread of terrible baby shower games (can we go back to not inviting dudes to these? I’m cool with that little bit of inequality if it means I never have to worry about tasting fucking baby food.) People like me who, when March Madness is over, feel as though a couple of nattily dressed brainlessly burbling SportsCenter anchors reached into their chest and ripped out their still beating hearts Temple-of-Doom style as they endlessly jabbered on about Tiger Woods’ chances at the Masters this year and the Opening Day of the fucking interminable death march that is the Baseball season. I swear, it’s like the Trail of Tears with Vin Scully filling in for Andrew Jackson and nachos for smallpox infested blankets.
  3. Weird, freaky, pasty faced people with hateful little beady eyes who don’t enjoy March Madness at all but instead prefer clubbing baby seals, leaving passive-aggressive notes on their neighbors’ cars, and watching fucking baseball.

So- clearly you’re waaaaaaay to cool to be one of the THIRD type of people- right? Of course you are. And that’s why I’m pretty sure that you miss March Madness at least a little bit and yearn for those magical days of endlessly chasing the buzzer beater dragon – just hours and hours of “What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Don’tshootdon’tshootdon’tshootdon’tshootdon’tshooot no no no no no no…..YES!!! yesyesyesyesyesyes IT’S OVER!!!!! IT’S OVER!!!!! Good game good game good game good game game. ” Come on- you know you miss it- and that’s why I’ve decided to relive the glory of the past month through the email updates that I, as the humble commissioner of my company’s TOTALLY for entertainment purposes only March Madness pool sent the participants in the pool. Join me as we relive the almost infinitesimal number of highs and all the many, many, oh so very many lows, as I take you from anticipation to devastation to the inevitable conclusion- with as much of the really boring crap cut out as I could manage (so, yeah, just imagine how much worse this would be if I left that stuff in!) Also- names have been changed to protect the innocent, profanity has been ramped up cause FUCK THE INNOCENT and I punched up a bunch of jokes cause I can’t stop myself.

Plus- as a bonus- you get all sorts of random and totally outdated jokes about current events- it’s as much fun as going through the old newspapers in your mom’s house when you’re putting together her audition video for Hoarders! Not that I have any idea what that’s like.

March 4, 2015

Subject: It’s March- And You Know What That MeansCal Seething- 040815- march

….at least- I’m hoping you know what that means, because if you’re getting this email it means that you participated in last year’s CTG March Madness pool, which means (unless you were only participating out of a sense of obligation or because somebody smacked you on the back of your head and took your money) that you’re as excited to get this email as I am to send it!! Or, OK, maybe not as excited because I’m bouncing up and down with glee- but, you know, pretty damn close.

Yeah, all the rest of this is just boring functional crap- you just need to know that the winner gets 75% of the pool and buys bagels for everyone, second place gets 25%, loser gets their $5 back and the Most Creative Bracket name wins some random prize. I say all of this like 10,000 more times and people are still like “now, what do I get if I win again?” People are dumb. Not any of you reading this of course- but, you know, OTHER people.

Let the madness begin!!!!

March 13, 2015

Subject: Selection Sunday is This Sunday- Can We Please Start Freaking Out Already?Cal Seething- 040815- obama

OK, so last week when I sent out the first March Madness message a whole WEEK AND A HALF before Selection Sunday, I was told by some people who shall remain nameless but are dicks that I was being overenthusiastic and premature (something which I was often accused of as a teenager- if you know what I mean. Yeah- you got it. Raising my hand in English class. Sigh #lonelynerd.)

But, can you really blame me? I mean, clearly March Madness is the most important thing happening in the world right now- hell, it’s so important that the President himself takes time away from testing the patience of Westside liberals by fucking up traffic on the way to do Kimmel (seriously?? Kimmel??? They’re closing streets so you can do Kimmel??? What’s next- declaring a national state of emergency so you can be a guest judge on Masterchef Jr???) to participate- although, 47 Senators did send a letter to the NCAA to ignore Obama’s bracket. Hey Senators- when you make the foreign minister of IRAN look like the adult in the room- it may be time to admit you’ve gone too far. It’s like the kid who eats paste telling the kid who eats his own shit to grow up and behave already. (OUTDATED CURRENT EVENT REFERENCE ALERT) Anyhow, you see my point- I mean what am I supposed to focus on if not March Madness- the 99 Seat Theatre fracas? That’s like a Civil War in the world’s smallest, poorest and least relevant country with Facebook playing the role of Gettysburg and Charlayne Woodard as General Lee. (If you think you’d like to learn more about the 99 Seat Plan controversy you totally don’t.)Cal Seething- 040815- 99

Well, anyhow- I held off on sending any further communication- but now- now- Selection Sunday is two days away, Conference Tournaments are in full swing and it is officially, incontrovertably and indubidably time to start FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   etc.

OK- so- if you are getting this message and you played last year, or have already registered for the group- then all you have to do is:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, boring stuff about how to participate- blah blah blah.

I’ll send another annoying reminder on Monday! If you don’t want to play – just let me know and I’ll bug you no more, though I will think significantly less of you.

March 24, 2015- Rounds of 64 & 32

Subject: My Bracket’s Not Busted and I’m Sort of Freaking Out About It

When I awoke on Saturday morning from uneasy dreams and ran to check my bracket I discovered something very troubling had transpired the night before and somehow, inexplicably, I was very close to the lead. You can see why I was disturbed by this. I mean, normally, when I wake up all excited on the first Saturday of the tournament and check my bracket, I find a terrifying bloody wreck and my excitement quickly turns to horrified dismay, like a kid waking up on Christmas morning and finding the mangled corpse of a goat under the tree- and if that hasn’t been used as the opening of a Criminal Minds episode yet- then WHY THE HELL NOT? They can use a line from Had Cal Seething- 040815- goatGadya for the opening quote. Eh- Had Gadya? Obscure Passover reference? Fellow Jews? Anyone??? Is this foreskin on????

Anyhow- my point here is that I’m used to looking at my bracket and seeing a ruined mess, so it was jarring to see it all neat and tidy. I haven’t been this freaked out since I visited New York after a decade away and saw what Bloomberg had done to the place- hell, I went down to Tompkins Square Park and there were actually KIDS playing in a sandbox….filled with…. get this…sand! Not syringes and puke, shattered malt liquor bottles and broken dreams- but pure, clean, wholesome sand- WTF???? THIS IS NOT MY CITY. Sigh.

