Been & Going

[California Seething] Year End Wrap Up: Top Four Reasons I Avoided Reality in 2015

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Recently my dad’s been obsessed with watching Perry Mason. I’m not talking about some hip new reboot/prequel on the CW network starring Ben McKenzie as a young P-Mas in which the character is “updated” from the square jawed All-American defender of innocence to a tortured little whiny, millennial Emo Kylo Ren version of himself. Nope- I’m talking about the original show from the 1950’s- black and white film, black and white values and all white cast.

I mean- how ridiculous is it that with all the hundreds of content streams to choose from, he’s watching a show that’s 60 years old? My wife and I laugh about it all the time while we’re watching Card Sharks in the morning on Game Show Network. Of course, we stop once $25,000 Pyramid comes on- cause that shit takes FOCUS. Trust me- you do not want to screw up- especially when you’re playing for the big money- because, if you do, once time expires, Dick Clark will come down from his mighty podium like a vengeful yet strangely avuncular God and force you to keep guessing meaninglessly until you figure outCal Seething- 010415- dick the category you missed just to rub in your face what a moron you are. It’s like- if you were a little smarter or a little quicker you could have guessed that when the gay neighbor from Webster was saying “an old photo, a shot in a movie, your chances of winning” the category was “things that fade” not “things that look good” – but you botched it and so instead of winning $25,000 you’re walking away with a measly $750 which in 1986 was just barely enough money to buy a medium sized house- and Clark’s gonna make sure you feel as lousy as possible about it. Gives new meaning to “Dick move”.

Look, I’m not naive enough to think the past was perfect. The 50’s was a great time, if you were a white guy (but has there ever been a bad time?) The 70’s had Cher, wide lapels and disco- and that was the good stuff! It was also a decade full of disturbing and unsettling developments- Watergate, Cal Seething- 010416- quincythe Iran hostage crisis, Jack Klugman being considered a sex symbol. And the 80’s? Hell, we didn’t think we would get out of the 80’s alive. We were positive that if it wasn’t crack or AIDS or Reaganomics then surely it would be the bomb the bomb the bomb the bomb the bomb the bomb the bomb that would kill us.

But, of course, it didn’t. Turns out the Russians loved their children too (Putin doesn’t) and we managed to make it through the 80’s alive. And while this was a bit of a rude awakening for those of us who spent the decade not doing our homework and sneering at guidance counselors cause “what does it matter man?? We’re all gonna die!!!” it was probably all for the best.

And maybe that’s why we’re so drawn to TV from past decades. Because we know how the story ends. Look, we’re here! We made it! We can look back with a smile at those things that once terrified us and talk about them with bemused detachment like we’re telling the story of a turbulent flight at a warm dinner party with friends.

Or maybe it’s cause everything about 2015 was scary and horrible and the only way to maintain our sanity in the face of almost certain cultural and global collapse is to bury our heads in old game shows and black and white courtroom dramas. Yeah- it’s probably that.

Anyhow- 2015 has ended, and I have, despite my best intentions paid a little bit of attention- so here were the the four best reasons to avoid reality in last year.

Reason #1- The Dumb Shit that College Students Believe These Days Which is Even Dumber than the Dumb Shit I Believed When I Was a Dumb Shit College Student

When I was at SUNY Albany back in the early 1930’s, our school was voted as having the worst food in the country. We were also voted #1 party school- which gave rise to the popular joke “the food’s not nice but you taste it twice!” (NOTE: this joke was never popular). Anyhow, things got particularly dire towards the end of the semester when they were running short on cash- having blown their budget on sumptuous feasts like hot open faced Oscar Mayer turkey sandwiches with beige mucus gravy and toxic cranberry goo, and they began to get creative… or rather, moreCal Seething- 010416- taconug creative. And one of the byproducts of their creativity was the “taco nugget”….which is…exactly as terrible as you think it is. Now, at the time, we were not as enlightened as college students today, so we simply thought of these taco nuggets as “gross” or “grody” or ” nastachious to the extreme” but now, looking back on it from a more fully aware view point I recognize that what was truly nastachious about taco nuggets was not the flavor, but the implicit racism.

