Been & Going

[California Seething] A Modest Proposal

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It’s been quite common recently for Republican leaders to declare that there are people in this country who don’t belong here. People that are just here to make trouble- spreading violence and chaos, with no respect for the laws of the land. People who have different values then we do- who don’t appreciate the freedoms this nation was founded upon and wish instead to impose their own religious law. People who take advantage of the inherently permissive nature of this great nation and use it to perpetrate mayhem and destruction. It is the opinion of Republicans leaders that these people need to be dealt with- monitored, rounded up, tracked and maybe even deported. And I have to admit- they may have a point. There are people in this country who are crazy, violent, fanatical, destructive and up to no good- and they do need to be dealt with harshly.  I think you know who I’m talking about- and frankly, I’ve had enough. And that’s why I’m proposing that we deport all the white people.

I know that may sound harsh- but, come on, white people, we’ve been tolerant long enough and you’ve been nothing Cal Seething- 113015- firstthanksgivingbut trouble since the day you got here. You show up in this country as a bunch of dirty refugees from political persecution with weird clothing and customs. You have no jobs and no useful skills. Even though you make no effort to learn about the culture of your adopted land – or even to learn the language, you still gladly accept handouts from hard working native Americans. And then, as soon as you get settled, you so-called “pilgrims” start spreading disease, grabbing up all the land, killing everyone who’s already living here and imposing your twisted, puritanical version of religious law- like ISIS with buckles on your hats. And, on top of everything else, you have the audacity to create a holiday celebrating the fact that you suckered real Americans into helping you out so that you could butcher them and take their homes. It’s a little known fact that the Native Americans actually named the holiday “Thanksgiving”, but of course nobody realized they were being sarcastic.

Cal Seething- 113015- protectamericaThis is why white people freak out when somebody new wants to come to this country. They’re terrified that the newcomers will be as bad as they were. They’re all like: “On the one hand, the Syrians seem to be in a tough spot and could really use our help. Then again, I bet that’s exactly what the Indians said when they saw us- and just look how that turned out….so- sorry Syrians. No Thanksgiving turkey for you! Maybe you should try Germany- I hear they actually feel bad about their genocide.” So, yeah, it’s not foreigners that white people in America fear at all- it’s KARMA.

But all that is in the distant past, and it’s not the reason we’re calling to deport you guys now. Nor are any of the other terrible things you’ve done in the last 400 years including, in no particular order: Slavery, Jim Crow, Japanese internment camps, Wal*Mart, the NRA, Salvadoran death squads, Thomas Kinkade, the rise of the Taliban, the Hollywood blacklist, Vietnam, inflatable lawn Santas, supply-side economics, segregation, sub-prime loans, the systematic racism and brutality of the so-called American “justice system”, and car-antlers among many Cal-Seething--113015--caranmany things. No- the real reason I’m calling for your deportation is that I’m afraid for my life. Practically every day there’s another news story about a terrorist attack by a heavily armed white guy on a school, church, Planned Parenthood clinic or other public gathering place and, frankly, I’m sick of it. Sure, sure you say- but those are just isolated incidents by extremists- surely not ALL white people are bad. And, OK, that might be true- but how am I supposed to tell the good ones from the bad ones? I mean, you do kind of all look the same- all pink cheeked and petrified- is it really worth the risk if I’m wrong? You say you don’t feel safe with Muslims on airplanes? Well I don’t feel safe with white guys in movie theatres. And- if these attacks are just isolated incidents committed by extremists- then why aren’t the so-called “moderate” white leaders condemning the perpetrators as terrorists? Instead, all I keep hearing is nonsense  like “oh, they shooter’s motivations are unclear.” Seriously? Cause dude was shouting “No more body parts” when he shot up a Planned Parenthood- that sounds pretty fucking clear to me. Or- what, you think maybe he was pissed he couldn’t get replacements for his Mr. Potato Head and he remembered there used to be a KB Toys on that site and then started shooting when he saw it had been replaced by a Planned Parenthood??  Or, even worse, you refer to the terrorists as “protesters” – because evidently when white terrorists kill innocent people that’s just a form of legitimate protest- which is funny, cause when black people engage in legitimate protest they’re pretty much treated like terrorists. Huh. Wait- that’s not funny at all. Anyhow- if you’re not acting all baffled by the motives of killers or downgrading them from “terrorist” to “protester” then you’re make excuses for them- saying stuff like “it’s not their fault- they’re just mentally troubled kids from messed up families” Well, that’s too damn bad- you know who else was a mentally troubled kid from a messed up family- Osama Bin Laden- and I don’t hear anyone saying we should have cut him a break.

