Damn my slow writing! I was so disgusted when I saw that the Confederate Battle Flag was still flying over the South Carolina statehouse after the Charleston shooting that I decided to write a FURIOUS SCREED demanding it’s IMMEDIATE REMOVAL. But then- then then then then then- you know what South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley did? Do you know do you know do you know??? Before I could get a chance to finish my post, clean up the more wildly incoherent run on sentences and fix 78% of the more egregious typos- she CALLED FOR THE FLAG’S REMOVAL. Can you believe that? Damn those evil Republicans! Always one step ahead of me. Just look at her there hugging black people. Now I’m all pissed off with nowhere to go. This is worse than the time my internet wasn’t working and I called Time Warner just frothing with rage and ready to spew the full Eric Sims all over them and do you know what those unconscionable bastards did??? Do you know do you know do you know??? THEY FIXED IT. Yeah! In like, two seconds, by like…resetting or something. Can you believe it?? Those BASTARDS!!!!  There I was with a mouth full of wonderfully delicious morsels of juicy rage and I had to swallow them all down with a cool glass of bile and be NICE to those fuckers. Damn them!!! There’s nothing worse than Catharsis Interuptis. Anyhow- I wrote the fucking post, so you might as well read it. And the point still stands- there’s all sorts of racist bastards out there still waiving the flag, even though they can’t buy it on Amazon Prime anymore. Plus- not for nothing- the flag is still flying over the statehouse there while they debate it, despite Nikki Haley’s hugs and Bree Newsome’s heroics.  Hey- think about it- Gavin Newsom was the first mayor to legalize gay marriage and on this, of all weekends, Bree Newsome takes down the Confederate flag? COINCIDENCE? Yes. Absolutely. It’s totally meaningless. Still- a Newsome and Newsom ticket for 2016? Eh? Eh? Watch your back Bernie Sanders- they’re coming for you! #keepitdown

So- as you all know nine people were murdered recently in a terrorist act perpetrated upon an African American church in South Carolina. Dylann Storm Roof is the terrorist or, sorry, “troubled youth” as we’re obligated to refer to him because he’s white and not a Muslim. Seriously, you guys, isn’t being white the best? What was Rachel Dolezal thinking? White people get away with everything! (except being black) I’m surprised the cops even arrested Roof- I mean, it’s not like he’s really dangerous or something, you know, like a teenage girl in a bikini or a dude selling loose cigarettes- now that’s scary!

So, yeah, regardless of what the media says- this was a terrorist attack – and the bowl cut, racist, murdering, cracker ass, terrorist piece of shit behind the attack proudly displayed a Confederate flag on his license plate- the same Confederate flag that’s still flying high and proud over the South Carolina statehouse. How is that ok?? Did the Massachusetts statehouse fly the ISIS flag after the Marathon bombings? Fuck no.  And, sure, I know what they say in South Carolina “That’s not a racist symbol- it’s proud reminder of our Southern history and heritage. And- you know what- they’re partially right. It’s true that it’s a reminder of Southern history and heritage- but that is absolutely nothing to be “proud” of. I mean, come on , Southerners, let’s keep it real- you’re ancestors were terrible, terrible people. They seceded from the Union and waged a savage, brutal four year civil war all because they wanted to keep being able to POSSESS other human beings and the rest of the nation thought that maybe, just maybe, it was about time that they should STOP. Is that not the ultimate example of white privilege and entitlement? You snatch people from their homes, chain them up, throw them on a boat, schlep them across the ocean, sell them at auction, rape the women, beat the men, sell off the children, and work them in the fields til they are broken and spent. And after more than two hundred years of getting away with this absolutely repulsive behavior, the rest of the country is like “hey- you know that whole ‘owning people’ thing you’ve been doing for, like, fucking ever? Yeah….so….could you stop? Cause we were all just thinking- and I’m just spitballing here- that maybe, you know, just maybe, it’s not really all that cool to FUCKING OWN HUMAN BEINGS ANYMORE.” And instead of being like “OK, you got me. I’ve been committing unspeakable atrocities for 200 years out of pure greed and selfishness. My bad.” you have the AUDACITY to act like YOU’RE the victim. Like YOUR liberty is somehow been impinged upon because you can on longer impinge on the liberty of others. Get over it! It’s like clubbing someone over the head to steal their wallet, and then screaming “burglary!” when the police make you give it back.  And it’s the same crap white people bust out when they talk about Affirmative Action or Diversity. And, most recently, it’s what we’ve been hearing from white actors as they whine about how the “PC Police” will no longer ALLOW them to play certain characters of other ethnicities. Oh, the humanity!!! My heart goes out to you! You’ll just have to find a way to content yourself with the other 99.9% of all roles ever written for TV, film and stage cause you can no longer play the fucking King of Siam. Learn a British accent, play Henry Higgins and shut your actor hole.

