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[Desert Droppings] Losing Site- Winning Sights

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Posted by :Ronni Sims On : September 19, 2014
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It’s official. Tesla finally announced the site for its $5 billion battery factory and it’s …NOT New Mexico! It’s Nevada.
Geez – just when we thought we could make the catch; hit one out of the park; score the TD ;  Gooooooooal!  (and any other sports Desert-091814-showgirlsmetaphors the even NM sports teams don’t merit.) Of course, if NM had sent Elon Musk a fleet of top-of-the-line Teslas bearing long limbed show girls dressed as topless giga batteries, maybe we’d have had a chance. I’m not saying Nevada actually did this, you understand, but if you’re in the mood to twitter this specious tidbit forward, go for it! Anyway, the best glitz play NM could have come up with would have been a Ford pick-up driven by the state Chile Pepper Princess with a gift basket of Indian fry bread and homemade salsa on the front seat.

In an effort to boost morale, Winthrop Quigley (I did not make that up!), ABQ Journal columnist, suggested that we blame not the Governor or the Democrats, but God! Because NM’s convoluted politics and bewildering business bureaucracy aside, the fact is God/Creator/Divine Source/plate tectonics/Big Bang Theory ( DD is totally non-denominational!) put NM 1000 miles from the Tesla factory in Fremont, CA and gave lithium (a battery mineral) deposits to NV.Desert-091814-god

It isn’t our fault NM got crammed between TX and AZ with a lifetime supply of roadrunners and yucca plants. Yeah! It’s God’s/Creator’s/ etc fault! And while we’re at it, blame You-Know-Who or What for NM’s dearth of beach front property, amber waves of grain, fruited plains, purple mountains maj…No, wait! NM and ABQ especially have got that purple mountain thing covered. Just ask any tourist who has tried to capture the lavendering of the Sandia Mountains at sunset on their iPhone.
But Tesla was looking for profits, not photo-ops, and so, in short, NM lost.

Take a breath, NM. Follow DD’s example and move on.
So, how about them UNM Lobos! (All NM sports teams are Lobos).  Ummmm….delete that.
It’s winners. WINNERS we want!

Speaking  of tourists, (ahhhh, that’s better),  ABQ and NM proved to be a winning choice for 4 guests who visited us recently. Our guests (family members ages 8, 11, and 40 something) easily found loads of unique local spots to keep them actively entertained.
Within an hour of their arrival, we found ourselves in an ABQ industrial park inside an old factory building that had been Desert-091814-coolconverted into a bouncing business called Cool Springz. The huge factory floor had been transformed into one immense trampoline where barefooted kids of all ages were happily jumping, flipping,bounding up the rubber walls, and diving into “foam pits” (holes in the floor filled with foam blocks). Our guests had a blast!! I had a bunch of questions.

While I may not be very neat and have been accused of having  a very slight tendency toward cluttering, I’m a nervous wreck when it comes to germs. I asked, “Do you think someone could catch foot fungus from all those bare feet pounding across this rubbery floor?” and “Do you think someone should sanitize those foam blocks after dozens of runny-nosed kids have burrowed around in them?”

After a bit of eye-rolling, in placating, syrupy tones, a grown-up guest earnestly described how the Lysol Fairy comes at night and sprinkles magic disinfecting dust that leaves every soft or springy surface sparkling and germ free.
Oh, ok. If a factory that once provided family-supporting employment to 100+ workers can be turned into a giant trampoline space that pays minimum wage to one cashier and one trampoline room “guard,” then, sure, I’ll believe in the Lysol Fairy!

From Cool Springz to hot springs! The next day, our guests set off on a trip to Jamez hot springs, a natural warm mountain mineral water pool.
“Do you think bathing with a bunch of strangers is…Oh, I get it! The Hot Springs Fairy…Great!”Desert-091814-magma

From the bubbling sulphur scented waters to a long dormant volcano- our guests traveled on to an awesome park ranger-led “Magma to Magpie” tour of Valles Caldera-a 12  mile wide volcanic crater in the midst of an 89,000 acre National Preserve.
“Do you think that volcano could suddenly become active?”
“Not a chance! Eye-roll. Eye-roll. “The Volcano Fairy, etc, etc.”
The caldera outing proved to be another winning adventure, just a relatively short drive from ABQ.

