Been & Going

[Parrot News] The Devil Wears Parrot

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During the recent inauguration ceremony for the Miami Official Walk of Fame, Anne Hathaway’s hair was pecked vigorously by the overly enthusiastic parrot she was posing with for pictures.

Wait, what?

Let’s take this piece by piece, shall we:

There’s a Miami Official Walk of Fame? Yes! Well, now there is anyhow. It’s at the Bayside Marketplace, a “festival marketplace”, featuring “exciting shopping, dining and entertainment” in Downtown Miami.

So it’s at a mall? No no no no no no no no! It’s an “arts and entertainment district at Bayside Marketplace” which is known as “one of South Florida’s Parrot News- 040114- baysideprime hospitality and tourism destinations and a vital economic growth engine for Miami.”

So…it’s at a mall? Yes.

And, who’s in this Miami Official Walk of Fame? All sorts of Big Time Celebrities! “The Official Miami Walk of Fame immortalizes some of the entertainment industry’s biggest names, many who are hometown celebrities in entertainment, television, theater, sports, music and others, chosen by a selection committee of industry peers.”

So…? Everybody! Andy Garcia! Jamie Foxx! Uhm….the animated movie Rio 2. And….oh…. Romero Britto.

Romero Britto? What has he done? Lots of stuff! Like…uhm…well- for one thing he designed the Official Miami Walk of Fame Star.Parrot News- 040114- miamistar

And they paid him by giving him a star? Well….yeah..he also gets a free Bloomin’ Onion at the Bayside Marketplace Outback and 15% off entrees at the Cheesecake Factory

SWEET!!! Yeah, I know, right. I wish I had designed that star. I love Bloomin’ Onions.

Anyhow- so… OK, so right- Anne Hathaway was attending the inauguration of the Official Miami Walk of Fame – where they were giving the very first stars to Andy Garcia, Jamie Foxx and Rio 2.

Wait wait wait wait wait- NOT DAVID CARUSO?????????? I know. It’s a fucking outrage.Parrot News- 040114- caruso

And Anne Hathaway got a star? Well…not exactly. She didn’t get her own star. She was just honored as part of Rio 2.

That’s very sad. Yeah, so, Anne Hathaway was posing for pictures with a parrot at the ceremony when the parrot got out of control and started nibbling at her short hair.

So….why was she posing with a parrot again? I guess she does a voice of a parrot in Rio 2.

Oh. And why does she still have that haircut? You’re on your own with that one, dude.

They probably told her it was for Les Miz 2. Totally- she’ll believe anything. Just say it to her with an Italian accent.

Alright- so- let me get this straight- Academy Award winner Anne Hathaway was at some bullshit ceremony in some bullshit mall for some bullshit Walk of Fame, where she wasn’t even getting her own star, posing for pictures with some bullshit parrot to promote some bullshit sequel to a bullshit cartoon when the parrot attacked the hair which she cut really short for the movie that she won the Academy Award for- just as a reminder about how wrong things have gone for her since she won? – Yup.

Wow That’s like the saddest thing I’ve ever hear. Did she get paid?  Yes! Well, Garcia gave her some Bloomin’ Onion.Parrot News- 040114- garciaeating

SWEET!! So, that’s a great story. I guess- I mean, there are a lot of people I would much rather see get attacked by a parrot- like Gweneth Paltrow, for instance- who wouldn’t want to see a parrot consciously uncouple her eyes from their sockets.

And Jenny McCarthy- hey, I hear she’s not vaccinated for Bird Flu! Uhm, there’s no vaccination for…  shut up.

The best would be Suey Park– who? – you know, the Twit-iot who started the whole #CancelColbert crap– oh yeah! We could sic an African Grey on her and when she screams, we’ll call her a racist (high five) #SueyHatesAfricans #NotYourParrotSidekick #PhightParrotPhobia

Nevertheless, the parrot chose to go after Anne Hathaway. Yeah. Maybe in the future, someone truly deserving will be attacked- like maybe Dear Parrot will let Kim Jung Un know just what he thinks of the Official Haircut, or maybe Putin will make an ill-advised foray into parrot wrestling. BTW, Vlad- when North Korea, Syria and Sudan are the ones who agree with you,  that just makes you seem more crazy.  I mean- you want Westboro Baptist Church protesting your funeral- not showing up with flowers and a tuna casserole.Parrot News- 040114- kim That’s as bad as having Michelle Malkin promote your hashtag!

