I was going to do another post of omphaloskepsing at my past, but it was too scary and awkward, and I couldn’t find any pictures of the Infamous Orange Hair. So instead, some fun thoughts to scare you (you being people are who are also in their mid-twenties and somehow got lost on their way to Buzzfeed to feel nostalgic about products that marketers told them were important) because thanks to Tim Burton and Henry Selick, Halloween doesn’t end until Christmas:
That video that’s floating around is a) totally normal and b) kinda racist, because they edited all the white people out. How do I know white people catcall? Because they do it basically every time I’m outside and not with a man or group. Woman alone in public=property of men in public. That’s also secretly why women go to the bathroom in groups. It’s not to judge you and add our judgements to the Worldwide Women’s Conspiracy Database (although we do that too) it’s to avoid the men who may or may not talk at you, follow you, and/or grope you on your way in to the bathroom. Being a woman in public is fun!
Going to college is not going to get you a job, not even if you go for math and science. There is a lot of education out there, and if you want to do some post-high school training specifically for the purpose of getting a job, become a welder, plumber, electrician, cosmetologist, or septic tank specialist. Mike Rowe even has a scholarship for you. If you go to college, go because you feel that the learning and education you earn is worth upwards of 30 grand in debt, and make that debt fucking worth it by actually going to class and learning things. Your entry level office job that does not pay enough to cover all your bills is probably not going to be that interesting, if you are even lucky enough to get a single full-time job instead of many part-time jobs. A rich inner life keeps you from being bored and boring. And if you do end up avoiding a four-year degree, read a book for fun sometimes. I don’t care what book, just a book. On something that interests you.
They are never going to be as magical as you remember them being as a kid or as they are portrayed on ABC Family. You are now too worldly to really believe in your heart of hearts that Santa is real, oil lasts eight days, peace on earth is a possibility in our lifetime, and snow will look pretty for more than a couple of hours in a big city. Holidays now are for running up debt buying stuff no one wants, fighting with your family about who is bringing what for Thanksgiving, and drinking your sorrows away at the local watering hole with all the other drunks late into the night. And on that note…
Buying stuff will never be as fun as it was when you were poor. Or young. Buying stuff when you’re a child is amazing, because it seems so magical. Give money, get wanted thing. And you had to wait sooooo long to get something, because birthdays and gift-giving holidays were always far away, and when you finally got The Thing You Wanted it the culmination of so much want that you are essentially an addict getting a fix. Same thing happens when you’re poor, except you know exactly how long it took to earn enough money to get The Thing You Wanted and you feel super guilty about spending money at all. But for realsies, nothing will ever taste as good as that tiny wedge of medium-grade brie did when you were working seventeen jobs and still couldn’t afford three meals a day. Never was a $2.31 purchase so beloved and enjoyed.
Your Opinions on Pop Music and Fashion Are Irrelevant
If you’re reading this, you’re probably older than 19. If you’re older than 19, you have no idea who is popular in music, fashion, YouTube (the new Young Hollywood) and Tumblr. Yes, Tumblr is a big deal now and people make careers off of it. I know. We’re old. We might as well be dead. The good news is that marketing agencies and PR reps have no idea what’s going on anymore either, and the current generation of young uns are slightly less exploited than we were.
We’re All Doomed
Partisan politics, climate change, fracking, overpopulation, food waste, aliens, Game of Thrones enthusiasts, beloved arbiters of culture being outed as sexual abusers, street harassment murders, gaming culture, tech culture, One True Scotsman arguments, cable news, streaming television, internet monopolies, Net Neutrality, abortion rights restrictions, New Jim Crow voter ID laws, Ferguson, the Detroit Institute of Arts collection sell-off, gentrification, drugs cartels murdering their way through Central America and Mexico to supply Americans with cocaine, MRAs, shrinking middle class, growth economies, terrorist regimes, attempted genocides, the creep of nationalist aggression, ebola, AIDS (still), anti-vaxxers.
Happy Monday, everybody. We’re all going to die.