You know what I’m saying right- New York isn’t New York without the junkies and the piss and the crime and March Madness ain’t March Madness without the agonizing failure, crushing disappointment and wave after wave of punishing self doubt OH YEAH – BRING IT, BABY- THAT SHIT’S LIKE HEROIN TO ME. Plus all of my picks were predictable and dull and if there’s one thing the tournament should never be, it’s predictable and dull (aside from the first day- that was great- but, of course, that was the one day I was way too busy with my stupid “job” thing to actually watch games. By the time I started watching on Friday, it was like when I showed up all excited for my first summer at camp and all everyone kept talking about was how awesome last summer was. Sigh.)  It got to the point that by Friday night I started cheering for outcomes wildly in conflict with my own self interest just in the hopes that something interesting would happen. So- Dayton over Providence- SURE! Michigan State over Virginia- WHY NOT??? NC State over Cal Seething- 040815- piccolo‘Nova? ABSO-FUCKIN’-LUTELY!! Score that upset! Bust that Bracket! Make that piccolo player WEEP- IT’S THE TOURNAMENT, BABY- IF YOU AINT’ CRYIN’- YOU AIN’T TRYIN’.

And yet, despite the massive upsets in the East Region my bracket still looks pretty good. And, you know what- I think I’m OK with that- hell, I’m in a big tie for third, and, who knows- maybe I could actually win this thing after ten years of heartbreak and despair- or, much much much more likely, I can get my hopes built up REALLY HIGH only to slide into defeat like a coach off a chair. Man, that guy loves his son. It’s kind of weird, right? The only time my dad cried when he talked about me was when he told people I was a theatre major. Kidding! Kidding! My parents have always been supportive of all my creative ambitions. So supportive that they are probably gonna read this post- hi guys! Thanks for always having my back, Dad and not crying like a bitch about it in front of the whole fucking country:

Anyhow- all of this is to say- we’re just one week into this thing with games starting up again on Thursday two more weeks of (hopefully) crazy action to go and anything can still happen! (within reason) So- good luck, have fun- and GO WHOEVER IS PLAYING KENTUCKY!

March 30, 2015- Sweet 16 & Elite 8

Subject: I Guess I Was Asking For It

Look, I’m no dummy. I know I was asking for it. Hell, last week I was all “ooooh the tournament is so boooooring” and “why hasn’t anyone busted my braaaaaacket yet” and “oh boo hoo hoo I’m actually winning this year wah wah wah” shamelessly whining about my First World Problems like a Food-Babe-reading-Whole-Foods-mom screaming at a minimum wage cashier cause she can’t find the right brand of Cruelty Free Kale Chips (there’s no such thing, of course. Kale Chips are cruel by definition). I should have known that my hubris would never be tolerated by the Tournament Gods Lundquist and Vitale (who maintains his youthful vigor by sucking the souls from insufferable Cal Seething- 033015- ashleyactresses, but the joke’s on him cause she traded her soul years ago to take Sandra Bullock’s role in Double Jeopardy. Then again, he was able to suck out a mouthful of used Botox and stale collagen- which makes his look younger and gives him the energy he needs to extol the virtues of clean living in between shooting Hooters commercials.)

Anyhow, the Tournament Gods let me have my One Shining Moment during the Sweet 16 while I was competing for the lead, before they smote me with a Mighty Hand and an Outstretched Arm (can you tell I’m getting psyched for Passover? Charoset in the Chouse!!) That’s right- in the very first game of the Elite 8 Wisconsin beat my super-brilliant pick to win the whole tournament: Arizona. Yeah, that’s right- Arizona. Gun totin’, immigrant hatin’, Jan Brewer electin’, MLK Day not celebratin’, Daylight Savings Time rejectin’, sun blasted, godforsaken, racist fuckin’ ARIZONA. Arizona- who’s only two attractions are a gigantic hole in the ground and an absurdly warm climate- making it, officially, the sweaty asshole of America. I mean, there’s a reason why Arizona was the last of the contiguous states added in 1912 after every single other territory had already been granted statehood- nobody wanted it! And do you think Congress was even serious about making it a state when theyCal Seething- 040815- carrie did? Hello no! It was like inviting Carrie to the prom- they were gonna dump pig’s blood on Arizona’s Senator on his first day of work (their all going to laugh at you, Arizona) but then they saw he was heavily armed and bat-shit crazy so they sad, “Screw it, we’ll keep the damn state. We can send baseball players there to train and old people there to die. Oh- and someday- someday maybe they’ll have an actual university. Yeah- and that university might have a basketball team- and that basketball team might get really, really good. So good, in fact, that some pundit might write an article about how in a large March Madness pool it’s actually statistically better to pick Arizona than the heavily favored Kentucky. And then, some complete and utter nincompoop with a beard who runs a theatre and sweats a lot will read this article and he’ll pick Arizona only to have them lose terribly in the Elite 8, blowing his bracket to smithereens while we laugh and laugh and laugh. Except of course, that we’ll be dead. Long dead. Almost as dead as that sweaty fuckwad’s bracket. Ha!” – and THAT’s the story of how Arizona became a state. It’s like Schoolhouse Rock up in this bitch.

And then- to add insult to bracket breaking- Notre Dame came within SECONDS of pulling off a gigantic upset and beating Kentucky in the second game on Saturday- which would have been awesome for a whole host of reasons, not Cal Seething- 040815- ndthe least of which being that everyone’s brackets would be a screwed as mine- only to lose in heartbreaking fashion in the final seconds of the game. Of course, it could be seen as karmic retribution that Notre Dame, which is located in Indiana, had their hearts torn out by Kentucky just days after the passage of the Religious Bigotry Act. Which, I know, is crazy when you think about it- when has Kentucky ever been the LESS bigoted state to cheer for? (OUTDATED CURRENT EVENT WARNING)

Alright- that’s all I’ve got- semi-final games are this Saturday and I’ll be watching on my phone during the Seder and trying not to yell out profanity during the Ten Plagues- or, at any rate, more profanity than is usual for our family Seder (come party with us!)

Good luck this weekend (to those of you whose brackets aren’t completely fucked)! Happy Passover (or Easter, whatever).

