Haunukkah begins this Tuesday night- and, so,  to celebrate the Season of Giving I’m regifting my Hanukkah post from a few years ago in shiny new Been & Going paper. It was either this, or that half eaten box of See’s Candy I got from the cleaning company, and I figured this was easier to share. And, since I can’t control myself, I made a bunch of changes to make it seem more relevant. So think of this as the Hanukkah post where Han shoots first.  Hey I put the Han in Hanukkah. I should have learned from George Lucas to LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. Oh well. Hope I haven’t completely ruined your Hanukkah. And if I have- may the rest of this post be the JJ Abrams movie that saves the franchise. Either way- Happy Fucking Hanukkah!

For the record, Chanukah is one of my favorite holidays. Nothing beats the combination of lighting candles, opening presents and making Christians feel like dirt when they accidentally wish me a Merry Christmas (“Merry CHRIST-mas to me. Oh, how nice. You have yourself a very Merry I’m-a-Ignoramus-Who-Assumes-Everybody-Believes Exactly-the-Same-Stuff-I-Do and a truly Happy Funny-You-Don’t-Look-Jewish-Because You-Don’t-Have-Horns, too. Maybe you should ask Santa for a Diversity seminar- that is, if he can fit in under the tree between the burning cross and copy of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. And stop ringing that bell at me, I’m sure as hell not giving you a quarter now. I only support one army, and it’s the one that accepts gays (That’s right. KISS Army).

I know it sounds like I’m not feeling the holiday spirit — but remember, my holiday isn’t about wussy crap like “Peace on Earth” and “Goodwill to Men” – it’s about eating fried food and jelly doughnuts, getting presents for EIGHT WHOLE NIGHTS and, most importantly, celebrating the crazy-ass bunch of Jewish rebels who kicked the ancient Greeks out of Israel and stretched one day of oil for more than a week. That’s right, ass-kicking, thrift, cholesterol and shopping — throw in the guilt over not calling my mother, and you have all the pillars that the Jewish faith is based on. The only thing more awesome would be a holiday celebrating Israeli Airport Security and dishonest contractors. Seriously, I should have known better than to hire Israeli contractors- there’s just something unnatural about Jews who can build stuff. The last thing we built were the pyramids- and you should see how much we overcharged the Egyptians for those. “You want pyramids? Not problem. I charge you ten plagues only. Usually, for job like this, I charge 15, 20, 25 plagues- but for you, I make special price- 10 plagues, because we are friends.” If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, you can learn about it in Ridley Scott’s new film Exodus: Gods and Shit or whatever it’s called. That is, of course, if you’re not too busy being outraged about the casting because you’re run out of police shootings to be mad about. I mean, come on Ridley, I don’t mind you casting a non-Jew as Moses- but did he have to be named Christian? What, was no one named “Jesus” available? Or wait, no- there was but you wouldn’t cast a non-white actor. Listen, I get it, you can’t win here- you don’t cast Middle Easterners as Egyptians- they call you a bigot. You do cast them- they say they’re typecast as villains. Hey guys- don’t blame Hollywood you keep playing terrorists- BLAME THE FUCKING TERRORISTS. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that all Middle Easterners are terrorists- that’s absolutely not true- I’m just saying, we don’t have time for narrative complexity in our lives. We just need to know which accent makes it OK for use to cheer when stuff goes boom. Used to be German, then it was Russian, now it’s you guys. Hey, could be worse- you could be British.  Meanwhile, if you want to work, you’re gonna be bad guys. I’m sorry there’s no version of Exodus where the Israelite slaves are the bad guys and the poor, slave driving, Egyptians are the victims (though I hear UC Berkley is hard at work on this) – you want to get in the game- strap on the headdress, get your Colin Kaepernick chin beard on, and start whipping some Hebrews. That is, assuming Ridley the Racist would condescend to casting you- which, of course, he won’t.

Anyhow, the point I was trying to make before I got totally sidetracked is that, despite the pervasive stereotype that Jews are wimpy, neurotic, intellectual and un-athletic — a stereotype which, I might add, is continually reinforced by the insidious forces of television, film and reality, Judaism is actually way more hardcore than Christianity. There are many more examples of this, as you can see below:

New Child Rituals

Christianity: Baby is dressed in adorable white gown. Genial red-cheeked priest sprinkles tiny droplets of water on its precious forehead as adoring parents look on beaming with pride and joy. Both families come together to celebrate the miracle of new life and the grace of God’s blessing.

Judaism: Baby is strapped to a board and given a wine-soaked sponge to suck on. Freelancing urologist with an inappropriate sense of humor chops off a hunk of its penis while terrified parents look on with horror, trying not to pass out. Both families come together to eat whitefish, crack jokes and argue about Obama.

Biblical Heroes

Christianity: Long-haired hippie leader who wandered the dessert with tight core of followers preaching peace and love. Cross between David Crosby and Ghandi. Ultimately killed for his beliefs.

Judaism: Rock-star warrior King David who slew the Philistines with his sword by day and the ladies with his lute by night. Cross between Ariel Sharon and Slash. Ultimately sent a guy to his death so he could bone the dude’s wife.

Dietary Laws

Judaism: Rigorous code which includes the total separation of dairy and meat products and prohibitions on eating pork and shellfish, as well as numerous other laws. Animals killed by specially trained butchers in ritual fashion under strict rabbinic supervision.

Christianity: Gluten free brownies. Sugar free sugar. Cruelty free meat. Guilt free delusion.

Spring Holidays

Judaism: Remember the liberation of our ancestors from slavery by the forceful hand of a vengeful god who slew the first born sons of the Egyptians and generally took no crap.

Christianity: The son of God gave his life so that all may be forgiven from sin and that’s why they eat chocolate bunnies. Also- marshmallow Peeps to remember the suffering of Christ.

New Year

Judaism: Ten days of serious contemplation and repentance culminating in 24-hour fast in which we plead with God for our very lives.

Christianity: Get drunk. Watch ball drop. Seriously contemplate the size of your ass.

13th Birthday

Christianity: Pizza party in basement. Sneak in beer. Feel up middle-school crush.

Judaism: Stand on stage in front of every single person you’ve ever met and, oh yeah, GOD HIMSELF in bold defiance of acne, growth spurt, crushing insecurity and changing voice. Chant long passages of ancient text in foreign language to punishing tune. Celebrate ascent to manhood by drinking 20 tiny cups of wine at luncheon in synagogue reception hall and feeling up middle school crush in coat room. Feel like a man til you puke in the temple synagogue toilet, aka The Throne of God.

So, light your Channuka candles and say your blessings with pride, my fellow tribe members. Forget the outer nebbish and embrace the bad-ass desert warrior within. Surely, if we can put up with slavery, public circumcision, Kosher food and Manischewitz, we are tough enough to put up with Christmas trees, ugly sweaters, animated specials and all the other goyisha nonsense on parade this time of year – just look how tough Christian Bale is as Moses! Doesn’t that fill you with pride? I’m glad Ridley picked him to represent the Jews. It’s like casting Channing Tatum as Tevye- FUCKING AWESOME.

And, we don’t need y’all to put out a pity Menorah with your big ole’ tree in the town square. We know you don’t really want it there, so just skip it. Tell the ACLU I said it was cool. You just go on and enjoy your silly little pagan tree-worshipping birthday party. Just don’t expect me to be gracious if you wish me a Merry Christmas — remember, I’m feeling MY holiday spirit.

Happy Hanukkah. Or Channukkah. Or Hanuka. However you spell it, it kicks the crap out of Christmas.

Written by: Eric Sims on December 15, 2014.