Hey- how about that election on Tuesday? Yeah…that was….uhm…..yeah….so….hey- how about we just focus on football? That’s the American way! I bet more than 38% of registered voters set their fantasy line-ups this week. And, seriously millennials- only 13% of the vote??? You do know that sharing Facebook memes doesn’t count, right, and that you’ve got to go out there and fucking vote??? Hell, I would think you’d love voting- you get to foist your uninformed opinion on the world and whether your team wins or loses you still get a little participation sticker. It’s like your whole entitled skateboard helmet wearing orange slice at halftime eating childhood all rolled up in a little booth. Not that it matters too much if you vote in California.  We just cast our vote for Foregone Conclusion and then go home to see which group of backwoods yokels ruined America this time (seriously, Iowa- the hog castrating lady??  I know it’s hard to accept cause the President’s black- but you do know the country’s doing pretty fucking well, right???) And speaking of backwoods yokels- this week’s Thur night game was a battle for bragging rights in Ohio between Cincinnati and Cleveland (Segue- Boom!) Now I know usually we only care about Ohio during presidential elections, but what happened in Ohio last night was actually significant and meaningful (Just talking football, here. It’s still a horrible, pointless place to live. Especially since LeBron actually left his talents in South Beach.)

So what’s up with the rest of this week’s games? Well, here are my picks. Feel free to use them for gambling and entertainment purposes, just know that these are based on almost no research at all and that I’m wrong a lot of the time. The way this’ll work is that I’ll put a little (w) by the team that’s gonna win each game.

Thur Night Game:

Cincinnati (w) vs Cleveland – Wow- I was totally wrong about this one. I guess the Browns decided Cleveland needed a pick me up after watching the Cavs for three games.

Sunday Games:

Kansas City (w) vs Buffalo
Detroit (w) vs Miami – I’m most likely wrong about this. I never pick Detroit correctly. But I heard that Megatron was coming back and that’s gotta mean something cause he wouldn’t have an awesome nickname like Megatron if he wasn’t good at stuff. His nickname would be more like “Todd” or “Stubby” – something way less terrifying.
New Orleans (w) vs San Francisco
Pittsburgh (w) vs New York Jets- Yup. It’s true. The butt fumble is officially the “good old days”.
Atlanta vs Tampa Bay (w)– But seriously who cares?
Jacksonville vs Dallas (w)– This game is actually taking place in London. It’s part of Goodell’s strategy to squash British interest in American football by subjecting them to Dallas and Jacksonville. That’s some Clockwork Orange shit. Vidi well my droogies! That’s lovely lovely Tony Romo.
Baltimore (w) vs Tennessee
Denver (w) vs Oakland- Just how good is Peyton Manning? Weed is legal in Colorado he’s selling a Frito-pizza- dude is always thinking two steps ahead! (Has anyone actually tried that? Cause I’m ashamed of how much I want to. It’s like the Doritos Locos Tacos debacle all over again.)
Arizona (w) vs St. Louis- Older fans will remember that the Arizona Cardinals actually used to be the St. Louis Cardinals. Younger fans won’t give a crap.
Seattle (w) vs New York Giants
Green Bay (w) vs Chicago- A fascinating match up between spokesman for State Farm and the face of Douchebaggery. While they don’t agree on much, I think Packer fans and Bears fans would both agree that this is a classic historic rivalry best watched from Los Angeles. Brrr I hear it might be 60 this weekend. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. I’m so thirsty…

Monday Night Game:

Philadelphia (w) vs Carolina- Man, it’s great to see Sanchez wearing green and playing again. If only Philly were in the AFC East, he might actually complete a pass to the Jets.

Alright- that’s all I’ve got. Good luck out there.