And – don’t forget the Kardashians- Oh yeah! Don’t even tempt me with Hitchcockian visions of parrots descending on Calabasas to punish humanity for our terrible taste in reality show stars.

For the time being, though, we’ll have to content ourselves with Anne Hathaway.  Well- she did host those terrible Oscars with James Franco- That’s right! Now, hey, James Franco- there’s someone who could really use a good parrot attack. Then again, if he did, he’d just write a poem about it- and then we’d all have to suffer. So…sorry, Anne. I guess you’re just taking a parrot attack for the team. If I were you, I’d pass on Rio 3. God knows what kind of horrible critters she’d have to pose with.

The inauguration of Miami’s first-ever Walk of Fame




Parrot News- 040114- anneandy







Here’s a link to the story- if you’re curious:

[Parrot News] Murder, It Squawked

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The Indian media lately has been positively buzzing with stories of Hercule, the crime solving parrot, I guess because cricket season hasn’t started yet and Indians are all kind of Ukraine-Shmukraine – whatevs.  I hate the fact, BTW, that the correct way to refer to it is not “the Ukraine” but just “Ukraine.” It just makes me sound like I can’t speak English when I say it.  I mean, how am I supposed to say “I go to Cal Seething- 031714-yakovUkraine” and not sound like Yakov Smirnov or a cat-stroking James Bond villain. Or…Yakov Smirnoff AS A CAT STROKING JAMES BOND VILLAIN. IT’S BRILLIANT! Get me my Petition hat, Mama- and warm up the THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.

Anyhow, as the crime fighting parrot story goes, Neelam Sharma and her pet dog were murdered in Agra as Hercule looked on silently. While Agra PD were interviewing suspects in the presence of Hercule (in India you have the right to remain silent and you may have a parrot present during questioning. If you can’t provide a parrot- one will be provided for you) the police noticed that Hercule would react violently every time Sharma’s nephew Ashutosh’s name was mentioned. Trained as they are to carefully observe the behavior of parrots during questioning, the police decided to call in all the suspects to meet with Hercule. Sure enough, when Ashutosh met with Hercule- Hercule began screeching “He killed! He killed!” Confronted with this insurmountable evidence, Ashutosh naturally crumbled and confessed to the murder. Another case solved for Hercule Parrot! And- oh yes. The name is really Hercule Parrot. Evidently Jessica Feather was taken.

Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here and think the Indian police make a habit of consulting with parrots about their cases. Why, the crusty, hard-headed Homicide Lieutenant in Agra didn’t even want Hercule’s help- he even called Hercule a “meddling old bird”. But Hercule insisted on participating in the investigation- especially once his nephew was falsely accused and arrested for the crime, and the gruff, stubborn Homicide Lieutenant had no choice but to listen to the crime solving bird. Once Hercule figured out who the killer was, he had the tough, set-in-his-ways Homicide Lieutenant call all the suspects together at a Parrot News- 031714-morgandinner party in a traditional English country house, one of many just outside Agra (India’s Yorkshire) so that he could confront all the suspects. One by one, Hercule masterfully ruled them all out- including the most obvious suspect- Sharma’s hot-headed, violent ex-lover Sanjeev MacGuffin and his voluptuous, scheeming, gold digging wife Morgan Fairchild.  Finally, he reached mild mannered Ashutosh. Ashutosh- who never harmed a fly. Ashutosh- the last person anyone would ever suspect. Ashutosh- who bears a striking resemblance to Roddy McDowell.

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: Surely you must be joking.

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: Why that’s absurd. I think your parrot imagination is running away with you.Parrot News- 031714-roddy

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: Interesting theory. Too bad you can’t prove a word of it.

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: Alright. Yeah. I killed her. I didn’t mean to. (FLASHBACK ALERT!) I was just breaking into the house to take some of her jewels so I could pay off my gambling debts. She wasn’t supposed to be home for hours. But then she came back unexpectedly and that dog- he wouldn’t stop barking. I tried to reason with her, I pleaded with her, I begged her not to call the police but she just wouldn’t listen to reason. Then I looked down. I saw that I was holding that really sharp, pointy, super-heavy trophy she always kept on her desk for some baffling reason and before I knew what I was doing I was stabbing her with it. Over and over and over again. And once that was done, well I couldn’t take any chances, so I had to shut up that dog, too. The only mistake I made was leaving you alive Hercule- but that’s not a mistake I’m going to make again (pulls out gun)

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: That’s right I killed! And you’re out of your parrot mind if you think I’m going to jail for it. You think I’m afraid to use this gun? One murder- five murders- what’s the difference? They can only hang me once!! I’ll kill everyone who gets in my way! They’ll never take me alive! I’ll murder each and every one of you!!!

