Loading...Lesson learned? American Horror Story: Coven is bat-shit crazy.
Warning: SPOILERS. Because I need to give you examples of the extreme, delicious insanity that is this show.
This is the first season of American Horror Story that I’ve watched. Many people have recommended it to me in the past when I was sans cable. Now that I’ve been u-versed, I decided to pack away the first half of this season on my DVR to enjoy at a convenient time. That time happened to be the post-Christmas/pre-New Year days. I decided to watch the first nine episodes while I wolfed down the remainder of the Christmas cookies in the anticipation of not making a resolution but deep down telling myself that I would cut down on sweets although I know I will return to work and there will be See’s candies mocking me. Well, I soon realized that eating and watching Coven would not mix too well. It’s a basic cable show but there is some good ole voodoo and zombies and sex-induced hemorrhaging. Yep. The first episode begins with a girl killing her boyfriend because sex with her causes brain hemorrhages. Roll credits!
Let’s take a moment to talk about Coven’s opening credits. They are unsettling. Quick cuts of black and white footage of black robed bedecked witches and voodoo stuff set to a Nine Inch Nailsy score. That won’t permeate my dreams at all!
Taissa Farmiga is the Girl With The Deadly Vagina who is told she is a witch and is taken away to a “School for Girls” in New Orleans. Her fellow students include Jamie Brewer as clairvoyant, Emma Roberts as the Lindsay Lohan-esque movie star with telekinesis and Gabourey Sidibey as a human voodoo doll. She can inflict pain and death on others by inflicting it on herself. This is where one wonders (one being me), “What would I like my witchy power to be?” Reading minds would be quite distracting and inflicting pain on myself is a no-no because I have trouble removing a band-aid. So yeah, moving stuff with my mind would be the way to go. Why get up for snacks?
The school is run by Cordelia (Sarah Paulson) until her mother comes back to town. Fiona is the Supreme of this coven. Meaning she is the leader and the most powerful witch. So she can only be played by the awesome Jessica Lange. Remember when Jessica Lange was Dwan in the 1976 King Kong? She was awful. And then later she became a very respected actress and won some Academy Awards. Now she’s getting noms and awards for enjoying the hell out of herself while being kick ass on American Horror Story. I feel I should go to the store and get the ingredients for a martini, come back, make it and toast to her career. Watching her makes me happy.
In fact, let’s take another moment from trying to explain the nuttiness of this show to talk about what really makes me happy about it. Yeah, the stories are out there and fun and gory and shocking but on the flipside it’s also a show that employs a lot of actresses, half of which are over the age of 40. There are two men listed in the opening credits out of nine. That is amazing. OK. Back to the lunacy…
The coven and the voodoo tribe have had a truce which Fiona immediately breaks upon her return by digging up an immortal racist from the 1800’s played by Kathy Bates. You see, Bates is/was a horrible, horrible, terrible, horrible person who tortured her daughters and especially, her slaves. In fact, she sewed the head of a bull on one of them. The newly made Minotaur just happened to be the lover of voodoo queen Marie Laveau played by Angela Bassett. That’s right, bitches, Angela Bassett. Talk about enjoying your job, she seems to revel in this part. How can you not? All of these roles are so juicy. Anyway, Bassett kills Bates’ family and then curses her with immortality and buries her alive. Upon being dug up, Bates goes to live at the school as a “maid” and personal slave to Sidibey. They develop a weird, sort of friendship, although Sidibey does turn Bates back over to Bassett when she jumps the coven ship for voodoo pastures. This leads to Bassett cutting off Bates’ head although she can still talk because she is immortal. Which leads to Sidibey forcing Bates’ disembodied head to watch Roots. RIGHT?!? Are you turning on the tv yet?
I could go on and on. There’s Frances Conroy in her bright red Roseanne Roseanna Danna wig using a melonballer to take out some enemies’ eyeballs. Which are then given to Sarah Paulson after she was blinded by acid being thrown in her face. Oh yeah, this is after Conroy was burned at the stake and resurrected by Lily Rabe, the Stevie Nicks obsessed swamp witch. I KNOW!
I haven’t even mentioned the boy Farmiga met at a party who was killed in a bus accident caused by Roberts and her telekinesis as revenge for the gang rape by his fellow frat brothers. (This was in the first episode, by the way.) Roberts and Farmiga then go to the morgue, pick the best boy parts and sew him back together and resurrect him. In a later episode, the three of them have an off-screen three-way. With a Frankenstein guy, you say? Yeah and on top of that, Roberts was killed by Fiona by this point and resurrected by Rabe. I guess Killer Cooch doesn’t affect dead people. DID YOU EVER THINK I WOULD TYPE THAT SENTENCE?
I’m sure there’s more but you will have to just tune in to really experience Coven for yourself. I will eat before airtime and then sit back and enjoy the hell out of it. I will say, “What more craziness can they possible do?” and then I will say, “Oh. I guess they can do that. That’s crazy.”
Wait. How have I not told you guys that Patti Lupone is in a few episodes? SHE IS.
