In recent days you might have heard about the controversy over Los Angeles’ intimate theatre scene- specifically the “99 Seat Plan” which currently allows members of Actors’ Equity to effectively volunteer their services to theatres with 99 seats or fewer in exchange for a small stipend while receiving certain basic union protections and having the freedom to take better paying jobs as they arise. As one who has followed this closely- I’d like to offer you a detailed, thorough and unbiased perspective. I’d like to but I can’t, cause I’m me- so here’s an angry screed instead.

Warning to supporters of Equity’s idiotic proposals: In the spirit of the 99 seat debate- this post contains  gross incivility, blatantly manipulative emotional appeals, counter-productive use of sarcasm, inappropriate comparisons of Equity leaders to famous dictators from history, offensive memes using civil rights leaders, petty childish name-calling, vulgar language, crude insults, emotionally overwrought language, repeated use of the word “ass-hat” to describe those with whom I disagree, selective omission of information that doesn’t support my case, flagrant disrespect for the opinions of others and- most frightening of all- factual information that proves you’re wrong. Wrong wrong wrongidy wrong (BOOM! FLAGRANT DISRESPECT FOR THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS). It’s my fucking blog and I’ll write what I goddamn well want- if you don’t like it- you’re perfectly free not to read it- though, I realize that, as a supporter of Equity’s proposal, you have a really hard time accepting that full grown adults should be allowed to make choices about how they spend their time without first getting approval from Mommy and Daddy Union back in New York. Ass-hat. (BOOM! USE OF THE WORD “ASS-HAT” TO DESCRIBE THOSE WITH WHOM I DISAGREE). And- hey- if you hate this post- feel free to troll me mercilessly on all forms of social media- Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Meerkat, MySpace, Friendster, Classmates.com, CompuServe, Prodigy, bathroom walls in North Hollywood, KaKao, Ello and, sure, I guess even Google Plus. Hell, I can even recommend some hashtags- #EricIsAnAEAsshole, #CaliforniaShithead, #HasBeenGoingNowhere – bring it on, motherfuckers my site could use the traffic. (BOOM! VULGAR FUCKING LANGUAGE. FUCKER.)

So….there used to be this ice rink in Culver City (wait, wait, this is going someplace I swear. I’m not just putting this in here because I’m a shameless civic boosting whore who has to always make everything about Culver City- although- hey- did you guys watch the big fight at RUSH STREET this weekend? Mayweather may have won a decision- but those truffle fries are a KNOCKOUT!) And, back in the day the ice rink was a vital center of family activity. Kids played hockey, teenagers went on skating dates, Olympians even trained there. Over time, though, the ice rink faded in popularity – losing the battle to MTV before losing the war to the iPad. And so the ice rink fell into disrepair and neglect. And, eventually, the building was sold and the once thriving ice rink faced closure. Suddenly, there was an outcry from the community – petitions were circulated, editorials were written, rallies were held- every single person in Culver City was showing up at City Council screaming with outrage about the death of their beloved ice rink. And I couldn’t help but wonder where all of these people were over the past few decades as the ice rink slid into neglect- because they sure as hell weren’t ICE SKATING.

Now- I’m not comparing the bustling, vibrant and dynamic intimate theatre scene in Los Angeles to a neglected and dilapidated ice rink. Well- maybe just the “dilapidated” part a tiny bit. I mean, well, let’s just say that, in almost every 99 seat theatre there is a sign in the bathroom with very specific instructions about how to operate the toilet: (“Hold the handle for 10 seconds!!!!”, “Jiggle the handle and count to three :)” “TP Only! No Paper Towels! No Feminine Hygiene Products! EVER!!!!!” ) all of which are signed rather ominously by “The Management” – which is meant to evoke a shadowy and omnipresent figure of menace- Cancer Man, if you will, or Dick Cheney- but really were written by some poor, pathetic schmuck with an MFA in one hand, a plunger in the other and “Artistic Director” on his resume. You’ve gotta feel bad for this guy as he watches his lofty ideals about running a theatre go down the drain….or at least they would be going down the drain if anyone could READ A FUCKING SIGN!!!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE WHAT DID I TELL YOU??? NO FUCKING PAPER FUCKING TOWELS NO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN FEMININE FUCKING HYGIENE PRODUCTS!!!! Who needs Equity to kill theatre in Los Angeles when we’ve got a bunch of fucking morons in the audience who can’t seem to wrap their tiny little useless minds around the enormously complicated and difficult concept of JIGGLING THE FUCKING HANDLE AND COUNTING THE FUCK TO THREE!!!!!!! ONE – TWO – THREE- PEOPLE!!! YOU’RE KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!! (BOOM! EMOTIONALLY OVERWROUGHT LANGUAGE)