Clearly the white supremacists who ran the SUNY Albany cafeteria  appropriated the authentic food of the Mexican people, colonized it into a nugget and served it up to us with a micro-aggression baked right inside (the micro-aggression is what gives the nugget it’s zip. Who knew that racism could be as tasty as MSG- and as toxic!!) If only we had been as culturally aware as the students of Oberlin College in 2015, who raised their Tweets in protest when their university served culturally inauthentic Asian cuisine- including Banh Mi sandwiches on CIABATTA BREAD (SHOCKING!), sushi with UNDERCOOKED rice (OH, THE HUMANITY!) and, most disturbing of all, General Tso’s chicken with….STEAMED CHICKEN instead of fried. Can you imagine??? They might as well just serve a burning cross on a plate (with Cal Seething- 010416- chickenundercooked rice). How dare the fascist oppressors running Oberlin’s food service COLONIZE this proud, traditional, authentic Chinese dish which dates all the way back to the Old Country (New York’s Chinatown) in the 1960’s. Don’t they realize what a threat this type of blatant cultural appropriation poses to the safe space which today’s sensitive college students so desperately need for their intellectual development so that they can do bong hits, puke blood and fuck each other raw in an accepting and culturally sensitive environment (dorm shower)? What’s next? Orange Drink chicken? Egg Beaters Drop Soup? Chicken McNugget Chow Mein? Will the rape of cultures never cease???? (SPOILER ALERT: No. Also- Chicken McNugget Chow Mein sounds kind of amazing. Does that make me a racist, too???? (SPOILER ALERT: Kinda))

Look, I think it’s great that you college kids want to get involved in politics and I seriously mean that in the least patronizing way possible. Hell. I was sort of an activist in college myself and I firmly believe that none of the social change we’ve witnessed in the last century would have transpired had young people not raised their voices in protest. But you’ve gotta be smart about it. When you raise your voice in protest, you don’t want to sound like an idiot, cause nobody wants to listen to a loud idiot who isn’t running for president. So- focus on the issues that matter- climate change, economic inequality, the relentless attacks on Planned Parenthood, police brutality- you know the MACRO-aggressions. Because when you raise your voice in protest over being served a sub-par banh mi at the prestigious private liberal arts college which your mommy and daddy are paying tens of thousands of dollars a year for you to have the privilege to attend and you claim that you’re being oppressed by food service workers who make less in a year than you spend on weed…well, you sound like an idiot. A big, dumb idiot. Just like when you shut down a yoga Cal Seething- 010415- emokyloclass for disabled students because of “cultural genocide” or you insist that your professor provide a trigger warning when teaching The Great Gatsby because it portrays misogyny (both true stories). You’re a tortured little whiny, millennial Emo Kylo Ren version of an activist and nobody takes you seriously. Which is a shame- cause you’ve probably got a lot of stuff to say about the world that we really do need to hear. But we won’t. Go drown your sorrows in cafeteria sushi.

Look, it’s very simple. When deciding whether to raise your voice in protest just follow this rule- black lives matter – General Tso’s chicken doesn’t. Seriously, not even General Tso would think that was worth fighting over (especially because he would have had no fucking clue what General Tso’s chicken was). Just stick to this little guideline, kiddies and you’ll be just fine- and I seriously mean that in the most non-patronizing way possible.

But even the dumb shittiest of all dumb shit college students can never hope to compete with:

Reason #2- The Big Dumb Shit

Here’s the problem with talking about Donald Trump. Whether you’re praising, criticizing, lampooning, lambasting, Cal Seething- 010416- trumpskylauding, dismissing, condemning, wringing your hands over, skywriting about, pontificating about the significance of or shaking your head in disbelief at the unabashed loathsomeness of Donald Trump- you are still TALKING ABOUT Donald Trump- and talking about Donald Trump is the worst possible thing you can do. Because Donald Trump is like a bloated, fascist Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon and words are the helium that makes him rise up in the polls. And so the best thing we can possibly do, as Americans is STOP TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.