April 6, 2015 (Final Four Update)

Subject: Who Cares Who Wins? Kentucky Lost!

Alright, I promised myself I was gonna be gracious here. Be professional, be objective- just report on the facts. Not to Cal Seething- 040815- frankexpress my feelings about how ABSO-FUCKIN’-LUTELY AWESOME it is that Big Bad Blue Kentucky, led by coach John “Douchebag” Calipari  (hey, it’s not my fault that his parents named him that. It’s cause he was born with a full head of douchey coach hair- a rare congenital condition known as Pitino’s Disease. And also cause he’s a douche)  and his over-hyped gaggle of pumped up one-and-done, Happy Meal All Americans CRUMBLED  in the final seconds of the semi-final game like matzah under the weight of a Kaminsky-sized wedge of Wisconsin cheddar.

And, I’m sure as hell not going to talk about how TOTALLY AMAZEBALLS (is “amazeballs” still a thing? I’m very Cal Seething- 040815- ashley old) it was to see Ashley Judd and the rest of Big Boo-hoo Nation in the stands watching as their hopes and dreams for a history making undefeated season went down the toilet The “toilet”, I’m told, is a bathroom fixture that I eagerly look forward to revisiting just as soon as Passover is over. Just picture Wisconsin’s big men clogging the lane and you’ll have a rough idea what’s going on inside me. I know, TMI (is TMI still a thing? God, I’m so old).

Anyhow- like I said- I’m not gonna revel in Kentucky’s SOUL CRUSHING defeat (tee hee hee. Tee hee hee. Stop that!) – but I am going to report objectively and without bias that this has basically tanked just about half of the brackets in our pool- and has left only two players still seriously competing for victory. But in a way, we’re all winners- because whoever wins the tournament will be gracing us with the traditional Victory Bagels so that we can all share in the triumph. Except for me, of course, because Passover. And Kentucky because THEY LOST WOO-HOO!!!!! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I wasn’t going to celebrate. It’s OK Kentucky- you guys tried your best and it just wasn’t good enough. There’s no shame in that, unless, of course, you’re ashamed of being a bunch of fucking losers which, of course, you should be. Plus- it’s good for you to get used to losing- cause it’s all you’re gonna be doing in theCal Seething- 040815- jack NBA when you play for the Lakers next year. (All suck and no game makes Jack a sad boy. All suck and no game makes Jack a sad boy.)

tl:dr Kentucky lost. Wisconsin won. Everyone’s brackets are fucked and I’m inappropriately happy about it. (I know tl:dr is still at thing, cause it’s the most common comment on my posts. Sigh)

OK- to check all the standings please visit the site- and for any UK (and Laker) fans who want to punch me in the face- I’ll be out of the office til Wednesday. If you need to punch someone in the face urgently, please contact Charlayne Woodard immediately (though she’ll make you pay her minimum wage for the privilege  or, you can wait Cal Seething- 040815- randuntil Wednesday and punch me in the face when I return. And if you’re not following the whole 99 seat mess, you can just punch Rand Paul. Go on, do it. He’ll throw a little temper tantrum like a five year old who’s daddy took away his Fountainhead Lego set (build a towering skyscraper as a testament to human superiority and then smash it on the ground because it’s too perfect to exist).

Happy Final Game!

April 7, 2015- Final Update

Subject: Duke Wins. Oh Goody.

You know, I talk a lot of trash about Kentucky- but I really owe them a debt of gratitude. Because a few years ago, if Cal Seething- 040815- clDuke had won (oh, yeah, Duke won, BTW) I would have been full of piss and vinegar- all “entitled preppy white boys” this and “J. J. Reddick” that and “something something something cleaning my toilet with Christian Laettner’s stupid 90’s Lesbian haircut”. But now, because I find Kentucky so utterly loathsome and repellent – I’m totally fine with the fact that Duke won! Cause, you see, I take the same approach to sports that the U.S. Government takes to the Middle East- I just support whichever side seems less repulsive at the time (also a common strategy for U.S. voters and consumers of Passover desserts. Honestly, goyim- eat a goddamn macaroon and then tell me you don’t like Marshmallow Peeps.) It’s like- one year the Broncos are in the Superbowl and Seattle is the devil- and the next year Seattle’s playing the Patriots and I’m all “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST RUN THE FUCKING BALL!!!!!” – and, of course, no matter which side I support, I end up losing- so…hey- just like the U.S. Government in the Middle East!

So- yeah- Duke won. Whoopi-dee-doo. I was cheering for Wisconsin cause they beat Kentucky (the enemy of my enemy is my team) but, whatever. And – of course, that means that the winner of our March Madness pool is….Steve’s bracket “Steve” (congrats, “Steve!”)- and the winner of the Most Creative Bracket Name prize is……pretty clearly NOT Steve. Actually- that goes to “Unexpected Value of Ignorance” which is the best bracket name to be taken from an Alejandro Inarritu movie title since “Basket-Babel” and “21 SLAMS!”. And, of course, the second place bracket is “Crying Boys” – or as they are also known “The Harrison Twins”.

Alright, that’s all for now- I hope all of you beady eyed, pasty faced seal clubbers enjoy your stupid baseball season while those who prefer our sports “entertaining” drown our sorrows in the NBA playoffs while we wait for the start of FOOTBALL SEASON!!! WOO HOO!!! Go Jets…or Broncos…or whoever is playing the Patriots- it doesn’t matter. You’re just gonna lose anyhow. Crap.

Meanwhile- while we’re waiting for the football season, we can enjoy the build up to the NFL draft. It’s especially heartening that the NFL is so committed to raising awareness about violence against women that they’re selecting a known rapist with the number one pick. Shame on you, NFL. If only you treated violence against women as seriously as you treat the risk of brain damage to players- oh, wait, never mind- you do! (SADLY, NOT AN OUTDATED CURRENT EVENT WARNING)

Until next year!

