My new pastime is diving into the U-verse and finding random shows to watch. Like one day last week when I found ESPN Classic showing old Battle Of the Network Stars. Don’t know BOTNS? It was a special where teams of actors from the big three networks competed in sporting events like three-on-three football, swimming relays, etc. Did you catch that I said “big three”? Yeah, that’s how long ago these shows aired: it was before FOX was a network. Just think, there are people who can legally drink alcohol who were not alive when FOX wasn’t a broadcast network. Sad for them because Battle Of the Network Stars was awesome. I believe I saw it listed, said, “Oh shit! Battle Of the Network Stars!” and turned the channel then proceeded to describe to my mother on the phone that Barbara Mandrell just passed the baton to Randi Oakes during the relay race.

So you guys thought that star competition shows were a recent thing? Oh no, my children. Instead of competing in the foxtrot and samba for a trophy, Battle Of the Network Stars was a competition for points that lead to cash and bragging rights. And they got into it, too. Someone like Erin Gray from Buck Rogers would interview them about their strategies and they would tell her! Scott Baio would explain why he started his kayak relay with Charlene Tilton and not be sarcastic. Yes, each network team had a captain. For instance, one of the episodes I saw had Gabe Kaplan heading up NBC, Scott Baio leading ABC and Pernell Roberts captaining CBS. Pernell Roberts? Yeah, of Trapper John, MD, the drama spin-off of MASH. I didn’t have to look that up either. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the stuff that lives in my head.

Side note about Pernell Roberts: when I was a little, little kid, I made up a new Peanuts character named Pernell Roberts. She was a girl. I had no idea that there was an actor with that name. I must have heard it on tv and subconsciously stored it away. For the record, Pernell was going to be Charlie Brown’s girlfriend.

That’s one of the joys of seeing Battle Of the Network Stars again: it’s an endless parade of “Oh yeah! That person!” And a sprinkling of people that I don’t have any recollection of who they are. Sorry guy from Flamingo Road!

But I haven’t told you the truly amazing part of BOTNS yet. My friends, Howard Cosell hosted it! He also took it seriously. With all his gravitas, he would do play-by-plays of each event. “And it’s Ann Jillian up next for N.  B.  C. Ann has selected James B. Sikking to be the dunkee in the Base. Ball. Dunk. Oh! And it’s a dunk! James. B. Sikking. Is in the water. Ann Jillian is one. For. One.” So, so wonderful.

A little history about BOTNS: it ran from regularly from 1976 to 1985 (there apparently was one in 1988 as well), resulting in 19 two-hour(!) episodes. Each competition culminated in a Tug-o-War between the top two teams. Lots of headbands, feathered hair and short shorts ferociously battling for Number One. Can’t get any better than that. I encourage you all to check out the Wikipedia page about it. It lists ALL of the teams and captains for each episode. It will get you reacquainted with people like Danielle Brisbois.

But be aware that it may lead you down the dark path of looking up Circus Of the Stars.