And I know that those of you in the mainstream media are gonna say that’s impossible- and I know where you’re coming from. Look, I don’t hate you media types- I know that you’re just people trying to do a good job, same as me. And I totally understand that because you’re a bunch of lazy, superficial, star fucking, fame whore click bait junkies (and I seriously mean that in the most empathetic way possible) you feel compelled to talk about a noxious celebrity billionaire Mussolini knock-off with a mouth like toxic waste dump (and I don’t actually mean that empathetically at Cal Seething- 010416- bernieall cause fuck that guy) So I have a tip for you- whenever you feel compelled to talk about Donald Trump- just talk about Bernie Sanders instead. It’s the perfect solution! Just think of Sanders as the Methadone for your Trump addiction.

And I know you’re gonna say that you have to talk about Trump because you’ve got some sacred duty to report the news- but that’s just one more reason why you should be talking about Sanders. Because Bernie Sanders- not Donald Trump- is the real story of the 2016 election and if you ever bothered to pull your well coiffed heads out of Trump’s pompadoured asshole, you would know that. Because- yes- a lot of us in America are angry, we do feel like we’ve been getting a raw deal and we are fed up. And yeah- a lot of us do feel sick at heart when we look at what’s become of our once great nation- and we want to make America better than it’s ever been- AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHY WE’RE VOTING FOR SANDERS. That’s why Bernie raised $33 million from over 2.5 million individual donors in the fourth quarter of 2015, that’s why he crushed Donald Trump in an online poll conducted by FOX NEWS, and that’s why he has come from total obscurity to force the whole conversation in the Democratic party to the left and has forced Hilary Republican Clinton to pay lip service to progressive issues- AND ALL OF THIS WITHOUT ONE WORD FROM YOU FUCKERS. You’re so busy falling over yourselves to breathlessly cover Trump’s latest burst of racist flatulence that you don’t see the revolution taking place right under your wet, brown noses.

But, of course, that’s exactly the way the DNC likes it. If the GOP was really serious about getting rid of Trump, they Cal Seething- 010416- debbiewould fire Reince Priebus and hire Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Hell, if she were running things over there, Trump would be as talked about as Martin O’ Malley and JEB! would have a double digit lead.

Not that Dear Leader Debbie would ever actually own up to squelching dissent. Why she would be aghast at the very thought! “How can you say that I’m insulating Hilary by not providing opportunities for opposing candidates to confront her in a debate. I scheduled SIX WHOLE DEBATES! And one of them is on the biggest TV viewing night of the year- the Saturday before Christmas! Surely everyone in America watched that debate. OK, so sure, a FEW people might have been going to holiday parties. And I guess there was just a teensy tiny portion of the population that might have been traveling to see family. Or preparing to travel. Or preparing to receive family traveling from out of town. Or cooking. Or shopping. Or decorating. Or out seeing the Nutcracker. Or Christmas Carol. Or A Christmas Story: The Musical. Or- oh yeah – fucking STAR WARS. But certainly there were still a lot of Americans at home watching TV who could see the debate. You know, unless they were watching Frosty the Snowman. Or college Bowl games. Or, oh yeah- fuckingCal Seething- 010416- frosty NFL FOOTBALL. But certainly it was the PERFECT debate viewing night for football hating Jews with no friends or family who think Star Wars is dumb- and, hey- those sound like Bernie Sanders’ people to me- so, there- you’re welcome! Of course, Bernie won’t have any way to reach these people when I take away his access to voter data due to some bullshit data breach- but, you know, rules are rules! Can’t be making exceptions- after all- you know how seriously Hilary takes data integrity!”

