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[California Seething] FIFA is Terrible And So Is Everything Else

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Posted by :Eric Sims On : June 15, 2015
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Category: California Seething

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Ahhh, the Swiss. Early in the morning of Wed, May 27, Swiss police descended very politely upon the 171 year old Baur du Lac hotel in pristine downtown Zurich to arrest a number of high ranking FIFA executives on corruption charges. As bundles of newspapers were dropped on the front steps, and the hotel’s marble floors were being buffed and polished, nattily dressed detectives walked through the hotel’s revolving doors, quietly approached the front desk, presented documents and asked for the room numbers of select guests. A concierge quickly called up to one of the rooms and said: “Sir, I’m just calling to say that we’re going to need you to come to your door and open it for us or we’re going to have to kick it in.” Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me withCal Seething- 060315- ray this shit? In my mind a police raid should be wild, chaotic, dramatic affair- a fantasia of Scorcese cliches, if you will. Fed burst in, guns drawn, doors smashed, barefoot Ray Liotta with shirt half tucked in thrown to the ground by agents in FBI logo windbreakers, a grim faced Leonardo DiCaprio restraining a big haired, coked out, blue eye shadow wearing Lorraine Bracco as she screams and claws the air, Gimme Shelter blaring on the sound track- now that’s a fucking raid! But oh no- not in Switzerland. Nooooo, they don’t want Scorcese directing their raids- they prefer a Wes Anderson approach to mass arrests. You know, police quietly approach perfectly constructed 3’ scale model of the Baur du Lac (only for some reason, this one has a funicular), all of them dressed in suits except Officer In Charge Edward Norton who is wearing a dress Alpine scouting uniform including a small green hat, which seems to remain on his head despite all the laws of physics with a yellow feather protruding at a suitably jaunty angle. He approaches Owen Wilson at the front desk, and shows his papers (a calligraphied scroll with a large gold seal). Owen calmly calls up to F. Murray Abraham’s hotel room and explains the predicament and, a few minutes later, F. Murray Abraham appears in the lobby, resplendent in tight black turtleneck, immaculately tailored, but slightly worn, muted plaid jacket, herringbone grey slacks and bright white loafers with a small gold tassle. He is surrounded by agents and led out the door by Edward Norton in slow motion,accompanied by an obscure Kinks song performed in Portuguese (natch!), as Mysterious Hotel Guest Bill Murray, wearing a rumpled grey suit and trench coat looks on intently, a single tear running down his cheek for reasons that will never be explained. And they leave the hotel with such great discretion that not even the orphan girl deliveringCal Seething- 060315- mendls pastries from Mendl’s is aware that something is out of sorts. Oh, you Swiss. Well, what can you expect from a country who’s most sophisticated weapons system has a removable toothpick.

And, of course, we, as Americans get to read about these doofy Swiss and their wacky distaste for police brutality, as well as the staggering level of corruption at FIFA and snicker with detached amusement. Hell, that’s the whole point of world news- to make us feel better about being Americans by making the rest of the world look worse (which is also how the Swiss feel when they read about Baltimore, Rick Perry and the Kardashians. Congrats BTW to Caitlin Jenner on her fabulous Vanity Fair cover. Not only is she the hottest of all the Kardashian women, she’s also had the least work done. I know a lot of people are having a hard time getting used to this- but, seriously everybody- it’s not that hard. Instead of saying “oh, that Bruce Jenner- he’s such a cheesy, fame-grubbing, reality show whore” you say “oh that Caitlyn Jenner, SHE’S such a cheesy, fame-grubbing, reality show whore” – you see- it’s who you are on the INSIDE that counts.) I mean- sure, the NFL is so absurdly hypocritical that they spent millions on a campaign addressing violence against women the same Cal-Seething--060315--jameiyear they selected a known rapist as the number one pick in the draft, so they’ve had to change the name of the campaign from  “No More” to “Oh, Maybe Just This Once” but they can’t approach the level of corruption of FIFA. Hell, if the NFL were as corrupt as FIFA, they would mysteriously choose Branson to host the next Superbowl over Phoenix and Miami (after Roger Goodell received a series of mysterious enormous bank deposits from a mister “Y. Smirnoff”),  in the dead of winter in the Ozarks in a brand new 250,000 person outdoor stadium built at a cost of 45 billion dollars and 5,000 Guatamalan lives (as an eerie silence descends over the parking lot at Branson’s only Home Depot), which will never be used again – probably a good thing because the bathrooms aren’t hooked up.

So yeah, sure- I’ve been following this story closely- can you blame me? Feeling good about America in comparison to other countries is my FAVORITE, hell that’s the only reason I watch the Olympics, but and lately America’s been making it just SO…FUCKING….HARD. We’ve got anti-vaxxers on Cal Seething- 060315- joshthe left, climate change deniers on the right and the TLC Network like a 24 hour infomercial for the decline of the American empire. Come on, TLC executives, don’t deny it. You’ve just had two of your biggest hits taken off the air cause of child molestation. 19 Kids and Counting and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo- TWO! Most people in your position would be like “huh. This isn’t good. Maybe I should seriously evaluate my programming choices”. But not TLC! You guys are probably thinking “Hello- SPIN OFF!! Josh Duggar and Mama June’s molester ex-boyfriend move to the big city- and they have to share an apartment in the only building that will take two sex offenders. It’s The Odd Couple meets Megan’s Law! We can call it 19 Allegations and Counting– logline: ‘Show me on the doll where TLC touched you’- BRILLIANT!” Alright, maybe they wouldn’t go that far- but they sure as hell didn’t wasteCal Seething- 060315- bates any time finding a shiny new family of fertility obsessed religious fanatics to replace the Duggars just as soon as Joshie’s indiscretions couldn’t be covered up anymore. Seriously what the fuck? The Duggar and Bates families are dangerous religious extremists with a terrifying ideology- and yet, somehow, we’re just supposed to overlook their hate-mongering, misogynist, repressive views because of the cutesy antics of their disturbingly numerous kids???? Only Christians could get away with this. This would never fly if the shows were on Al Jazeera and they were called “Daddy’s Lil Jihad” or “Blowing Up Bates” (firing rockets of love into living room every Thursday at 8). And that’s cause this is America- and we like our extremists the way we like our half-Chinese, half-Hawaiian female lead characters in Cameron Crowe movies: WHITE. Look, I feel a little bad for Emma Stone- she’s a talented actress and seems like a totally lovely person but she really should have known better. This is 2015 people- if you’re a white actor and someone wants to cast you as an Asian character – JUST SAY NO. Seriously, Emma- if you want to be ethnic so damn Cal Seething- 060315- rachelbadly, just work for the NAACP and be done with it. You’ll certainly get lots of media attention! The Rachel Dolezal story is so big that Caitlyn Jenner has changed her name to “Shaniqua”.