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!Parrot News- 031714-roddy2

Ashutosh realized he’s got nowhere to run to. With tears in his eyes, he surrenders his gun to the ornery, obstinate Homicide Lieutenant.  Hercule looks on with great sadness and shakes his head slowly.

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

So there you have it. All the details of the story- just the way it happened. Oh- except Hercule’s real name is Hira. And he didn’t solve the case at all. And everything I said above is a complete lie based on wild exaggerations from the Indian media. Everything. Ashutosh doesn’t look anything like Roddy McDowell. He’s really much more of a Ken Howard type.Parrot News- 031714-ken

Still, regardless of the petty details- the moral of the story remains the same- and that moral is: “leave the dog and kill the parrot.” Oh God, wait, that’s a terrible moral – you shouldn’t kill any of the pets. Or people! Don’t kill people, either. Don’t kill anyone. There. That’s the moral. Don’t kill anyone. Yeah, that’s it.

But you know, sometimes shit happens- I mean, pobody’s nerfect and all that- so if you do just HAPPEN to kill someone, then you’d better hope the cops don’t have the parrot in the room when they’re questioning suspects. Cause no matter how careful you think you’ve been, take it from Ashutosh, there’s no escaping the clutches of Hercule Parrot or Jessica Feather. Or even plain old Hira. Cause, when it comes to parrots, there’ s no such thing as a perfect crime.

Also, I hope to God cricket season starts soon because CLEARLY the Indian media has too much time on its hands. Maybe they could help find the Malaysian airliner or something? Hey – you know who that sounds like a job for, don’t you?


Crap I was hoping to find an adorable picture of a parrot in a Sherlock Holmes hat here, but I couldn’t so you’ll just have to imagine it and my Photoshop skills are too shitty to make one. So here’s a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch’s butt instead. Enjoy!

Parrot News- 031714-benedict

Oh yeah- and here’s my post about Murder, She Wrote which I mostly ripped off here.




[Parrot News]- The Pope, The Porn Star and The Parrot

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So, there I was, scrolling through my Parrot Google News update past all the Jimmy Buffet fan articles and articles about snowboarder Max Parrot (actually pronounced “Perro” and should rhyme with “French Canadian asshole”), and I come across this article from Fox News about Pope Awesomesauce the First blessing a parrot. So I click on it, and most of the article is about the animal rights activists that are protesting the release of doves from the Vatican window as a symbol of peace. Evidently, the doves Parrot News- 021814- dovesare domesticated and can’t survive in the wild and so two doves were killed by a crow and a seagull as soon as they were released. And I guess they’re all bent out of shape cause in one gory moment, an innocent symbol of peace and goodwill turned into a complicated lesson about martyrdom and a grim allegorical warning for aspiring peacemakers about the grisly death they will most certainly face- but hey- martyrdom- there’s nothing more Catholic than martyrdom! Who doesn’t love being a martyr? Apparently, not the doves. And, let’s be clear, it’s NOT FUNNY AT ALL. NOT ONE BIT.  “Fly, innocent dove of peace, fly free and spread your message of OH MY GOD NO!!!!” SHREEK SHREEK SHREEK. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. BURP. Sorry about that. NOT FUNNY AT ALL.

Roger Ailes, meanwhile, was so moved by the story of the crow killing the dove that he’s considering making it the new logo for Fox News. Can you blame him? What other image more perfectly epitomizes Fox News’ core values of “Fuck peace” and “The black man is coming for our women”?

Anyhow, I’m reading this article, and I get to the bottom and see that the Pope blessed a parrot named Amore owned by a fellow named Francesco Lombardi. OK, great, hippie-dippie pope blesses parrot. Cute. Maybe some lame St. Frances joke and that’s Vatican Pope Birdsabout it. As I was reading more about the incident, though it became clear that Mr. Lombardi is a porn star and self proclaimed “world champion stripper” (he’s actually ranked 12th). Seriously, Fox News??? How did you leave that out?? It’s one thing to bury the lead- but you’re putting cement on its feet and throwing it into the East River. You’re chopping it up into pieces and stashing it in separate dumpsters all around town and I’m not just using these analogies because this story is in Italy and I’m trying to make some cheap Italian-mafia joke, but, hey, if the spicey meat-a-ball fits… Listen, Fox News, You want to report on the Pope kissing a Porn Star’s Parrot- you don’t lead with some bullshit wussy headline like “Animal rights activists ask Pope Francis to stop releasing doves” – you’ve got to do it like this or like this or like this or like this or like this. I mean, come on, Fox News- get your shit together. I know the Obama years have been rough on you, but I don’t know that I’m ready to live in a world where the Huffington Post has to teach Fox News how to be sleazy. It’s like Hilary Clinton teaching Karl Rove about racist smear campaigns.

