Been & Going


[Parrot News] Parrot Races Dog. Yeah, You Heard Me.

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If you read Parrot News regularly (which, I admit, would be much easier to do if I bothered to write it) you know I hate birds. And, while I don’t think I’ve ever expressed this opinion (which makes it one of only three that I haven’t expressed – the other two being my paradoxical love of Rice Krispie treats and dislike of marshmallows. I’m soooo deep! It’s totes cray. I promise to never, ever say that again.) I doubt it will come as a shock to hear that I don’t really like cutesy animal videos unless they were directed by Alfred Hitchcock. But even Tippi Hedren couldn’t hate the little yellow bird in this video unless of course it was dead and stuffed and thrown at her over and over again by sadistic PA’s for a solid week until she gave the perfect “terrified” response while Hitchcock looked on eating greasy fried chicken and said “just one more take, Tippi” in the most condescending way imaginable- in which case, sure, I could see that she might start to hate it- but, otherwise- there’s no way even she could resist the charms of this plucky yellow parrot and you won’t either. You just have to watch the video and see how it pulls itself up the stairs on woefully inadequate legs with great effort and determination like a T-Rex doing pushups or a border collie reading Great Expectations.
With its eyes focused on the summit like beadie little lasers, tail flipping ferociously from side to side like the useless rudder of little yellow boat the bird repeats over and over again one single mantra it its mind “This would be so much fucking easier if I could fucking fly. This would be so much fucking easier if I could fucking fly. THIS WOULD BE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FUCKING EASIER IF I COULD FUCKING FLY”
Finally- with the summit in sight and success within the grasp of its tallons, the bird breathes deep the thin mountain air of the second floor and prepares for victory- when it’s cruel mistress, perhaps channeling a the vengeful spirit of Tippi Hedren who’s not actually dead but shut up, releases the DOG. Before you can say “parrots are icky” the little white fluff ball bounds up the steps effortlessly on four REALLY, REALLY GOOD LEGS and humiliates the parrot by reaching the top of the steps first and easily winning a race that, let’s keep it real, neither animal knew they were actually running.
And don’t feel guilty when watching this video. The owner isn’t some sadistic bitch who clipped the wings off a bird and then made it run up a flight of stairs for her sick amusement (although admittedly that is amusing. HA! Crippled bird’s gotta use it’s puny legs. HA HA! That’s like a pole vaulting midget.). Nope- she’s just a lonely woman with an absurd amount of time on her hands who trained a bird with two perfectly good wings to run up a flight of stairs on its scrawny little useless legs and then has it run a race it can’t possibly win against a dog. Which…I guess sort of makes her a sadistic bitch after all. And sad. Very very sad.. Hmmm. Oh well. Enjoy!

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