You really have to admire her style- she’s the Passive Aggressive Commandant of the Clinton Secret Police. Hilary should really keep her around if she comes to power. “Gosh- I’m sorry you’re stuck in Guantanamo Bay with no due process. The good news is that we’re planning to have a trial for you…on the Saturday before Christmas. Assuming of course, we can find a judge who isn’t traveling, or attending a holiday party, or watching football, or….”

But despite Data Breach Debbie’s machinations and Il Duce Trump’s blustering, Bernie continues to gain momentum. And so, if you Mainstream Media Whores are looking for a New Year’s resolution- how about covering the fucking Sanders campaign in 2016 and NOT TALKING ABOUT TRUMP ANYMORE. If you do that, I might just stop watching GSN in the morning and might actually watch the news.

But, of course, as soon as I do- I’ll see something that will scare me right back to Card Sharks like:

Reason #3: Crazy White People with Guns

I’ve covered this one pretty well in my last post– so really, all I want to add is that if 150 armed black people took over a federal building, the media would call them thugs and the cops would shoot them dead, and if 150 armed Muslims did it, the media would call them terrorists and the Army would invade Syria. But 150 armed white dudes Cal Seething- 010416- bundystorm in and take over a federal building- and the media calls them “protesters” and “patriots” and the government is all “well, let’s wait and see what happens here. I don’t think they pose any real threat- after all, it’s just an armed insurrection against the U.S. Government – it’s not like they attacked a CVS or something.” It’s like no matter how batshit crazy they are, we’re just incapable as a nation of thinking of white people as a threat – we just call them YallQueda and pinch their bearded cheeks and think the whole fucking thing is cute. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if TLC is developing a reality show around these maniacs- they can call it the Bundy Bunch (It’s a story/of a man named Bundy/who would graze his cows on land that’s not his own/and his son thought that the fedr’al gubment/it should be overthrown.) Don’t get me wrong- it’s not like I want this thing to escalate and get violent- I’m glad we’re taking a thoughtful, measured approach. I just look forward to us taking the same measured, thoughtful approach the next time Black Lives Matter organizes a peaceful protest at a shopping mall, or a 12 year old kid is seen holding a toy gun.

Also- I was sorry to see that they were so desperate to get snacks. I guess if they want crackers, they’ll have to resort to cannibalism.

Anyhow, I think you’ll agree that these were three perfectly good reasons to avoid reality in 2015, but by far and away, the best reason of all was:

Reason #4: Fear of Exposure to Star Wars Spoilers

For the love of God- I’m only human!

Actually, I’ve already seen it- so we’re all good with this one. And, I have to say- if you haven’t seen it yet- it’s chock full of surprises! C3PO coming out of the closet, Luke finally gets to Tosche Station to pick up those stupid power converters and, of course a reunion between the two lovers whose fleeting relationship was so touchingly portrayed in the original movies and sadly cut short (Leia and Jabba the Hutt)- and, of course, the cameo by Run DMC in the Cal Seething- 010416- leiaCantina (It’s Star Wars time in Tatooine / Han’s shooting Greedo in the Canteen…a)

OK- so now that I’ve seen Star Wars, that’s one less reason to avoid reality- but, no worries- there are still so many more! Climate change, economic inequality, the relentless attacks on Planned Parenthood, police brutality and all the other macro-aggressions. I wish those college activists all the luck in the world taking them on- and I would gladly join in the struggle with them- but, you know $25,000 Pyramid is on- and that shit takes FOCUS.

Happy New Year! I think 1986’s gonna be a great one- that is, of course, assuming WE DON’T ALL DIE. I can only hope the Bundys love their children, too. Now- who wants Taco Nuggets?

