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[Lessons From The TV People] Top Ten 2015 TV Predictions

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While the 2014 Year End lists are trickling away, it’s time to look ahead to what might be on TV in 2015. Please note that these predictions are based on science. Here we go…

1. The Walking Dead – Rick and the gang will once again wander around, kill zombies and continue to ruin the state of Georgia for me.

LFTTVP-2015Gotham2. Gotham – District Attorney Harvey Dent will beg for a nickname because he is sick of there being two Harveys in town. “If one more person thinks I’m that cop, Harvey Bullock, I’ll throw acid on my face!” Really, what kind of fictional city has two people with the same first name?

3. Tiny House Nation / Tiny House Hunters / Tiny House Builders – Ultimate Tiny Crossover! It used to be a phone booth!

4. Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. – There will be approximately 2.3 Marvel Cinematic Universe references per minute of airtime each episode. You know that extra in that one scene? She’s very important to the first film of Phase 5. All will be revealed in the feature film, Marvel Easter Eggs.

5. Game Of Thrones – You know that extra in that one scene? Yeah, he’s the only one left alive.LFTTVP-2015ProjectRunway

6. Project Runway – They will run out of fashion icons and online fashion “celebs” to be in the guest judge chair. They will resort to the woman who greets you at the door at Anthropologie.

7. Downton Abbey – One episode will be a full hour of Maggie Smith as the Dowager Countess rolling her eyes and sighing. It will win multiple Emmys.

8. America’s Next Top Model – Upcoming Ty-Overs (Tyra Banks Make Overs) will try to top last year’s Beard Weave. Looks will include Side Burn Weaves, Eyebrow Weaves, Eyelash Extensions, Extensions Made From Eyelashes, Lion’s Mane, Crew Cut That Is Then Covered With A Rainbow Wig, Cottonball Beard, Literally A Rat Tail, the Moe, the Larry, the Curley and the Shemp.

LFTTVP-2015Bourdain9. Anthony Bourdain will have a new show – Working title: Let Me In. Your Home Is the Last Place I Haven’t Been. I’m Not Leaving Until You Open the Door.

And finally…

10. American Horror Story – the cast will turn to the camera at the end of the last episode and yell, “The Aristocrats!”

Happy New Year!

{Kicking Back with Jersey Joe] Secret New York City Burger Bar

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It’s hidden smack in the middle of an upscale New York City hotel.  Walled off behind red curtains, you would never even know it’s there… except for the occasional celebrity sighting!  The Burger Joint has become one of the Big Apple’s best kept secrets and Jersey Joe had to give it a try!

THE 411

Name: The Burger Joint

What: hidden burger bar / restaurant

Location: Le Parker Meridien Hotel, New York City

Number of Locations: 4 globally

Website: http://www.burgerjointny.com/56thstreet.php

JERSEY JOE RECOMMENDS:

It’s definitely a neat place to visit and it’s cool to be in on a big New York City secret.  I just with that the burger I had ordered would not have been such a soggy mess.  Next time, I’ll go with a single cheeseburger and hold off on the works.

If you’re ever in the city, definitely check it out… just be advised – there’s never enough seats!

[Lessons From The TV People] Farewell My DVR

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For this column, I scour the U-verse in search of television shows and then pass along the random treats to you fine people. But alas, the U-verse has gone temporarily dark. You see, a few days ago my DVR decided it didn’t like what it was playing for me and went insane. And no AT&T LFTTVP-DVRJanesupport lady named Jane who is three months pregnant could help me. (We had time to chit chat while they ran a diagnosis. She now knows that I had a busy week!)  So it is with extreme sadness that I report that not only am I without cable for a few days, I lost it all. Everything that was on my DVR. Every. Thing.

I’m still a little shaken.

As part of my recovery, I would like to take a moment to say a few words about some of the programs that are now in the abyss.

Marvel’s The Avengers – OK. I saw this twice in the theater but when there’s a free EPIX weekend, you’re gonna be tapin’ some shit. Amirite? Sniff. Loki is no longer a click away.

The Hunger Games & Catching Fire – Also from the gift basket of the free weekend. I actually watched these two but hadn’t erased them yet. There are some movies that I’ve seen before that I like to have on hand for when I’m cleaning the house. I also listen to music or podcasts but movies are great to distract you from cleaning. Which I am all about.

This is where I take a moment to address your comments. Yes, I’m sure I can find them online. No, I don’t want you to cry for me. All I need is a sympathetic “Such a shame” or “I understand”.

Three episodes of Garfunkel & Oates – I was a bit behind on this IFC series. Garfunkel & Oates are a great female comedic duo that sing such songs as “Pregnant Women Are Smug” and “This Party Just Took a Turn For the Douche”.  High rec.

LFTTVP-DVRDrunkHistoryOne episode of Drunk History – Luckily I had just done a marathon of about five episodes. This is a Comedy Central series that started as videos on YouTube where a comedian will get drunk and tell a historical story while actors re-enact it. Entertaining and informative. I’m not saying that I probably learned more from Drunk History than AP American History but…

Both parts of Angels In America – This had been on the DVR a long time. I just never had time to sit down and watch them again. Mike Nichols directs the Pulitzer Prize winning Tony Kushner two-part epic starring Meryl Streep, Emma Thompson, Al Pacino, Mary-Louise Parker, Jeffrey Wright, Patrick Wilson and other amazing actors. Damn. I should have watched this again.

