Hey, this is easy.  My post is due on 12/24, so of course I’ll write about…let’s  see… candy canes, uncontrollable consumption,caring and sharing…C…nah…COUGARS- That’s it!

Eagerly anticipating botoxed, buxom belles groping the pool boy under the mistletoe, are you?
Someone’s on the naughty list!  I’m talking wildlife, claws, stalking unsuspecting prey.  No, not Hapless Housewives of Hoboken.  This is a family friendly blog here.  Your family does what?…uh huh….could be fun…maybe next post.

So about cougars- I celebrated my winter Holiday back around Thanksgiving, which leaves  me free from jolly, jingly, egg-nogged revelry. Instead of oohing and aahing over what Santa splurged on, (and hopefully not at Target or, Happy Holidays- you just bought iPads for every village in Nigeria!), I can take a brisk hike on one of ABQ’s mountain trails. Just 5 minutes from my house is a so-called ABQ Open Space, because it’s , well, open and..uh…spacious and no developer has yet bribed the Town Council to re-zone the area for adobe  and glass mini-mansions with “breath-taking mountain backdrops, spectacular city views, and cougars.”
Yes, cougars.
At the entrance to the Open Space Trail, there’s a sign warning hikers about cougars.  It’s an old sign, faded and warped.  Easy to think that the cougars are long gone in search of pristine wilderness untouched by klutzy hikers with their poopy pets, clutched cell phones, and monogrammed L.L.Bean water bottles.  Except- while browsing around a recent ABQ charity event where intensely helpful organizations solicited donations to carry on their good works for man and beast, I was handed a bright orange plastic tag that read “Cougar Smart New Mexico- Keep Kids & Cougars Safe!”  In a city where the cougars are statistically smarter than most of the kids, this was ABQuirky through and through.  So, here I am, alone on a possibly cougar-infested trail, while everyone else is knee deep in tidings of comfort and joy,  with only a tag and an old sign between me and cougars out for a Yuletide feast.
“It is very rare to see a cougar…” the tag coos. “But, here are safety tips to keep in mind in case you ever do see one.”
How many of you kiddies find that reassuring?  I didn’t think so!
Read on- “To help prevent an encounter with a cougar:
Hike in groups.
Make noise every so often.
Carry bear pepper spray.”
HEY GROUP!  I’M UP HERE!  WHAT THE HECK’S A BEAR PEPPER?!”
There’s more – “If you see a cougar:
Stay calm.
Back away slowly, but do not run or scream.”
Right,  got it.
Dee,dee, dee- slowly backing away, not running, calm, slow, CALM SLOW
There’s something rustling in the bushes and it’s not Saint Nick-
Check tag! Check tag!
“If the cougar attacks:
Fight back!”
Really?!
And-” If you encounter a cougar, call Game & Fish Dispatch.”
And what? They’ll come running with an XBox and a trout?!
Aghhhhhhhh walkingslowlybackwardstalkingloudlycalmly!!!

Next Christmas I’ll go a-caroling,and a-wassailing, and a-carrying out Chinese food!

Written by: Ronni Sims on December 24, 2013.