Alright, so it turns out that after the Pope’s dove release scandal (Dovegate? Doveghazi? Hey- Fox News- a little help here) he saw the parrot in the crowd while he was cruising around St. Peter’s Square in the Popemobile looking for something to kiss, so he decided to bless the parrot. You know, so he doesn’t seem like such a heartless bird killer. He didn’t know that the parrot, named Amore, was owned by Lombardi, who’s stripper name is Ghyblj. Seriously, dude? You name your parrot “Amore” but you call yourself “Ghyblj”??? And you call yourself a “world Parrot News- 021814champion.” Have you never heard of the “first pet – first street” porn star name game? You could be Sparky Maplewood or Rusty Sepulveda or Rodolfo Via Veneto I guess since you’re Italian, whatever, – anything would be better than Ghyblj. How is the DJ at the club supposed to even say that? “And coming to the stage next we have…uhm…Geeh…Gibil….wait I got it….Dickface. Give it up for Dickface.”

So, right, anyhow- Ghyblj or Lombardo or whatever the hell his name is was deeply moved by the fact that the Pope blessed Amore because evidently he’s “in love” with the Pope. And, Pope Francis (who insists they are just friends) was able to put his bird killing scandal (Monica Doveinski? Come on, Fox News I’M GETTING NOTHING, HERE) behind him because if there’s one thing the Italians love more than birds, it’s porn stars (Prime Minister Ghyblj? You’d better believe it). And what could be a better symbol of peace and tolerance than a Pope, a porn star and a parrot named “Love”. Now THAT’S Amore.

[Parrot News]- Sorry, Your Parrot Doesn’t Count as a Licensed Driver

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Like most gods, the Gods of Parrot News are sometimes benevolent and sometimes cruel. Fortunately, this past week, they have chosen to be kind and to rain fantastic parrot stories upon me- which sort of makes up for the fact that the California Rain Gods have completely abandoned us. I mean, sure, the lack of rain in California threatens the water supply of the 38 million people who live here and could potentially undermine the 12th largest economy in the world, while the bonanza of parrot news stories really Parrot News- 020414- maxjust benefits me and the seven people who read this fucking blog- five of which are X-Games fans who thought this was a fan site for snowboarder Max Parrot. Have you seen the X-Games by the way? It’s crazy! It’s like ESPN made a whole pseudo-Olympics out of stuff my mother never let me do. All they need to do is add “going outside with no coat”, “walking home under a bridge in the dark” and “smoking weed in the basement” and it would be perfect.  Anyhow, my point is that everything all balances out and there were some great parrot stories. Here’s one that particularly spoke to me:

A woman in Yorkshire was pulled over on the M62 (freaky British freeway). The Bobbies (freaky British police) discovered that she had only a “provisional license” (freaky British Learner’s Permit) and that there was no licensed driver in the car with her, as is required by law, only her pet parrot who did not even have a Driver’s License.  The Bobbies then proceeded to Tweet out a picture of the parrot with a  warning that parrots are “NOT AUTHORIZED TO SUPERVISE LEARNER DRIVERS” and this sort of behavior would not be tolerated. I’m sure that ALL of the Provisional License holding parrot owners who follow the West Yorkshire police on Twitter are quaking in their trainers (freaky British sneakers. Sketchers, probably. With, like heels and shit. Seriously, what is wrong with those people?) I know I’m certainly grateful for them for Tweeting this, cause when I first saw this article, I thought “Of course! It’s perfect! Why haven’t I thought of this before?? I don’t need a Driver’s License – I just need a parrot who can ride around with me at all times. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this idea whatsoever!” So thank God the West Yorkshire Police set me straight or my parrot and I would have been in hot water and nobody likes parrot soup. Not even the British.