Cal Seething- 010615- dick

[California Seething] The Stupid Year’s Over- Here’s a Random List

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Holy shit, you guys- it’s almost 2015- can you believe it? I know I can’t believe it because I keep saying “2005” all the time. But Cal Seething- 122914- y2kthen, I’m hardly reliable when it comes to stuff like this- hell, I still wake up in a cold sweat wondering if my VCR is Y2K compliant. Remember Y2K! Ha! Remember how we were so incredibly freaked out and worried that something TERRIBLE AND APOCALYPTIC was gonna happen on January 1st 2000 and then the following September it totally did. Yeah. Good times. If we’d cared just half as much about tracking the terrorists enrolled in our flight schools as we did about making sure that we’d still be able to watch our old Animaniacs tapes in the new millennium then we might have been spared all that bloodshed and anguish and schmaltzy halftime spectacles where soldiers are brought out to surprise their tearful family on the field. I’m amazed they still find families who fall for the whole “surprise reunion” gag, but then I’m amazed anyone still joins the Army in the first place. Don’t get me wrong- I support the troops- hell, someone has to protect the cherished freedoms that we tortured so many people for- but I think we all know that being a soldier these days is an incredibly shitty job. Hell, isn’t that why we have to be so fucking grateful all the time? It’s not even like they get to go somewhere cool- there’s a reason nobody sings “How you gonna keep em down on the farmCal Seething- 122914- soldier after the’ve seen Fallujah?” And think of the miserable shit they have do over there- hell, if they were sipping Earl Grey and getting handjobs from doe eyed British nurses all day, we wouldn’t have to throw them parades, and let them go ahead of us in line when we’re boarding a plane. and clap when they walk into bars and all the other shit they do in Budweiser commercials to show their love for the poor sons of bitches who got their legs blown off as a thank you note for spreading the gift of democracy. A gift which the US has dispensed over the past decade like so many Christmas fruitcakes around the world- unwanted, hard to make and impossible to swallow.

So, right, anyhow- like I was saying- it’s almost 2015- which means it’s time for everybody to engage in their favorite meaningless end of the year rituals- hurray! For most, that means drinking til you puke and emptying your FSA account (Who wants Abilify?? I’m makin’ it rain at CVS, mothafuckaz. Keepin’ it real in Fiscal 15!). For me, though, as a semi-professional, totally unpaid and largely irrelevant blogger- it means putting together an arbitrary and totally random top 10 list. So- here you have it- since I’m not really sure I’ve seen 10 new tv series or 10 movies and I sure as hell haven’t bought 10 new albums- I decided to do the Top 10 Things I’m Seething Over in 2014.

#1. SONY Deciding to show The Interview after all

If there’s one thing that really gets my goat it’s a Chupacabra. Poor little Billy. He never stood a chance. But that’s a whole other story.

Anyhow, if there’s something else that really pisses me off it’s when I get myself whipped up into a rich, frothy, delicious foam of righteous indignant fury only to get exactly what I want before I have a chance to spew my hot, sweet rage all over the place (does anyone else want hot chocolate? Hot chocolate? Hot chocolate? Just me?) It’s absolutely one of the worst things that Cal-Seething--122914--punkycan happen- and I’m not alone in thinking so. White People Problems magazine has it as as #2 on their Top 10 of 2014. #3 is buying the absolute perfect Halloween dress for your newly adopted darling little Maltipoo only to find out it’s a size too small and the bastards at Petco won’t take it back cause they say she stretched it out and now I have to sue those motherfuckers because she has body image issues and her vet therapy bills aren’t covered by Bobamacare. And #1 is picking  up your precious little Maltipoo’s precious little poo in a  plastic bag in a park in San Francisco and trying to figure out which can to put it in. Cal-Seething--122914--trashIs it compost, cause- poop? Recycling cause- plastic? Or landfill cause- fuck it? Would it kill them to put a picture of dogshit on one of the cans? Cause what the fuck else are people throwing out in the park??? I mean thank god they have that picture of the broken Cal-Seething--122914--landfsaucer cause if the homeless-by-choice trustafrians and me decide to have a tea party with the crazy bitch yelling about Jesus and the phone company, and one of us breaks a piece of priceless delft china at least we’ll know which fucking trash can to put it in (Landfill. Fucked up right? They can’t recycle that Shit? No wonder the polar bears are dying.)