Sorry, sorry, sorry about that- a little PTSD from running the Powerhouse (Post Toilet Stress Disorder). Anyhow- I’m certainly not saying that 99 seat theatres are bereft of activity like the ice rink- far from it- but as far at the media is concerned, they might as well not exist. Ten years ago, if you were producing a show in LA, you wouldn’t be happy til you got reviews in the Times, LA Weekly and Backstage- and now, you’re lucky to get a mention in the Tolucan Times- and that’s if you buy an ad. But- as soon as stupid poopy moron face Equity Executive Director Mary McColl (BOOM! CRUDE INSULTS) announced her brilliant plan to kill the 99 Seat Plan in Los Angeles, media outlets started falling all over themselves to cover the controversy- NPR, Huffington Post, the Wall Street Journal. McColl may be a god-awful union boss but she’s one hell of a publicist! Hell, there was even a cover story in the New York Times on the subject. I know  – crazy right. And if you think that’s incredible – the lead theatre critic for the LA Times, who shall remain nameless except I’ll just say his name rhymes with “Fartles McButtly” (BOOM! PETTY CHILDISH NAME CALLING) actually wrote THREE whole columns about the subject- which brings the grand total of columns he’s written about intimate theatre in Los Angeles in his career to….three! I mean, sure, he took Equity’s side- but, come on, let’s be reasonable here. To understand the perspective of LA’s intimate theatres he’d actually have to set foot in one and that’s simply too much to expect. It was a lot easier for him to just talk to Equity since he was in New York to cover the Tonys.

Anyhow- my point here is that if LA’s intimate theatres (a euphemism for “99 seat theatres” that sounds like we’re doing Hamlet in our unmentionables) got as much media coverage for their work as they have received for this controversy then maybe it would be easier for them to accept Equity’s efforts to dismantle the 99 Seat Plan in Los Angeles. Perhaps if the media was this enthusiastic about reviewing and supporting the work being done in these theatres, there would be somewhere near enough revenue to cover the increase in labor costs of approximately 4000% that would result from Equity’s mandate that all actors be paid at least the prevailing minimum wage for rehearsals and performances rather than the current minimal performance stipend. But probably not, because even with all the media coverage in the world, Equity’s proposal just isn’t economically viable. In fact, that’s what I first thought when I heard about their idiotic ideas. Ahhhh, I remember it like it was yesterday.

There I was, just relaxing on the veranda of my palatial beach-side estate in Bora Bora, where I was able to retire after running the Powerhouse for 5 years. I was just kicking back in a throne made out of the bones of the unpaid actors on whose backs I made my fortune (backbones, natch) sipping a Bloody Mary McColl when my monkey butler, Nick Wyman brought me a telegram from Los Angeles. “Well, it was bound to happen eventually” I said to myself “good thing for me that while I was running the Powerhouse I was able to squirrel away literally DOZENS of dollars in my Swiss bank account (which is what I call my underwear drawer ‘cause everything’s got holes.)” It was infuriating- why, I got so wound up that I had to take a  dip in my vault full of gold coins in a comical 1920’s style bathing suit to unwind. (BOOM! COUNTER PRODUCTIVE USE OF SARCASM)

Here are just two little stories from my tenure at the Powerhouse that might help illuminate the economic realities of intimate theatre:

STORY #1: Around 2006, the synagogue that owned the Powerhouse Theatre decided to raise the rent by 30% without any prior notice. Andrew and I, the two Jews running the place at the time, balked at this, to say the least, since they had been of absolutely no use the year before when our sewer line failed, provided no upkeep or maintenance support to the facility, and refused to give us an updated lease after the initial lease expired. After a brief meaningful rent strike, the temple staff decided to bring in the Nuclear Option- they sent the Rabbi to meet with Andrew and me hoping that in his infinite wisdom and pomposity he would guide us lost sheep back to the flock of suckers.

