So, there I was, scrolling through my Parrot Google News update past all the Jimmy Buffet fan articles and articles about snowboarder Max Parrot (actually pronounced “Perro” and should rhyme with “French Canadian asshole”), and I come across this article from Fox News about Pope Awesomesauce the First blessing a parrot. So I click on it, and most of the article is about the animal rights activists that are protesting the release of doves from the Vatican window as a symbol of peace. Evidently, the doves are domesticated and can’t survive in the wild and so two doves were killed by a crow and a seagull as soon as they were released. And I guess they’re all bent out of shape cause in one gory moment, an innocent symbol of peace and goodwill turned into a complicated lesson about martyrdom and a grim allegorical warning for aspiring peacemakers about the grisly death they will most certainly face- but hey- martyrdom- there’s nothing more Catholic than martyrdom! Who doesn’t love being a martyr? Apparently, not the doves. And, let’s be clear, it’s NOT FUNNY AT ALL. NOT ONE BIT.  “Fly, innocent dove of peace, fly free and spread your message of OH MY GOD NO!!!!” SHREEK SHREEK SHREEK. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. BURP. Sorry about that. NOT FUNNY AT ALL.

Roger Ailes, meanwhile, was so moved by the story of the crow killing the dove that he’s considering making it the new logo for Fox News. Can you blame him? What other image more perfectly epitomizes Fox News’ core values of “Fuck peace” and “The black man is coming for our women”?

Anyhow, I’m reading this article, and I get to the bottom and see that the Pope blessed a parrot named Amore owned by a fellow named Francesco Lombardi. OK, great, hippie-dippie pope blesses parrot. Cute. Maybe some lame St. Frances joke and that’s about it. As I was reading more about the incident, though it became clear that Mr. Lombardi is a porn star and self proclaimed “world champion stripper” (he’s actually ranked 12th). Seriously, Fox News??? How did you leave that out?? It’s one thing to bury the lead- but you’re putting cement on its feet and throwing it into the East River. You’re chopping it up into pieces and stashing it in separate dumpsters all around town and I’m not just using these analogies because this story is in Italy and I’m trying to make some cheap Italian-mafia joke, but, hey, if the spicey meat-a-ball fits… Listen, Fox News, You want to report on the Pope kissing a Porn Star’s Parrot- you don’t lead with some bullshit wussy headline like “Animal rights activists ask Pope Francis to stop releasing doves” – you’ve got to do it like this or like this or like this or like this or like this. I mean, come on, Fox News- get your shit together. I know the Obama years have been rough on you, but I don’t know that I’m ready to live in a world where the Huffington Post has to teach Fox News how to be sleazy. It’s like Hilary Clinton teaching Karl Rove about racist smear campaigns.

Alright, so it turns out that after the Pope’s dove release scandal (Dovegate? Doveghazi? Hey- Fox News- a little help here) he saw the parrot in the crowd while he was cruising around St. Peter’s Square in the Popemobile looking for something to kiss, so he decided to bless the parrot. You know, so he doesn’t seem like such a heartless bird killer. He didn’t know that the parrot, named Amore, was owned by Lombardi, who’s stripper name is Ghyblj. Seriously, dude? You name your parrot “Amore” but you call yourself “Ghyblj”??? And you call yourself a “world champion.” Have you never heard of the “first pet – first street” porn star name game? You could be Sparky Maplewood or Rusty Sepulveda or Rodolfo Via Veneto I guess since you’re Italian, whatever, – anything would be better than Ghyblj. How is the DJ at the club supposed to even say that? “And coming to the stage next we have…uhm…Geeh…Gibil….wait I got it….Dickface. Give it up for Dickface.”

So, right, anyhow- Ghyblj or Lombardo or whatever the hell his name is was deeply moved by the fact that the Pope blessed Amore because evidently he’s “in love” with the Pope. And, Pope Francis (who insists they are just friends) was able to put his bird killing scandal (Monica Doveinski? Come on, Fox News I’M GETTING NOTHING, HERE) behind him because if there’s one thing the Italians love more than birds, it’s porn stars (Prime Minister Ghyblj? You’d better believe it). And what could be a better symbol of peace and tolerance than a Pope, a porn star and a parrot named “Love”. Now THAT’S Amore.