Yeah- so just imagine how frustrating it would be for me if just as I was getting ready to rant about the stupid trash cans some little Oompa Loompa came out with a paintbrush and added a picture of dogshit while singing rhymed cuplets (“what if you throw your recycling in trash?/the homeless will take it and trade it for cash”) and totally took away what I was pissed off about? That would suck , right? Well- it’s the same thing with this SONY crap.

Here I was brewing up a nice hot, dark, sweet, rich and creamy rant (Seriously- nobody wants hot chocolate?) about SONY’s pathetic cowardice and how we should screen the movie on the National Mall and show those North Koreans that the eagle isn’t Cal Seething- 122914- washingtonour national bird- the Washington Monument is- and we’re flipping it right in Kim Jong Un’s gouty little fucking face- and then- what does SONY do? They back down from their backing down and decide to show the damn movie after all- provided Obama cancels North Korea’s AOL account. (It’s about fucking time if you ask me- they’ve been stockpiling those Free 1000 Hour CD ROM’s over there since 95.) And there I am, with my proverbial dick in my proverbial hand all pissed off cause I’ve got nothing to be pissed off about. Man, that pisses me off! I mean, really I should be grateful to SONY since now that the movie’s been released I don’t have to see it- cause the only thing more American than having freedom is being too lazy to take advantage of it (this is also the slogan of the GOP’s new Koch the Vote campaign- a huge success in the midterms.) But instead all I feel is outrage. You know what I mean? Oh yeah you do- cause this is 20-fucking-14 and if you’re not pissed off about something- you’re not alive. Which brings me to my second thing:

#2. Pointless Outrage

When I was 19 and used to attend Indigo Girls concerts, I participated in a Women Take Back the Night march. To be clear, I RAY SALIERSdidn’t actually march since, being a man, I already had the night and it would have been gauche to try and also take it back. You don’t win Final Jeopardy and also ask for the home game. I stayed back with the other sensitive men and beleaguered boyfriends in a support circle. The idea was that we would talk earnestly about womyn’s issues while they were marching and then greet them with lit candles when they returned in a show of solidarity. It was a lovely notion, but unfortunately it was a windy night and the candles kept going out and as a result when the womyn returned they were greeted by a bunch of dudes with wax phalluses. But anyhow- while we were engaged in our earnest chat, one of us, a square headed meat log with Greek on his sweatshirt and Long Island in his voice shared an “aha!” moment that he had. While he was in his dorm room, someone came by selling “slap a JAP” (Jewish American Princess) t-shirts- and even though all his suitemates laughed and thought it was funny, he realized these shirts encouraged violence against women and told the guy selling shirts to “Fuck off!” We all nodded and shared our support, but then the stringy haired string bean leading the group said “It’s interesting that you chose to say ‘fuck’- which is a sexual word ,to express a violent idea” and instead of supporting and encouraging our frat boy friend for taking a stance- he crapped all over him for using the wrong word. And I remember watching this happen and thinking “Huh. FUCK YOU! There’s no way I’m going to participate in anything you organize ever again. I just hope I never live in a world where words are more important than actions, where everything we think and say is scrutinized for ideological correctness and where shitheads use semantics to feel superior. That would suck!” So….hey, everybody- Welcome to 2014!

Look, I get it- the things we say matter, we all have unconscious biases and good intentions aren’t enough. But just cause the road to hell is paved with good intentions it doesn’t mean the road to heaven is paved with self righteous dickitude. You keep reminding me that I’m an unconscious asshole- fine, I might as well just be one consciously, too and at least have some fun with it. And speaking of “fun”- when did we lose our ability to have any? I’m not talking about just liberals here, the one thing Americans on both sides of the aisle agree about is that the only way to react to anything they see, hear or read is to get their  panties in a twist- and if you just read this and are outraged that I said “panties in a twist” – well then, I might just be talking about you (I can rephrase it to “briefs in a bunch” if it makes you happy- or is that culturally insensitive to the plight of Wedgie Sufferers?) Seriously- when did we get so uptight? Is Social Media to blame? It’s true that Twitter accounts are like hemorrhoids-Cal Seething- 122914- magiceye no inflamed asshole is complete without one. And, of course, there’s academia- we used to stare at Magic Eye posters looking for dolphins and students today watch Two Broke Girls looking for White Privilege (I haven’t seen either). And, yeah, sure, if the media’s gonna fish for clicks by chumming the internet 24/7 then of course the dumber sharks will fight it out in the comment section.