Of course, I’m acting like this FIFA thing is just some crazy story about wacky foreigners that has nothing to do with the U.S. of A- but that’s not really true is it? Cause the U.S. is actually responsible for the investigation that busted these crooks- and they’re gonna be extradited back here and tried on American soil. That’s right- we may not host the World Cup- but this is the next best thing. Hell, it’s better, cause this we might actually win! You see, there have been rumors swirling for decades that FIFA officials are corrupt- accepting bribes from countries to host the World Cup, taking kickbacks from sports marketing companies for preferential treatment, misappropriating funds- all that nasty stuff. And most countries have chosen to deal with these allegations by looking FIFA officials straight in the eye and asking them three tough questions:

  1. Hey- are you one of those FIFA officials that take bribes? If so- let’s talk!
  2. Come on, dude, you can tell me, I’m cool. You’re one of those officials that takes bribes right? Right? Right?
  3. Ok ok ok, fine. I get it. You’re NOT one of those officials that take bribes wink wink. So…OK….let’s just say hypothetically I had a gigantic 600-00954719briefcase full of money, right- just hypothetically. And let’s say I left this hypothetical brief case full of money on the table- you know- right here- and then, oh, I don’t know, let’s say I walked out of the room for, oh, let’s say…three and a half minutes while you were still in here. And- you know, when I came back, this hypothetical brief case was just, like, gone. You know, POOF magically disappeared into thin air. So…yeah…my question is…you know, hypothetically, how much money would I have to put in this brief case so that I could HOST THE MOTHERFUCKING NEXT WORLD CUP???? You know- just hypothetically. Wink wink.

But not the U.S.- no siree Bob. In the grand, American Interventionalist, who-asked-you-guys tradition of George Cal Seething - 060315- shatnerBush, James T. Kirk, John Wayne, and George Bush, the U.S. decided to clean up FIFA. Because if there’s one thing we can’t stand in this country it’s INJUSTICE (elsewhere). So we investigated our little brains out until we had enough info to charge in and drag 7 of the top FIFA scumbags out of their comfortable five star Swiss hotel beds and into, slightly less comfortable, five star Swiss jail beds (the Aryan Brotherhood leaves a mint on your pillow. A Junior Mint, which is ironic, cause it’s half black- but I don’t recommend you tell them that.). And, it’s not even like the U.S. had to make up some reason for going in, like, oh let’s say, lying about the fact that these guys had a secret stash of yellowcake Uranium (a Weapon of Mass Deliciousness). No- these FIFA idiots actually conducted their dirty business on U.S. soil- and funneled their money through U.S. banks. Seriously- how stupid do you have to be?? I mean, I know these guys are aware of a little country called… SWITZERLAND- did they not know there are banks there??? What- did they think all the billionaires just come for the cheese and chocolate? Cause they needed to replace the tiny tweezers on their knives???? Maybe a shiny new cukoo clock for their underwater lair so they have a kitschier way to count down the seconds until they launch their Doomsday Device and end the world (appropriately signaled by a hearty “koo-koo!”)???? No- they come for the banks. Because the Swiss still value “Privacy” and “Anonymity” – concepts which in the U.S. take a backseat to “Homeland Security”, “Counter-terrorism” and “Adding bacon to foods that previously did not have bacon incorporated into them, with mixed results”. And, actually- Privacy and Anonymity don’t even get the back seat- they’re shoved in the trunk, bound and gagged, and dragged to a CIA black site in Buttfuckistan and as a result the U.S. Government knows everything these FIFA scumbags were doing here and so do the Chinese.

A word, if I may, about James T. Kirk. How did this guy break the Prime Directive (“No interference with the social  Cal Seething- 060315- kirkdevelopment of the planet. No references to space or the fact that there are other worlds or civilizations”) every single goddman week for three fucking years and never get in trouble for it? Seriously- dude- is it the Prime Directive or the Prime Suggestion?? Other Starfleet officers must have hated that guy- they must have been like: “Oh, sure, I end up on a planet full of freaky ass mountain people wearing fake fur who worship the U.S. Constitution for some baffling reason even though they don’t understand what it means and can’t even pronounce all the words right, and I’ve gotta be all like ‘Cool. OK. E Plemnista. Sure that’s what it says. Whatever you say freaky Mountain Man.’ But not old Jim – he’s all like ‘Oh, you silly little Mountain folk- it’s not E Plemnista it’s WE THE PEOPLE – and this is what the rest of it says, and this is what it means, and this is why every single thing that you hold dear as a civilization is wrong. Cool? Right- gotta go back to space- later gator!’ It’s ridiculous! ‘He’s all like blah blah blah I’m James Kirk I’m gonna undermine the entire basis of your civilization and then drop the communicator and beam away and totally get away with it blah blah blah’ What a dick.”

And yeah- I know I’m talking about a 50 year old TV show- shut the hell up before I start dropping truth bombs on Twilight Zone. Seriously- there’s an alien race from a distant planet that flies all the way across the galaxy Cal Seething- 060315- aliento the planet Earth- to do what now? Turn off the power in a few suburban neighborhoods and watch us turn into assholes??? Is that, like funny to them? I’m seriously asking here- is space really as boring as that? Cause maybe if those dicks spent a little less time developing intergalactic hyper-drive and a little more time developing Netflix they could just binge watch the new season of Orange is the New Black and leave us the FUCK ALONE.

So, sure, we rounded up some of the top crooks at FIFA, but the King Rat himself, FIFA president Sepp (short for “Septic”) Blatter (short for “Bladder”) is still at large. How do we know Sepp is a rat? Well, I could go on and on about his sexism, racism, homophobia, and countless allegations of bribery, corruption, kickbacks, nepotism, abuse of his power, shady electioneering, vindictive behavior and general assholery- but, suffice it to say, that the only Cal Seething- 060315- vladprominent world leader who spoke out on his behalf after the arrests was Vladimir Putin and, by some totally strange and random coincidence, the next World Cup is in….you guessed it- Russia! Which- if I were Sepp, I’d be kind of “thanks, but no thanks” about- cause- let’s face it- even under the best of circumstances, a character reference from Vlad is like a babysitting referral from Josh Duggar- but with the World Cup being in Russia- well, it’s hard not to be just a teensy wit cynical about Vlad’s agenda. Look, Vald- I get it- you paid good money for the World Cup and you want to keep it- but honestly dude, you’re not helping here.

Of course, Vlad may have a point by suggesting that the U.S. was trying to influence the FIFA Presidential Election. Let’s keep it real- it can’t be a coincidence that this scandal broke a few days before the election, and the U.S. was supporting Blatter’s opponent Price Ali of Jordan, who had campaigned long and hard to be the very first ever character from Aladdin to be president of FIFA (“It’s a Whole New World for FIFA with Prince Ali”) . The FIFA election, BTW, is a mysterious process- similar in many ways to the election for Pope. Delegates gather from all over the world in a single location and cast their vote in a series of secret ballots. Then, if Sepp Blatter wins, the world finds out by seeing the U.S.’ chances of ever hosting the World Cup again go up in smoke.

Or….maybe not- cause after winning the election decisively and pledging to clean up FIFA, ole Sepptic Bladder resigned as President…so- hey- maybe he was serious about cleaning up, FIFA after all! And, even though he’s not actually leaving office for a few months he is COMMITTED to WORKING HARD to reform FIFA- and to prove the point- he posted THIS Instagram photo of himself WITH A PEN.

Cal Seething- 060315- sepp

Wow! Look at him go! I know I’m inspired- Here’s me working hard on getting in shape for summer:

Cal Seething- 060315- mepen

And here’s me working hard on finally cleaning out the shed in the backyard

Cal Seething- 060315- mepen

And here’s Punky working hard on not freaking out like a tiny adorable furry idiot every time someone goes by the house on a bike. Or a skateboard. Or a scooter. Or on foot. Or AT ALL. OH MY GOD – WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING??? CHILL THE FUCK OUT! HOW CAN SOMETHING AS ADORABLE AS YOU BE SO TERRIBLE?? Oh don’t look at me like that. You’re so adorable. You’re so cutey-wootey-wootey-wootey. You don’t have to work hard at changing anything at all. Which is good. CAUSE YOU’RE NOT. But here’s what it would look like if you were.