Look, OK, so maybe we don’t need to deport you guys. Maybe we can just round you up and put you in camps or something. It won’t be so bad! You’ll have Fox News and NFL Sunday Ticket and we’ll make sure each camp has a Chick-Fil-A and a Hobby Lobby. Yes, I think you’ll find that Camp Trump is just like home. Well, almost.  You will have to work a lot harder than you’re used to- can’t have you freeloading off the government, after all. And while you may find 12 hours a day of forced agricultural labor to be challenging- you can take comfort in the fact that you’re finally taking  good, American jobs back from the illegal  immigrants who’ve been stealing them away. Oh- and I guess, you’ll need to learn Spanish. I mean, it’s not required or anything- but you’re probably going to want to be able to talk to the cop who drags you out of your truck and starts beating the shit out of you because you have a broken taillight.

But aside from the Spanish and the forced agricultural labor, it’s just like home. Oh, well, except I guess for the six hours per night of Mandatory Re-Education where you’ll learn all about Sharia law, gender neutral pronouns and spotting a racially offensive Halloween costume (HINT: they all are) among many other things. And I know that sounds like we’ll keep you awfully busy- but don’t worry- you’ll still get 6 Cal Seething- 113015- 2dadshours per day to sleep. Assuming, of course, that you can sleep with your eyelids pinned open watching the Campbell’s Soup commercial with the two dads over and over and over again.

But it’s not all forced labor and Re-Education (or Re-Edu-tainment as we like to think of it). There will be festive occasions as well, just you’ve always had. Well, sort of. Every December 25, we’ll bring all of you together to observe “Holiday” by gathering around a 40 foot tall undecorated red Starbucks cup and singing “Imagine” in Arabic to honor the memory of an unwanted Middle Eastern refugee who spoke out against violence, condemned rich people and had two dads. And, of course, on the fourth Thursday of every November we’ll all celebrate “Thanks-for-Nothing” by throwing you out into the woods with a Smallpox infected blanket and sorta hoping you die.

And, don’t worry, you won’t be held there forever- just until you’re able to pass a little loyalty test- which will include:

  • Changing your profile pic to show that you Stand with Planned Parenthood, support Marriage Equality or believe #BlackLivesMatterCal Seething- 113015- yoga
  • Using “white privilege”, “microaggression” and “cultural appropriation” correctly in a sentence. Bonus points if you use all the words in one sentence. Double bonus points if the sentence involves white rappers or yoga.
  • Listening to Colin Powell speak without saying “my, my, my – he’s so well spoken”
  • Listening to Straight Outta Compton in it’s entirety without once saying “I don’t know what this is – but it certainly isn’t music” or “All they say is N-word this and N-word that. But, of course, if I say the N-word- then everyone thinks I’m a racist.”
  • Memorize the rainbow alphabet- LGBTQQIAA (try using the ABC song! “Now I know my LGBT’s. Won’t RuPaul be proud of me”) and know what each letter stands for. When your kids tell you which one of these they are- listen carefully, then hug them and tell them they can always count on your love and support. And if you add “and I’ll be praying for your soul because you’re going to hell” I’ll come down to Camp Trump and beat you myself with the Tolerance Stick.
  • Saying “Thanks, Obama!” without being a total sarcastic dick about it.

And if you pass this little test, we’ll know you’re rehabilitated and ready to live among civilized people.

Or….you could avoid all this unpleasantness and STOP FUCKING SHOOTING PEOPLE. The choice is up to you. We can all come together and stand up to hatemongering extremists everywhere who pervert the teachings of their religion to justify their unthinkable brutality – or you can give them tacit approval by supporting politicians and pundits who fan the flames of destruction with the hot air that spews from their fetid mouths. It’s up to you, really- just don’t take too long, because we’ve got a warm bunk just waiting for you in the gender non-conforming dormitory at Camp Trump and we’re eager to Re-Edu-tain you. Don’t test us.

Hope you had a great Thanks-for-Nothing and wishing you all the best this Holiday season. Maybe try celebrating Cal Seething- 113015- shooteyethis year without guns. Cause, best case scenario, you just shoot your eye out- and worst case scenario….well, let’s make that a Christmas story we don’t have to tell this year. Crap! Sorry! I mean “Holiday” story. I guess it’s off to Camp Trump for me…

[California Seething] Take. The Flag. DOWN.