Anyhow- we met with him at the theatre and we spoke at great length about the award-winning shows we produced , our long-standing relationship with the community, our educational programming, creative partnerships and the legacy of the artists who worked in the space- starting with Ed Harris who helped build the stage with his bare hands. The rabbi listened, stroked his beard, and thought carefully about everything we said. When we were done, he looked at us with great kindness in his eyes and, after a long period of silent deliberation, he spoke in the gentle voice befitting a spiritual leader, saying “That’s all well and good, but if we could get three times as much by renting to a whorehouse, we would.” So…yeah. It was the proudest moment in my life as a Jew- right up until the day Bernie Madoff got busted. We were outraged. We were incensed. We were FURIOUS. And so….we furiously pulled out the checkbook and gave the fucking temple every penny they wanted. Well, what choice did we have? The theatre was booked. People were counting on us. We knew full well at that moment that we would just end up giving those bastards every single thing they wanted….right up until the moment when the rabbi got his whorehouse (or gastropub. Same diff)

STORY #2: OK, so a few years later, we lost out on an Organizational Support Grant from the City of Santa Monica which we had received for many years and grew to count on. Mind you, it wasn’t because the City didn’t like our programming- they loved it! And it wasn’t because they didn’t value us as a cultural organization in a part of town largely bereft of other arts organizations- they fully realized that and acknowledged our importance in the community. No- it was because the City had begun using the California Data Project as a part of their grant application process and we were unable to get our data compiled and loaded into the system in the timeframe required. Now- we tried to make the case that this was precisely why we needed as much goddamn organizational support as we could get our hands on, but for naught. And so we lost out on an Organizational Support Grant because we didn’t have the organizational support to get it.

Does this sound like an organization that could have absorbed a 4000% increase in labor costs?

Now, of course, not all intimate theatre companies are hand to mouth operations. Why a number of them have annual budgets over $500,000- and that number is….two. Two lousy companies. Out of 180. Two. And those are the companies that Equity points to whenever they want to make the case that plutocratic producers are making their fortunes on the backs of actor-slaves. Those two. Out of 180. It’s like bringing a snowball to Congress to debate climate change.

Of course there are a handful of companies in the $200k – $500k annual budget range. Equity loooooves to point to these as proof of our horrendous greed, like we should be ashamed of their success- but allow me to clarify something. These theatres are not the secret shame of the 99 seat community- they are its motherfucking crown jewels. These are companies created by artists who had a burning desire to make theatre- and, since the regional theatres weren’t providing any artistic penicillin to cure this burning sensation, these companies made their own medicine. Over many years, they pretty much willed themselves into being full-fledged cultural institutions- notable not only for the amazing work onstage but for the significant impact of their community programs (student performances, prison outreach, educational programs) and for the economic boon they provide to surrounding businesses. Of course, Equity doesn’t want to hear any of that. Sure, they sit and they listen- they even stroke their proverbial beard- and then, after a long period of silent deliberation, they speak with a gentle voice saying “That’s all well and good, but if actors could make minimum wage working at a whorehouse, they should do that instead.”

And look, I’m not saying the plan is perfect. Sure, there are companies that can afford to pay a little more to actors- and certainly if a company’s gonna spend six figures on a show, they can spend more than $9/show for the actors, but Equity’s proposal goes way too far. They’re using Chemotherapy to treat a head-cold- and then looking on in amazement as the patient gets sicker. Oh, but I know what Mary McColl would say- it’s a Naaational issue- LA needs to be consistent with the rest of the nation- it’s about the naaaational theatre scene. OK- well, let’s take a look at that scene- aging audiences, diminishing subscriber bases, regional theatres going belly up, union actors in cities around the country unable to practice their craft because all the small theatres can’t afford to hire them, a NON-UNION tour of a Broadway musical (Bullets Over Broadway) coming to the largest goddamn theatre in Los Angeles and major venues around the country- and somehow,  Equity decides that 99 seat theatre in LA is the problem? It’s like theatre in America is a guy who’s been in a car accident and practically every single bone in his body is shattered except for his thumbs. And yet, somehow, he’s managed to pull himself down the road by his thumbs, just hoping he’ll come across someone who can help- and, lo and behold, Ms. Mary McColl appears like an angelic vision before him. “Help me” he says “Why, of course!” she responds, pulls out his sledgehammer and smashes his thumbs so that they are consistent with the rest of the bones in his body. “Problem solved!”

So, sure, Mary McColl may have a point- this plan might not work nationally- hell, it probably doesn’t work in New York – but you know, I had Thanksgiving dinner outside wearing shorts last year and I bet that doesn’t work in New York either. So what- am I supposed to shut myself in a room all winter out of “solidarity” or just slap on my flip flops and do what works for me here in LA? And the fact is the current plan does work for LA. It gives actors the ability to do amazing creative work while they’re not using their MFA to audition for Exploding Corpse #5 on Bones, and the flexibility to miss rehearsal or performances should they actually be lucky enough to book that super-awesome student-loan paying Exploding Corpse gig. And, overwhelmingly, actors in LA support it- hell, they sued the union to create the plan in the first place. And their support has been clearly demonstrated through public statements, social media, rallies and – oh right – a vote. That’s right, Equity put their asinine little “it’s minimum wage or nothing” proposal up for a vote by LA members and lost- badly. 66% to 34%. And in response to this vote they chose, after much beard stroking and deliberation to ram through the proposal anyhow with teensy little modifications. It’s utter fucking bullshit. When Bush lost to Clinton, the GOP didn’t get to say “OK, my fellow Americans, we get it. We’ve heard your concerns and listened to your feedback we want to assure you that under no circumstances will President George Bush wear a red tie during his next term. God Bless America!”