Now I know all of you “Driver’s License” having people are probably getting a good laugh at this poor woman’s expense. Don’t deny it! I can see you there- sitting back smugly in a smoking jacket, glass of Congac in one hand, steering wheel in the other, just tittering away at the stupidity:

“Titter-titter-titter- Why what kind of idiot would posssssibly think it was acceptable to drive with a parrot and a Learner’s Permit? Titter-titter-titter- Oh- wait- I’ll tell you what kind of idiot- the kind who doesn’t have a Driver’s License. Titter-titter-titter. Titter-titter-titter.  Titter-titter-titter WHOA!!! Sorry!! That was close. I almost spilled my Cognac. Titter-titter-titter.”

Me, though, I’m a lot more sympathetic to this woman. As the holder of numerous Loser’s Permits over the years (the permit is good for one year only. If you don’t get your license during that time and want to renew, you simply need to take a written test consisting of 20 multiple choice questions and a 500 word essay on the subject of “No, seriously dude, what is you FUCKING PROBLEM??”) I understand what she was going through that night. Just picture it- you’re home alone with your parrot. You’ve had the same conversation over and over and over again and now you’re seriously getting on each others’ nerves (you can substitute “parent” for “parrot” if that helps). There’s a party up in Ripon or Trent or one of the other towns that Branson’s always going off to so he can meet the new Pig Man and catch Rose kissing a black guy and it’s right up the M62 from your house and you could be there in like 10 minutes but there’s no one around to give you a ride. And you’ve got a perfectly good car at your disposal which you can TOTALLY almost sort-of drive but there’s not a licensed driver around who can ride with you so what are you supposed to do??? Go through the whole “who’s a pretty girl routine?” for the 10,000th time with Polly – or grab the keys, shove Polly’s cage in the front seat and ride up the M62 for freedom! And by “freedom” of course, we mean room temperature beer and blood pudding. England sucks.

So, I think you’ll agree with me that her actions were totally justifiable. The only thing I would just question- and I’m just clarifying here- not correcting- is why did she bring a parrot? Did she think that if the police pulled her over they would just be like “well, on the one hand, she’s an unlicensed driver putting other drivers at risk on the motorway by driving illegally on the motorway with a parrot instead of a licensed driver as required by law. On the other hand I LOVE PARROTS! Who’s a pretty girl? Who’s a pretty girl? Let’s just let her go”.

Or –maybe she’s just one of those crazy people who bring a parrot with them everywhere they go. Which I’m starting to learn from Parrot News happens a whole lot more often than you might think. The worst part is, she’s still going to get her fucking Driver’s License before me. CRAP! I’ve got to get that parrot.


Read the article:

[Parrot News] The Bird Set Me Up!

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Last week, Guillermo Reyes, 49, was pulled over by police at a routine alcohol checkpoint in Mexico City. As he got out of his car, the police heard a voice from inside the vehicle say “he’s drunk” over and over again. Turns out this was his pet parrot. Mr. Reyes’ blood alcohol level did turn out to be over the legal limit, and he was put in jail for the night. Along with that backstabbing bird. Lucky him.

Sadly, this is not the first time that Mr. Reyes has been betrayed by his lifelong parrot companion, Narky.


Guillermo’s Mother: Little Guillermo- did you break my Mott The Hoople record?Parrot News- 011414- Mott

Little Guillermo: What? No! Of course not.

Little Narky: He broke the record Squawk. Broke the record.

Little Guillermo: (under his breath) Shut up Narky. (louder) I swear I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Little Narky: He broke the record. Squawk. Broke the record.

Little Guillermo: (under his breath) Be cool, Narky. (louder) Really I have no idea what could have possibly happened.

Little Narky: Broke the record.

Little Guillermo: Shut up!

Guillermo’s Mother: I’m so disappointed in you. Go to your room right now.

Little Narky: Broken record. Broken record. Broken record,

Guillermo’s Mother: And take that bird with you.

Little Guillermo: You can’t believe that bird. He’s just repeating himself over and over again like a…uhm…a

Little Narky: Broken record. Broken record. Broken record.

Little Guillermo: SHUT UP!

Guillermo’s Mother: Go to your room!

Little Guillermo: I hate you Little Narky!

Little Narky: Heh. Heh. Punk ass bitch.


R.A. (banging on dorm room door): What’s going on in there?

College Guillermo (inside room): Nothing, man.

College Narky: Smoking dope. Squawk. Smoking dubage.

R.A.: Is this true?

College Guillermo: (under his breath) Be cool, Narky. (louder) Of course not, man, it’s just a dumb bird.

