Loading...Suffering from the crippling lifestyle addiction of theatre? Allow me to aid you in the road to recovery from this soul-sucking half-life dedicated to willfully ephemeral art. It’s not that awful-hard.
Before we begin, I must caution you that my psychological credentials extend to a few walk-on sight gags, wild hair and a lab coat I use for private-time funsies. I believe that ranks me somewhere between doctors Phil and Laura, perhaps on par with Dr. Pepper. Allons-y!
Do you catch yourself:
• Drifting from wage-slave stopgap to entry-level slop trap working long hours to support theatre?
• Prioritizing rehearsals, auditions and theatre shenanigans over your family’s needs?
• Unable to control the amount of theatre you engage in?
• Needing to see more and more theatre to happen upon an experience that seems worthwhile?
• Seeing theatre during matinees, for long periods of time or alone?
• Giving up other hobbies or interests to pursue theatre?
• Displaying physical signs of theatre dependence, such as weight loss, hair loss, ulcers, high blood pressure or pallor?
• Taking work in theatre even though it continues to cause and exacerbate your health problems?
Many like you have already identified their reliance on theatre. One of the first steps away from the roar of the paint and the smell of the crowd is identifying the highly useful skills you have developed in vain. You may be surprised to discover your formerly fruitless career has simply been preparation for an actual life of fiscal sustainability!
• Lighting techs: Park yourself near the entrance of office rooms. Charge an operator’s fee for each lighting change.
• Sound guys: Start charging consulting fees for all the tech support calls you get from friends and older relatives.
• Projection designers: Stop getting tricked into making plays into shitty movies on stage and just make movies.
• Company managers: I don’t know what you do. I’m not sure anybody does. You’re probably getting boned into doing a bunch of work nobody else wanted to do.
• Scenic designers: Obviously interior design isn’t going to work if you don’t tell people you totally fung shui.
• Carps: You can get paid slightly less to lift things in the freight industry! Now your hobby is a job!
• Administrative staff: There’s ample room for you to fritter away money on things nobody wants in Government!
• Career ushers: Don a cape and cowl. Run around the cheap-seat movie theatres shushing problem patrons and stealing the brighter text-a-ma-phones. YOU ARE THE HERO GOTHAM DESERVES
• Actors: Everyone in retail spends eight hours a day desperately hoping and pretending to be anyone but themselves.
• Musicians: You don’t make any money and won’t anyway. You might as well play those parties you keep getting invited to; at least you might get beer.
• Scenic painters: Somebody has to chalk all those coffeeshop signs. With another degree or two, you could one day intern for that person.
• Lighting designers: Go into stand-up comedy. Tell stories of the adults you’ve hired to hang lights and their shenanigans. If you struggle, you can always fall back on the ten jokes you’ve overheard at every hang ever, including a blackout gag rendition of “Blinded by the Light.” Seriously, how is it everybody thinks they’re the clever one.
• Stage managers: You realize there are millions of professional managers that work nowhere near as hard as you do, right? I mean, like, they might make one spreadsheet. You can still go large at parties.
• Composers: Look into ringtones. It’s a burgeoning business, or at least it was in 2005.
• Props designers: It’s called Etsy. Don’t pretend you don’t already know. It’s the worst kept secret of Los Feliz.
• Costume designers: I’m gonna go with Etsy again.
• Playwrights: You know, I’m bored; take your old plays, Papier Mâché them onto baskets, Etsy.
Ways to transition
• Walk from one gig.
• Run screaming from the building.
• Perhaps fire?
• Teach the young children of the creative team some extremely articulate insults. This will be difficult; their parents are theatre people.
• Tell a director, producer, cast member, lead actor, publicity person, artistic director or the press exactly what you thought of the last show you worked on with them.
As soon as you establish reasonable boundaries and a take-no-shit attitude, the theatre work will dry up overnight! You’ll be free to recklessly enjoy your life of productive excess, without worrying that-
Shit. Well, apparently, trying to bail just makes people add a couple notes to your fees. Okay, I’ll get back to you when I finish the tech I just got hired for…