Postscript:Cal Seething- 040815- ihate

I was jonesing so bad for some March Madness action that I finally watched the ESPN documentary I Hate Christian Laettner and, hey, guess what? I HATE DUKE AGAIN!!! I knew I should have watched it before the Championship- just think of all the red faced sputtering fury I missed out on. It’s like when I forgot to watch Schindler’s List before Germany won the World Cup. It’s a good flick, though- best video I’ve seen about white privilege in ages that doesn’t feature the NYPD. Oh well, there’s always next year- and, who knows, maybe Wisconsin will actually win the championship and I’ll have to come up with a reason to hate them. Beer swilling, cheese eating, Scott Walker voting motherfuckers! Cal Seething- 040815- cheeseOh, yeah. That’s the stuff- ONLY 11 MONTHS TO GO TIL NEXT MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRCCCCCHHHH!!!!!!!!!

March Madness. Fuck yeah.

 

[California Seething] No Fun League vs Snow Fun League

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Hey- you know what’s better than watching football on TV? Yup, that’s right- watching football on TV in Los Angeles! There’s nothing better than kicking back in shorts and flip flops on a Sunday morning, turning on the TV and watching the players and fans freeze their balls off. Mmmm mmm. You want a game time snack? I’ve got nachos and schaedenfreude coming right up! And you can wash it down with a glass Cal Seething-120114-fans2of Why the Fuck do you Live There. Oh oh oh- that doesn’t seem very nice to you? Well,  just think about the last time you were watching House Hunters and there was some pair of cornfed rubes out there in Buttfuckia shopping for a 10 bed 27 bath castle with a large kitchen, man cave and a moat for $150k or less. And just think back to all the nitpicky things they said while they were picking out their Forever Dream Castle- stuff like “I was really hoping for an open plan kitchen” or “I’m just not sure the man cave is big enough for a ping pong table and a home theatre system” or “we’re going to have to put in a much taller fence around the moat so that little Dakota doesn’t fall in and get eaten by sea monsters- and that’s going to add to the renovation costs.” And now think about the fact that while you were watching this episode you second guessed every single life choice you ever made that led you to Los Angeles with its unbreathable air, undrivable traffic, unaffordable housing and unbearable douchebags- and now tell me, TELL ME that it it’s not just awesome to see those apple cheeked All American assholes freezing their padded asses off in 10 degree weather with the snow falling down while they’re wearing styrofoam cheese on their heads – or whatever they wear on their heads in Buffalo- (what’s the appropriate headgear to signify decades of futility and defeat? Foam chicken wings? Oversize novelty Jim Kelly head- with hair? Patriots hat?) while you’re lounging about barely dressed with the windows wide open laughing your ass off in a rat infested studio you can barely afford. And- here’s the best part- it’s not like we have to worry about Bad Weather Karma coming to get us if we mock the rest of the country. I mean- they get the Polar Vortex and the Snowpocalypse- what’s the worst we’re gonna get? Marine Layer Vortex? Drizzlepocalypse? Ocean Breezemageddon? Out of control raging wildfires that engulf huge chunks of land in flame and threaten to destroy us all? Wait. Crap. That’s a thing. Sorry Weather Karma Gods. I’ll be good. I’ll be good.

So, yes, I was really psyched to watch the Bills / Jets game a couple of weeks ago because of the huge storm that filled the stadium in Buffalo with snow earlier that week. I mean, don’t get me wrong- it was very important game- Buffalo has an excellent chance of just barely missing the playoffs this year and the Jets were rocketing upwards from disgrace to embarrassment- but I was most excited to watch those miserable fucks wallow around in the snow. But then, Roger WUSSell and the National WUSSball League decided there was just too much snow to be able to play the game safely in Buffalo, especially cause many of the wittle baby pwayers were twapped in their homes and couldn’t even get to the stadium cause of all the snow, so he moved the game to the balmier climes of Detroit’s indoor stadium. What is this crap? Is this FOOTBALL or futbol? When did we get so soft?? I warned them about this- Ipackers reax 7 of hoffman.jpg warned them this would happen if they wore pink uniforms- but NOBODY LISTENED Hell, football was made to be played in cold weather. Vince Lombardi wouldn’t have let a storm keep his team from playing. Hell no! If the players were snowed in, Vince Lombardi would have harnessed his offensive lineman to a sleigh and had them carry the team to the game- and one of the lineman dropped dead because his weak little heart didn’t believe in America enough to go any further- Lombardi would have tossed his worthless carcass aside, strapped himself to the sleigh and pulled his team to the stadium all while giving a stern lecture to the players about the perils of Communism, masturbation and sideburns and the importance of WINNING AT ALL COSTS. Now that’s some goddamn MAN FOOTBALL.

But that’s not how things are in Roger Goodell’s No Fun League. Somehow, he’s managed to take America’s greatest Red State passtime and turn it into an overregulated nanny league that would make Teddy Kennedy plotz. So now the players can’t even lay a finger on each other without being called for some kind of bullshit girly-girl ticky-tack violation like Pussy Interference or Roughing the Passer’s Feelings.  Used to be, if the bone wasn’t poking out through the skin, the refs would just tell ’em to suck it up and keep playing- but now it’s all “show me on the doll where the defender touched you.” What a bunch of shit. Listen, I may be a a Bernie Sanders “Tax and Spend” Liberal when it comes to politics, I’m a Rand Paul “Let ’em Play” Libertarian when it comes to sports. Hell, if we could just get the Kochs to sell everything and buy an NFL team, we could save football AND America at the same time.

But I doubt even the great and powerful Kochs could have any impact on Kim Jung Goodell- the Pol Pot of Pigskin, the President Cal Seething-120114-pressnowSnow of Sporting Leagues (eh? Eh? President Snow? Who’s got 2 thumbs and just made a desperate and pathetic grab for relevance with a Hunger Games reference? THIS GUY! And who just undermined his grab for relevance by using the hackneyed and overplayed. “2 thumbs” bit? Well…uhm…that would also be THIS GUY!) I mean, we’re talking about a man who single-handedly doles out punishment to players based on totally arbitrary criteria. And, if they don’t like it, they can certainly appeal the ruling, and the person who hears those appeals…is Roger Goodell. WHAT THE FUCK? If this was a country, we’d send in Amnesty International. It’s the Glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Football. Are you ready for some football? I SAID ARE YOU??? No??? UP AGAINST THE WALL!