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Damn my slow writing! I was so disgusted when I saw that the Confederate Battle Flag was still flying over the South Carolina statehouse after the Charleston shooting that I decided to write a FURIOUS SCREED demanding it’s IMMEDIATE REMOVAL. But then- then then then then then- you know what South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley did? Do you know do you know do you know??? Before I could get a chance to finish my post, clean up the more wildly incoherent run on sentences and fix 78% of the more egregious typos- she CALLED FOR THE FLAG’S REMOVAL. Can you believe that? Damn those evil Republicans! Always one step ahead of me. Just look at her there hugging black people.Cal Seething- 062315- nikki Now I’m all pissed off with nowhere to go. This is worse than the time my internet wasn’t working and I called Time Warner just frothing with rage and ready to spew the full Eric Sims all over them and do you know what those unconscionable bastards did??? Do you know do you know do you know??? THEY FIXED IT. Yeah! In like, two seconds, by like…resetting or something. Can you believe it?? Those BASTARDS!!!!  There I was with a mouth full of wonderfully delicious morsels of juicy rage and I had to swallow them all down with a cool glass of bile and be NICE to those fuckers. Damn them!!! There’s nothing worse than Catharsis Interuptis. Anyhow- I wrote the fucking post, so you might as well read it. And the point still stands- there’s all sorts of racist bastards out there still waiving the flag, even though they can’t buy it on Amazon Prime anymore. Plus- not for nothing- the flag is still flying over the statehouse there while they debate it, despite Nikki Haley’s hugs and Bree Newsome’s heroics.  Hey- think about it- Gavin Newsom was the first mayor to legalize gay marriage and on this, of all weekends, Bree Newsome takes down the Confederate flag? COINCIDENCE? Yes. Absolutely. It’s totally meaningless. Still- a Newsome and Newsom ticket for 2016? Eh? Eh? Watch your back Bernie Sanders- they’re coming for you! #keepitdown

So- as you all know nine people were murdered recently in a terrorist act perpetrated upon an African American church in South Carolina. Dylann Storm Roof is the terrorist or, sorry, “troubled youth” as we’re obligated to refer to Cal-Seething--062315--dylanhim because he’s white and not a Muslim. Seriously, you guys, isn’t being white the best? What was Rachel Dolezal thinking? White people get away with everything! (except being black) I’m surprised the cops even arrested Roof- I mean, it’s not like he’s really dangerous or something, you know, like a teenage girl in a bikini or a dude selling loose cigarettes- now that’s scary!

So, yeah, regardless of what the media says- this was a terrorist attack – and the bowl cut, racist, murdering, cracker ass, terrorist piece of shit behind the attack proudly displayed a Confederate flag on his license plate- the same Confederate flag that’s still flying high and proud over the South Carolina statehouse. How is that ok?? Did the Massachusetts statehouse fly the ISIS flag after the Marathon bombings? Fuck no.  And, sure, I know Cal Seething- 062315- isiswhat they say in South Carolina “That’s not a racist symbol- it’s proud reminder of our Southern history and heritage. And- you know what- they’re partially right. It’s true that it’s a reminder of Southern history and heritage- but that is absolutely nothing to be “proud” of. I mean, come on , Southerners, let’s keep it real- you’re ancestors were terrible, terrible people. They seceded from the Union and waged a savage, brutal four year civil war all because they wanted to keep being able to POSSESS other human beings and the rest of the nation thought that maybe, just maybe, it was about time that they should STOP. Is that not the ultimate example of white privilege and entitlement? You snatch people from their homes, chain them up, throw them on a boat, schlep them across the ocean, sell them at auction, rape the women, beat the men, sell off the children, and work them in the fields til they are broken and spent. And after more than two hundred years of getting away with this absolutely repulsive behavior, the rest of the country is like “hey- you know that whole Cal Seething- 062315- slavery‘owning people’ thing you’ve been doing for, like, fucking ever? Yeah….so….could you stop? Cause we were all just thinking- and I’m just spitballing here- that maybe, you know, just maybe, it’s not really all that cool to FUCKING OWN HUMAN BEINGS ANYMORE.” And instead of being like “OK, you got me. I’ve been committing unspeakable atrocities for 200 years out of pure greed and selfishness. My bad.” you have the AUDACITY to act like YOU’RE the victim. Like YOUR liberty is somehow been impinged upon because you can on longer impinge on the liberty of others. Get over it! It’s like clubbing someone over the head to steal their wallet, and then screaming “burglary!” when the police make you give it back.  And it’s the same crap white people bust out when they talk about Affirmative Action or Diversity. And, most recently, it’s what we’ve been hearing from white actors as they whine about how the “PC Police” will no longer ALLOW them to play certain characters of other ethnicities. Oh, the humanity!!! My heart goes out to you! You’ll just have to find a way to content yourself with the other 99.9% of all roles ever written for TV, film and stage cause you can no longer play the fucking King of Siam. Learn a British accent, play Henry Higgins and shut your actor hole.

