During the recent inauguration ceremony for the Miami Official Walk of Fame, Anne Hathaway’s hair was pecked vigorously by the overly enthusiastic parrot she was posing with for pictures.

Wait, what?

Let’s take this piece by piece, shall we:

There’s a Miami Official Walk of Fame? Yes! Well, now there is anyhow. It’s at the Bayside Marketplace, a “festival marketplace”, featuring “exciting shopping, dining and entertainment” in Downtown Miami.

So it’s at a mall? No no no no no no no no! It’s an “arts and entertainment district at Bayside Marketplace” which is known as “one of South Florida’s prime hospitality and tourism destinations and a vital economic growth engine for Miami.”

So…it’s at a mall? Yes.

And, who’s in this Miami Official Walk of Fame? All sorts of Big Time Celebrities! “The Official Miami Walk of Fame immortalizes some of the entertainment industry’s biggest names, many who are hometown celebrities in entertainment, television, theater, sports, music and others, chosen by a selection committee of industry peers.”

So…? Everybody! Andy Garcia! Jamie Foxx! Uhm….the animated movie Rio 2. And….oh…. Romero Britto.

Romero Britto? What has he done? Lots of stuff! Like…uhm…well- for one thing he designed the Official Miami Walk of Fame Star.

And they paid him by giving him a star? Well….yeah..he also gets a free Bloomin’ Onion at the Bayside Marketplace Outback and 15% off entrees at the Cheesecake Factory

SWEET!!! Yeah, I know, right. I wish I had designed that star. I love Bloomin’ Onions.

Anyhow- so… OK, so right- Anne Hathaway was attending the inauguration of the Official Miami Walk of Fame – where they were giving the very first stars to Andy Garcia, Jamie Foxx and Rio 2.

Wait wait wait wait wait- NOT DAVID CARUSO?????????? I know. It’s a fucking outrage.

And Anne Hathaway got a star? Well…not exactly. She didn’t get her own star. She was just honored as part of Rio 2.

That’s very sad. Yeah, so, Anne Hathaway was posing for pictures with a parrot at the ceremony when the parrot got out of control and started nibbling at her short hair.

So….why was she posing with a parrot again? I guess she does a voice of a parrot in Rio 2.

Oh. And why does she still have that haircut? You’re on your own with that one, dude.

They probably told her it was for Les Miz 2. Totally- she’ll believe anything. Just say it to her with an Italian accent.

Alright- so- let me get this straight- Academy Award winner Anne Hathaway was at some bullshit ceremony in some bullshit mall for some bullshit Walk of Fame, where she wasn’t even getting her own star, posing for pictures with some bullshit parrot to promote some bullshit sequel to a bullshit cartoon when the parrot attacked the hair which she cut really short for the movie that she won the Academy Award for- just as a reminder about how wrong things have gone for her since she won? – Yup.

Wow That’s like the saddest thing I’ve ever hear. Did she get paid?  Yes! Well, Garcia gave her some Bloomin’ Onion.

SWEET!! So, that’s a great story. I guess- I mean, there are a lot of people I would much rather see get attacked by a parrot- like Gweneth Paltrow, for instance- who wouldn’t want to see a parrot consciously uncouple her eyes from their sockets.

And Jenny McCarthy- hey, I hear she’s not vaccinated for Bird Flu! Uhm, there’s no vaccination for…  shut up.

The best would be Suey Park– who? – you know, the Twit-iot who started the whole #CancelColbert crap– oh yeah! We could sic an African Grey on her and when she screams, we’ll call her a racist (high five) #SueyHatesAfricans #NotYourParrotSidekick #PhightParrotPhobia

Nevertheless, the parrot chose to go after Anne Hathaway. Yeah. Maybe in the future, someone truly deserving will be attacked- like maybe Dear Parrot will let Kim Jung Un know just what he thinks of the Official Haircut, or maybe Putin will make an ill-advised foray into parrot wrestling. BTW, Vlad- when North Korea, Syria and Sudan are the ones who agree with you,  that just makes you seem more crazy.  I mean- you want Westboro Baptist Church protesting your funeral- not showing up with flowers and a tuna casserole. That’s as bad as having Michelle Malkin promote your hashtag!

And – don’t forget the Kardashians- Oh yeah! Don’t even tempt me with Hitchcockian visions of parrots descending on Calabasas to punish humanity for our terrible taste in reality show stars.

For the time being, though, we’ll have to content ourselves with Anne Hathaway.  Well- she did host those terrible Oscars with James Franco- That’s right! Now, hey, James Franco- there’s someone who could really use a good parrot attack. Then again, if he did, he’d just write a poem about it- and then we’d all have to suffer. So…sorry, Anne. I guess you’re just taking a parrot attack for the team. If I were you, I’d pass on Rio 3. God knows what kind of horrible critters she’d have to pose with.

Here’s a link to the story- if you’re curious: http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/whos-pretty-polly-anne-hathaway-3271427