Loading...I’m back in the U-Verse and it couldn’t have given me a better welcoming gift than a mini-marathon of Ghost Shows! I’m not one to watch all the Ghost Hunter-like shows but man, do I love the ghost-reenactment ones. I’ve written about them before on my site and even confessed to a Bucket List item: to be a ghost re-enacter. I would be so proud of that work. Imagine: you get to wear old-timey costumes and a blank stare. Then you can gather your friends around for a viewing party so that you can show off the well-honed technique of walking slowly. “Whoa! You just disappeared!” they’d say. You would just nod and refuse to divulge the secrets of the high class special effects that it took to make it happen. Once you got well known within the Ghost Re-enactment Community, you would have your pick of Ghosty, Haunted House specials. When the producers of the Most Terrifying Places In America series approach you, tell them you’ve mastered the “descending the staircase” and they will beg you to participate. The Re-enactment World is your oyster!
Well, that was my fantasy as I watched the first Most Terrifying Places In America. Yes! The first. Apparently there are seven total. They originally aired on Travel Channel but they are on all this month on Great American Country network. (Never heard of GAC? Me neither! But they have a show about three girls who wrangle aligators. So, there’s that.) During this first episode, I was charmed by the narration and writing of this series. Everything was so wonderfully punny and hyperbolic. Everything was “The Most…” blah-di-blah. The Most Terrifying Hotel, The Most Haunted Urban Outfitters, The Most Frightening Tanning Bed, etc. So when episode 2 came on, I had my pen and paper ready to jot down some of these bon mots. Most of these quotes are from the narrator but there are a few from the interviewees who are really digging their 15 minutes of fame. Please enjoy some quotes from Episodes 2 and 3 of The Most Terrifying Places In America:
“Most Haunted Subterranean Labyrinth.”
“Possibly the only Haunted Tattoo Parlor in the World.”
“’If I ever die in this place, I’m going to kick that ghost’s butt.’”
“Who knew a phantom could micro-manage?”
“Your Happy Hour turns into Haunted Hour.”
“No, he isn’t talking about the bottles behind the bar.”
“The Most Haunted Saloon in America.”
“…tried to perform an amateur abortion on her…with dental instruments.”
“The procedure was a failure.”
“…this Most Haunted Honky Tonk.”
“’That’s nothing that we heard with our naked ear.’”
“This might look like a perfectly normal old mansion but it’s seriously paranormal.”
“It’s enough to drive you…well…mad.”
“Today it is known as one of the Most Haunted Houses in the United States.”
“As we all know, you never build a house on unholy ground.”
“And you might just get a whiff of the missus.”
“We’ll take that as our cue to leave.”
“America’s Most Terrifying Thoroughfare.”
“Just ask the Iceman.”
“Well, this Sinister Road Trip is just getting started.”
“But just when you think the Hell Ride is over…”
“Those headlights behind you? They’re showing you the way to terror.”
“Plus we visit a castle…that kills.”
“And if you know anything about ghosts, you know that’s a bad move.”
“…all the better…for haunting.”
“It isn’t just the Spirit Squadron that’s scaring the britches off the visitors…”
“But the story doesn’t end with 1776…”
“He might not be a looker himself but this Spectral Gentleman prefers blondes.”
“…away from this ghoul’s Blonde Ambitions…”
“America’s Most Haunted Fort.”
“Here’s one tree you don’t want to have a picnic under.”
“This is Devil’s Tree.”
“Don’t expect an uninterrupted night of sleep.”
“…one of America’s Most Terrifying Castles.”
“But the Spirit Seminarian isn’t the only tormented soul…”
“Creepy? More like Spine-Chilling.”
“What did you get for working at an Industrial Age Mill? A killing.”
“Making this America’s Most Frightening Factory.”
“Some claim the charge they feel comes from the Other Side.”
“But Mary never got a chance to Rest In Peace.”
“’Where I’m going you can’t follow.’”
Sign: “Eat – Drink & See Mary”
“Belly up to the bar with more than one kind of Spirits.”
“…and they don’t just mean booze.”
“Stop by Stones for a burger and a pint. Just save room…for Terror.”
“The Eeriest Inn in America.”
“And the Terror Train’s final stop is here.”
“Come spend the night if you don’t mind a little Axe Murder…with your coffee and scones.”
“…a nap from which he’ll never wake.”
“That’s where the story should have ended. Should have.”
“Now that Mrs. Borden is on the Phantom Phone…”
“Now do you need someone to tuck you in?”
Good night and pleasant…screams…mwahahaha…I walk through a wall…