And not only do Ms. McColl and the Equity Councilors (think “Imperial Senate” with headshots and resumes) stomp on the will of the people- but then they have the fucking GALL to email LA members and be all “hey- whoa- sorry you guys are all mad and stuff cause we totally ignored you. But we think it’s time for reconciliation and healing” Seriously????? Fuck you guys and fuck your healing! (BOOM! GROSS INCIVILITY) That’s like Putin texting Ukraine to ask if they can just “hug it out”.  (BOOM! INAPPROPRIATE COMPARISON OF EQUITY LEADERS TO FAMOUS DICTATORS) As far as I can tell, stage actors in this town don’t even have a union any more- they have a clueless douche boyfriend who gets caught cheating and then says “What’s your problem? I seriously don’t see what you’re so mad about. Now give me a blowjob and mop the floor- hey, don’t complain- you’re getting minimum wage!”

And, sure- the vote wasn’t binding, just “Advisory”- but when you’re running a membership organization and TWO THIRDS of your members in a region “Advise” you that your plan is complete shit- that’s a piece of advice that you’d better goddamn well take. Cause if you keep ignoring your members, the only advice you’re gonna get is from HR about how to apply for COBRA and Unemployment benefits. We can only hope.

OK, well, I could go on and on (COULD????) about all the shitty things Equity has done here. Like the fact that Equity used unpaid volunteers to call actors up and tell them that it’s illegal to volunteer their services, reaching NFL levels of hypocrisy. Or the fact that Ms. McColl suggested that the voter turnout for the advisory vote (45%) called its legitimacy into question. Never mind the fact that 45% is approximately 4.5 times higher than the voter turnout for the average Equity election- this is a “democracy” and in a “democracy” when we have a vote, we count the number of votes received and then decide who wins. We don’t count the number of the votes received and then just assume that every one who didn’t vote probably would have voted for whatever side we support. Sorry- that may be how Mao Tze McColl does things in the People’s Republic of Equity (BOOM! EVEN MORE  INAPPROPRIATE COMPARISON OF EQUITY LEADERS TO FAMOUS DICTATORS FROM HISTORY. IT’S THE FUNNEST!) – but it’s not how a vote works in “AMERICA” where we just vote for whoever the Koch brothers paid the best. OK, never mind, bad example. But I’m sure there is a democracy that works some place- isn’t there? (isn’t there….isn’t there…echo).

But instead of focusing on all this crap, I’m gonna do what Equity isn’t doing and focus on the work. So- a couple of weeks ago I went to the Loft Ensemble’s production of She Kills Monsters. I’ll be honest, I went mainly because a friend of mine was in it and, honestly, wasn’t sure what to expect. The show was delightful- a smart, funny and touching exploration of grief based entirely on Dungeons and Dragons. That’s right. Can you imagine a show like that in LA without the 99 seat plan- with it’s large cast of extremely talented actors, ingenious designers making highly creative use of limited resources and a director with a very specific vision for bringing it all together?? No? Well that’s because it couldn’t happen.

If you do want to catch this show- it’s still running- along with dozens of other remarkable (and, let’s keep it real here, atrocious) productions all around town. And if you do your homework (I recommend stageraw.com and bitterlemons.com in particular- skip the Times unless you want to know what’s playing in New York), keep an open mind and follow the instructions in the bathroom VERY carefully, you might just have an incredible theatrical experience. Sadly, not at the Powerhouse. The rabbi got his whorehouse after all (or wood-oven artisanal pizza bistro- same diff). But there are still a whole bunch of intimate theatres you can go to – and I hope you will. Before they all go the way of the Culver City Ice Rink- and Equity leaves us with nothing but memories. Plus, if you don’t support intimate theatre in LA, Punky will be sad – and nobody wants that.  (BOOM! BLATANTLY MANIPULATIVE EMOTIONAL APPEAL)

For more information about supporting intimate theatre, visit ilove99.org (BOOM! FACTUAL INFORMATION THAT PROVES YOU’RE WRONG IF YOU SUPPORT EQUITY’S PLAN)

Oh yeah….and – SELECTIVE OMISSION OF INFORMATION THAT DOESN’T SUPPORT MY CASE- not pictured.

But- we do have:

BOOM!