Cal Seething- 060315- punky

So – what does the future hold for FIFA? Who knows? And- more to the point- who cares? The fun part of the story is done- time to move on to the next big thing and forget all about it- we’ve got escaped convicts to worry about! I mean, come on- did Malaysian Air improve its radar guidance systems? Are we in Arab Summer now or is it Arab Fall? Is Ebola still, like, a thing? We don’t know cause we don’t care. Hell, we don’t want news, we want NEWS. If we really heard about what was wrong with the world, we’d never stop crying and stockpiling some canned goods- so BRING ON THE RUNAWAY CONVICTS!

Even ESPN- which covered the entire FIFA Presidential Election live while pumping Bob Ley full of all the black coffee Cal Seething- 060315- bobthey could find to keep him from seeing pink elephants and drunk texting pictures of his balls to his ex wife (“nothing deflated here, you ungrateful whore :) :) :)”) has downgraded the FIFA story to a mere item on the crawl at the bottom of the screen- right between Stanley Cup scores and Tiger Woods’ latest round of futility. It’s been a bit sad, by the way, to watch Tiger Woods struggle so mightily at the game that once came easily to him, but then it’s also kind of inspiring and uplifting to all of us who aren’t all that great at anything and fucking hate people who are. Ha! Fuck him.

Still, for the billions of people around the world that live and die by the beautiful game – I do hope that FIFA can cure it’s nasty case of Seppsis and find a way to move forward without corruption. And for the thousands of World Cup players – I do hope that they move the 2022 World Cup the fuck out of Qatar cause otherwise you’re all gonna die like a bunch of Thai workers. Oh- and – all of you bloated, corrupt fat-cats at the IOC – you’re next bitchez! Sleep with one eye open in your comfy Swiss hotels- cause Edward Norton is, very politely, coming for you.

Cal Seething- 060315- edn2

Right- that’s enough blogging for today- time to get to work!

Cal Seething- 060315- mepen

Special Thanks to Geoff Rice- I stole the idea for the Wes Anderson police raid from him. I know, I know. I’m like the Sepp Blatter of unpaid bloggers.

[California Seething] Confessions of a Clipper Fan- 2015 Choke Edition

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Posted by :Eric Sims On : May 26, 2015
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Category: California Seething

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Here’s the new stuff- added May 25, 2015

It used to be that I could wear a Clipper hat and no one would say anything. Well, to my face anyhow. Behind my back- it was all “Is that guy wearing a Clipper hat???” and “What is he trying to be funny or something???” and Billy Crystal“Wow, Billy Crystal’s really letting himself go.” Then, after carefully assessing the situation, most people would just assume that I was some sort of dimwitted charity case who had gotten the hat for free and didn’t know any better, like a Haitian kid in one of Sean Penn’s refugee camps (Are those my Haitians in there? ARE THOSE MY HAITIANS IN THERE???) with a brand new World Champion Seattle Seahawks t-shirt.

But, then, a few weeks ago, everything changed and suddenly my Clipper hat was a magnet for conversation- and it was great! People would say: “Do you really think we can beat the Spurs?” and I would say “The way Blake is playing- anything is possible.” And then, a week later they would say “Oh my God- did you see Game 7??” and I would say “Holy shit- I can’t believe Chris hit that shot!!! Amazing!!!” And it kept getting better after that. They would say “Dude- we’re seriously killing the Rockets!!!” and I would say “The way we’re playing- we could go all the way!!” and then a week later they would say “Are we gonna close them out tonight?” and I would say “Hell yeah- the Rockets don’t stand a chance!!”

And then, then, then…..well, things took a turn. First it was “Oooh- did you see what happened last night?” and I was all “Yeah- no big deal- we’ll finish them off at home.” And then it was “How did they manage to lose last night??” and I was like “Wait- what? They lost? They were up by 19 when I went to bed??? What the fuck?????” and then, finally it was “Oh my God- did you see Game 7?” and I was like “Oh yeah. We looked like shit. I can’t believe DeAndre blew that dunk. Embarassing.”

And now. Well. Now they don’t say anything anymore. They just give me a sidelong glance of pity, like “can you Cal Seething- 052515- tattoobelieve that guy actually paid MONEY for that hat?” like I’m the grinning putz who actually paid money for a Seattle Seahawks Back to Back Champions tattoo “He must have thought the Clippers had a chance. Ha!” and then they go right back to talking about who the Lakers are gonna take with the #2 pick in the draft.

Well, listen here, smug Laker fan a-holes- first of all- unless the Lakers use the #2 pick to get Doc Brown and a Delorean and go back to 2002, they’re still gonna be a fucking lottery team next week (or Loteria team, as they say during NBA Hispanic Heritage Month) and the Clippers are still gonna be one of the best teams in the grueling Western conference. It’s sort of absurd, BTW, that to get to the Finals in the West teams need to go through the Spurs, the Warriors, the Rockets and the Grizzlies- which is like pushing a peanut with your nose up a mountain made of pepper, and all LeBron needs to do in the East is beat the Chicago This is Some Bull-Shits, the Atlanta Pigeons and the Solomon Schechter Day School All Stars (Celtics) .

Anyhow- just to set the record straight, I’m not some bandwagon jumping Clipper fan. The Clipper bandwagon, BTW,Cal Seething- 052515- dadip is officially the Least Jumped On since the late 90’s campaign to make Da Dip the new Macarena and the Tiny House movement. Speaking of which- I think we can all agree that the people on Tiny House Hunters are absolutely THE most loathsome and repellent of all the House Hunters idiots, since they combine the usual House Hunters overdeveloped sense of entitlement with a noxious level of smug self righteousness- a combination not usually seen outside of a Millennial Lives Matter March (there’s no such thing, of course. It’s never been called into question that millennial lives matter AND THAT’S PART OF THE PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.) So, yeah- in order of doucheyness, it goes: Tiny House Hunters, Island Hunters, House Hunters International (but, like, the ones with the Americans who are looking for a vacation house and seem totally shocked that houses in the Nicaraguan rain forest don’t have open plan kitchens, spa showers and a view of the beach), House Hunters Off the Grid, House Hunters (just, like regular House Hunters), House Hunters International (but, like, the ones with the Europeans who are just super-duper excited to find a fifth floor walk up with such amenities as “bedrooms”, a “shower” and a view of “nothing”), and House Hunters Renovation Cal Seething- 052515- tinyhh(because we get to watch them suffer a little, and that’s always gratifying. Ahhhh the suffering of others. That’s the stuff.)- with honorable mention given to Caribbean Life and Beachside Bargain Hunt cause fuck those people for wanting a cheap house near the beach. Who do they think they are, anyhow?