From the depths of the caldera, to the top of Sandia Peak! Our guests hopped on the Sandia Peak Aerial Tram for the 2.7  mile “flight” to a height of 10,378 feet! They had lunch at the High Finance restaurant, clambered down a highly precarious mountain trail, and braved a field of highly aggressive grasshoppers. (I was highly tactful  and didn’t ask any questions, did I, Mountain Fairy?) On the return flight, the Tram Guide proved by his frenzied over- the-top commentary, that he was even higher than the peak they’d just explored!Desert-091814-georgia

From marveling at mountaintop scenery to musing over scenes which depict NM’s desert landscape- our guests headed north to the Georgia O’Keeffe  Museum in Santa Fe. O’Keeffe loved NM and for years painted her favorite NM sites with her distinctive sense of form and color. It doesn’t take an Art Appreciation Fairy to know that her work is destined to be admired long after Tesla is a footnote in Wikipedia.

From an afternoon of culture to an evening of downhome kitsch- our guests excitedly drove to the NM State Fair in the heart of downtown ABQ. On the midway, against the wild glitter of a million neon lights, they careened around on the roller coaster, swirled out over the crowds  on this stomach churning swing thing, and spun in a saucer- shaped contraption  held in place, they assured me, by “centrifugal force.”Desert-091814-fair
“Do you think the safety inspector ch….ahhhhhhhhhhh! I can’t watch! Fair Fairy, get your butt over here!”
But all ended well with a successful smartphone search for a Greek restaurant open late on Central Avenue.

Our guests have now returned home to the east coast. They left behind a colorful plastic sculpture that resembles a fair ride, a set of sketches a la Georgia O’Keeffe, an eerie carved buffalo gourd, a solar powered cockroach, and a giga load of super terrific memories…
Oh, and an empty package from the ABQ Tortilla Co. – which our guests declared makes the best tortillas ever!

NM may be a loser in the Tesla- thon, but when it comes to tourism and tortillas, we’re tops!

Good luck, NV. May the  Tesla prize captured with $1.3 billion in ” economic incentives ” bring you everlasting fame and fortune.Desert-091814-val
“Do you think the giga factory  produces toxic waste?….Factory Fairy!”

[Desert Droppings] Tesla, You’ve been SFOOFED!

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Posted by :Ronni Sims On : August 6, 2014
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Tesla’s still not telling. Master manipulator…uh make that “marketer” (Bad, auto-correct!), Elon Musk has yet to announce the location of his $5 billion battery Gigafactory for which five states including NM are competing. Its potential location is generating Desert--080614--abqjournalmore rumors and speculation than Area 51.

No, I didn’t say they were breaking ground in Area 51. What? You already put it out on Twitter  #aliensruntesla. Fine. Wolf Blitzer’s on his way there now? And Tesla stock is soaring? Wow! Social Media sure beats an article in the “Enquirer.”

Meanwhile, rumors aside, ABQ, in an economic slump compared to glitzy, populous, popular cities like Dallas, Phoenix, and LA is trying to bolster its spirits with determinedly upbeat optimistic words from the NM Economic Development Department.  NM is “very much in the game.” Sure, if the game means pandering shamelessly to a guy whose $70,000 electric cars most New Mexicans can’t even afford. Still, NMEDD wants us to know that they’ll “continue to work aggressively (ie give Tesla zillions in bri….incentives) to make NM the home of Tesla’s Gigafactory. All this rah rah rhetoric and not a single word about what a “giga” is. It sounds like a computer generated monster menace straight out of SyFy.Desert-080614-tomato

“Gigapig vs Killer Tomatoes – BLTs will never be the same!”

“Attack of the Gigasaurus- Cancel Mass Ascension during Balloon Fiesta?! Are you cra…STOMP!”

How about “Gigabiters- Tesla groundbreaking unleashes the fury of vengeful mutant prairie dogs!”

And speaking of SyFy, while Tesla tests our patience and our purses, dangling  its prize just out of reach of our greedy, grasping fingers, let’s not forget  ABQ’s and NM’s love of all things show biz.  We are after all, aspiring to be Hollywood adjacent by encouraging TV and movie production here. So, Tesla or no Tesla, here’s my plan for a sure fire ABQ based Sy Fy project. NMEDD, are you listening?

