Tesla’s still not telling. Master manipulator…uh make that “marketer” (Bad, auto-correct!), Elon Musk has yet to announce the location of his $5 billion battery Gigafactory for which five states including NM are competing. Its potential location is generating more rumors and speculation than Area 51.

No, I didn’t say they were breaking ground in Area 51. What? You already put it out on Twitter  #aliensruntesla. Fine. Wolf Blitzer’s on his way there now? And Tesla stock is soaring? Wow! Social Media sure beats an article in the “Enquirer.”

Meanwhile, rumors aside, ABQ, in an economic slump compared to glitzy, populous, popular cities like Dallas, Phoenix, and LA is trying to bolster its spirits with determinedly upbeat optimistic words from the NM Economic Development Department.  NM is “very much in the game.” Sure, if the game means pandering shamelessly to a guy whose $70,000 electric cars most New Mexicans can’t even afford. Still, NMEDD wants us to know that they’ll “continue to work aggressively (ie give Tesla zillions in bri….incentives) to make NM the home of Tesla’s Gigafactory. All this rah rah rhetoric and not a single word about what a “giga” is. It sounds like a computer generated monster menace straight out of SyFy.

“Gigapig vs Killer Tomatoes – BLTs will never be the same!”

“Attack of the Gigasaurus- Cancel Mass Ascension during Balloon Fiesta?! Are you cra…STOMP!”

How about “Gigabiters- Tesla groundbreaking unleashes the fury of vengeful mutant prairie dogs!”

And speaking of SyFy, while Tesla tests our patience and our purses, dangling  its prize just out of reach of our greedy, grasping fingers, let’s not forget  ABQ’s and NM’s love of all things show biz.  We are after all, aspiring to be Hollywood adjacent by encouraging TV and movie production here. So, Tesla or no Tesla, here’s my plan for a sure fire ABQ based Sy Fy project. NMEDD, are you listening?

I’ve actually done some serious research. Over the last week, I watched “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus,” “Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus,” “Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark,” and “Mega Piranha.” (Mega schmega, Murray, we gotta break even on this meshugganah fish gizmo you bought! ) I also watched “Malibu Shark Attack,” “Sharknados 1&2,” and the best of the bunch, “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” (Ya gotta see this one, ya know. Joey Fatone – Chomp!) I’m afraid to pour a glass of water for fear of what might jump out!

Listen up, ABQ. Here’s what I learned. Enough with the fish! SyFy is ripe for a new genre of animal and plant monster flicks and ABQ is a desert town with animals and plants just waiting for their close-ups. And the great part – no need to recruit screenwriters who will charge big bucks and pontificate over the existential symbolism of chainsaws and shark storms. No way! Just gather a bunch of bright 12 year olds with iPads in a garage ” incubator.” Let them brainstorm with the TA DA …SyFy Originals Originating Formula! Faster than you can say, “SFOOF!” you’ve got a pile of $aleable SyFy scripts taller than Godzilla.

SFOOF is a simple script synthesizer:

Weird or catastrophic event + violent transformed animal or plant (extinct is ok)=total, bloody low budget computer enhanced chaos to thrill audiences around the world.

Toss in an aging actor from an iconic 80’s tv show surrounded by a bevy of barely clothed cuties  (male and female. – acting experience optional) and folks, it’s show time!  To get those 12 year old’s creative juices flowing,here are a few examples of SFOOF in action. (Remember, no fish!)

“Slumming Birds” – Humming birds sip nectar from flowers in an urban park that has been contaminated by toxic waste from an evil Gigafactory. The birds are transformed into flying demons who threaten gentrification efforts in an apologetically dismal downtown.

“Yuccasuckers” – NM’s state plant, the yucca, takes root in soil from a vampire’s coffin. (Of course it could happen. Don’t you people watch “True Blood”?) The usually passive plant becomes the root of all evil and drains its  victims dry. “Dracula”meets “Little Shop of Horrors.”

Yes!

Get the idea? Oh, you’re concerned about the logic of these plots? Logic? We don’t got no stinkin’ logic! If a cloudburst over Manhattan can become carnivorous and the SFOOFtacular Sharktopus can battle Pteracuda, then “logic” is just another name for “boring science stuff they show on PBS when there’s no pledge drive.” Down with STEM! Up with SFOOF!  Did Sharknado’s creator Thunder Levin worry about logic? (If Thunder is his real name, then I’m Cloudy-With-A-20%-Chance-Of-Rain Sims!)

Hasta la vista SyFy. Say adios to the sharks and get ready for the freaky flora and fauna of ABQ.

C’mon kids. Let’s get this SFOOFin’ show on the road!

Imagine greater!