But, regardless of the cause- I think we should make 2015 the year we all GET OVER IT. A scientist Tweets out a joke about Isaac Newton’s birthday on Christmas? GET OVER IT! A total stranger’s email is stolen and after you read it without her permission you don’t care for what she has to say in a PRIVATE conversation? GET OVER IT! Black James Bond? GET OVER IT! White Ramses II? GET OVER IT! The President who’s been busting his ASS for six years to save this nation of ingrates from the catastrophic stupidity of his predecessor, and has managed to get a hell of a lot done despite unprecedented opposition, wants to take his family to Hawaii for a week and play a GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE ROUND OF GOLF??? GET. OVER. IT!! #getoverit Just think how much better life would be if we as a nation just took a fucking chill pill. And- hey- I’ve still got money on my FSA- CHILL PILLS FOR EVERYONE! Wash ‘em down with an Abilify chaser and a warm mug of hot chocolate. Seriously-NO ONE???

Or- if you’re going to be righteously indignant all the time- at least be entertaining. Or, if you can’t be entertaining- at least be consistent, which brings me to:

#3 Islam-ipocracy

Quick impression of my fellow liberals (love you guys!)

White cop murders a black man through the use of excessive and unjustified force: This is an outrage! All cops are racists, power crazed, jackbooted thugs committing state sanctioned violations of human rights. We demand action!

Islamic radicals murder 140 people in a school, days after other Islamic radicals kidnap 100 young women, days after a different Islamic radical takes over a café in Australia:  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not jump to any Cal Seething- 122914- cafeconclusions. These are radical extremists who don’t represent Islam as a whole. And anyhow, we’re pretty sure it’s Israel’s fault.

So….yeah. Here’s the thing. If we’re going to say that the repeated incidents of violence and discrimination by police officers demonstrate that there is a deeply ingrained culture of bias and abuse that must be dealt with on a macro level (which, fuck yeah, it absolutely should) – then, why can’t we say that the far more frequent- and exponentially worse instances of violence and brutality committed by Islamic radicals, who are heavily funded by wealthy citizens and the governments of Arab nations, demonstrate that there is a deeply ingrained culture of extreme intolerance, unspeakable cruelty, vicious hatred and an utter lack of regard for human life in Islam today that needs to be dealt with on a macro level???? If we truly consider ourselves to be advocates for human rights- why aren’t we FUCKING ADVOCATING where it counts the most? Why are we less outraged by what’s happening in the Middle East as we are by who Ridley Scott casts to play Middle Easterners? Where are the cries for divestment to state sponsors of terror like Saudi Arabia and Qatar? Look, Qatar may be a great country when you’re stuck with a “Q” in Scrabble- but it’s a living hell for migrant workers (migrant workers playing Scrabble are conflicted.)

And, yeah, I know, all religions have their crazy extremists- but, come on here, when was the last time Westboro Baptist Church members strapped bombs to themselves and blew up a bus? And when was the last time Chabad committed a beheading on YouTube? Sure- Christianity had the Crusades back in the day and they were horrible. Fair enough. Tell you what- if the Pope starts sending armies of children to the Holy Land to be massacred, I’ll be the first to tweet about it. I’ll start working on the hashtags now (#CancelCrusades #TemplarLivesMatter)

Look, I’m not saying we should scream epithets at people wearing turbans or throw rocks through Muslim owned businesses. Of course that’s bigoted, wrong, and intolerant. I am just saying- we need to openly acknowledge that there is a very serious human rights crisis around the globe and that the international Islamic community needs to be held accountable. Oh, and that there is a whole lot worse shit happening in the Middle East than what’s going on in Israel- which brings me to another minor point of contention with my leftist comrades:

#4 Endlessly attacking the only island of democracy in the ocean of madness that is the Middle East is just plain silly. So…yeah- some of you may want to skip this part. Maybe read this inspiring article about Eight Ways You Can Improve Your Life in 2015 and meet me a little later.For the rest of you-  I’m not saying Israel is perfect- they’ve done their share of incredibly stupid things and have certainly not always dealt well with the Palestinian population- and for the mistakes they have made they need to be held accountable- no question.