I’ve actually done some serious research. Over the last week, I watched “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus,” “Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus,” “Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark,” and “Mega Piranha.” (Mega schmega, Murray, we gotta break even on this meshugganah fish gizmo you bought! ) I also watched “Malibu Shark Attack,” “Sharknados 1&2,” and the best of the bunch, “Jersey Cal Seething- 080614-joeyShore Shark Attack” (Ya gotta see this one, ya know. Joey Fatone – Chomp!) I’m afraid to pour a glass of water for fear of what might jump out!

Listen up, ABQ. Here’s what I learned. Enough with the fish! SyFy is ripe for a new genre of animal and plant monster flicks and ABQ is a desert town with animals and plants just waiting for their close-ups. And the great part – no need to recruit screenwriters who will charge big bucks and pontificate over the existential symbolism of chainsaws and shark storms. No way! Just gather a bunch of bright 12 year olds with iPads in a garage ” incubator.” Let them brainstorm with the TA DA …SyFy Originals Originating Formula! Faster than you can say, “SFOOF!” you’ve got a pile of $aleable SyFy scripts taller than Godzilla.

SFOOF is a simple script synthesizer:

Weird or catastrophic event + violent transformed animal or plant (extinct is ok)=total, bloody low budget computer enhanced chaos to thrill audiences around the world.

Toss in an aging actor from an iconic 80’s tv show surrounded by a bevy of barely clothed cuties  (male and female. – acting experience optional) and folks, it’s show time!  To get those 12 year old’s creative juices flowing,here are a few examples of SFOOF in action. (Remember, no fish!)Desert- 080614- humming

“Slumming Birds” – Humming birds sip nectar from flowers in an urban park that has been contaminated by toxic waste from an evil Gigafactory. The birds are transformed into flying demons who threaten gentrification efforts in an apologetically dismal downtown.

“Yuccasuckers” – NM’s state plant, the yucca, takes root in soil from a vampire’s coffin. (Of course it could happen. Don’t you people watch “True Blood”?) The usually passive plant becomes the root of all evil and drains its  victims dry. “Dracula”meets “Little Shop of Horrors.”

Yes!

Get the idea? Oh, you’re concerned about the logic of these plots? Logic? We don’t got no stinkin’ logic! If a cloudburst over Manhattan can become carnivorous and the SFOOFtacular Sharktopus can battle Pteracuda, then “logic” is just another name for “boring science stuff they show on PBS when there’s no pledge drive.” Down with STEM! Up with SFOOF!  Did Sharknado’s creator Thunder Levin worry about logic? (If Thunder is his real name, then I’m Cloudy-With-A-20%-Chance-Of-Rain Sims!)

Hasta la vista SyFy. Say adios to the sharks and get ready for the freaky flora and fauna of ABQ.

C’mon kids. Let’s get this SFOOFin’ show on the road!Desert- 080614-syfy

Imagine greater!

 

[Desert Droppings] Welcoming Bubba and Bacon While Waiting for Tesla

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Posted by :Ronni Sims On : May 28, 2014
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Did it come yet?
Not yet.Desert- 052814- godot
It’s almost June.
Groundbreaking in June.
Will the ground break here?
We’re waiting to hear.
Is that a messenger running to tell us?
No, that’s a candidate running for NM governor.
Will he tell us?
He’ll tell us something.
What will he tell us?
Whatever we want to hear.
Then, we’ll just wait a little longer.
Until Tesla texts?
Until then.
We ‘ll wait.

This Godot-esque improv was brought to you by wishful thinking. Every morning I rush to open The Albuquerque Journal hoping to find page one proclaiming:

“Tesla Talks! NM Chosen To  Charge-Up New Battery Factory.”