Now, Goodell’s been cracking down on all sorts of player behavior- but he is most interested in cracking down on perpetrators of domestic violence. Kidding! Kidding! He only punishes them when he’s publicly shamed – though, to be fair, he did recently launch a public service campaign to raise awareness about domestic violence entitled “No More” and a domestic violence prevention training program for players entitled “Those Cameras are EVERYWHERE, Son!”  That ought to fix it! Nothing solves a complex, deep seeded, multifaceted social problem like a Public Service Announcement- just look how well it worked with drugs! The whole nation was headed for addiction and ruin, but then we found out that drugs fry our brains like an egg and no one ever got high Cal-Seething--120114-eliagain! If only Ray Rice would have known how disappointed Eli Manning would be in him, he never would have punched Janay. It’s brilliant! Maybe we can get the Women’s Soccer Team to tell cops to stop shooting black kids.

Congratulations to Ray Rice, BTW, on his reinstatement! Of course- now he’s gotta find a team that’ll pick him up. And honestly, what team is gonna be dumb to take on that kind of PR nightmare for a marginal player on the downward slope of his career. Oh, who are we kidding? Welcome to the Jets, Ray Rice! Dog Killer & Wife Beater – now THAT’S a backfield! I’m joking, of course, why would the Jets possibly pick up Ray Rice when Adrian Peterson’s available. Better get him now, though- he’s gonna get loads of offers in the offseason. Hell, he’ll be fighting them off with a switch stick.Cal Seething-120114-janay

Of course, the secret to Ray’s return to the game is Janay’s willingness to do the Talk Show Redemption Circuit with him. What a role model she is- with her grace, forgiveness and talent for putting her own safety and well-being aside to make sure that her man gets paid. Well done, Janay! Once Ray signs with a team, he’ll be able to keep you in designer sunglasses for years to come. Just be careful in that big mansion of his- plenty of “doors” to run into. Oopsie daisy!

Meaningless token gestures of opposition to domestic violence aside, Goodell’s real passion is for cracking down on Excessive Celebration. I know it’s tough for Goodell to understand human emotions because he’s a cyborg sent back by Skynet to crush our souls (isn’t the whole Skynet thing happening, like, next Tuesday?) but we puny humans have this thing we call joy- and we feel it when we do something awesome like scoring a touchdown. And when we do feel a large amount of joy- well, by golly we want to Cal Seething- 120114- dunkcelebrate- and you know what- there’s not a GODDAMN THING WRONG WITH THAT. I want my players to be happy. I want to see them celebrating. I want dunking over the goal post, rocking the ball to sleep like a baby, the Lambeau Leap, the Icky Shuffle, the Mile High Salute, the Dirty Bird, Deion Sanders high stepping, Terrell Owens signing the football, Terrell Owens playing with pom-poms, Terrell Owens spiking on the Dallas star, pretty much the whole rest of Terrell Owens career, Gangham Style, Moonwalking, Tebowing, Tebowing in mockery of Tim Tebow (that’s the best)- whatever- you just made a huge play motherfucker- let your freak flag fly! (Just make sure you’re over the goal line first.) What are we so afraid of? That the other team won’t like it? That it’ll make them feel bad about themselves? GOOD. They should feel bad about themselves. They’re losers. And if they want to feel better about themselves, they don’t need daily affirmations or participation trophies- they need to score their own damn touchdown and rub it in the other team’s faces just like we did with the Ruskies. But what about the children you ask? Well what about the little fuckers?? I hope they’re watching! I hope they’re watching and thinking- “Hey- someday if I’m really good at something and I work my ass off, then maybe I’ll have a chance to act like a moron in public!”- and you know what? THAT’S AWESOME. That’s what they should think. And sure, we all know it’s complete horseshit- that inequality, discrimination, hatred and cruelty keep most kids from ever having all that much of a chance- but isn’t Cal-Seething--120114-simmonthat exactly what we should be working towards? To create a world where every child has a chance to someday celebrate excessively. I think so. But then again I like being a public spectacle.

You can’t blame Goodell, though- he’s in a tough position. After all, his job is to protect the NFL brand, and those pesky players keep trying to mess it up. That’s the trouble with marketing institutionalized brutality as wholesome, family entertainment- it’s like trying to sell Vegas as a family vacation destination- no matter how many acrobats, dancing fountains, fitted pink jerseys or schmaltzy commercials you make- Vegas is still all just gambling and whores and the NFL is big dudes fucking each other up. See, we want to watch football, we just don’t like the consequences of playing football. So what do we do? Well- we’re Americans- what do you think we do? This is the land of hybrid SUV’s, gluten-free beer and drone warfare- nobody’s better at taking the “guilt” out of “guilty pleasure” than we are! Have our cake and eat it to? No problem! Just so long as the cake is gluten-free, sweetened with organic agave nectar, made with free-range eggs and includes an tiny donation to fight the cancer du jour. So, yeah- we get to enjoy football as long as we punish the players for being too human, act shocked when violent men behave violently, make a bunch of pointless rules,  and worry about concussions in lieu of actually doing anything to prevent them. Why not? That’s our strategy for climate change and it’s working just fine. I know I feel like I’m making a difference when I Like an article about melting ice caps. Plus, it’s ok, those who can afford to shop at Whole Foods and keep fracking out of their communities can just keep their kids from playing football if they want to keep them safe. As for everyone else, well, they’re poor so they’re fucked anyway. Honestly, brain damage is the least of their problems- I mean, it’s not like they were gonna learn anything in school anyway. Might as well let them bash their brains in for our amusement- just as long as they don’t start acting all urban and “thug”-like and scary. After all, we have to think of the little white children.

So….yeah….right…what the hell was I talking about again? Oh, right, the Jets Bills game. Yeah. It sucked. The Bills won 38-3. Not much cause for celebration there, excessive or otherwise. The only one celebrating was my Patriot loving sister in Massachusetts. Whatever,  I just had Thanksgiving dinner outside – suck it Massholes! And, yeah, I realize the Jets play in New Jersey and the weather is terrible there, too…but…SUCK IT MASSHOLES. You just got your ass kicked by the cheeseheads – what do you know? Now, if you’ll excuse me,  I have to go take some selfies with palm trees and text them to herCal-Seething--100714--punky. Who wouldn’t want to live here? When it comes to man made, debilitating weather conditions with catastrophic consequences- I’ll take MegaDrought over Polar Vortex any day (remember when we could tell the difference between weather conditions and SyFy movie titles?) Or maybe I’ll take Punky for a walk. Hi Punky! Does Punky Wunky want to go for Walkie-Dalkies? Punky Wunky walkies? Punky Wunky Wunky walkies??? Who’s my wittle Punky Wunky? Who’s my wittle Punky Wunky? PUNKY!

