As a finalist in Tesla’s $5 billion battery factory competition, NM is anxiously adjusting her implants, curling her extensions, and stretching her swimsuit just so. “Does this Mesa make my butte look big?” We want that factory soooooo badly (even though NM law prohibits Tesla Motors from selling its cars directly to consumers. Oops!)

Don’t you mind that legal lingo,though, Tesla. A few bucks to the right folks and that law will evaporate quicker than a summer shower on a rocky xeriscaped yard. Just look up there – immense blue sky, lavender mountain sunset, tantalizing whiff of roasting chile. You want it, Tesla. You know you do.

But, so far, no word from Mr. Musk…sigh.

Hey, ABQ and NM, always look on the bright side. We do have a state winner  straight out of Monty Python. An ABQ fourth grader is the 2014 national grand prize  Spam recipe winner in the kid’s division. Her dish, a breakfast concoction called “Nutty Spam Surprise,” combines Spam Classic, eggs, cream,peanut butter, white sandwich bread, and apples for a heart-stopping way to start the day. According to an ABQ Journal “UpFront” article by columnist Leslie Linthicum, this junior chef comes from a whole Spamily. Her kinfolk have garnered “19 Spam contest ribbons” in the past 9 years!  “Nutty Spam Surprise” was inspired by the winner’s grandmother’s
“grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. ”

OK- Time out for transparency! I have never purchased a can of Spam. I have no idea what Spam looks like or how it tastes. As DD fans know, my family reveled in chopped liver, chicken fat, and pickled tongue. Pork products like Spam were not on my grandmother’s menu.

So, in the spirit of online journalistic accuracy, (weird concept, I know) I am now about to open a 12oz. can of Spam Classic.    Ooooooh! It’s as pink as a piggy’s bottom! The slightly gelatinous block can be easily sliced, cubed, or julienned. The better to mix with mac and cheese as the can suggests, or fried with onions, potatoes, and chile as the young winner’s family does.

Will I fry, bake, or microwave my Spam…or perhaps, toss some cold, bubblegum-hued cubes into a salad?  Sorry, but no. I still don’t eat Spam’s main ingredients, “pork with ham.”
What’s that about anyway, Hormel? I thought ham was a form of pork. It’s like saying,”pasta with Spaghetti-Os,”or  “fish with canned tuna,” or, SEGUE ALERT “rats with gelatin and grape jelly!”

With its 16g of fat, 790 mg of sodium, and 180 calories in a  2oz serving, not to mention its 2year  4 month nitrite-fueled shelf life, Spam is the ideal food to keep on hand for the Zombie Apocalypse. And that  brings us to the “rats” featured in this post’s title.
Apparently, live rats make good Zombie snacks – sort of like rodent flavored Beggin’ Strips. Dangle a plump rat by the tail to be slurped up by a voracious Zombie, and you’ve made a rotten friend for life …or un-life….or something.

To avoid revealing this week’s intense episode of The Walking Dead, I’ll say no more.  Except- in the behind the scenes section of The Talking Dead,  we learned that the “rat” was really an “edible prop” made of gelatin and filled with grape jelly. What?!  They’re not real Zom…they’re actors! You knew that, right? Sorry!  Yes, yes, they’re real- every bit as real as …ABQ pastrami.

In the years before I could tell a jalapeño from a habanero, there was pastrami – rich, red, fatty slabs stacked sky high on robust rye slices with sauerkraut- a staple of the Carnegie Deli; sold by the deliciously greasy pound at Zabar’s. Pastrami!
ABQ has no true delis, but when I saw pastrami sandwiches for sale at a local synagogue fundraiser, I brought one home. Between two slices of soft, pre-packaged, straight from the supermarket rye bread, was a clump of cooked meat bits in a dark BBQ sauce. Tasty in a tangy southwestern, meat-bit sandwich kind of way, but one more reminder that ABQ is a long way from Zabar’s…sigh.

Mr. Musk, I hope you like our green chile chicken stew.

Written by: Ronni Sims on March 19, 2014.