But, of course, if the professional douchebags of the American right agree to take down the flag, they would be admitting that the shootings were racially motivated- and- well- they just aren’t willing to jump to that conclusion quite yet. Sure- Dylann Roof had white supremacist insignia proudly displayed on his jacket and his Facebook page and a Confederate flag on his car and posted a hideously racist manifesto online and said that black people “rape our women” and spat out racist invective over the bodies of one of his murder victims- but what does that REALLY prove? Surely this is just one of life’s great mysteries, an accident, a tragedy, an inexplicable situation that just…kind of…happened- you know- just one of those things!

Yes, all of those pundits who were able to look so clearly into Dzokhar Tsanernev’s heart and see the pure evil within are suddenly mystified by Dylann Roof’s motivations- as if they are blinded by the glow of his whiteness. “ Terrorist?” They say “How could he be a terrorist?? Look how blond and moppy his hair is! Why no one with Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ haircut could possibly be a terrorist! Surely this is just a mental health issue. Yeah- mental health- that’s the ticket! Dylann Roof just needed more…you know….mental health…uhm…stuff. The real problem here is that he didn’t get the care he needed. Yeah – that’s it. If only Obama would just pass some sort of  “act” so that people can get better “care”. Wait- no, nevermind. Oh oh oh- I’ve got it! Go with me on this one- Roof killed a bunch of people in a church- right? So….despite everything he said and did and wore and posted on Facebook and had on his car and explicitly wrote about in an online manifesto – this WASN’T about race- this was an attack on…..wait for it…..CHRISTIANITY! BOOM!!! That’s right – it’s just another blow in the FEROCIOUS War on Christianity- I TOLD YOU no good would come of saying “Happy Holidays” – but did those Godless Liberals listen? Nooooooooooo. So, clearly, this attack has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with race and is all about Christianity, and it’s just a total random crazy coincidence that all the people in the church that this Anti-Christian terrorist chose to attack just HAPPENED to be black. Yup. That’s it exactly- and that means that black people have nothing to complain about and we white Christians get to be the real victims- HURRAY!! Victimhood is my favorite. There. Mystery solved. Clearly we’ve proven that racism doesn’t exist in America any more. It’s just something our Muslim Black African President uses to rile up the Jews and the Mexicans.” It’s brilliant, really- a classic Republican stratagem. Ignore the obvious for the expedient. Hey- if it’s good enough for climate change- it’s good enough for domestic terrorism! (it’s not for either).

And so the pundits and politicos obfuscate and confuse. They say “this is a complicated situation with no easy answers”. But we all know that’s a load of shit. It’s a very straightforward situation with painfully simple answers – we just don’t want to hear them because they are, well, painful. So we shake our heads and wring our hands. Another shooting – another moment of silence. We try absolutely nothing to fix the problem and are then astonished when that doesn’t work. And more people die. And more moments of silence and I say enough. No more obfuscating no more hand wringing and no more goddamn moments of silence. Fuck silence- that’s what got us in this mess to begin with. Silence in the face of the gun lobby. Silence in the face of the hatemongers. Silence when confronted with reactionary racists who dress their ugly ideology in Confederate chivalry, petticoats and lace. Let’s do away with the moments of silence- let’s have moments of being UNBELIEVABLY LOUD instead (and not just because I’m better at that). The next time someone gets shot- – no you know what, fuck that- this time – I say we take a moment to scream at the top of our lungs – NO MORE GUNS, NO MORE HATE- AND TAKE THAT FUCKING FLAG DOWN!!!! Sure it’s easier said than done- but, hey, if we don’t start saying it, we ain’t never gonna do it- and more people will silenced permanently.

Reverend Clementa Pickney
Reverend Sharonda Singelton
Myra Thompson
Tywanza Sanders
Ethel Lee Lance
Cynthia Hurd
Reverend Daniel Simmons Sr.
Reverend DePayne Middleton-Doctor
Susie Jackson

May your memories be for a blessing all.

Dylann Storm Roof (which is totally not even your real name). May you die alone and forgotten and be erased from memory. May your acts of terror expedite the demise of the hateful flag you venerate. Awww- it won’t be so bad Southern white people- you can just fly the rainbow flag instead. After all- THAT’S the flag of winners.