But, so far, not even a hint of the hoped-for headline.
Meanwhile, while waiting for Tesla, ABQ (aka Duke City) is about to say a big “Hola!” to Bubba- Bubba’s 33, to be exact.  Bubba’s 33 Desert- 052814- bubbais a “budding restaurant chain.” (If by ‘budding’ you mean one restaurant with a second in process.). This nascent “chain” (pardon the blatant “Shark Tank” inspired entrepreneurial hyperbole ) chose ABQ because “Albuquerque supports restaurants very well.” Hmmmm I guess that’s a compliment.  And what culinary delights will Bubba’s 33 add to ABQ’s cuisine scene?  Let’s see.  “Bubba’s 33…sports fans…more TVs than tables…blah blah…pizzas, hamburgers, and beer…blah blah.”  And we should all rush out to “support” yet another pizza/burger/ sports bar because…?  Oh, oh, here it is, the Bubba’s 33 offering that will make ABQ foodies flock to feast – the Bubba’s 33 “signature hamburger that features 33 percent ground bacon.” Way to go, Bubba’s!  The 4 fave food groups in one heart-stopping dish- salty, fatty, crispy, and greasy.  Bubba, my friend, you’ll sell hundreds, thousands maybe!
ABQ is a town where a sign outside Lotta Burger, a local “chain” urges us to “Keep Calm and Eat a Bacon Burrito,” while way at theDesert- 052814- keepcalm upper end of the dining spectrum, a gastropub (whatever the heck that is) called The Stumbling Steer, receives “Albuquerque, The Magazine’s ” 2014 “Hot Plate” award for its fried pork bits dusted with dried apple sugar and dipped into a whipped Greek yogurt sauce by which the magazine gushes, “Bacon has been elevated to an art form…”

A Pig-asso, perhaps?

Continuing our stroll through the pork, we encounter a science selection from The Washington Post emailed by a friend  whom I’ve designated a roving reporter for DD because he’s a master of ( Alliteration  Alert!) Ferreting out and Forwarding Fascinating Flora and Fauna Factoids.
This particular article described how the US deals with invasive animal species.
The term, “invasive species” doesn’t refer to your boorish cousins from Oshkosh who got drunk at your Memorial Day BBQ and barfed in your neat-freak neighbor’s pool!
No, invasive species are the weeds of the animal kingdom. With few natural enemies, they tend to crowd out or devour more Desert- 052814- hogsdesirable native species. According to the article’s author, Ramit Plushnick-Masti (That’s his? her? real name!), one way to reduce a burgeoning population of invasive animal species is to get the over abundant interlopers out of the bush and onto the buffet table.  Case in point- feral hogs who are apparently a threat to agriculture in Texas. (And since NM borders on Texas, we definitely don’t want those wild piggies wandering over here and sticking their snouts into our green chile patches.) The article points out that these lusty hogs reproduce so rapidly that catching and cooking them hardly diminishes their numbers.  To which I say,”Hogwash! You’re just not trying!”  Stop thinking ham hocks and pork chops and declare open season on “wild-caught bacon!”  What better treat to put in your “as seen on TV” microwave bacon racks  and bacon bowl molds?
Save the elk! Conserve the cougar!  Point trigger happy hunters toward the frantically fornicating feral hogs and let them bring home the wild – caught bacon. BLTs will never be the same!

I’d nearly completed this post, when I discovered  a serendipitous find in the clearance bin at Staples- a 2014 “I (heart) Bacon” wall calendar.  I took it wee wee wee wee wee allllll the way home, so we could pig out on bacon trivia and recipes until the sows comeDesert- 052814- bacon home.
Here are a few choice morsels to savor while the Bacon-Chicken Crescent Ring bakes ( and, yes, it’s made with refrigerated crescent rolls and canned chicken ).
“Bacon is addictive. It contains 6 types of umami. Umami produces an addictive neurochemical response.”
U mean u mommy served u bacon and eggs, but wouldn’t let u smoke pot!
And
“A pig’s tail can be kinky, straight, or curly.”
Just like the Three Stooges.
And
“Almost half of the fat in bacon is the ‘good fat’ that can actually help lower bad cholesterol.”
Yeah , believe that one when pigs fly!

Well, blog buddies, that’s the way the bacon crumbles.Desert- 052814- porky
In the immortal words of cartoon icon, Porky Pig, ” Badeep, Badeep, Badeep, That’s all folks!”