Usually on Tiny House Hunters, there’s some bug-eyed dad in the throes of a midlife crisis who decided to buy the tiny house only after reluctantly turning down that sweet winter caretaker gig at the hotel in Colorado who is dragging his put-upon squeaky voiced buzzkill of a wife who’s all “blah blah we need indoor plumbing whine whine no composting toilet nag nag nag” and their 47 kids into his Tiny House nightmare. This poor, misguidedCal Seething- 052515- zoo fool watched We Bought a Zoo one time too many on TNT while he was waiting for the Clipper game to start and popping Abilify like Mike and Ike’s and now he’s convinced the tiny house will bring his Minecraft-at-the-dinner-table family together, when really, all he’s doing is providing source material for his daughter’s inevitable one-person show Tiny Fun Home, opening August, 2021 at the Complex, which, of course, will be filled with one person shows since that’s all anyone will be able to produce. Thanks, Equity! Meanwhile, throughout the whole episode, their “Keep it Real-tor” spends the episode rolling her eyes at the couple’s idiocy and seems less concerned about selling these dingleberries a house than trying to convince the viewing public that she isn’t the crazy one by saying stuff like “normally, I would never think of showing a house like this for a family of six- but- hey- this is what they wanted so…..good luck to them”. And invariably at some point in the episode the husband looks around one of the houses and says with dismay “wow- this is really small”….cause…yeah…it is small….it’s tiny…it is, in point of fact a “tiny house”…which, if I’m not mistaken is EXACTLY WHAT YOU IDIOTS Cal Seething- 052515- tarantulaWERE HUNTING FOR. I mean, if the show was called Tarantula Hunters you wouldn’t be all like “Ewww- what are all these fuzzy spidery looking things?” No- you’d be like “Oh hey- look at all these tarantulas. I am happy to see so many tarantulas here because that is EXACTLY THE THING I AM HUNTING FOR.” And THAT’S why Tiny House Hunters is the worst of all House Hunters shows. I rest my case.

Except, wait, that wasn’t the case I was making. CRAP! Worst lawyer ever. The case I was making is that I’m not some bandwagon jumping Clipper fan. Hell, I’ve been going to Clipper games since the Michael Olowokandi days, since they were giving away free tickets with a $25 purchase at Foot Locker, since the best players on the court were the 5th graders playing at half time, since they were the NBA’s equivalent of the Washington Generals and they actually made the Knicks look the Globetotters. That’s right- I chanted MVP for Elton Brand, Cal Seething- 051514- shawncheered when we gave Chris Kaman a big contract, and watched my hopes shatter like Livingston’s leg as he went up for an uncontested layup and came crashing down right along with the Clippers’ season. Oh-what? I’m sorry? Are you confused? Don’t get these references? Have no idea what I’m talking about? THAT’S RIGHT- BITCHEZ!!! Because you’re not a real Clipper fan and I am? And is that something to be proud of? OF COURSE IT’S NOT- why would it be? They were a fucking embarrassment. But because of some….totally cryptic reason, I’m proud of it anyhow. I can’t explain it.

And also- just to be clear- yes, yes, yes, I do, in fact own a Tiny House BUT I DIDN’T DO IT BECAUSE IT WAS FASHIONABLE. I did it because we wanted to buy a house on the west side of Los Angeles and the types of houses available to us were limited to “tiny” or “van” – and, clearly, we weren’t about to try and live in a van – not with the parking in our neighborhood. Though I am excited for an all new season of Van Hunters (“she wants a 1970’s Cal Seething- 052515- vanairbrush design of a coyote howling at the moon and he’s looking for a classic dirty white kidnapper van”).

So- right- like I was saying- I’ve been a Clipper fan for a while- and, as proof, I offer you the post below, written in the depths of last year’s Donald Sterling mishigos. And, if you still don’t believe me you can read this post from the old Fierce & Nerdy days in which I pay tribute to the two cities that co-exist in Los Angeles- the ritzy-glitzy Lakerwood- epicenter of rhinestone jeans, selfie sticks and cornball California cliches and, the hard-working apartment villages of Clipper City- where dusty jacaranda blooms mingle with Carl’s Jr. cups on the sidewalks, every dented beige Toyota Corolla on the street has a hood streaked with pigeon shit and the guy selling corn on the cob out of a shopping cart causes a sensation that sends all the chihuahuas on the block into an absolute yapping frenzy. That’s the Los Angeles where I live- where my tiny van is proud to park- Clipper flags, pigeon shit and all.

And here’s the old stuff- from May 10, 2014

One of the hoariest clichés of male/female relationships is that women are attracted to men that are bad for them and that they just want “nice guys” to be friends. Now, I don’t know if this is true- though, I have to say there were so many girls in High School that just wanted “to be friends” that my first stand-up name as a teenager was “Platonic Man” – “sort of like Superman but Lois Cal Seething-050514-platonicmanLane just wanted to chat.” Wow. I just realized that if that joke were a person, it would be in grad school by now. Huh. Excuse me for one second (midlife crisis related crying jag) OK- I’m back!! Want to see my Corvette? Ha! Kidding, of course- no way I’ll ever be successful enough to buy a Corvette. Huh. Excuse me for one second (midlife crisis oh my god I’m a failure what have I done with my life midlife crisis related crying jag.) OK- I’m back!! Got Testosterone in my armpits and Just For Men in my hair and I’m ready to rock!! Ha! Kidding, of course. I don’t have nearly enough hair to be worth coloring. Huh. Excuse me for second (male pattern baldness oh my god I’m a failure what have I done with my life midlife crisis related crying jag).

Anyhow- like I said- I don’t know if this “Good Girls love Bad Boys” thing has much truth to it. Probably not- it’s just one of those remnants of the patriarchy something something something white male privilege something something bad (who’s got two thumbs and just read a scathingCal Seething-050514-nick critique of rape culture on Jezebel- THIS GUY!) but if it is, I can certainly relate because I’m a Good Fan who loves Bad Teams. I’m Molly Ringwald giving a diamond earring to the Knicks to piss off my parents. I’m Mallory Keaton waiting for the Jets take me away on their motorcycle to a 7-9 season. I’m Kelly Taylor in a torrid Beverly Hills romance with the team owner who wanted Paula Deen to cater his NAACP Awards Banquet. I’m Mindy Kaling who…uhm…has that guy she likes….you know….that guy….who’s kind of a…. jerk….you know…uhm….Excuse me for a second (totally out of touch with pop-culture male pattern baldness oh my god I’m a failure what have I done with my life midlife crisis related crying jag crying jag.)

And speaking of Sterling- I know V. Stiviano insists he’s not really a racist- but just look at what he makes her wear to bed:

Cal Seething-050514-mask

 

Come on. If you can’t hang out with a mixed race girl without making her look like Boba Fett- you’re a fucking racist. Actually, I’m not being fair. The mask was Stiviano’s idea- she was inspired by all those Clipper fans who were also embarrassed to be fucked by Sterling.

Cal Seething-050514-clipperbags

It was nice, though, to see Sterling express some genuine regret when he said “I should have just paid her off”. The most touching expression of remorse since Marion Berry’s “Bitch set me up” and Hitler’s “Scheisse! I knew we shouldn’t have filmed everything. Now we look like dicks”.

Anyhow- this isn’t all about Sterling- even if he did give out white hoods as yarmulkes at his son’s Bar Mitzvah and only invited Koreans. It’s a larger trend, a problem I’ve had my whole life. Show me a winning team, with humble players, a brilliant coach and a classy owner and I’ll be calling them “cocksuckers” and screaming at the television. How about you? Are you a Good Fan who loves Bad Teams? Just take this quiz to find out.

