A few weeks ago, there appeared on my iPad, an app called Yahoo News Digest. Every morning and evening, I receive a message that my News Digest is “ready to read” and swipety-swipe, I can get brief, bland picture and video clip- filled News accounts in several disconnected areas of media coverage- world news, US news, politics, business, technology, sports, etc. Some Yahoo staffer has selected, summarized, and packaged articles from assorted news services to give me a swift, shallow update of happenings that Yahoo deems newsworthy. In the 3 minutes that it takes to swipe through the various sections, I can become instantly informed enough to comment sagely in water cooler conversations at work  ( if I went to work and there was a water cooler) but hypothetically…
Yahoo News Digest is called that, I think, because it’s easy to digest like gluten free, lactose free, preservative free soy cheese – neatly wrapped “slices” of soft, mildly flavored stuff that you can feel virtuous about ingesting. And my favorite part of Yahoo News Digest does make you feel virtuous. When you’ve swiped to the end of the series of articles, there’s a graphic with colored dots representing the articles you’ve read.  Uh oh! There’s a blank dot. You skipped the technology article! That’s right. Go back and read all about video games that can help the US win future wars. Good job! Now all the colored dots do a happy dance and you’re good to go until the Yahoo Evening News Digest pops up.
Marissa Mayer says, ” Read Yahoo News Digest or else!”
Yahoo News Digest says,” Shooting in Ferguson.”
Yahoo News Digest says,” Hong Kong Protests.”
Yahoo News Digest says, “Beyoncé”
“Ebola.”
“You’re out! Yahoo News Digest does not say,’Ebola.'”
“You-must-forget-Ebola. Ebola-was-yesterday. No-dots-for-Ebola!”

Shhhh let’s move over here where Yahoo News Digest can’t peek at us through my iPad and see that I’m still clinging to the anachronistic ABQ Journal.
Inspired by Yahoo News Digest, let’s pretend that we’re swiping through this post and digesting disconnected items of interest derived from real life (mine) and the alternative universe of the ABQ Journal.
1. Hearth and Home News – Behind Closed Doors
To impress guests with your impeccable housekeeping, here’s a technique that I’ve used successfully. Stop that laughing! I realize that a few (ok, a lot of) folks would say that my giving household hints has about as much credibility as Dracula detailing the delights of a vegan picnic at sunrise. But hey, it can’t hurt to listen and learn from the Doom Room.
You know how unread newspapers, unopened mail, and unfolded laundry tend to clutter up the place? You don’t know…your house is spotless and you’re sending me a shelfie…
Oh, go f…find some other post! JK JK Read on!
Gather up all that unsightly clutter in those boxes and bags you’ve been collecting.
You haven’t been collecting…Whew! Tough crowd!
Anyway, cram all the boxed and bagged stuff into one room like your  bedroom . Close the door.
Post on the door ominous signs like, “Haunted” “Biohazard” “Employees Only” “Hard Hat Area”
“Experiment in Progress”.  Signs that hint of catastrophic consequences  for guests who dare to enter. Trust me! No one will dare. Guests will tactfully avoid even mentioning the Doom Room. Better NOT to know! They’ll enjoy the remaining clutter- free rooms and happily spread their own stuff about.
Swiping right along…

2. Health and Wellness News – Shampoo, Skittles, and Surgery
On the first day of fall, I dutifully called my primary care physician (Remember when they were called doctors?) to schedule my annual flu shot.
“Oh, no,” the nurse said. “We’re not giving flu shots anymore. Go to your pharmacy.”
Sure, I more or less trust Smith’s Supermarket Pharmacy to put the right pills in the right bottles, but I think of shots as something a doctor or nurse gives in a medical place. Well, forget that!
After signing a formidable form which said, in essence – “No matter what hideous, debilitating, unexplainable, unpredictable consequences might befall me as a result of the flu shot, Kroger Corp., the parent company of Smith’s, is in no conceivable way, even the slightest bit responsible!” I got my flu shot in a tiny, dingy closet pretentiously labeled “Consultation Room.”
And the very next day, having survived the flu shot, I happened to be driving past CVS where a large billboard proclaimed that CVS was removing tobacco products and setting up in- store “Minute Clinics” as it sought to morph into CVS Healthy-Wealthy or something like that.
Wow! Hang on! We’re at the pinnacle of a slippery slope. Next stop – Split Second Surgery!
“Hello, CVS, I have this pain in my side and webMD says it’s appendicitis. What? There’s an appendectomy app at the AppStore and a how-to video on YouTube?
So, all I have to do is stop in and pick up my CVS Kwik Kut Surgery Kit? You’ll even give me a few minutes in the Consultation Room/OR …and I get extrabucks?
Cool. Be right over.”
And swiiiipe!

3. Pets and Pet Lovers News – In-Completely Cute
The ABQ Journal is never at a loss for a shlock and awwwwww story to enliven page one on a slow news day.  Last week, the front page scoop headlined two absolutely adorable poodle pup siblings, bright, bouncy, perfect in every way – except they were born without their two front legs and scooted around on their bellies.
To quote the lady from the ABQ Animal Welfare Department, “It’s very mysterious where they came from…Where would they have strayed from?”
Where, indeed?! How about this question? What toxic waste dump and/ or polluted water source did the parents of the bi- pedal pups encounter that caused them to produce the mutant twosome? And could this poisonous place be in my neighborhood?
If the ABQ Journal has future front page write-ups  of two- headed terriers or polka dotted dashchunds,  I’m outta here!
End swipe.

So, did you read every inDIGESTable word? Good job! Making dots dance is way above my payscale, but here are some happy faces to accompany the virtuous feeling of being in-the-know DD Digest- style.

At the end of every set of Yahoo News Digest pieces, there’s a quote of the day from some pundit or celebrity.
Here’s one for you, courtesy of  a close family member with a charmingly warped sense of humor:
“Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like bananas.”
You’re welcome.

Written by: Ronni Sims on October 1, 2014.