College Narky: Smoking grass. Wacky Weed. Maui Wowie. Squawk.

College Guillermo: (under his breath): Shut up, Narky

R.A.: I’m coming in there.

College Guillermo: No!

(R.A. opens door. Huge cloud of smoke pours out)Cal Seething- 011414- FastTimes

R.A.: Alright. Come with me Jeff Spicoli. We’re going to the dean’s office. And bring that bird with you. You’re both expelled!

College Guillermo: I hate you, College Narky!

College Narky: Heh heh. Punk ass bitch.


Guillermo’s First Wife (opening front door): Honey, are you here? I’m home from work early. We can watch Twin Peaks together on VHS tapes!

Married Guillermo: Wait- don’t come up here!Parrot News- 011414- TwinPeaks

Married Narky: Banging your sister. Squawk. Banging your sister.

Married Guillermo: Shut up, Narky!

Guillermo’s First Wife (bursts into bedroom): Cecilia!

Guillermo’s Wife’s Marginally Hotter Sister Cecilia: I can explain…

Married Narky: They were boning. Squawk. They were boning.

Guillermo’s First Wife: Guillermo Reyes, you get out of here right now- and take that damn bird of yours with you!

Married Guillermo: I hate you, Married Narky!

Married Narky: Heh heh. Punk ass bitch.

And so we come to the present. Yet again, Mr. Reyes is betrayed by his parrot…which for some unfathomable reason he takes with him when he goes drinking. Seriously – why would you possibly take a parrot drinking- especially an asshole parrot? I mean, if you’re gonna drink- don’t drive, and if you must drink and drive- don’t take a parrot, and if you must drink and drive with a parrot- at least make sure it’s a parrot that can KEEP IT’S FUCKING MOUTH SHUT. Everybody knows that. That’s like some alcoholic bird owner 101 shit.

I guess his mom doesn’t trust him, he failed out of school and his wife left him so his parrot is all he has left. Which is reassuring, I suppose. when you think about it- no matter what goes wrong in your life, you’ll always have your parrot. For as long as he lives. The fucking douchebag treacherous asshole squawking miserable parrot that ruined your life. Right by your side. Until you die. Alone. And your neglected corpse lies rotting in your apartment until your neighbors finally burst through the door when they hear a faint, hoarse, dehydrated voice say:

Auto erotic asphyxiation. Squawk. Stroke and choke. Stroke and choke. Squawk.Parrot News- 011414- Michael

Also, I can’t explain why everyone in Guillermo Reyes’ life speaks English including his parrot even though they live in Mexico City. I can’t explain it and I won’t explain it and you can’t make me (holding breath. turning blue. passing out).

Here’s the story:



[Parrot News] Parrot Races Dog. Yeah, You Heard Me.

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If you read Parrot News regularly (which, I admit, would be much easier to do if I bothered to write it) you know I hate birds. And, while I don’t think I’ve ever expressed this opinion (which makes it one of only three that I haven’t expressed – the other two being my paradoxical love of Rice Krispie treats and dislike of marshmallows. I’m soooo deep! It’s totes cray. I promise to never, ever say that again.) I doubt it will come as a shock to hear that I don’t really like cutesy animal videos unless they were directed by Alfred Hitchcock. But even Tippi Hedren couldn’t hate the little yellow bird in this video unless of course it was dead and stuffed and thrown at her over and over again by sadistic PA’s for a solid week until she gave the perfect “terrified” response while Hitchcock looked on eating greasy fried chicken and said “just one more take, Tippi” in the most condescending way imaginable- in which case, sure, I could see that she might start to hate it- but, otherwise- there’s no way even she could resist the charms of this plucky yellow parrot and you won’t either. You just have to watch the video and see how it pulls itself up the stairs on woefully inadequate legs with great effort and determination like a T-Rex doing pushups or a border collie reading Great Expectations.
With its eyes focused on the summit like beadie little lasers, tail flipping ferociously from side to side like the useless rudder of little yellow boat the bird repeats over and over again one single mantra it its mind “This would be so much fucking easier if I could fucking fly. This would be so much fucking easier if I could fucking fly. THIS WOULD BE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH FUCKING EASIER IF I COULD FUCKING FLY”
Finally- with the summit in sight and success within the grasp of its tallons, the bird breathes deep the thin mountain air of the second floor and prepares for victory- when it’s cruel mistress, perhaps channeling a the vengeful spirit of Tippi Hedren who’s not actually dead but shut up, releases the DOG. Before you can say “parrots are icky” the little white fluff ball bounds up the steps effortlessly on four REALLY, REALLY GOOD LEGS and humiliates the parrot by reaching the top of the steps first and easily winning a race that, let’s keep it real, neither animal knew they were actually running.
And don’t feel guilty when watching this video. The owner isn’t some sadistic bitch who clipped the wings off a bird and then made it run up a flight of stairs for her sick amusement (although admittedly that is amusing. HA! Crippled bird’s gotta use it’s puny legs. HA HA! That’s like a pole vaulting midget.). Nope- she’s just a lonely woman with an absurd amount of time on her hands who trained a bird with two perfectly good wings to run up a flight of stairs on its scrawny little useless legs and then has it run a race it can’t possibly win against a dog. Which…I guess sort of makes her a sadistic bitch after all. And sad. Very very sad.. Hmmm. Oh well. Enjoy!

