The Indian media lately has been positively buzzing with stories of Hercule, the crime solving parrot, I guess because cricket season hasn’t started yet and Indians are all kind of Ukraine-Shmukraine – whatevs.  I hate the fact, BTW, that the correct way to refer to it is not “the Ukraine” but just “Ukraine.” It just makes me sound like I can’t speak English when I say it.  I mean, how am I supposed to say “I go to Ukraine” and not sound like Yakov Smirnov or a cat-stroking James Bond villain. Or…Yakov Smirnoff AS A CAT STROKING JAMES BOND VILLAIN. IT’S BRILLIANT! Get me my Petition hat, Mama- and warm up the Change.org- THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.

Anyhow, as the crime fighting parrot story goes, Neelam Sharma and her pet dog were murdered in Agra as Hercule looked on silently. While Agra PD were interviewing suspects in the presence of Hercule (in India you have the right to remain silent and you may have a parrot present during questioning. If you can’t provide a parrot- one will be provided for you) the police noticed that Hercule would react violently every time Sharma’s nephew Ashutosh’s name was mentioned. Trained as they are to carefully observe the behavior of parrots during questioning, the police decided to call in all the suspects to meet with Hercule. Sure enough, when Ashutosh met with Hercule- Hercule began screeching “He killed! He killed!” Confronted with this insurmountable evidence, Ashutosh naturally crumbled and confessed to the murder. Another case solved for Hercule Parrot! And- oh yes. The name is really Hercule Parrot. Evidently Jessica Feather was taken.

Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here and think the Indian police make a habit of consulting with parrots about their cases. Why, the crusty, hard-headed Homicide Lieutenant in Agra didn’t even want Hercule’s help- he even called Hercule a “meddling old bird”. But Hercule insisted on participating in the investigation- especially once his nephew was falsely accused and arrested for the crime, and the gruff, stubborn Homicide Lieutenant had no choice but to listen to the crime solving bird. Once Hercule figured out who the killer was, he had the tough, set-in-his-ways Homicide Lieutenant call all the suspects together at a dinner party in a traditional English country house, one of many just outside Agra (India’s Yorkshire) so that he could confront all the suspects. One by one, Hercule masterfully ruled them all out- including the most obvious suspect- Sharma’s hot-headed, violent ex-lover Sanjeev MacGuffin and his voluptuous, scheeming, gold digging wife Morgan Fairchild.  Finally, he reached mild mannered Ashutosh. Ashutosh- who never harmed a fly. Ashutosh- the last person anyone would ever suspect. Ashutosh- who bears a striking resemblance to Roddy McDowell.

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: Surely you must be joking.

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: Why that’s absurd. I think your parrot imagination is running away with you.

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: Interesting theory. Too bad you can’t prove a word of it.

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: Alright. Yeah. I killed her. I didn’t mean to. (FLASHBACK ALERT!) I was just breaking into the house to take some of her jewels so I could pay off my gambling debts. She wasn’t supposed to be home for hours. But then she came back unexpectedly and that dog- he wouldn’t stop barking. I tried to reason with her, I pleaded with her, I begged her not to call the police but she just wouldn’t listen to reason. Then I looked down. I saw that I was holding that really sharp, pointy, super-heavy trophy she always kept on her desk for some baffling reason and before I knew what I was doing I was stabbing her with it. Over and over and over again. And once that was done, well I couldn’t take any chances, so I had to shut up that dog, too. The only mistake I made was leaving you alive Hercule- but that’s not a mistake I’m going to make again (pulls out gun)

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh: That’s right I killed! And you’re out of your parrot mind if you think I’m going to jail for it. You think I’m afraid to use this gun? One murder- five murders- what’s the difference? They can only hang me once!! I’ll kill everyone who gets in my way! They’ll never take me alive! I’ll murder each and every one of you!!!

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

Ashutosh realized he’s got nowhere to run to. With tears in his eyes, he surrenders his gun to the ornery, obstinate Homicide Lieutenant.  Hercule looks on with great sadness and shakes his head slowly.

Hercule: Squawk! He killed! He killed!

So there you have it. All the details of the story- just the way it happened. Oh- except Hercule’s real name is Hira. And he didn’t solve the case at all. And everything I said above is a complete lie based on wild exaggerations from the Indian media. Everything. Ashutosh doesn’t look anything like Roddy McDowell. He’s really much more of a Ken Howard type.

Still, regardless of the petty details- the moral of the story remains the same- and that moral is: “leave the dog and kill the parrot.” Oh God, wait, that’s a terrible moral – you shouldn’t kill any of the pets. Or people! Don’t kill people, either. Don’t kill anyone. There. That’s the moral. Don’t kill anyone. Yeah, that’s it.

But you know, sometimes shit happens- I mean, pobody’s nerfect and all that- so if you do just HAPPEN to kill someone, then you’d better hope the cops don’t have the parrot in the room when they’re questioning suspects. Cause no matter how careful you think you’ve been, take it from Ashutosh, there’s no escaping the clutches of Hercule Parrot or Jessica Feather. Or even plain old Hira. Cause, when it comes to parrots, there’ s no such thing as a perfect crime.

Also, I hope to God cricket season starts soon because CLEARLY the Indian media has too much time on its hands. Maybe they could help find the Malaysian airliner or something? Hey – you know who that sounds like a job for, don’t you?

Crap I was hoping to find an adorable picture of a parrot in a Sherlock Holmes hat here, but I couldn’t so you’ll just have to imagine it and my Photoshop skills are too shitty to make one. So here’s a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch’s butt instead. Enjoy!

Oh yeah- and here’s my post about Murder, She Wrote which I mostly ripped off here.

Written by: Eric Sims on March 17, 2014.