The Entire First Season of The Returned – This was a French series that aired on Sundance last LFTTVP-DVRTheReturnedFall. Yeah, “last Fall”. I think I’m definitely losing your sympathy here. I was going to watch it, I swear! Anyway, it’s about some people who return from the dead and how it affects everyone. There’s a show on a network (ABC?) that has a similar premise but this pre-dates it. You can practice understanding French while being creeped out!

The Entire Fourth Season of Game Of Thrones – Watched this but wanted to revisit closer to the airing of Season Five. I know! I know! HBO will air it again around that time and yes, it is on HBO GO. But what if I wanted a quick pick-me-up by watching Joffrey’s and Margaery’s wedding?

Anthony Bourdain’s The Layover: Paris & London – I watched the London one immediately (duh) but still needed to watch Paris. I’ve watch all of Bourdain’s travel shows: the Travel Channel one, the CNN one and the other Travel Channel one, The Layover. I think that was the show I had. I can’t keep track. But it was definitely Paris and London. I highly recommend the interview with Bourdain on the Nerdist podcast. He’s an interesting guy. I can’t wait for his inevitable next series.

LFTTVP-DVREarthquakeEarthquake – I’ve never seen this classic disaster movie. I’ve only experienced the ride at Universal Studios. The ride had a surprising lack of Charlton Heston overacting that the movie had so I thought I would check it out. GUESS NOT.

A few real classic movies like The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie, My Favorite Year, Goodbye, Mr. Chips and Walkabout – It’s at this point where I personally apologize to TCM. I taped these films and wanted to watch them and be a better cinephile but I instead chose to sweep dog hair to Harry Potter And the Order Of the Phoenix.

Whew. I’m feeling a little lighter now. Thank you. In fact, I now don’t have to scroll past The Returned in order to get to already-seen episodes of Doctor Who. I’m free! Until I get my new DVR!

 

[Dessert Droppings] Let the Cowchips Fall Where They May

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Blog laws require me to produce a 2013 retrospective and behold, the ABQ Journal arrived with its 2013 Cowchip Awards. Annual Cowchip Awards are a Journal tradition which highlights sick, twisted, tasteless NM happenings from the past year. So before we anxiously move on to brave the potential  pitfalls and downfalls of 2014, I herein present (with personal commentary) choice chunks from the 2013 Cowchip Awards. From the stomach-churning to the heart-warming, meet a selection of award winners.

Uber foodie, Anthony Bourdain, did a “Parts Unknown” segment on NM and falsely accused a classic Santa Fe restaurant of making its signature Frito pie out of “canned Hormel chili” and a “DayGlo orange cheese-like substance.”
This is the same Anthony Bourdain who can smack his lips over flame-roasted scorpion-on-a-stick in some dank jungle outpost that never heard of hand sanitizer and never once accuse the native street vendors of using canned scorpion.
I actually watched that particular Bourdain episode thinking some of my favorite eateries would be featured. I was feeling all flattered that NM cuisine was about to be showcased on national TV. But, no. Bourdain ignored the owl-shaped Owl Cafe’s legendary chili cheese burger; never went near the luscious pies and cakes at The Flying Star; and turned his gourmet gullet away from the green chili chicken stew at The Range.  Instead, a substantial part of the show was devoted to Bourdain squatting in a remote patch of desert, fawning over a group of cowpoke wannabes  who were  preparing a pot of lumpy buffalo goulash over a campfire.  A campfire! NM is withering in the throes of a multi-year drought!  What shmuck would build a campfire amidst the instantly flammable desert shrubs and grasses?
Bottom of the food chain to  you, Anthony Bourdain!

Another winning event:
A public meeting to discuss the mind-numbing topic of ABQ traffic roundabouts turned all pissy and patriotic, when an audience member shouted down the use of the “unAmerican” word “queue” to describe traffic flow.  To reach the meeting, our irate defender of the mother tongue, despiser of a “foreign” word with fewer q’s and u’s than ABQ, had to drive down Lagrima De Oro Road, over Paseo Del Norte Blvd, and west on Avenida Caesar Chavez.

A number of Cowchip Awards went to animals for their loco escapades:
I’ll skip the part about the cow that cut short a bus trip for the Gallup High School track team and get right to the eagle. The noble Dessert Droppings- 010714-eaglebird, lovingly rescued and rehabbed by an ABQ nature center, headed swiftly for the Mexican border on being released, without so much as a “Gracias!” Sure!  Exploit our welfare system and run, will you!  You birds are all the same!

And finally, a Cowchip Award for this hare-raising tale:
An award-winning rabbit was kidnapped from the Southern NM State Fair.  The blue ribbon bunny was found stuffed in a pillowcase on the NM State University campus and returned to his grateful 8- year old owner.
Prints and DNA on the pillowcase led to the arrest of the wascally wabbit-snatcher.  Ha! Ha! JK!  Ever hear of CSI New Mexico?  Neither did I!

Farewell 2013!  Don’t step in the cowchips on your way out!