  1. This season, I’m totally psyched for:Cal Seething- 050514- Tim
    1. The Superbowl!
    2. The World Series!
    3. The Finals!
    4. The Draft Lottery.
  2. Watching the San Antonio Spurs is like:
    1. Poetry
    2. Ballet
    3. A symphony
    4. Death
  3. Derek Jeter is  Cal Seething-050514-jeter
    1. A great team captain
    2. A true champion
    3. A class act
    4. Douchey
  4. This offseason, I’m looking forward to:
    1. Getting some quality young players in the draft
    2. Getting healthy after a long hard season
    3. Adding more weapons on offense
    4. No new indictments
  5. My favorite part of going to a game is:
    1. Watching top athletes performing in their prime
    2. Cheering the home team to victory
    3. The emotional roller coaster of a hard fought battle
    4. NACHOS. Duh.
  6. Tom Brady isCal Seething- 050514- brady
    1. A leader on and off the field
    2. One of the great NFL success stories
    3. Handsome and charming
    4. Oh my God such a douche
  7. Word Association- when I say “butt” you think:
    1. Tush
    2. Ass
    3. Rear
    4. DAMN YOU SANCHEZ!!!!!
  8. My favorite AFC East team isCal Seething-050514-butt
    1. Patriots
    2. Patriots
    3. Patriots
    4. Losing to the Patriots
  9. The owner of my favorite team is
    1. A noted philanthropist
    2. An internet billionaire
    3. Not James Dolan
    4. Banned for life
  10. Peyton Manning is:Cal Seething-050514-peyton
    1. A brilliant offensive mind
    2. One of the top 10 QB’s of all time
    3. Still playing at an extraordinarily high level
    4. All of the Above. And such a douche

Give yourself 1 point for every “D” answer.

BONUS Questions:

Subtract 1 point for each piece of team attire that you wear unironically.

Did you download the Samsung LeBron James App? Subtract 10 points. Also, you’re dead to me.Cal Seething- 050514- bronapp

Add 1 point for every Ohio based team you like. Not from Ohio? Add 5 extra points. Also- seriously??? Are your parents from Ohio or something?? Did you go to school in Ohio?? Do you hate yourself?? Cause, I love underdogs, but everything from Ohio is crap and Johnny Football can’t change that.

Have you ever spotted Jack Nicholson at a home game? Subtract 2 points.

Have you ever spotted Billy Crystal at a home game? Add 2 points.

Have you ever spotted Tony Romo at a home game? Add 1 point. Was he starting at Quarterback? Add 5 points.

Do you like Tiger Woods? Subtract 5 points- unless you only like him cause he’s a sex addict, in which case add 2 points.

Are you secretly disappointed when a player you like thanks Jesus? Add 2 points.

Are you a Cubs fan? Add like a gazillion points. Seriously, dude, you should have said something- you could have skipped the whole Cal Seething-050514-cubsquiz. I mean, you just washed a handful of downers down with a pint of vodka- don’t waste the time you have left reading this.

 

Results:

1 – 3 points: You’re reprehensible. A star-fucking fair weather bandwagon jumper. A Duke fan. God, I’m jealous. It must be GREAT. I can’t even download the LeBron app on my BlackBerry.

3 – 5 points: You are knowledgeable and informed fan. You like teams that “play the right way”, players that are humble, and coaches who value hard work and discipline over flashy play and superstars. You refer to the golf course at Augusta at “hallowed Cal Seething-050514-whiteground”, put your hand over your heart during the national anthem and actually think it means something that “team” isn’t spelled with an “I”- even though, seriously, how would you fit an “I” into that word if you wanted to? Teiam? Teami? iTeam?? All terrible. You love Kevin Costner, U2, How I Met Your Mother, hamburgers and Disney. You are… the least interesting man in the world. You don’t always drink beer, but when you do, you always make sure someone else is driving and never have more than two Michelob Ultras. When comedians do their impression of white people- they’re actually doing you. If you were a flavor of ice cream, you’d be slight lactose intolerance. It’s actually boring me to write about you so I’ll stop.

5 – 8 points: You’re cool. Whatever.

8+ points: You have a problem. You don’t actually enjoy sports- you use sports to atone for your sins. And based on the teams you choose, you’ve got a WHOLE lot of sins to work off. Seriously, it’s all about masochism for you- hell, you don’t need a throwback jersey for your team- you need a hair shirt. The only joy you ever do get is cheering for the downfall of the teams you hate. This makes you an incredibly unpleasant person. Because you are a Good Fan who loves Bad Teams, like me- and we both have a serious problem to deal with.

I don’t really fall for teams that are consistently terrible- teams who fail miserably year after year and who are out of contention after the first month of the season. Those are the teams you elope with when you’re young. Everyone tells you that they’re no good- but you don’t care cause you know they just need the love of a good fan to make their dreams come true. But then, the years pass and failures mount and they just sit on the couch watching the playoffs and talking about how unfair it is that the calls never go their way and how great they could have been if they could have just stayed healthy and how maybe they could actually amount to something if they just got a little support and encouragement from the fans for a change instead of being criticized by the press all the time. Meanwhile that team you used to cheer for a little in high school wins championship after championship and opens a successful chain of hardware stores while you watch on your crappy old TV/VCR in the kitchen clipping coupons for Eggo Waffles and sobbing silently.

Cheering for those perennially terrible teams is like being an American during the Bush years. Yeah- sure, it’s embarrassing and Cal Seething- 050514-bushawful- but what did you expect? All you can do is hunker down, laugh it off and pray to the God of your choice that he doesn’t go to war in Iran.

No- I fall in love wiht teams with POTENTIAL, with EXPECTATIONS. I’m talking about teams like the Knicks- teams with talent and experience and money- teams that are just about to break through, just about to compete, just about to turn it around and to reward all of their miserable fans for their decades of pointless support. I’m talking about being an American during the Obama years. Cause this was supposed to be our time, our moment- the pendulum was swinging back and everything was finally going to change for the better, Democratic President, Democratic Congress- how could we fail- bring it on MOTHERFUCKERS! And then…..nothing. Well, OK- that’s totally not fair- he did a lot: ending Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell, the Affordable Care Act, ARRA, ending the Iraquistan wars- it’s just we wanted so much more- comprehensive immigration reform, major climate change legislation-  hell, he took us the Playoffs- but we wanted a RING. And now it’s only a matter of time before they blow up the administration and everything goes back to shit again. Huh. Excuse me (Horrible state of the world crying jag). There’s nothing worse about losing when you should have won. Just think of the Buffalo Bills- they make it to the Superbowl four years in a row and come away with nothing but a shitty Vincent Cal Seething-050514-buffaloGallo movie that makes them a metaphor for failure. Or ask Mark Jackson- dude guides his team to their best record since…well…. the Buffalo Bills were relevant (hello insult- meet injury) and gets fired for not going further in the playoffs. Or ask me- I got a fucking B- in French and my parents were all up in my shit like I should be doing better or something. You know, 25 years ago. It hurt, man. Having potential sucks. That also happened so long ago the Buffalo Bills were actually relevant. Sorry Buffalo. But you know you suck. You’re too close to Ohio not to. But I’m just lashing out. (Not living up to my potential and also not speaking French very well crying jag.)

And then, of course, there’s the other type of “badness”- bad behavior. Now- this is a tricky area- we all have our own deeply personal sense of right and wrong informed by upbringing, belief system, cultural norms and life experience. Fortunately, we don’t need to rely on any of that crap because we have ESPN and Twitter to tell us what to be mad about! #PitchforksandTorches So- for example- decades of discriminatory housing and employment practices- no problem- but an audio recording saying some vile hateful shit about Magic Johnson (NOT MAGIC!) Banned for Life! Cause everybody knows words speak louder than actions. And then there’s Jameis Winston- a few months ago everyone was all rape charges, shmape charges- but now Cal-Seething--050514--crabthat he’s been caught stealing crablegs?? THE MAN IS A MONSTER (he said the crab legs were asking for it) I mean, it’s not really a shock – women’s rights have always lagged behind seafood rights in the South- hell, Louisiana gave crawdads the vote in 1894. But still – it’s a new low, even for Florida.

