Loading...Boom! Blast! Smash! Slaughter! Tape!
With hot spots flaring up around the globe and nerve-wracking scenes unfolding non-stop on the 24/7 news media, the ABQ Journal seems like an odd oasis of journalistic calm. It serves up a predictable mix of small-scale urban mayhem,political hanky- panty, and over- zealous policing with a smattering of tales of people and pets deserving of hugs, homes, hero awards, or jail time.
It’s clear that by the time the daily ABQ Journal lands on an ant hill in my front yard at 6 am, CNN et al have already publicized, analyzed, scrutinized, banalized, and pulverized every scrap of up- to- the- nanosecond national and international news.
While the New York Times sends correspondents to the Middle East, the ABQ Journal is lucky to have someone in the middle of Central Avenue to report on rain drenched cars floating by in the summer monsoon.
In an effort to maintain readership of its increasingly anachronistic print offering, the ABQ Journal has resorted to a story strategy for which I’ve coined the technical term, ” NOT Alotta news. NOT Alotta news stories energetically detail events NOT happening or actions NOT to emulate- stories like these:
“Breaking Bad,” ABQ’s favorite foray into TV land won 6 Emmys. Yippee! We’re…NOT famous. You see, despite its Emmy 
accolades, BB ended its run over a year ago. The award wining actors have moved on to other projects leaving ABQ with star-struck memories and a shelf of miscellaneous BB memorabilia in the Candy Lady’s shop. BB is NOT here anymore.
Adios amigos! Come back real quick. (“Real quick” is ABQ speak for an annoyingly indeterminate length of time as in, “Ma’am, I could get your dishwasher fixed real quick if I had a #4 left – centered anterior valve release siphon. I’ll just run on over to the shop to see where one is at and I’ll be back real quick.” Uh huh. That was 10 days ago. “Real quick” is NOT!)
Moving from showbiz to schoolhouse, the ABQ Superintendent of Schools, Winston Brooks, resigned after 6 years in that position. Was it because of the low math scores, the high drop- out rate? Was it because Brooks tweeted “Moo moo- oink, oink” when 
referring to the female State Education Secretary? Was it because he was accused of “sex related bullying?”
Nyah! Nyah! NOT gonna tell! We (the ABQ Public School Board) know a secret and you (the taxpayer) don’t!
While Brooks receives a $350,000 buyout of his contract, information surrounding his resignation is going into a private, secret file no doubt to be buried under tons of concrete like Jimmy Hoffa. Brooks , Brook’s wife, and the ABQ Public School Board are all going to live happily ever after and we’re NOT even gonna know why!
Some NOT Alotta news seems to be written by Mr. Obvious- like this front page article headlined, “Drinking Puts Pedestrians In 
Peril.” Great Caesar’s Ghost! Stop the presses!
Get ready for the utterly jaw- dropping discovery that if you drive drunk or jaywalk while under the influence down ABQ’s main streets, YOU COULD GET KILLED!
That’s as mind boggling as the revelations that lack of rain causes drought, chile peppers make your tongue burn, and gobbling down a bacon cheeseburger with large fries and a slurpy will pump up your BMI. Wow! Consider me boggled!
So people, heed the ABQ Journal. When feeling tipsy, call a taxi. Do NOT walk or drive.
Journal is watching!
And again, in the interest of public safety Mr. Obvious hits the front page with the shocking, sodden saga of two people who were 
nearly washed away in ABQ’s concrete lined flood drainage channels, (arroyos), during a rain storm. Yes, readers, the arroyos are “flood channels” not walkways, shortcuts, or bike paths.
Folks! Do NOT walk in arroyos on those rare occasions when a downpour hits ABQ.
Repeat after me:
The rain, it’s plain
Falls mainly in the drain.
By George, I think they’ve got it!
Since no newspaper is complete without crime scene coverage, the ABQ Journal was right there to chronicle a robbery that did 
NOT happen at a local Dairy Queen. A DQ employee shot the perp dead before he could say, Add a triple cone to that cash.” Way to make ” Employee of the Month” dude! Which raises some real questions about DQ’s employee training.
Trainer: “So that’s how you make a brownie bit Blizzard thick enough not to slop out of the cup when you flip it upside down.
By the way, you’re licensed to kill and the smoothie blender converts to a rocket launcher.
Have a nice day.”
Thank you ABQ Journal for NOT – Alotta news, for a welcome reprieve from the 24 hour news cycle’s beastly barrage of conflict and complication.
Thank you ABQ Journal for your collection of NOT very thought provoking articles and stories about what’s Not happening here.
Calm in an explosive world. It’s NOT a lot to ask.
