Been & Going

[Lessons From The TV People] Survivor Challenges

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Every Survivor Challenge Ever:

“On my go, you’ll run down the beach and swim out to the platform.

From the platform, you will get in a rowboat.

You will then row to a buoy.

Tied to the buoy at the bottom of the ocean is a set of keys.

Once you swim down and untie the keys, you will swim back to the beach, pulling the rowboat behind you with the keys in your teeth.

Pull the boat onto the mat then run to the bamboo cage.

The door to the cage is secured with a series of locks.

Which key will unlock which lock?

None of them. It’s a combination lock.

On each key is a Roman numeral.

It is up to you to determine which three keys with which three Roman Numerals in which order is the combination.

Once the cage is open, get in and lock yourself in.

You will then use the keys to saw yourself out of the cage.

Be careful because all but one key will disintegrate in your hand.

Once you’ve cut yourself out, take the bamboo pieces and the pile of vines to make a pole.

Use that pole to vault over the mud pit.

Be careful: the pit is six feet across and six feet deep so plan your pole accordingly.

Once you and your partner are over the pit

—Oh you’ve been tied to another person this whole time—

crawl through the trenches, cross the balance beam and climb over the rope wall.

You and your partner will then use the disassembled bamboo pole

—You brought that with you, right?—

to make rungs for the ladder.

Warning: the bamboo pieces will only fit in one way even though you made them by hacking through them haphazardly with a key.

As you climb up the ladder, there will be bags of puzzle pieces.

Grab all five bags as you drag another human being up the insanely tall and precarious bamboo-shard ladder.

At the top, you will open the bags of pieces so your partner can put the puzzle together.

Meanwhile you will hold onto a string tied to a terra cotta vase of water that is perched over your head.

You must instruct your partner on where to put the pieces

—Yes, he’s been blindfolded this entire time—

that when completed will reveal the Survivor motto.

You know the motto, right? I don’t have to say it?

Once your partner puts all the pieces together, you will notice that there is one piece missing.

While cursing, you will let go of the string and the vase of water will dump on you.

Just because.

Where is the missing piece?

It’s at the bottom of a bucket filled with sand.

You will uncover the piece by removing mouthfuls of sand and then spitting them into a clear tube.

Yes, with your mouth.

Once the tube of spitty sand is filled to the top, you can grab the final piece out of the bucket.

Putting in the final piece of the puzzle will open the curtain on an elaborate diorama where a mouse goes through a tiny replica of the challenge.

Once he and his tethered blindfolded mouse partner have completed the miniature puzzle, they will eat it to reveal a nail file.

Use that nail file to cut a string…

that releases a ball…

that smashes a tile…

that spills small ball bearings into a pan…

that teeters a seesaw…

that unlatches a latch…

that releases a flock of doves…

that create a gentle breeze…

that fans a flame…

that burns a rope that…”

<Everyone all together now>

“Raises a flag.”