Anyhow, there are bad teams and there are bad people and then there are the Clippers- a horrible team owned by a horrible person. The Clippers aren’t just bad, historically- they’re the best at being bad. They’re the William Shakespeare of Bad, the New York Yankees of Bad, the…well LA Lakers of Bad. And Sterling? Well, Dylan Farrow just picked him as the Worst Jew Ever. And Shelly Sterling’s no better- they’re the Bluths of basketball. But I don’t care- I love that team. I loved them when they really sucked, I loved them when they just sort of sucked and I love them now that they just might be good enough to win the honor of being crushed by the Heat. Blame Star Wars if you want. How am I supposed to cheer for the Evil Empire – no matter how well coached and organized they are (Darth Vader cuts the sleeves off his robe) when there’s a rag tag bunch butt fumbling rebels on the other side? So maybe it’s not really Bad Teams that I love, but Good Stories. Stories like Allen Iverson- who threw his body around like it was rented as he willed his Sixers into the Finals. Iverson- who was so good at being great and so bad at being merely human. And the 08 Celtics – three aging stars sweating blood for the only title they were ever going to get as they battled through three seven game series en route to beating the Lakers in six. I mean- come on- just look at how happy Kevin Garnett is?

Come on- ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!! Doesn’t that make you tear up a little?? Hell, I started to cry just embedding this link into the post. How could you not love that unless you’re a Laker fan in which case suck it.  How can you watch this and say that you’d rather watch the Heat win year after year so that LeBron can exhibit his Samsung McJoy??  Cause to me, that’s the best part of sports. Not the statistics but the raw humanity on display- and speaking of humanity- if Sterling’s audio recordings made you lose faith in it- Kevin Durant’s MVP speech might just restore a little bit. Wow. I know. That’s inspiring, right? Do you know how hard it was to cheer for the Clippers to break his legs after watching that?? But I did it- because I’m a Good Fan- and someday- someday I’ll find myself a nice team that really appreciates my support and rewards me with consistent victory. But, you just know that when I do- I’ll probably just want to be friends.

Meanwhile LET’S GO CLIPPERS thump thump thump thump thump LET’S GO CLIPPERS thump thump thump thump thump.Cal Seething- 050514- clipperd If you think Clipper Darrell is happy now- wait til you see how psyched he is when Oprah owns the team. Celebrities in the stands, banners in the rafters, sold out houses night after night. Huh. Sounds terrible. Maybe I’ll become a Laker fan.

 

 

 

[California Seething] Madness Revisited

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Posted by :Eric Sims On : April 14, 2015
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As far as I’m concerned, there are three types of people in the world:

  1. People who get sort of excited about March Madness and kind of miss it when it’s done.
  2. People who REALLY get excited about March Madness and look forward to it with the eager anticipation of Cal Seething- 040815- heartparents awaiting their first child only without the accompanying dread of terrible baby shower games (can we go back to not inviting dudes to these? I’m cool with that little bit of inequality if it means I never have to worry about tasting fucking baby food.) People like me who, when March Madness is over, feel as though a couple of nattily dressed brainlessly burbling SportsCenter anchors reached into their chest and ripped out their still beating hearts Temple-of-Doom style as they endlessly jabbered on about Tiger Woods’ chances at the Masters this year and the Opening Day of the fucking interminable death march that is the Baseball season. I swear, it’s like the Trail of Tears with Vin Scully filling in for Andrew Jackson and nachos for smallpox infested blankets.
  3. Weird, freaky, pasty faced people with hateful little beady eyes who don’t enjoy March Madness at all but instead prefer clubbing baby seals, leaving passive-aggressive notes on their neighbors’ cars, and watching fucking baseball.

So- clearly you’re waaaaaaay to cool to be one of the THIRD type of people- right? Of course you are. And that’s why I’m pretty sure that you miss March Madness at least a little bit and yearn for those magical days of endlessly chasing the buzzer beater dragon – just hours and hours of “What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Don’tshootdon’tshootdon’tshootdon’tshootdon’tshooot no no no no no no…..YES!!! yesyesyesyesyesyes IT’S OVER!!!!! IT’S OVER!!!!! Good game good game good game good game game. ” Come on- you know you miss it- and that’s why I’ve decided to relive the glory of the past month through the email updates that I, as the humble commissioner of my company’s TOTALLY for entertainment purposes only March Madness pool sent the participants in the pool. Join me as we relive the almost infinitesimal number of highs and all the many, many, oh so very many lows, as I take you from anticipation to devastation to the inevitable conclusion- with as much of the really boring crap cut out as I could manage (so, yeah, just imagine how much worse this would be if I left that stuff in!) Also- names have been changed to protect the innocent, profanity has been ramped up cause FUCK THE INNOCENT and I punched up a bunch of jokes cause I can’t stop myself.

Plus- as a bonus- you get all sorts of random and totally outdated jokes about current events- it’s as much fun as going through the old newspapers in your mom’s house when you’re putting together her audition video for Hoarders! Not that I have any idea what that’s like.

March 4, 2015

Subject: It’s March- And You Know What That MeansCal Seething- 040815- march

….at least- I’m hoping you know what that means, because if you’re getting this email it means that you participated in last year’s CTG March Madness pool, which means (unless you were only participating out of a sense of obligation or because somebody smacked you on the back of your head and took your money) that you’re as excited to get this email as I am to send it!! Or, OK, maybe not as excited because I’m bouncing up and down with glee- but, you know, pretty damn close.

Yeah, all the rest of this is just boring functional crap- you just need to know that the winner gets 75% of the pool and buys bagels for everyone, second place gets 25%, loser gets their $5 back and the Most Creative Bracket name wins some random prize. I say all of this like 10,000 more times and people are still like “now, what do I get if I win again?” People are dumb. Not any of you reading this of course- but, you know, OTHER people.

Let the madness begin!!!!

March 13, 2015

Subject: Selection Sunday is This Sunday- Can We Please Start Freaking Out Already?Cal Seething- 040815- obama

OK, so last week when I sent out the first March Madness message a whole WEEK AND A HALF before Selection Sunday, I was told by some people who shall remain nameless but are dicks that I was being overenthusiastic and premature (something which I was often accused of as a teenager- if you know what I mean. Yeah- you got it. Raising my hand in English class. Sigh #lonelynerd.)

But, can you really blame me? I mean, clearly March Madness is the most important thing happening in the world right now- hell, it’s so important that the President himself takes time away from testing the patience of Westside liberals by fucking up traffic on the way to do Kimmel (seriously?? Kimmel??? They’re closing streets so you can do Kimmel??? What’s next- declaring a national state of emergency so you can be a guest judge on Masterchef Jr???) to participate- although, 47 Senators did send a letter to the NCAA to ignore Obama’s bracket. Hey Senators- when you make the foreign minister of IRAN look like the adult in the room- it may be time to admit you’ve gone too far. It’s like the kid who eats paste telling the kid who eats his own shit to grow up and behave already. (OUTDATED CURRENT EVENT REFERENCE ALERT) Anyhow, you see my point- I mean what am I supposed to focus on if not March Madness- the 99 Seat Theatre fracas? That’s like a Civil War in the world’s smallest, poorest and least relevant country with Facebook playing the role of Gettysburg and Charlayne Woodard as General Lee. (If you think you’d like to learn more about the 99 Seat Plan controversy you totally don’t.)Cal Seething- 040815- 99

Well, anyhow- I held off on sending any further communication- but now- now- Selection Sunday is two days away, Conference Tournaments are in full swing and it is officially, incontrovertably and indubidably time to start FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   etc.

