To a pounding , pulsating western beat, an eye- catching panorama unfolds: glittering gem-like skyscrapers, cattle herds thundering across vast green pastures, the sprawling white ranch house atop that oil-rich  land…
It’s ….NO! Not Albuquerque!
Guess again – Home of those charming connivers, the Ewings. Site of titillating internecine intrigue at Southfork. TNT’s remarkably successful resurrection of that 80’s prime time soap classic.  YES! It’s “Dallas!”  Dallas the city and “Dallas” the show whose new season premiers this week.
While monsoon rains move ABQ’s wetness needle from “severe drought” to “almost-enough- moisture- for-the- next-week”; while pint-sized piddlers leave nasty puddles by the polar bears at the ABQ zoo, I’ve been watching re-runs of “Dallas.”
Although JR Ewing, the deliciously mischievous manipulator (played to perfection by the late Larry Hagman) is no more, his devilish spirit is cleverly woven throughout the convoluted story arcs about the next generation of Ewings, Barnes, et al. “Dallas” originals, age-defying Linda Gray and Patrick Duffy continue their must-see machinations as Sue Ellen and Bobby Ewing, while newcomers Mitch Pillegi  (“X-Files) and Judith Light “(Who’s  The Boss?”) play the most despicably dysfunctional mother and son since Oedipus and…uhm….Mamapus?
Everything on “Dallas” is larger than life – definitely larger than life in ABQ and NM!
Remember the endangered lesser prairie chicken from a previous post? Well, when NM’s real life Congressional Representative, Steve Pierce, held a town hall meeting about the lesser prairie chicken, the Washington Post clucked,”Congressman’s Town Hall Is For The Birds!”
BUT, when Bobby needed a quick ploy to keep John Ross (JR’s boy) from fracking on South Fork – AH HAH! Bobby waggled a caged LPC  and smirked, “Isn’t he cute?” as John Ross (a muscular, mustached chip off the old JR block ) fumed at being kept from fracking his brains out on the endangered fowl’s fields.

When not fracking, the Dallas characters are busy f….fraternizing. From sassy, besotted, seventy something Sue Ellen to the steamy nubile threesome in last season’s finale (Downloadnetflixyoutube this one!), every “Dallas” character capable of unzipping a zipper is ready to “do it” at the drop of a plot line.
Everybody gets screwed one way or another as the xxx-hilarating  episodes unfold against the greedy grandeur of Dallas.

True, ABQ has had its sordid share of TV time:

There was “In Plain Sight” where ABQ served as a bleak, gritty, out of the way place  to stash folks in witness protection.
And let’s not forget “Breaking Bad” where ABQ was portrayed as a seedy spot to cook meth and stay far away from public education.
“Quagmire” or something like that, a show about a sheriff, filmed here with ABQ playing the role of a fictional western town, you know, because we have expanses of dusty sand and tumbleweeds ( perfect habitat, btw, for the lesser you -know -what). But ABQ has yet to rise to the glossy, sensuous, scheming  televised heights of “Dallas” filmed in Dallas.
Where Dallas reeks of oil deals with Arab sheikhs, ABQ awaits the autumn aroma of roasting chile peppers. Where Dallas’ denizens plot and play in posh restaurants and sleek hotels, ABQ seeks to lure residents and visitors to its “NM True Breakfast Burrito Byway” and  the “Green Chile Cheeseburger Trail.” (Seriously!)
In a word, where Dallas (the city and the show ) has charisma, ABQ has charred chile peppers and chagrined polar bears. On a charisma scale of 1 to 10, ABQ is pushing 1 and not pushing very hard. C’mon Duke City ( a nickname for ABQ because it was founded by the Duke of Alburquerque who couldn’t spell), you can do better, Darlin’. You have sensational scenery and actually the breakfast burritos and green chile cheeseburgers are pretty good, just not exactly charismatic.
There’s help on the way, though. As the Wall Street Journal advised in an article titled “The Charisma Boot Camp,” building charisma involves “a magical mix of confidence, charm, and communications skills…” Hey, ABQ, you can do that, even though your whole downtown could be a miniature golf course on a side street in urban Dallas.
For a boost in the “confidence, charm, and communications” department, listen up!
The ABQ Journal reported on the front page just this week that plans are afoot to build a river otter exhibit at the ABQ aquarium. The chance to see the river otters (actually a type of weasel)
“romping and diving and wagging their whiskers” will purportedly bring in an additional 184,000 visitors to the ABQ Biopark ( zoo+aquarium + botanical gardens). Post a few huge signs warning, “Urine big trouble if you pee-pee in the otter pool!” and this attraction could make ABQ as proud as a Ewing with a gusher in the garden. Best of all the otters were described as  “sleek, social, playful, and CHARISMATIC” ( though if cuddled, they’d be apt to “bite your face off” – sort of like  JR’s kinfolk!)
Which all goes to show that even without oil, orgies, and opulence, ABQ has found an otter way to conjure up charisma!