“Go ahead.”

“Well…there must have been some…magic…”

“Magic?”

“In that old silk hat we found…for…”

“Take your time.”

“…when we placed it on his head…<sniff>…he began to dance around…<sobs uncontrollably>”

Because really? Wouldn’t you be a bit terrified of a suddenly sentient snowman? Sure, the button nose is cute and disarming but take a look at the eyes. The soulless, coal black eyes.

And the haunting “Happy Birthday!”

Tonight is the annual airing of Frosty the Snowman and the annual crawling of my skin. The cartoon is based on a song of the same name where the titular character ominously says, “I’ll be back again someday.” He’s a walking, talking snowman who threatens to return. Doesn’t that bother anyone? Plus he’s untrustworthy: he comes to life with full knowledge of the word “thermometer” and that he can melt but he doesn’t know what a traffic light is?  What game are you playing, snowman?

All of this doesn’t faze the children at all. In fact, they clasp hands and dance in a brainwashed circle around him. They don’t run screaming through the snow, thinking that with every step the hungry ice could devour them. Instead, they fall in line behind him in militaristic fashion as he parades them through town much to the citizens’ horror. The cop even yells, “Stop!”  But how can one stop a being with ice in their blood…and brain and heart? Not that you would only be taking on Frosty. The children and woodland creatures all do his bidding. Like how the kids obediently smuggle him out of town on a refrigerated train and wave their free will away. But what do you expect in a town full of children that all look alike? When Frosty kidnaps Karen to the North Pole, I bet no one even noticed.

Here’s what else gnaws at me: we are led to believe that the magician whose hat “made” Frosty is the villain because he wants the hat back. People, he wants to undo the evil! He should be applauded for locking the frozen beast in the greenhouse. Frosty melted! The terror should have been over. Thanks, Santa Claus. Yep. Damned if Santa isn’t under the corncob-pipe spell, too. He reanimates Frosty and takes him to live at the North Pole.

Which means Frosty is still out there. And he’ll back again someday.

Thumpetty. Thump.  Thump.

He’s right behind you.