OK- so- if you are getting this message and you played last year, or have already registered for the group- then all you have to do is:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, boring stuff about how to participate- blah blah blah.

I’ll send another annoying reminder on Monday! If you don’t want to play – just let me know and I’ll bug you no more, though I will think significantly less of you.

March 24, 2015- Rounds of 64 & 32

Subject: My Bracket’s Not Busted and I’m Sort of Freaking Out About It

When I awoke on Saturday morning from uneasy dreams and ran to check my bracket I discovered something very troubling had transpired the night before and somehow, inexplicably, I was very close to the lead. You can see why I was disturbed by this. I mean, normally, when I wake up all excited on the first Saturday of the tournament and check my bracket, I find a terrifying bloody wreck and my excitement quickly turns to horrified dismay, like a kid waking up on Christmas morning and finding the mangled corpse of a goat under the tree- and if that hasn’t been used as the opening of a Criminal Minds episode yet- then WHY THE HELL NOT? They can use a line from Had Cal Seething- 040815- goatGadya for the opening quote. Eh- Had Gadya? Obscure Passover reference? Fellow Jews? Anyone??? Is this foreskin on????

Anyhow- my point here is that I’m used to looking at my bracket and seeing a ruined mess, so it was jarring to see it all neat and tidy. I haven’t been this freaked out since I visited New York after a decade away and saw what Bloomberg had done to the place- hell, I went down to Tompkins Square Park and there were actually KIDS playing in a sandbox….filled with…. get this…sand! Not syringes and puke, shattered malt liquor bottles and broken dreams- but pure, clean, wholesome sand- WTF???? THIS IS NOT MY CITY. Sigh.

You know what I’m saying right- New York isn’t New York without the junkies and the piss and the crime and March Madness ain’t March Madness without the agonizing failure, crushing disappointment and wave after wave of punishing self doubt OH YEAH – BRING IT, BABY- THAT SHIT’S LIKE HEROIN TO ME. Plus all of my picks were predictable and dull and if there’s one thing the tournament should never be, it’s predictable and dull (aside from the first day- that was great- but, of course, that was the one day I was way too busy with my stupid “job” thing to actually watch games. By the time I started watching on Friday, it was like when I showed up all excited for my first summer at camp and all everyone kept talking about was how awesome last summer was. Sigh.)  It got to the point that by Friday night I started cheering for outcomes wildly in conflict with my own self interest just in the hopes that something interesting would happen. So- Dayton over Providence- SURE! Michigan State over Virginia- WHY NOT??? NC State over Cal Seething- 040815- piccolo‘Nova? ABSO-FUCKIN’-LUTELY!! Score that upset! Bust that Bracket! Make that piccolo player WEEP- IT’S THE TOURNAMENT, BABY- IF YOU AINT’ CRYIN’- YOU AIN’T TRYIN’.

And yet, despite the massive upsets in the East Region my bracket still looks pretty good. And, you know what- I think I’m OK with that- hell, I’m in a big tie for third, and, who knows- maybe I could actually win this thing after ten years of heartbreak and despair- or, much much much more likely, I can get my hopes built up REALLY HIGH only to slide into defeat like a coach off a chair. Man, that guy loves his son. It’s kind of weird, right? The only time my dad cried when he talked about me was when he told people I was a theatre major. Kidding! Kidding! My parents have always been supportive of all my creative ambitions. So supportive that they are probably gonna read this post- hi guys! Thanks for always having my back, Dad and not crying like a bitch about it in front of the whole fucking country:

Anyhow- all of this is to say- we’re just one week into this thing with games starting up again on Thursday two more weeks of (hopefully) crazy action to go and anything can still happen! (within reason) So- good luck, have fun- and GO WHOEVER IS PLAYING KENTUCKY!

March 30, 2015- Sweet 16 & Elite 8

Subject: I Guess I Was Asking For It

Look, I’m no dummy. I know I was asking for it. Hell, last week I was all “ooooh the tournament is so boooooring” and “why hasn’t anyone busted my braaaaaacket yet” and “oh boo hoo hoo I’m actually winning this year wah wah wah” shamelessly whining about my First World Problems like a Food-Babe-reading-Whole-Foods-mom screaming at a minimum wage cashier cause she can’t find the right brand of Cruelty Free Kale Chips (there’s no such thing, of course. Kale Chips are cruel by definition). I should have known that my hubris would never be tolerated by the Tournament Gods Lundquist and Vitale (who maintains his youthful vigor by sucking the souls from insufferable Cal Seething- 033015- ashleyactresses, but the joke’s on him cause she traded her soul years ago to take Sandra Bullock’s role in Double Jeopardy. Then again, he was able to suck out a mouthful of used Botox and stale collagen- which makes his look younger and gives him the energy he needs to extol the virtues of clean living in between shooting Hooters commercials.)

Anyhow, the Tournament Gods let me have my One Shining Moment during the Sweet 16 while I was competing for the lead, before they smote me with a Mighty Hand and an Outstretched Arm (can you tell I’m getting psyched for Passover? Charoset in the Chouse!!) That’s right- in the very first game of the Elite 8 Wisconsin beat my super-brilliant pick to win the whole tournament: Arizona. Yeah, that’s right- Arizona. Gun totin’, immigrant hatin’, Jan Brewer electin’, MLK Day not celebratin’, Daylight Savings Time rejectin’, sun blasted, godforsaken, racist fuckin’ ARIZONA. Arizona- who’s only two attractions are a gigantic hole in the ground and an absurdly warm climate- making it, officially, the sweaty asshole of America. I mean, there’s a reason why Arizona was the last of the contiguous states added in 1912 after every single other territory had already been granted statehood- nobody wanted it! And do you think Congress was even serious about making it a state when theyCal Seething- 040815- carrie did? Hello no! It was like inviting Carrie to the prom- they were gonna dump pig’s blood on Arizona’s Senator on his first day of work (their all going to laugh at you, Arizona) but then they saw he was heavily armed and bat-shit crazy so they sad, “Screw it, we’ll keep the damn state. We can send baseball players there to train and old people there to die. Oh- and someday- someday maybe they’ll have an actual university. Yeah- and that university might have a basketball team- and that basketball team might get really, really good. So good, in fact, that some pundit might write an article about how in a large March Madness pool it’s actually statistically better to pick Arizona than the heavily favored Kentucky. And then, some complete and utter nincompoop with a beard who runs a theatre and sweats a lot will read this article and he’ll pick Arizona only to have them lose terribly in the Elite 8, blowing his bracket to smithereens while we laugh and laugh and laugh. Except of course, that we’ll be dead. Long dead. Almost as dead as that sweaty fuckwad’s bracket. Ha!” – and THAT’s the story of how Arizona became a state. It’s like Schoolhouse Rock up in this bitch.