Crap. Sorry about that. It just keeps getting worse over here. I’d better go so that Punky can get on with the business of licking me compulsively which is equal parts adorable and disturbing like Teddy Ruxpin, John Wayne Gacy and Micky Rourke’s love for chihuahuas. All I was trying to say is that playing football is dumb, watching football is awesome and watching cold weather football from LA is the best! Oh, and there’s no such thing as excessive celebration. And also Miami Heat v Oklahoma City Thunder – Game OneRoger Goodell is a poop head who should be fired at the soonest opportunity. Hey- I hear David Stern is available!

Right. OK, Punky- proceed with the licking. Ahhhh, that’s the stuff. Time to kick back and watch the Jets lose to…who are they playing again? Oh right, Miami. That’s no fun- can’t even feel smug about the weather. And…wait- is that rain out there??? It’s not supposed to rain in LA! Sorry Weather Karma Gods- I knew I shouldn’t have pushed my luck. Oh well. It’s all gonna turn around for us when we get Rice and Peterson- and if we can get Hernandez out of jail- then we may finally something worth celebrating excessively over – whether Chairman Roger likes it or not.

 

[Not Quite Ready for Some Football] – Mostly Uninformed Week 10 Picks

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Hey- how about that election on Tuesday? Yeah…that was….uhm…..yeah….so….hey- how about we just focus on football? That’s the American way! I bet more than 38% of registered voters set their fantasy line-ups this week. And, seriously millennials- only 13% of the vote??? You do know that sharing Facebook memes doesn’t count, right, and that you’ve got to go out there and fucking NFL-110614-ivotedvote??? Hell, I would think you’d love voting- you get to foist your uninformed opinion on the world and whether your team wins or loses you still get a little participation sticker. It’s like your whole entitled skateboard helmet wearing orange slice at halftime eating childhood all rolled up in a little booth. Not that it matters too much if you vote in California.  We just cast our vote for Foregone Conclusion and then go home to see which group of backwoods yokels ruined America this time (seriously, Iowa- the hog castrating lady??  I know it’s hard to accept cause the President’s black- but you do know the country’s doing pretty fucking well, right???) And speaking of backwoods yokels- this week’s Thur night game was a battle for bragging rights in Ohio between Cincinnati and Cleveland (Segue- Boom!) Now I know usually we only care about Ohio during presidential elections, but what happened in Ohio NFL-110614-lebronlast night was actually significant and meaningful (Just talking football, here. It’s still a horrible, pointless place to live. Especially since LeBron actually left his talents in South Beach.)

So what’s up with the rest of this week’s games? Well, here are my picks. Feel free to use them for gambling and entertainment purposes, just know that these are based on almost no research at all and that I’m wrong a lot of the time. The way this’ll work is that I’ll put a little (w) by the team that’s gonna win each game.

Thur Night Game:

Cincinnati (w) vs Cleveland – Wow- I was totally wrong about this one. I guess the Browns decided Cleveland needed a pick me up after watching the Cavs for three games.

Sunday Games:

Kansas City (w) vs Buffalo
Detroit (w) vs Miami – I’m most likely wrong about this. I never pick Detroit correctly. But I heard that Megatron was coming back and that’s gotta mean something cause he wouldn’t have an awesome nickname like Megatron if he wasn’t good at stuff. His nickname would be more like “Todd” or “Stubby” – something way less terrifying.
New Orleans (w) vs San Francisco
Pittsburgh (w) vs New York Jets- Yup. It’s true. The butt fumble is officially the “good old days”.
Atlanta vs Tampa Bay (w)– But seriously who cares?
Jacksonville vs Dallas (w)– This game is actually taking place in London. It’s part of Goodell’s strategy to squash British interest in NFL-110614-clockworkAmerican football by subjecting them to Dallas and Jacksonville. That’s some Clockwork Orange shit. Vidi well my droogies! That’s lovely lovely Tony Romo.
Baltimore (w) vs Tennessee
Denver (w) vs Oakland- Just how good is Peyton Manning? Weed is legal in Colorado he’s selling a Frito-pizza- dude is always thinking two steps ahead! (Has anyone actually tried that? Cause I’m ashamed of how much I want to. It’s like the Doritos Locos Tacos debacle all over again.)
Arizona (w) vs St. Louis- Older fans will remember that the Arizona Cardinals actually used to be the St. Louis Cardinals. Younger fans won’t give a crap.
Seattle (w) vs New York Giants
Green Bay (w) vs Chicago- A fascinating match up between spokesman for State Farm and the face of Douchebaggery. While theyNFL-110614-jay don’t agree on much, I think Packer fans and Bears fans would both agree that this is a classic historic rivalry best watched from Los Angeles. Brrr I hear it might be 60 this weekend. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. I’m so thirsty…

Monday Night Game:

Philadelphia (w) vs Carolina- Man, it’s great to see Sanchez wearing green and playing again. If only Philly were in the AFC East, he might actually complete a pass to the Jets.

Alright- that’s all I’ve got. Good luck out there.

 

[Kicking Back with Jersey Joe] Monkeys Riding Dogs

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They’ve become one of the hottest NFL halftime shows and they’re lighting up social media.  Jersey Joe checks out the best NFL halftime show ever – monkeys riding dogs!  Could a crowd of rowdy football fans be captivated by such a sight?

THE 411

What: monkeys riding dogs

Name: Team Ghost Riders

Performance venues: sport stadiums and arenas

Website: http://www.teamghostriders.com/

JERSEY JOE RECOMMENDS:

You have to share their videos with your friends.  It will at least give you a good laugh to share at a bar, at a party, or at the office water cooler!

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[Kicking Back with Jersey Joe] Jersey Joe’s Top 100 TV Themes (11-20)

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We’re at the top 20 mark of my 100 favorite TV themes summer countdown.  I hope you’ve enjoyed this as much as I!  These top 20 opening themes are some of the best that ever appeared on television.  Let’s check out 11-20 and see if you were a fan of these shows, too…

 

#20 THE JEFFERSONS

Airdates: 1975-1985 (CBS)

 

 

They’re movin’ on up!