[Parrot News] What are you Stupid?

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Thinking about getting a pet parrot? You’re dumb. Dumb as a box of rocks. D-U-M dumb. So dumb that you heard it was chilly outside so you came outside with a spoon and fork. So dumb you went to Turkey for Thanksgiving. So dumb you got a parrot as a pet and the minute you let your guard down it pecked your eyes out and sucked out your brain through the sockets- and then you were even dumber cause you had no brain. Oh- what’s that you say? Parrots don’t really peck your eyes out? So, I guess it’s just a coincidence that all pirates have eye-patches? Right. I’m no dummy.

Still- you don’t need to take my word for it. You can check out PBS’s new documentary Parrot Confidential. This documentary thoughtfully explores all of the many reasons why parrot ownership is stupid- extremely loud voices, penchant for biting, tendency to form extremely close bond with single owner and absolutely no on else- so they become extremely distraught if the owner is not there or if someone else tries to care for them- which can create difficulties if the owner goes out of town or dies. And because parrots have absurdly long life-spans it’s very likely the owner will die and stick one of their unsuspecting heirs with a screaming, grief stricken, senile bird that hates them. So- it’s very important that if you have any elderly relatives who own parrots you stop visiting them immediately. No flowers on Mother’s Day, no cards on their birthday, no phone calls- just cut em off when the dementia sets in and hope they forget your name when they’re writing the will so you don’t get stuck with the parrot on your doorway like a flaming bag of shit with tropical plumage.

Then again you could skip the documentary, read this article with the headline: “Baby’s screams and shouted death threats traced to a badly behaved PARROT” and spend the rest of your evening catching up on episodes of MasterChef Junior (Cross-promotion. BOOM) and thanking whatever god you worship that you decided to adopt a gerbil (Richard Gere gerbil jokes- still relevant? Discuss). I mean, why the hell would you want to own a huge, screeching, co-dependent, needy, unpredictable, violent creature that’s going to make your life hell until you die and then do a happy parrot dance on your grave? That’s not a pet- it’s an Edward Albee play- or worse – it’s ParrotOsage County, it’s Polly, Dearest – it’s the worst fucking pet since the Mogwai. I mean, sure it doesn’t reproduce when you expose it to water- but it’s gonna turn into a Gremlin whether you feed it after midnight or not. (Isn’t it always after midnight? I mean- what’s the cut off time- is it midnight-6AM, midnight-8AM? Discuss.)

And, look, if you absolutely must get a parrot, then I beg of you- be careful what you say around it. Before you scream profanity or threaten to kill it- ask yourself- would I say this in front of a 2 year old? And if the answer is “no”, then say something else. And if the answer is “hell, yeah” then you’re just the sort of dysfunctional asshole who deserves a parrot in your life. I’m sure the two of you will be very happy- though I can’t say as much for your neighbors- or the unsuspecting nephew who’s gonna get the filthy bird when you die. If only he’s cut you off, like I suggested.


Parrot Confidential documentary:

Badly behaved parrot:


[Parrot News] Squawk and Roll

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Pop quiz – what’s the most influential band of 2013? (HA! “Pop” Quiz for a music test! I kill me!)

a. Daft Punk
b. Vampire Weekend
c. The National

The truth is- it’s none of those bands- and it isn’t Boards of Canada or Everything Everything or any of the other bands whose names I learned when  I Googled “what’s the most influential band of 2013”. No- the most influential band is clearly Hatebeak, which combines the punishing drums of Blake Harrison, the incendiary guitar work of Mark Sloan and the screeching, squawking and oddly repetitious vocals of Waldo the Parrot. That’s right- Waldo the Parrot. It’s the most exciting new band to feature a non-human lead singer since Deathtongue changed their name to Billy and the Boingers and KISS broke up.

