Been & Going

[Parrot News]- Sorry, Your Parrot Doesn’t Count as a Licensed Driver

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Like most gods, the Gods of Parrot News are sometimes benevolent and sometimes cruel. Fortunately, this past week, they have chosen to be kind and to rain fantastic parrot stories upon me- which sort of makes up for the fact that the California Rain Gods have completely abandoned us. I mean, sure, the lack of rain in California threatens the water supply of the 38 million people who live here and could potentially undermine the 12th largest economy in the world, while the bonanza of parrot news stories really Parrot News- 020414- maxjust benefits me and the seven people who read this fucking blog- five of which are X-Games fans who thought this was a fan site for snowboarder Max Parrot. Have you seen the X-Games by the way? It’s crazy! It’s like ESPN made a whole pseudo-Olympics out of stuff my mother never let me do. All they need to do is add “going outside with no coat”, “walking home under a bridge in the dark” and “smoking weed in the basement” and it would be perfect.  Anyhow, my point is that everything all balances out and there were some great parrot stories. Here’s one that particularly spoke to me:

A woman in Yorkshire was pulled over on the M62 (freaky British freeway). The Bobbies (freaky British police) discovered that she had only a “provisional license” (freaky British Learner’s Permit) and that there was no licensed driver in the car with her, as is required by law, only her pet parrot who did not even have a Driver’s License.  The Bobbies then proceeded to Tweet out a picture of the parrot with a  warning that parrots are “NOT AUTHORIZED TO SUPERVISE LEARNER DRIVERS” and this sort of behavior would not be tolerated. I’m sure that ALL of the Provisional License holding parrot owners who follow the West Yorkshire police on Twitter are quaking in their trainers (freaky British sneakers. Sketchers, probably. With, like heels and shit. Seriously, what is wrong with those people?) I know I’m certainly grateful for them for Tweeting this, cause when I first saw this article, I thought “Of course! It’s perfect! Why haven’t I thought of this before?? I don’t need a Driver’s License – I just need a parrot who can ride around with me at all times. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this idea whatsoever!” So thank God the West Yorkshire Police set me straight or my parrot and I would have been in hot water and nobody likes parrot soup. Not even the British.


Now I know all of you “Driver’s License” having people are probably getting a good laugh at this poor woman’s expense. Don’t deny it! I can see you there- sitting back smugly in a smoking jacket, glass of Congac in one hand, steering wheel in the other, just tittering away at the stupidity:

“Titter-titter-titter- Why what kind of idiot would posssssibly think it was acceptable to drive with a parrot and a Learner’s Permit? Titter-titter-titter- Oh- wait- I’ll tell you what kind of idiot- the kind who doesn’t have a Driver’s License. Titter-titter-titter. Titter-titter-titter.  Titter-titter-titter WHOA!!! Sorry!! That was close. I almost spilled my Cognac. Titter-titter-titter.”

Me, though, I’m a lot more sympathetic to this woman. As the holder of numerous Loser’s Permits over the years (the permit is good for one year only. If you don’t get your license during that time and want to renew, you simply need to take a written test consisting of 20 multiple choice questions and a 500 word essay on the subject of “No, seriously dude, what is you FUCKING PROBLEM??”) I understand what she was going through that night. Just picture it- you’re home alone with your parrot. You’ve had the same conversation over and over and over again and now you’re seriously getting on each others’ nerves (you can substitute “parent” for “parrot” if that helps). There’s a party up in Ripon or Trent or one of the other towns that Branson’s always going off to so he can meet the new Pig Man and catch Rose kissing a black guy and it’s right up the M62 from your house and you could be there in like 10 minutes but there’s no one around to give you a ride. And you’ve got a perfectly good car at your disposal which you can TOTALLY almost sort-of drive but there’s not a licensed driver around who can ride with you so what are you supposed to do??? Go through the whole “who’s a pretty girl routine?” for the 10,000th time with Polly – or grab the keys, shove Polly’s cage in the front seat and ride up the M62 for freedom! And by “freedom” of course, we mean room temperature beer and blood pudding. England sucks.

So, I think you’ll agree with me that her actions were totally justifiable. The only thing I would just question- and I’m just clarifying here- not correcting- is why did she bring a parrot? Did she think that if the police pulled her over they would just be like “well, on the one hand, she’s an unlicensed driver putting other drivers at risk on the motorway by driving illegally on the motorway with a parrot instead of a licensed driver as required by law. On the other hand I LOVE PARROTS! Who’s a pretty girl? Who’s a pretty girl? Let’s just let her go”.

Or –maybe she’s just one of those crazy people who bring a parrot with them everywhere they go. Which I’m starting to learn from Parrot News happens a whole lot more often than you might think. The worst part is, she’s still going to get her fucking Driver’s License before me. CRAP! I’ve got to get that parrot.


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