 

What started out as a spin-off from All in the Family, The Jeffersons took on a life of its own.  Anybody remember George Jefferson as on of Archie Bunker’s neighbors?

 

After hitting it big in dry cleaning, George and his wife Weezy purchase an apartment in New York City’s Upper East Side.  The mismatch between not only the couple, but also their neighbors, and smart mouth maid kept this sit-com on the air for 11 seasons.

 

The first set of opening credits perfectly set the tone of the series.  You see the Jeffersons leaving their Queens home, driving over the 59th St. Bridge to the Upper East Side and entering the front elevator door to their new life.  Later versions of the credits kept the same song, but used hilarious b-roll shots of the series.

 

 

The Jefferson’s apartment building is a real life apartment building in the Upper East Side.  I know, I work around the corner, and pass it all the time!

 

I also found this unusual version of their opening credits when the show was aired in Italy.  I have no idea why it was edited this way, but the retro shot of Manhattan is kind of cool… the still shots of the actors are not!

 

 

#19 FAMILY FEUD

Airdates: 1976-1985 (ABC), 1988-1993 (CBS), 1977-1995 & 1999-present (Syndicated)

 

 

You know a game show is good when it is still on the air after 35+ years!  Originally developed as a spin-off to Match Game, Family Feud has kept the pulse of America since the 1970’s.  You ask 100 people a question and contestants have to guess their top answers for cash.  It’s a pretty simple concept.

 

The best part of Family Feud’s theme was the original opening where the families would pose behind the large yellow door.  When the show returned in 1999, the producers got rid of the doors, but the families still had that freeze frame moment.  Sadly, they have abandoned the big family intro in the past couple of seasons and they really need to bring it back.

 

Everybody knew Richard Dawson as the original and probably the greatest host ever for this series.  He kissed every woman and even married one of the contestants!

 

When the series returned in 1988, it was with a new host Ray Combs, who was never as good as Dawson.  After a few years of ratings decline, they brought Dawson back with a new version of the original theme and a new set.  This only lasted one season, as the ratings took a major hit during the OJ Simpson trial that caused the show to routinely be preempted.

 

 

The show was brought back again in 1999, this time with Louie Anderson as host.  He got the job after Dawson turned it down.  Louie was hilarious during his first season, but during his second and third seasons, he seemed to lose interest.  With Louie as host, the original theme song was abandoned and a cheesy new theme was created.  The little riddles to introduce the family are absolutely embarrassing.

 

 

After three seasons with Louie, the producers hired Richard Karn (Al from Home Improvement.)  He was terrible!  I went to a taping once while he was hosting and he lost his place and they had to retape part of the round.  He also made a ton of mistakes.  For a brief time during his hosting, they brought back the original theme, but then returned to the Louie Anderson music.  After three seasons of Karn, producers hired John O’Hurley (Mr. Peterman from Seinfeld) as host.  I think O’Hurley was the best behind Dawson.  He was funny, personable, and easy to understand.  It was during his run that they finally brought back the classic music and had the families pose again!

 

 

Since 2010, Steve Harvey has been the host of the show with Joey Fatone as announcer (although he only reads one line that they use over and over again at the opening, so that kind of doesn’t count as announcing.)  Production of the show moved first to Orlando and now to Atlanta, where Harvey lives and hosts his radio show.  The latest version keeps scoring high ratings, but many of the questions are now quite sexual in nature.  I’m not sure I would let my kids watch the latest version of the show.

 

 

But, no matter what… Family Feud is still an awesome game show and I hope to see this one on the air for many more years to come.

 

#18 LAW AND ORDER

Airdates: 1990-2010 (NBC)

 

 

Dun… dun…

 

While the awesome theme and the style of the opening credits to this show haven’t changed during the 20 seasons, the cast sure did.  None of the cast from season 1 made it all the way through to the end.

 

Law & Order detectives take on the hardest criminals in New York City’s mean streets.  The series has also spawned four spin-offs including, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: Trial By Jury, and Law & Order: LA.  The latter was an attempt to continue the series, but it was a massive ratings flop.  Each version of the show used an opening credit theme similar to the original, except for the LA version, which then changed to the classic style credits once the ratings were already in trouble.

 

 

 

 

Law & Order takes full advantage of the NYC streetscape and really can’t work anywhere else (see LA flop version).  There’s always crime and there’s always a story on the streets of the Big Apple.  You also get to see the gentrification of the city as each season passes.

 

I love the theme song, I love the color palette, and I love the editing style of every version of the credits.  There’s still lots more stories to tell.  Even though SVU is still on the air, I think they could bring back the original with a new cast.

 

#17 ROSEANNE

Airdates: 1988-1997 (ABC)

 

 

Roseanne was the working class family that everyone could relate to.  At least they did until the weird last season where the family hit the lottery.  Anyhow, this show was a ratings blockbuster that I’ll still watch if I catch it flipping through the channels.

 

Roseanne’s opening credits were also quite original.  For the first few years, it featured the cast sitting around the kitchen table and would be reshot every season as the kids got older.

 

 

In the later years, they switched to morphing headshots in a photo frame, but kept the sax.  The kitchen table shots were still the best.

 

 

For the final season, most of the cast and producers wanted to end the show, but ABC threw a boatload of money at them, so they pressed on for one more.  This was where we got all the fantasy episodes… remember Roseanne as a super hero saving a train that was taken over by terrorists?  The last season’s intro was pretty cool and that’s where we finally get words to the theme song!  Thanks John Popper!

 

 

#16 THE BIG BANG THEORY

Airdates: 2007-present (CBS)

 

 

Four geeks trying to make their way in the world is the theme behind one of TV’s current ratings leader. The Big Bang Theory has been renewed for several more seasons and can give anyone hope that they can make it in the real world, no matter if you have common sense or not.  While these guys may be geniuses, they have very little life skills… and that’s where the comedy comes from.  I would love to challenge them to a round of rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!

 

The original pilot for the show had a much different set of opening credits and featured the 80’s rock song “She Blinded Me with Science.”  I like how the song and the look of the credits take us quickly forward from the Big Bang to the present.

 

#15 THE SIMPSONS

Airdates: 1989-present (FOX)

 

 

I thought for sure there would be a zillion different Simpsons opening credits uploaded to YouTube, but it turns out that’s incorrect.  They too, most police for their videos.