By using a parrot as a lead singer, Hatebeak makes a statement about the music industry- the way in which bands are just expected to mindlessly “parrot” whatever The Man tells them to do, the way artists in America are little more than trained birds, kept in a gilded cage and repeating their simple tricks for petty rewards from their Big Corporate Handlers. They are also making the statement: “because my chronic and excessive marijuana use has severely and irreparably damaged my decision making ability I put a fucking parrot in my band. Dude, wanna go to Jack in the Box?”

Their most recent album also features Caninus, which uses two barking dogs as their lead singer to spread their message of animal rights, Parrot News- 110513- Caninusvegnaism and the importance of adopting homeless animals- although the only message the dogs seem to be able to communicate through barking is “somebody’s outside. Somebody’s outside! SOMEBODY’S OUTSIDE! SOMEBODY’S OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! OUTSIDE! SOMEBODY’S OUTSIDE AND I’M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IT MIGHT BE A SQUIRREL!!!!SQUIRREL!!!!! Wait, i’ts not a squirrel. I’m going to sleep” which, I guess sort of sounds like an important statement about eating Tofurkey and saving the world.

So enjoy this article- and be sure to check out the sample track from their album Bird Seeds of Vengeance- and laugh all you want at Waldo- he does “what he wants, when he wants” – and if that isn’t rock n’ roll, I don’t know what is.

Just a couple quick questions:
1. Uhm…..why are these guys holding a gun?

2. If putting a parrot in your heavy metal band as a lead singer doesn’t disqualify you from buying a gun, then WHY EXACTLY DO WE BOTHER DOING BACKGROUND CHECKS IN THE FIRST PLACE?



[Parrot News] Man with Sh*t Eating Grin Throws Parrot at Cop. Awesome.

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Sometimes, Comedy and Tragedy are separated by the thinnest of membranes.

Take, for example the following 2 headlines:

Shirtless Man Throws Parrot at Police Officer While Attempting to Flee = Funny!

Shirtless Man Throws Parrot at Police Officer While Attempting to Flee- Gunned Down in Hail of Bullets = Also funny! But you feel really bad about laughing.

Fortunately, in this case, our crazy shirtless grinning friend was not gunned down when he threw a parrot at the police while attempting to flee- so it’s ok to laugh without remorse. Ha ha ha ha ha! Sort of like that.

This article also begs certain important questions:

1. Where did this guy get the parrot?

2. Why did he have a parrot with him when fleeing from the police?

3. Is the parrot actually his evil criminal sidekick (henchparrot)- and if so, do they have matching burglar masks- cause, hello- adorable! Don’t judge me. Sure I hate birds, but a little white parrot in a tiny black burglar mask?? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I’M NOT MADE OF STONE.

4. If the parrot is his evil criminal henchparrot, does it have a cool criminal nickname like “Feathers” or “Whitey” or maybe “Mumbles” cause he has a speech impediment and nobody wants him and that’s why he turned to a life in crime:

Cute Little Girl in Pet Store: Ooh, a Parrot. Hello Parrot. Can you say “hello”?

Mumbles: mumble mumble mumble

Little Girl: Huh? What was that?


Little Girl: I don’t understand anything this parrot says. It’s stupid. Let’s leave it in the pet store to die unloved and alone.

Mumbles: Stupid, you say! I’ll show you who’s stupid! You’ll rue the day you ever rejected me you horrible little girl when you’re begging at my claws for mercy MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHA MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

Little Girl: Huh? What was that?

Mumbles: I SAID…oh never mind.

When you look at the story this way, it’s really a bittersweet tale of two misfits who found each other in this lonely world- the Crazy Grinning Shirtless Crazy Person and Mumbles the Misunderstood Parrot. Rejected by society, they formed their own wacky kind of family, running around Connecticut, raising hell with their adorable matching burglar masks – just doin’ their thing and livin’ their lives. Until, you know, Dude threw Parrot at the cops and now Mumbles is sitting in a shelter – incomprehensibly cursing his fate. Crazy Person’s still smiling though. But then again, he’s fucking nuts. And, seriously now- WHY DID HE HAVE A PARROT WITH HIM????