Spoiler Warning: GRAINS ARE THE DEVIL.

Over Thanksgiving, PBS showed some new Pledge Specials and they’ve been rerun this weekend. There were a few financial ones like Retire Rich or something like that plus a new one by Suze Orman. It may not have been new actually because I can’t tell the difference between her shows. Whereas Wayne Dyer gradually loses his hair throughout the years, Suze’s style doesn’t change one iota. Same haircut, same shoulder pads. But I don’t have to watch it to know that Suze wants me to invest, pay off debt and have eight months of an emergency fund. Although considering the trend with the nutrition-based Pledge Specials, I wouldn’t put it past Suze to include Stop Eating Wheat in her money advice.
Yep, I watched three food-based Specials and they all dissed wheat. Wheat Belly Total Health also threw shade on rye, barley and corn, too. Two of the Specials even bad-mouthed Gluten-free products: “the gluten is replaced with sugar!” “It’s not just gluten that’s bad in grains!” “Wheat is replaced with junk carbs like tapioca flour and rice flour.” To which I said, “Damn, Gluten-Free Movement, your fifteen minutes of fame are over.”
Yes, there was a show called Wheat Belly Total Health with Dr. William Davis. He’s a cardiologist who started talking about his prescription that didn’t require a co-pay. If you haven’t guessed yet that “prescription” is “Eliminate Wheat”.
According to Davis there are 3 Grain Myths:
1. Grains Have Always Been Apart Of Our Diet. (Not true. Only the last 10,000 years and it was out of desperation when they didn’t have enough meat and wild mushrooms. Davis then goes into a whole thing about how we are not cows and can’t digest grasses because we don’t have:

•             Continuously growing teeth (Egads)
•             Lots of saliva (Except when I have  sour gummy worms.)
•             A four compartment stomach where one has a “grinding substance” and that whole nasty chewing cud thing
•             Spiral colon
•             And lots of appropriate micro-organisms
• I want to briefly return to “Spiral colon”. I’m kind of jealous. Ours are so haphazard. “Just stuff them in there!”

2. Grains Are Essential To Our Health
Nope!
3. We Have Full Control Over Our Impulses And Appetites
Ha ha, he says.

Davis goes on to talk about how there’s something in wheat called gliadin that acts like an opiate and how when we quit wheat, 40% of us will have withdrawal symptoms.

So next time you say, “I’m jonsesin’ for a sandwich”, you will literally be jonsesin’. Then you will see a dead baby crawling across your ceiling like in Trainspotting. I assume.

Earlier in the week, I watched JJ Virgin’s Sugar Impact Secret, which I wrote about in more detail at my site. But to give you a quick idea of what she is all about then I give you this: Sugar is the #1 thing that is taking down your health. Aha! you say. This conflicts with Davis and his Wheat Demon! Well, not really. Because Virgin says that one of the biggest sugar impacts is the hidden sugar in products as well as the carbs that turn into sugar…like grains.

GGGRRRRAAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSSSSS!

(Side note: I made fun of JJ’s name when I wrote about her first special. That post was also the one with the most comments on it ever. Most people commenting were distraught and wanted to know what to do to lose weight. I had to politely say, “Um, I’m not her. Maybe you should read her book?” So this is where I say I’m not a nutritionist or doctor so take what I write here with a grain of salt. Which we can all agree upon is the only grain that you are now allowed.)

The third Special was Skinny Gut, Vibrant You With Brenda Watson. Watson has also had a few Specials under her belt or should I say, “Gut!” Haaaahaaaa! If you had seen all her shows like I have then you would be laughing at that, I’m sure. For those of you not in the know, Watson is obsessed with gut bacteria. (I truly wish I could phonetically spell out how she says “gut”. She’s got a bit of a Southern accent if that gives you any idea. Just remember she says it a lot.)

Watson spends most of the special talking about good and bad gut bacteria. (We are 90% bacteria apparently. That’s creepy, right?) It’s important, she says, to get more of the good than the bad. The Good Bac thrives on Fiber. The Bad Bac produce waste and toxins that trigger inflammation and stores fat. She calls the Bad Bac by-product “the poop of bacteria”. She really does.

Where do grains come into all of this? Well, “grains can upset gut balance and cause health problems” like inflammation and high blood sugar.

In short: grains make your Bad Bacteria poo.

I hate you, Grains. I hate you so much.

You can see these specials in full on your local PBS station. Now, PUT DOWN THAT PASTA.