I’m sure you all know by now that today is not only Thanksgiving but the first day of Hanukkah. If you weren’t aware of this, then you might want to consult a proctologist about getting your head out of your ass. Fiber can help with that, too- trust me, I know! Anyhoo, the next time these two holidays are scheduled to coincide is in approximately 70,000 years- assuming, of course, there are no major changes to the Jewish calendar between now and then and that our super-intelligent ape slave-masters allow us to celebrate Thanksgiving- which I’m pretty sure they will unless they have us enslaved at Walmart. You Maniacs! You Opened up for Black Friday on Thanksgiving! Damn You! Damn you all to hell!!. (And, yes, it’s true- there is no occasion that can’t be improved by a Planet of the Apes reference. Try it at dinner today: “Wait- so you didn’t buy any canned cranberry sauce and all you’ve got is this freaky lumpy home-made crap? You Maniacs!!! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!”) Unfortunately, because these two holidays coincide, Walmart’s decision to open on Thanksgiving will be particularly hard on their Jewish employees, since I know both of them were really looking forward to celebrating with their families and nobody donated latke mix to the Walmart employee food drive. Good thing the Supreme Court decided that corporations are people, so I can tell Walmart to go eat a bag of dicks.

So- sure, I guess it’s kind of a big deal that both holidays are falling on the same date, particularly since Jews are some of the least thankful people on earth. Don’t believe me? Here’s my impression of the entire Old Testament:

God: For lo, I have bestowed upon thee, my chosen people, a multitude of blessings: Freedom, land, protection, shelter, food, milk, honey, uhm….what else….backrubs, vanilla scented candles, peanut butter sandwiches with the crusts cut off, Bath & Body Works Bannana-Berry Body Spray, a coupon for one free footlong at Subway when you purchase one of equal or lesser value….uhm…did I say freedom already?

Israelites: Waaaaah! It’s too hot here, the dessert smells funny, I’m allergic to vanilla, I asked for crunchy peanut butter, they wouldn’t honor the coupon for any of the items on Fiery Siriracha Sauce menu because they said it couldn’t be used for limited time seasonal specials, that backrub was too rough…

God: Jesus Fucking Christ!! What do I have to do to make you ingrates happy??

Jesus: Golly gee Dad, maybe if you just said you loved them every once in a….

God: Shut your damn love hole. I wasn’t asking you.

Jesus: Okey Dokey.

But, I would just like to implore- nay- beg my fellow American Jews to keep their wits about them and not do anything stupid this year. Seriously.  I don’t care how major a coincidence this is THERE IS NO REASON ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH TO BRINE A TURKEY IN MANISCHEWITZ. I understand that kitschy irony is the only way that American Jews feel comfortable expressing their faith but- PLEASE DON’T DO IT. All you will do is ruin both holidays and remind Jewish children just how badly they get shafted every winter. Seriously- if you actually want the Jewish people to be around in 70,000 years, you won’t shove a bright fucking purple  Mansichewitz brined turkey down your screaming kids’ throats and drive them right into the warm goyisha embrace of Santa Claus and Baby Jesus. Baby Jesus always gets the drumstick by the way. He can be so bossy sometimes.

On the other hand, what you can do to celebrate Kvetchgiving is give the Jews in your life a super-cool first night of Hanukkah present that they can show off at Thanksgiving dinner – like- oh, I don’t know A SHARKNADO AREA T-SHIRT!!!! That’s right- we Jews are getting kick ass presents already from our non-Jewish spouses and you guys have to wait like a whole month- SUCK IT GOYIM! And we’ve got 7 more nights to go! Jealous? The line for conversion begins on the right, bitchez. I just hope your circumcised or this is about to get awkward. And by awkward I mean unbelievably painful. Honestly, it’s probably not worth it for you, especially since Hanukkah’s gonna be like a month later next year.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got. Have a great holiday. Eat lots of stuff. Pretend to be thankful even if all you do is whine like a bitch the rest of the fucking year and top it all off with a slab of pumpkin pie. Wait- hold on- what do you mean you’re out of pumpkin pie? Damn you! Damn you straight to hell! Huh. that’s how I ended my last post. See, perfect every time. At least I can be thankful for that.

Check out this Dessert Droppings post for more great Thanksgiving/Hanukkah whatever you want to call it observations.