And then- to add insult to bracket breaking- Notre Dame came within SECONDS of pulling off a gigantic upset and beating Kentucky in the second game on Saturday- which would have been awesome for a whole host of reasons, not Cal Seething- 040815- ndthe least of which being that everyone’s brackets would be a screwed as mine- only to lose in heartbreaking fashion in the final seconds of the game. Of course, it could be seen as karmic retribution that Notre Dame, which is located in Indiana, had their hearts torn out by Kentucky just days after the passage of the Religious Bigotry Act. Which, I know, is crazy when you think about it- when has Kentucky ever been the LESS bigoted state to cheer for? (OUTDATED CURRENT EVENT WARNING)

Alright- that’s all I’ve got- semi-final games are this Saturday and I’ll be watching on my phone during the Seder and trying not to yell out profanity during the Ten Plagues- or, at any rate, more profanity than is usual for our family Seder (come party with us!)

Good luck this weekend (to those of you whose brackets aren’t completely fucked)! Happy Passover (or Easter, whatever).

April 6, 2015 (Final Four Update)

Subject: Who Cares Who Wins? Kentucky Lost!

Alright, I promised myself I was gonna be gracious here. Be professional, be objective- just report on the facts. Not to Cal Seething- 040815- frankexpress my feelings about how ABSO-FUCKIN’-LUTELY AWESOME it is that Big Bad Blue Kentucky, led by coach John “Douchebag” Calipari  (hey, it’s not my fault that his parents named him that. It’s cause he was born with a full head of douchey coach hair- a rare congenital condition known as Pitino’s Disease. And also cause he’s a douche)  and his over-hyped gaggle of pumped up one-and-done, Happy Meal All Americans CRUMBLED  in the final seconds of the semi-final game like matzah under the weight of a Kaminsky-sized wedge of Wisconsin cheddar.

And, I’m sure as hell not going to talk about how TOTALLY AMAZEBALLS (is “amazeballs” still a thing? I’m very Cal Seething- 040815- ashley old) it was to see Ashley Judd and the rest of Big Boo-hoo Nation in the stands watching as their hopes and dreams for a history making undefeated season went down the toilet The “toilet”, I’m told, is a bathroom fixture that I eagerly look forward to revisiting just as soon as Passover is over. Just picture Wisconsin’s big men clogging the lane and you’ll have a rough idea what’s going on inside me. I know, TMI (is TMI still a thing? God, I’m so old).

Anyhow- like I said- I’m not gonna revel in Kentucky’s SOUL CRUSHING defeat (tee hee hee. Tee hee hee. Stop that!) – but I am going to report objectively and without bias that this has basically tanked just about half of the brackets in our pool- and has left only two players still seriously competing for victory. But in a way, we’re all winners- because whoever wins the tournament will be gracing us with the traditional Victory Bagels so that we can all share in the triumph. Except for me, of course, because Passover. And Kentucky because THEY LOST WOO-HOO!!!!! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I wasn’t going to celebrate. It’s OK Kentucky- you guys tried your best and it just wasn’t good enough. There’s no shame in that, unless, of course, you’re ashamed of being a bunch of fucking losers which, of course, you should be. Plus- it’s good for you to get used to losing- cause it’s all you’re gonna be doing in theCal Seething- 040815- jack NBA when you play for the Lakers next year. (All suck and no game makes Jack a sad boy. All suck and no game makes Jack a sad boy.)

tl:dr Kentucky lost. Wisconsin won. Everyone’s brackets are fucked and I’m inappropriately happy about it. (I know tl:dr is still at thing, cause it’s the most common comment on my posts. Sigh)

OK- to check all the standings please visit the site- and for any UK (and Laker) fans who want to punch me in the face- I’ll be out of the office til Wednesday. If you need to punch someone in the face urgently, please contact Charlayne Woodard immediately (though she’ll make you pay her minimum wage for the privilege  or, you can wait Cal Seething- 040815- randuntil Wednesday and punch me in the face when I return. And if you’re not following the whole 99 seat mess, you can just punch Rand Paul. Go on, do it. He’ll throw a little temper tantrum like a five year old who’s daddy took away his Fountainhead Lego set (build a towering skyscraper as a testament to human superiority and then smash it on the ground because it’s too perfect to exist).

Happy Final Game!

April 7, 2015- Final Update

Subject: Duke Wins. Oh Goody.

You know, I talk a lot of trash about Kentucky- but I really owe them a debt of gratitude. Because a few years ago, if Cal Seething- 040815- clDuke had won (oh, yeah, Duke won, BTW) I would have been full of piss and vinegar- all “entitled preppy white boys” this and “J. J. Reddick” that and “something something something cleaning my toilet with Christian Laettner’s stupid 90’s Lesbian haircut”. But now, because I find Kentucky so utterly loathsome and repellent – I’m totally fine with the fact that Duke won! Cause, you see, I take the same approach to sports that the U.S. Government takes to the Middle East- I just support whichever side seems less repulsive at the time (also a common strategy for U.S. voters and consumers of Passover desserts. Honestly, goyim- eat a goddamn macaroon and then tell me you don’t like Marshmallow Peeps.) It’s like- one year the Broncos are in the Superbowl and Seattle is the devil- and the next year Seattle’s playing the Patriots and I’m all “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST RUN THE FUCKING BALL!!!!!” – and, of course, no matter which side I support, I end up losing- so…hey- just like the U.S. Government in the Middle East!

So- yeah- Duke won. Whoopi-dee-doo. I was cheering for Wisconsin cause they beat Kentucky (the enemy of my enemy is my team) but, whatever. And – of course, that means that the winner of our March Madness pool is….Steve’s bracket “Steve” (congrats, “Steve!”)- and the winner of the Most Creative Bracket Name prize is……pretty clearly NOT Steve. Actually- that goes to “Unexpected Value of Ignorance” which is the best bracket name to be taken from an Alejandro Inarritu movie title since “Basket-Babel” and “21 SLAMS!”. And, of course, the second place bracket is “Crying Boys” – or as they are also known “The Harrison Twins”.

Alright, that’s all for now- I hope all of you beady eyed, pasty faced seal clubbers enjoy your stupid baseball season while those who prefer our sports “entertaining” drown our sorrows in the NBA playoffs while we wait for the start of FOOTBALL SEASON!!! WOO HOO!!! Go Jets…or Broncos…or whoever is playing the Patriots- it doesn’t matter. You’re just gonna lose anyhow. Crap.

Meanwhile- while we’re waiting for the football season, we can enjoy the build up to the NFL draft. It’s especially heartening that the NFL is so committed to raising awareness about violence against women that they’re selecting a known rapist with the number one pick. Shame on you, NFL. If only you treated violence against women as seriously as you treat the risk of brain damage to players- oh, wait, never mind- you do! (SADLY, NOT AN OUTDATED CURRENT EVENT WARNING)

Until next year!

Postscript:Cal Seething- 040815- ihate

I was jonesing so bad for some March Madness action that I finally watched the ESPN documentary I Hate Christian Laettner and, hey, guess what? I HATE DUKE AGAIN!!! I knew I should have watched it before the Championship- just think of all the red faced sputtering fury I missed out on. It’s like when I forgot to watch Schindler’s List before Germany won the World Cup. It’s a good flick, though- best video I’ve seen about white privilege in ages that doesn’t feature the NYPD. Oh well, there’s always next year- and, who knows, maybe Wisconsin will actually win the championship and I’ll have to come up with a reason to hate them. Beer swilling, cheese eating, Scott Walker voting motherfuckers! Cal Seething- 040815- cheeseOh, yeah. That’s the stuff- ONLY 11 MONTHS TO GO TIL NEXT MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRCCCCCHHHH!!!!!!!!!

March Madness. Fuck yeah.