[Desert Droppings] – Spam, Rats, and Pastrami: Food for Thought from the ABQ

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Posted by :Ronni Sims On : March 19, 2014
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As a finalist in Tesla’s $5 billion battery factory competition, NM is anxiously adjusting her implants, curling her extensions, and Desert-031914-journalstretching her swimsuit just so. “Does this Mesa make my butte look big?” We want that factory soooooo badly (even though NM law prohibits Tesla Motors from selling its cars directly to consumers. Oops!)

Don’t you mind that legal lingo,though, Tesla. A few bucks to the right folks and that law will evaporate quicker than a summer shower on a rocky xeriscaped yard. Just look up there – immense blue sky, lavender mountain sunset, tantalizing whiff of roasting chile. You want it, Tesla. You know you do.

But, so far, no word from Mr. Musk…sigh.

Hey, ABQ and NM, always look on the bright side. We do have a state winner  straight out of Monty Python. An ABQ fourth grader is the 2014 national grand prize  Spam recipe winner in the kid’s division. Her dish, a breakfast concoction called “Nutty Spam Surprise,” combines Spam Classic, eggs, cream,peanut butter, white sandwich bread, and apples for a heart-stopping way to start the day. According to an ABQ Journal “UpFront” article by columnist Leslie Linthicum, this junior chef comes from a whole Spamily. Her kinfolk have garnered “19 Spam contest ribbons” in the past 9 years!  “Nutty Spam Surprise” was inspired by the winner’s grandmother’s
“grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. ”

OK- Time out for transparency! I have never purchased a can of Spam. I have no idea what Spam looks like or how it tastes. As DD fans know, my family reveled in chopped liver, chicken fat, and pickled tongue. Pork products like Spam were not on my grandmother’s menu.

So, in the spirit of online journalistic accuracy, (weird concept, I know) I am now about to open a 12oz. can of Spam Classic.    Desert-031914-spam2Ooooooh! It’s as pink as a piggy’s bottom! The slightly gelatinous block can be easily sliced, cubed, or julienned. The better to mix with mac and cheese as the can suggests, or fried with onions, potatoes, and chile as the young winner’s family does.

Will I fry, bake, or microwave my Spam…or perhaps, toss some cold, bubblegum-hued cubes into a salad?  Sorry, but no. I still don’t eat Spam’s main ingredients, “pork with ham.”
What’s that about anyway, Hormel? I thought ham was a form of pork. It’s like saying,”pasta with Spaghetti-Os,”or  “fish with canned tuna,” or, SEGUE ALERT “rats with gelatin and grape jelly!”

With its 16g of fat, 790 mg of sodium, and 180 calories in a  2oz serving, not to mention its 2year  4 month nitrite-fueled shelf life, Desert Droppings- 031914- ratSpam is the ideal food to keep on hand for the Zombie Apocalypse. And that  brings us to the “rats” featured in this post’s title.
Apparently, live rats make good Zombie snacks – sort of like rodent flavored Beggin’ Strips. Dangle a plump rat by the tail to be slurped up by a voracious Zombie, and you’ve made a rotten friend for life …or un-life….or something.

To avoid revealing this week’s intense episode of The Walking Dead, I’ll say no more.  Except- in the behind the scenes section of The Talking Dead,  we learned that the “rat” was really an “edible prop” made of gelatin and filled with grape jelly. What?!  They’re not real Zom…they’re actors! You knew that, right? Sorry!  Yes, yes, they’re real- every bit as real as …ABQ pastrami.

In the years before I could tell a jalapeño from a habanero, there was pastrami – rich, red, fatty slabs stacked sky high on robust ryeDessert-031914-pastrami slices with sauerkraut- a staple of the Carnegie Deli; sold by the deliciously greasy pound at Zabar’s. Pastrami!
ABQ has no true delis, but when I saw pastrami sandwiches for sale at a local synagogue fundraiser, I brought one home. Between two slices of soft, pre-packaged, straight from the supermarket rye bread, was a clump of cooked meat bits in a dark BBQ sauce. Tasty in a tangy southwestern, meat-bit sandwich kind of way, but one more reminder that ABQ is a long way from Zabar’s…sigh.

Mr. Musk, I hope you like our green chile chicken stew.