Look, I’ve never been to Russia. For Jews, Russia isn’t a place we go to, it’s a place we flee from. All I know is that when I read all the crazy stories coming from Sochi about nightmarish accommodations where the only thing that works right is the camera in the shower , I want to build a time machine, go back to 1921 and give my great grandmother a great big sloppy kiss and a box of See’s Candy for getting the fuck out of that godforsaken shithole of a country with it’s unique brand of cold, misery, drunkenness, feral dogs, violence, repression, xenophobia, homophobia, corruption, incompetence, Pogroms and ballet and making her way to Troy, NY….with it’s unique brand of cold, misery, drunkenness, repression, corruption, incompetence- but…no Pogroms- so, you, know, baby steps (no ballet either). Just think about that for a second- Troy was a BETTER alternative to Russia- do you know how few things Troy is better than? You can’t even make a Jeopardy category out of it- pretty much just Russia, suffocating to death in an abandoned fridge, and Utica. Even Worcester and chlamydia don’t make the cut (don’t get cocky, Worcester- you’ve got a long way to go to catch up with bacne.)

So, naturally I was a little concerned when I was chosen to cover the Olympics for Been & Going but then I remembered that we have no money, so I would just be covering the Olympics from the couch. Which means, on the bright side, I won’t get pink eye from a Soviet era jizz covered pillowcase like Bob Costas, but if my tap water does look like piss, I can’t blame Putin. (SOCHI DRINKING GAME: Do a shot of vodka every time Putin is shown or mentioned. Then vomit prodigiously after the first hour of prime time coverage- not from the vodka but because he’s such a sickening piece of shit. Also cause of the vodka.)

Those of us that grew up during the Cold War were made to believe that Russia was a terrible place because of Communism. But now that the Cold War has been over for more than 20 years (can you believe it? Almost all the Olympic athletes were born after it ended. Isn’t that great? I love kids from the 90’s – they make kids from the 80’s feel bad about themselves) it is clear that Communism was never really the problem. In fact, it’s quite the opposite- Communism was a perfectly good political philosophy that was totally ruined by when the Russians co-opted it- the way Grunge was ruined by frat boys and Facebook was ruined by Moms.

But all that Communism stuff is in the past. This is New Russia, the Strong Russia, Putin’s Russia (SHOT!). A Russia that honors its hateful past while marching bravely to a hateful future. And to honor Russia’s history and culture Putin invited the Cossacks to assist with security at the Games. The Cossacks, for those that don’t know, are a proud warrior caste with a long and distinguished history of wearing huge hats and killing Jews- and they’re damn good at it! For centuries, nobody killed Jews like the Cossacks. If Hitler is the Michael Jordan of killing Jews, these guys are Doctor J. It’s like bringing in the Klan to honor Southern history and culture . Don’t get me wrong- I don’t mean to suggest that Putin is going after Jews. I mean, I’m sure he would if he could find any, but he’s found it a lot easier to go after LGBTQ (did I get all the letters?) individuals- a strategy he refers to as “beating the low hanging fruit”. So one unintended upside of having the Olympics in Sochi is that there may be much more awareness of the horrendous human rights abuses taking place in Russia. After all, if SportsCenter is having a conversation about Equality and it doesn’t have to do with how competitive the NFC West is, then that can’t be a bad thing.

Also, it’s a great opportunity for protest. Like snowboarder Alex Sobolev who openly displayed an illustration of a woman in a ski mask on the bottom of his board after competing- clearly as a tribute to Pussy Riot. I got to tell you, this really makes it clear what a gigantic chicken Shawn White is for pulling out of the Slopestyle event cause the course was too tough. I mean, Sobolev is not only taking on the course- he’s taking on the wrath of a ruthless dictator while little Shawney Whitey-poo won’t even snowboard on the mean old Slopestyle course cause he’s afraid that his precious little haircut will get messed up by a catastrophic brain injury– wah-wah-wah…cue Arrested Development style chicken dance….now. Still- I hope that the course claims Sobolev before Putin gets his hands on him. That Olympic cauldron is fueled with stray dogs and the bones of athletes who thought they had something to say. (UPDATE: The board’s designers have announced that the image of the woman in the ski mask was not inspired by Pussy Riot and any resemblance is strictly coincidental much to the disappointment of bloodthirsty Cossacks and wild dogs looking forward to having snowboarder for dinner.)

Anyhow, I know that many of you aren’t watching the Olympics due to politics or apathy or because you’re reading this column right now and thinking CRAP! I totally forgot the Olympics were on! So, for all of you and also those that are actually watching the Games- here’s my first installment from Sochi- a recap of the Opening Ceremonies. Now, for those of you that followed my Epic Live Blog of the event- don’t worry – there’s lots of new stuff, too! But if you do happen to come across a joke that you’ve seen before, I ask that you please laugh again because I’m incredibly needy. You can make a drinking game out of it and do a shot of vodka after each joke you’ve heard already. Hopefully you won’t get violently ill after the first paragraph, not just because of the vodka but because I’m such a sickening hack.