But, of course, if the professional douchebags of the American right agree to take down the flag, they would be admitting that the shootings were racially motivated- and- well- they just aren’t willing to jump to that conclusion quite yet. Sure- Dylann Roof had white supremacist insignia proudly displayed on his jacket and his Facebook page and a Confederate flag on his car and posted a hideously racist manifesto online and said that black people “rape our women” and spat out racist invective over the bodies of one of his murder victims- but what does that REALLY prove? Surely this is just one of life’s great mysteries, an accident, a tragedy, an inexplicable situation that just…kind of…happened- you know- just one of those things!

Yes, all of those pundits who were able to look so clearly into Dzokhar Tsanernev’s heart and see the pure evil within are suddenly mystified by Dylann Roof’s motivations- as if they are blinded by the glow of his whiteness. “ Terrorist?” They say “How could he be a terrorist?? Look how blondCal Seething- 062315- jtt and moppy his hair is! Why no one with Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ haircut could possibly be a terrorist! Surely this is just a mental health issue. Yeah- mental health- that’s the ticket! Dylann Roof just needed more…you know….mental health…uhm…stuff. The real problem here is that he didn’t get the care he needed. Yeah – that’s it. If only Obama would just pass some sort of  “act” so that people can get better “care”. Wait- no, nevermind. Oh oh oh- I’ve got it! Go with me on this one- Roof killed a bunch of people in a church- right? So….despite everything he said and did and wore and posted on Facebook and had on his car and explicitly wrote about in an online manifesto – this WASN’T about race- this was an attack on…..wait for it…..CHRISTIANITY! BOOM!!! That’s right – it’s just another blow in the FEROCIOUS War on Christianity- I TOLD YOU no good would come of saying “Happy Holidays” – but did those Godless Liberals listen? Nooooooooooo. So, clearly, this attack has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with race and is all about Christianity, and it’s just a total random crazy coincidence that all the people in the church that this Anti-Christian terrorist chose to attack just HAPPENED to be black. Yup. That’s it exactly- and that means that black people have nothing to complain about and we white Christians get to be the real victims- HURRAY!! Victimhood is my favorite. There. Mystery solved. Clearly we’ve proven that racism doesn’t exist in America any more. It’s just something our Muslim Black African President uses to rile up the Jews and the Mexicans.” It’s brilliant, really- a classic Republican stratagem. Ignore the obvious for the expedient. Hey- if it’s good enough for climate change- it’s good enough for domestic terrorism! (it’s not for either).

And so the pundits and politicos obfuscate and confuse. They say “this is a complicated situation with no easy answers”. But we all know that’s a load of shit. It’s a very straightforward situation with painfully simple answers – we just don’t want to hear them because they are, well, painful. So we shake our heads and wring our hands. Another shooting – another moment of silence. We try absolutely nothing to fix the problem and are then astonished when that doesn’t work. And more people die. And more moments of silence and I say enough. No more obfuscating no more hand wringing and no more goddamn moments of silence. Fuck silence- that’s what got us in this mess to begin with. Silence in the face of the gun lobby. Silence in the face of the hatemongers. Silence when confronted with reactionary racists who dress their ugly ideology in Confederate chivalry, petticoats and lace. Let’s do away with the moments of silence- let’s have moments of being UNBELIEVABLY LOUD instead (and not just because I’m better at that). The next time someone gets shot- – no you know what, fuck that- this time – I say we take a moment to scream at the top of our lungs – NO MORE GUNS, NO MORE HATE- AND TAKE THAT FUCKING FLAG DOWN!!!! Sure it’s easier said than done- but, hey, if we don’t start saying it, we ain’t never gonna do it- and more people will silenced permanently.

Reverend Clementa PickneyCal Seething- 061815- victims
Reverend Sharonda Singelton
Myra Thompson
Tywanza Sanders
Ethel Lee Lance
Cynthia Hurd
Reverend Daniel Simmons Sr.
Reverend DePayne Middleton-Doctor
Susie Jackson

May your memories be for a blessing all.

Dylann Storm Roof (which is totally not even your real name). May you die alone and forgotten and be erased from memory. May your acts of terror expedite the demise of the hateful flag you venerate. Awww- it won’t be so bad Southern white people- you can just fly the rainbow flag instead. After all- THAT’S the flag of winners.

Cal Seething- 061815- rainbow