On a recent Sunday, the ABQ Journal, our earnest chronicler of desert doings, devoted page one to the sorry saga of ABQ’s dwindling, crime-ridden downtown. The very next day, the ABQ Journal’s front page headline announced, “Councilors seek to handcuff ‘COPS’ producers.”

Holy stupefying disconnect!

It seems that the “Bad Boys” themed reality TV show, “COPS” wants to film in and around ABQ.  ABQ’s mayor and the City Council got all hissy-pissy and want to bar the show from filming or at least from giving even the teeniest weeniest little hint that it was filmed in our not so fair city.
The City Council President declared with a straight face and no eye-rolling that “…the negative light the show [COPS] puts on  Albuquerque could affect economic development, as well as damage the nation’s perception of the city.”
The nation’s what?!
“Hello, nation. What’s your perception of Albuquerque?”
“Where?”
“Albuquerque, New Mexico.”
“Is that where they legalized pot?”
“No. That’s Colorado.”
“Oh, what was that place, again? Alba…something…”
etc.

Reality  check, Mr. Mayor and City Councilors.
Someone can’t see the forest for the trees; can’t tell his a** from his elbow; wouldn’t know a stupendous opportunity if it jumped up and bit her on the nose; and every other down-home cliche which shouts, “Wake up and smell the coffee and donuts!”
Look!  You’ve got a cops based reality show eager to do an episode on crime fighting in ABQ…and you’ve got a crime-ridden, commercially crummy downtown.  Hmm?

Ok, Mr. Mayor, et al, let’s try again.
Remember how ABQ went all star-struck and showbizzy about “Breaking Bad?”  From guacamole to the car wash and “Saul’s” office in a shlumpy strip mall, ABQ reveled in its brief burst of being trendy and cool instead of being a dusty  outpost that nobody can spell in a state that doesn’t even have a single pro sports team.
True, “Breaking Bad,” the new “Welcome Back, Cotter,” was fictional, and, of course, there are no meth houses in ABQ (Well, hardly any.  Well, a few. OK! OK! There are meth houses in ABQ! Satisfied?”) But COPS is even better, because it shows our stalwart law enforcement personnel taking real criminals off real streets.  What “Dallas” does for Dallas; what “The Sopranos” did for Jersey, COPS can do for ABQ – make us a household name, a water cooler wonder!

ABQ should be flattered that a real live action-packed TV reality show wants to film here. Do you think COPS bestows its mass media largess on any old sluggish backwater  locale?  No way – unless by “sluggish” you mean a one-time triple ax murder complete with sex slaves and a Ponzi scheme, but barring that, no way! So if COPS chose ABQ, that would put us on the map or on You Tube, for sure.

YO!  You downtown merchants whining about wimpy customers shunning your establishments for fear of “crime,” don’t close up and slink away.  Get on the Bad Boy bandwagon.  Get your money’s worth by just being  where the COPS action is.  Don’t be dismayed by criminal shenanigans on your front stoop.  Profit from them with an “economic development” campaign.  Picture this:
A Murder, Mayhem, and Mugging Tour of every dirty deed COPS captured on tape.  Dub dank, sinister backstreets as stops on the COPS CARAVAN.
Offer foodie fun like a Pastrami-Egg salad-on Rye-with a Pickle (a PERP sandwich).
Sell T-shirts proclaiming, “I didn’t get kicked (or shot or stabbed) on Route 66!”
or “Welcome to KOPS City – Keep Out PerpS!”
or “Bad Boys, this cuff’s for you!”
Give discounts (if you don’t already…just in case…) to Law Enforcement “celebrities” who will mingle,  schmooze, and pose for selfies with the customers in your shop.

And, Candy Lady, in your new Old Town location, how about adding chocolate glocks to your “Adult Room” selection and wrapping your boxes of truffles in crime scene tape?

C’mon folks.  Don’t bluster and fret about ABQ’s image.  COPS will show the world that “ABQ won’t cave in on crime.”  (Get that on a gross of T-shirts, Bernie!”)

Wise up, Mr. Mayor and City Councilors. Let COPS freely film their sleazy, sensation-seeking hearts out in  (Make sure they spell it right.)  ALBUQUERQUE!
It would be a crime not to.

Written by: Ronni Sims on March 5, 2014.