This was the first fail of the Sochi games. Well, second if you include “being in Sochi”. Or, third, I suppose, if you include choosing “Hot. Cool. Yours” as the slogan. I thought the Russians were against gay propaganda? Anyhow, it was the first fail of the Opening Ceremonies- although in Russia, they didn’t actually show the gaffe- choosing instead to show rehearsal footage where the snowflakes all transformed perfectly- which means that the children of the “Snowflake Technician” will never know why Daddy didn’t come home from the Olympics the day before their house burned down. They were so proud of him. They made construction paper cards and everything.

Look- it’s an innocent young Russian girl about to be sold into white slavery  (SHOT!) This is just Putin’s way of teasing childless Americans with all the beautiful blond children they can’t get any more. What a dick- it’s like eating ice cream in front of a diabetic. I mean he’s quite literally dangling her right in front of us – he might as well be saying “Ooooh, look Americans. It’s a gorgeous blue eyed little white girl- want to adopt?? PSYCH! No white baby for you. Oh, boo-hoo, does that make you sad? Here is quarter, call China.” Not that I can blame Putin- who knows what sort of Western evils children may be exposed to in America while they are being raised by parents who love and nurture them and would do anything to give them a better life. Much safer to leave them in orphanages where they can be emotionally and physically abused in the traditional Russian way (SPOILER ALERT: The Russians don’t always love their children, too #sorrysting)

Wow! The Gay Men’s Chorus is really rockin’ that Russian anthem. Who’s Hot, who’s Cool and who’s Yours? MEOW. (SHOT!)

This is not to be confused with the Russian Police Chorus whose performance of Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky” has charmed the world in a patronizing cat-video “oooh look, they think they’re people” sort of way. But, fair enough, I get it, those Russian policemen are totes adorbs right up until they scream “faggot” and crack open your skull with a stick.

Time for a quick word of thanks to the four most important Olympic sponsors- Coke, McDonald’s, Greed and Irony. If you’ve had a Coke in the last 86 years, then you’re part of the Olympic Dream and Michelle Obama’s worst nightmares.

Oh boy- it’s the Parade of Nations- and remember, they’re going to enter in the order of the Cyrillic alphabet. Oh Russia, you’re so cute. You’re attitude towards gays is as backwards as your “R”s (SHOT!)

Hey Sochi, the future called, they want their hookers back. (SHOT!)

Look- it’s Israel- go Israel go! No, seriously, go, get the hell out – they have Cossacks doing security for God’s sake- RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE. (SHOT! This is starting to get embarrassing.)

And- right after Israel, we’ve got Iran. Bob Costas (or Matt Lauer- who can tell?) was a little snarky about this- suggesting that Israelis and Iranians can’t get along when they’re in close proximity. Clearly Bob Costas hasn’t been to Beverly Hills recently. I mean, hey- the Beverly Center’s not knee deep in blood so they should be able to stand next to each other in line for a few minutes peacefully, as long as they don’t run out of baba ghanoush on the craft services table.

Seriously, Bermuda- put some fucking pants on. Grow up already. You look like the cast of Richie Rich: The Musical (AMERICAN CHOPPER Fans: substitute Mikey Tuttle: The Musical. It’s actually funnier.)

Seriously, Nepal, get a real flag. You’re like the girl who wore the tu-tu on her first day of kindergarten. I know everybody made a oood and ahhhed and said how adorable it was, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got to keep wearing it every day til you’re in fifth grade and  it’s all torn and covered in chocolate stains and the teachers want to put you in Special Ed. It’s like your 11^th Olympics already, Nepal. You’re a big girl country now, get a big girl flag.

Seriously Putin, would it kill you to fucking smile? You look like $1 billion went into the Olympics and the other $50 billion is shoved up your ass. (SHOT!- cause of Putin and the joke you’ve heard. So- 2 SHOTS!) I know, I know, it sucks seeing all these countries walk in that should just be part of the USSR. I get it- I wish the Parade of Nations were shorter too. At least I can watch House Hunters when this gets boring while you’re stuck there having to clap for Kyrgyzstan. And, yeah, I don’t want to live in a world where I have to spell Kyrgyzstan either- but come, on it’s not so bad. You can still exert your will and crush their democracies when they try and join the E.U. Come on, who’s a happy dictator? Who’s a happy dictator??There you go! Now that wasn’t so bad was it?

Look- the Jamaican Bobsled Team is back! They couldn’t make it for the last two Olympics, but they weren’t gonna miss this one, cause they heard the guys from Colorado has some primo shit. You know, a lot of people have been saying that the Winter Olympics unfairly favors small, white European nations way out of proportion to their actual population or importance in today’s world, but I actually think it’s better to be from a country with no winter sports tradition, since you can be terrible at your event and still totally make it to the Olympics cause you’re the only one who does it. Just ask Mongolia’s top figure skater, this guy:Doesn’t look like much, but he’s the goddamn Gracie Gold of Ulan Bator. I mean, If you’re a Norwegian cross country skier and you don’t medal- you’re derided in the press and publically ridiculed – but all this Mongolian guy has to do is carry a flag in his underpants and he’s a goddamn inspirational Olympic hero.