 

The Simpsons has broken just about every TV milestone and can be considered America’s favorite family since they made their debut on The Tracy Ullman Show back in 1987.  Remember those shorts?

 

I love the opening credits and they really haven’t changed much over the years.  The biggest was when the show finally went to HD a few seasons ago.  With the upgrade, the credits were reorganized with more sight gags added.

 

The best part has been Bart’s funny lines he’s writing on the chalk board and the couch gag, which are reworked for each and every episode.  It’s not every show that does something unique for their credits each time!

 

I’m a huge Simpsons fan, but the comedy has gone down hill in the last few seasons.  I’m not sure if we’ve done all that we can do with the characters, but the writing and jokes just aren’t on par with the earlier seasons of the show.  It almost feels like they’re trying to be too much like The Family Guy.  The show did better when they focused on one character and went for the little sight gags.  I hope they can do something to boost the creativity and keep this show on the air for many more years.  The movie was hilarious, but the weekly series is now lacking.

 

#14 MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Airdates: 1970-2005 (ABC), 2006-present (ESPN)

 

 

So, what ABC affiliate general manager is not kicking himself in the butt for letting this big money show go to cable?

 

This selection in my countdown may shock a few people, but it earned its place for two reasons.  It has kept the same general opening theme music for decades and also has featured the Monday Night Party intro as well, which is changed each week and reshot each season.

 

While I love the FOX Sports theme music, ABC’s football theme was first, and I’m glad that they still use it on the ESPN broadcasts.

 

When Monday Night Football was on regular broadcast television, local stations earned big bucks by selling their share of commercial ad time that was provided by the network.  However, many affiliates complained that the long length of the games would delay their 11pm newscasts and cause a drop in ratings.  After hearing so many complaints, ABC moved the series to ESPN, where it’s been airing ever since.  Sadly, the ratings these stations got back for their 11pm news was short lived.  Ratings for all 11pm newscasts are down, now that people get their info off the internet and none of ABC Monday night programs have earned the same ratings.  This really was a horrible move on the part of ABC affiliates, who have no one to blame but themselves.

 

I’m not sure of the exact year ABC started using their now iconic football theme, but check out the game open from 1970 – that’s brought to you by CIGARETTES!

 

 

While football on Sunday is awesome and the occasional Monday night matchup is great, both the league and network TV are doing themselves a disservice by adding games on Thursday and Saturday nights.  It’s too much football, spread out during the week.  NFL games should be more of an event.  I, like most people, have to get up for work on Friday… (even some Sunday night games can be painful!)  Let’s keep the party where it should be… to two nights a week.

 

But, let’s check out on more ABC themed MNF open… this one from Halloween 1994!

 

 

#13 PARTY OF FIVE

Airdates: 1994-2000 (FOX)

 

 

I have to admit, I was not a major fan of this series – but I thought the short opening credits sequence rocked!

 

Party of Five was a teen drama, which focused on five siblings who had to find a way to live together after their parents are killed by a drunk driver.  The show barely escaped cancellation due to low ratings after the first season, but FOX kept it on, and it eventually found an audience.

 

They must not have been able to secure the rights to use “Closer to Free” internationally.  Check out the overdubbed opening credits as seen in Mexico!

 

 

#12 DIFF’RENT STROKES

Airdates: 1978-1985 (NBC) 1985-1986 (ABC)

 

 

Does anybody have any real idea what the lyrics to these opening credits mean?  I get it’s the story of two orphans from Harlem who go to live with a rich guy in a New York City penthouse… but is the word Strokes a metaphor for a painting on a canvas and that no two are alike?  I guess so, because everybody’s got a special kind of story.

 

Does the voice behind the song sound familiar?  That’s actor Alan Thicke, the eventual star of Growing Pains.  Thicke actually created the theme song for a number of sit-coms and game shows.

 

The video shoot from the first season, is similar to The Jeffersons, as it shows their journey from poor to rich in about one verse.

 

As the series went on, the opening would change to feature new cast shots and b-roll.  The kids grew up after each season, Mrs. Garett the original housekeeper left for The Facts of Life, and finally Mr. Drummond gets married and a new woman and her son move in.

 

Here’s a look at the last NBC season opening:

 

 

After NBC cancelled the show, ABC picked it up for one more season.  Dixie Carter left after fighting with Gary Coleman on the set, so they brought in a lookalike.  Since the show changed networks, a new remixed version of the theme was required.  Since there are only a handful of episodes of this version of the music, you could say it’s a little rare.  It was a cool idea to use all the picture frames, which was high tech at the time!

 

 

And I found this awesome clip of a Diff’rent Strokes / Knight Rider crossover!  I don’t ever remember this…  it was clearly a very special two part episode!

 

 

#11 FRIENDS

Airdates: 1994-2004 (NBC)

 

 

Another show that I wasn’t a big fan of, but I clearly get they’re a group of friends, trying to figure out life in New York City.

 

The theme song became so popular, it was rewritten with extra verses added, so it could be played on radio.  The show lasted for 11 seasons, but the credits were shortened to just the main verse in the later years.  Sad, the playing in the fountain opening was kind of unique to this show.

 

 

Another big ratings show for NBC, but the time had come to say goodbye.  The network was eager to keep some form on this show alive, so they spun-off Joey and sent him to LA to become an actor in his self titled series, Joey.

 

 

The show was awful, but yet somehow got renewed for a second season.  It was so bad, Family Guy made fun of their character Cleveland when he was spun-off into his own show, wishing him better luck than this.  I think we can all say we learned something from this blog this week.  It’s not a good idea to send shows from NYC to LA.  Just ask Law & Order, that’s a tough change for audiences to handle!

 

THE 411

 

What: TV Theme Songs

 

Use: themes used to open a TV series or cartoon

 

Purpose: introduce main cast and introduce audience to the theme of the series

 

Numbers reviewed: 11 – 20

 

JERSEY JOE RECOMMENDS:

 

Well, some unusual choices for my top 20, don’t you think?  Next week, I finally reveal my top ten.  No spoilers this time, though.  See if you can guess who I picked for my number one theme!

 

I don’t own any of the rights to these, nor did I upload them to YouTube.  This blog is presented for educational and informational purposes.

 

Image credit – Paul-W