But, imagine for a moment that Canada and Mexico refused to recognize the US and were hell bent on destroying it. Actually- no, Cal Seething- 122914- mapfuck that. Imagine that you lived in Rhode Island- no, no, no- wait- hold on it gets worse. Imagine that you lived in Rhode Island and that Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Maryland, Virginia, West Virginia, Ohio and Delaware were all totally committed to assuring your absolute destruction. I know what you’re thinking- OH NO- NOT DELAWARE! But yes-EVEN DELAWARE hated you and, when they failed to defeat you militarily, they turned to sponsoring waves of terror attacks, including suicide bombings and indiscriminate rocket firings from densely populated civilian areas. What would you do? Shut up. I’ll tell you what you would do. You would fucking defend yourself- you’re an American. We got attacked ONCE and turned the fucking world upside-down. And you know what, you’d probably make some mistakes, and some tragic shit would happen, and some of the wrong people would die because your enemies don’t care about the lives of their citizens and fire rockets from schools and hospitals- but, seriously, what the fuck are you supposed to do? No- please – enlighten me oh fucking enlightened ones- and tell me what the fuck, exactly, would you do?

Or, wait – how about this? If you believe that Israel is the real problem country in the Middle East- why not take a little trip around the area? Visit some of the neighbors. I hear Syria is beautiful at this time in history. Perhaps you could consult the local peaceful, moderate, Islamic religious authorities and have a little chat with them about gender equality, or gay rights, or religious tolerance, how important it is that the military be inclusive to transgender individuals  (like it is in Israel). Then, after a quick beheading, spend the weekend in Israel hitting the gay clubs in Tel Aviv, tanning topless on the beach in Eilat and protesting in Jerusalem without getting shot. Then, perhaps we can discuss human rights situation in the Middle East. Maybe having your head cut off will open your eyes.

Alright, I could go on at this point cataloging all the terrible stuff that happened this year and how mad it all makes me, but I’ll just save us all a lot of trouble and say:Cal Seething- 122914- injustice

#5 Absolutely all injustice committed by anyone against anyone at any place at any time ever from the beginning of the world to infinity.  It’s all very, very  bad.

And- oh yeah-  Guns (#5)what’s up with all the guns? Guns are dumb. We have the right to own grapefruit, too- but if you blabbed on all the time about how important grapefruit is and how the man is taking your grapefruit away and you stockpiled a basement full of grapefruit to assert your rights, everyone would just think you’re nuts. And, guess what? You kinda are.

And, oh oh oh, why does everyone always think my dog is a boy (#7)– It’s not enough she’s got body image issues, now you’ve gotta give her gender issues as well?? I don’t need a fuzzy little Shiloh Jolie Pitt on my hands, thank you very much, soCal Seething- 122914- shiloh just stick to “it” if you don’t know.

Alright- good enough- the Top Ten or, well, Seven Things I’m Seething About in 2014. Now I can just kick back and relax knowing I’ve spent all my FSA money in 2014 and I’m leaving nothing on the table. Wait- what? Our fiscal year ends in June? CRAP. Well- I guess I’ve got my first thing to be pissed about in 2015. Alright- now who wants to join me in a celebratory hot chocolate? OH COME ON!!!! Fuck y’all then.


Cal Seething- 122914- hotchoc

Want some now??? PSYCH! Happy Fucking New Year! Let’s bring back “psych” in 2015!

Awesome map above created by