Plus- have you been to Norway in winter? Cross Country skiing is all they have to live for. When Norway didn’t medal in 2010, they were pulling white people out of fjords until the middle of August- which is like two weeks longer than usual.

Speaking of Olympians from small countries- here’s my favorite Tongan luger Bruno Banani.

Banani, who was born Fuahea Semi but changed his name 8 years ago to match his sponsor, German underwear manufacturer Bruno Banani. Can you imagine such crass, vulgar commercialism at the Olympics? Bob Costas certainly gave him a piece of his mind during the Subway Fresh Talk Minute. I would love to get on the condemnation train, but I would change my name to Calvin Klein in a second for a $200 donation to Been & Going and a pair of husky sized boxer briefs. Not that Calvin Klein is banging down my door exactly. I wonder who made those undies for the Mongolian team? Blue is totally my color.

U-S-A! U-S-A! Better not dip that flag! Unlike every other country in the world, the U.S. hasn’t dipped our flag in salute to the home country’s ruler since 1932- also, the first year we were elected “Douchiest Olympians” by the rest of the world (still undefeated!). Personally, I think it’s great- fuck the world! It’s chest pounding, eagle flying, unabashed jingoism time- hell, that’s what the Olympics are all about! It’s the only time we get to shamelessly kick other country’s butts without having to feel bad or worry about building democracy afterwards.

Thank god. The Russian team. Finally someone I can shamelessly boo. Boo, Ruskies, booo! Go back to Russia…oh wait. Also, this means the Parade of Nations is over- and it’s about damn time. Now I know how the Russians used to feel when they waited in line for bread. And aren’t things so much better there now that they have no bread at all?

OK, so this part is a celebration of Russia’s history. See- that’s St. Basil’s Cathedral- and according to Matt Lauer (or is it Bob Costas?) “St. Basil’s Cathedral was built by Ivan the Terrible, who poked out the architect’s eyes so it could never be repeated.” Let’s be clear, folks,- this is the feel good part of the show. (SHOT!)

Now we come to one of the most beautiful parts of the night. The extremely lengthy ballet sequence inspired by War and Peace. This is a stirring reminder of Russia’s contributions to the arts. The music of Tchaikovsky, the films of Eisentstein, the ballet of Diaghilev – so many of the world’s unbelievably boring masterworks were given to us by Russian homosexuals. Is it any wonder they fought a revolution? This was the entertainment of the times. I would start a revolution, too just to get out of sitting through another fucking Swan Lake. Hell, I went to see The Cherry Orchard and almost burned the theatre down at intermission just so I could get them to STOP WHINING AND SELL THE FUCKING ORCHARD. SELL IT SELL IT SELL IT SELL IT SELL IT SELL IT SELL IT!!!!!! You’re broke, you’re desperate, the summer cottage people are gonna give you top Ruble and I just want to go home so shut your fucking borscht hole already and SELL THE GODDAMN ORCHARD!!!!!! God, I hate Chekhov. Unless you’re talking about the navigator on Star Trek, I want nothing to do with him.

Of course, as the Opening Ceremonies taught us, there was no Revolution in Russia- just a peaceful transition into an era of industrialization and growth- followed, of course, by the wild and crazy rock n’ roll years of the swingin’ Stalinist 50’s- see:

Gotta love these ceremonies. They took Battleship Potemkin and remade it into Bye, Bye Birdie. It’s like Russia’s applying for its place in the modern world with the most bullshit resume ever. Now I don’t feel so bad about exaggerating my JavaScript skills and saying I speak French. At least I didn’t TOTALLY FALSIFY ALL OF MY EXPERIENCE IN THE 20^TH CENTURY (just parts of the 90’s).

Of course, Russians weren’t the only ones engaging in a little bit of revisionism. NBC did it’s part by cutting the anti-discrimination statement out of IOC Thomas Bach’s speech because Russia promised to give Bob Costas his real eye drops back.

Now there are those that are cynically saying this omission was political- but those people are showing no respect for NBC’s proud and storied legacy of bungling incompetence at the Olympics. Personally, I prefer to believe that this omission was not the result of censorship and repression but rather corporate greed, terrible decision making and mind boggling incompetence. But then again, I’m an optimist.

Well, there you have it. Despite all the apprehension, The Opening Ceremonies went off almost without a hitch much to the disappointment of millions including myself.  For the next two weeks, we’ll enjoy skating, skiing and the dulcet tones of Mary Carillo’s disturbingly masculine voice as she travels through Russia looking for stuff to film that will make it seem less hateful to us. Yeah, good luck with that, Mary. As for me, I’m looking forward to enjoying the Olympics from the comfort of my couch where the only dog is mine and he sure as hell ain’t wild (unless you count “fuzzy lump on the floor” as “being wild”) and I don’t have to share a toilet stall (so nice of the Russian Olympic Committee to hire Larry Craig as a consultant). Stay tuned for a complete Olympic recap in my next post  (plus some other stuff)- meanwhile, as Putin’s girlfriend said “who do I have to fuck to light the Olympic cauldron around here?” (SHOT! Ugh- I don’t feel so good).

Written by: Eric Sims on February 10, 2014.