I was recently introduced to AMC’s “The Walking Dead” by a family member who is a four season, zombie lore spouting, totally prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse ( and blizzards) fan of this putridly popular show. For those cave dwellers out there who are unfamiliar with “walkers,” “zombie pets,” or how to defend against these rotting hoards, here’s the story. “The Walking Dead” (TWD) is the gut-wrenching (literally!) saga of the survivors of a catastrophic virus (way worse than swine flu) that turns the deceased into decaying mobile monsters whose sole purpose is to feed on the living. In TWD, zombies lurch, lunge, and lumber around mindlessly making life utterly miserable for those who are just trying to survive (sort of like Congress).
Dialogue in TWD is generally a variation of:

Raggedy Survivor #1: I think this road is clear.

Dirt streaked Survivor  #2: Yup. I don’t see any walkers (ie. zombies) who might see, hear, or smell us.

Survivor # 1: Whew! I’ll just sit on this rock and rest.

Fans screaming at their giant flat screens:  Nooooo!  Get up! They’re …

(Snap! Crackle! Plop! Chomp! Out from behind a bush! Up from the ground! A montage of gnashing skulls, clawing skinless fingers, voracious foul mouths (ie. stage-struck Atlantan extras decked out in deadware))

(Survivor #1 is bitten  and with the gnawing skull still attached to his leg is transformed into a walker.)

Survivor #2: Wow! That’s no way to get ahead!

Get a head…you see the skull is attached..never mind. Just kidding anyway. You won’t ever hear a line like that in TWD. TWD is serious stuff – grim, thought provoking, existentially edgy, not, I repeat, not funny.

“Grrr, rahrr, mmmph, arrrgl.” This is fearful zombie-speak. Carefully rehearsed, nuanced, accompanied by meticulously choreographed zombie moves. That’s clump, crawl, drag, Murray, not shuffle, stumble, stoop.  And pull your eyeball in. Save the dangle for the close-up! Make-up!

Unlike the ravenously romantic, endearingly soulless vampires of a few cable seasons past, zombies have no redeeming features. No matter how you slice them, short of a brain-busting blow, zombies keep coming and coming and coming, plot twist after plot twist to the delight of loyal viewers who huddle in the dark (the official way to watch) and screech at every brrnk, glrk, and aaack.

And that’s not all. For fans who want to chew the fat, eviscerate the dialogue, and dissect the characters’ backstories, TWD is followed by “The Talking Dead. “The Talking Dead picks the brains of TWD writers, directors, and cast members in a stream of polite patter about the show’s behind-the-scenes ghoulish goings on.

But, this is Desert Droppings. So why am I expending verbal slopestyle on behalf of a TV show?
There aren’t any zombies around ABQ unless you count the gruesome group in NM’s legislature who just killed a proposal to allow NM voters to decide whether to legalize pot. As one  mindless member of this creepy crew of lawmakers put it, “We nipped that one in the bud!”
Just kidding! You won’t hear a line like that in the NM legislature.  NM’s thirty-day legislative marathon is serious stuff -grim, thought provoking, existentially edgy, not, I repeat, not funny!
Grrrrnk!

True, no TWD style zombies in sight, but the day after watching TWD, I happened to be in a neighborhood shopping center and saw a black and white sedan with a huge blue and white flashing light thingie on top- a cop car! Did someone snitch a bag of gluten- free cranberry/kale Krunchies from Sprouts or sneak a gummy bear and salty caramel sundae out of the yogurt place? In my best Law and Order manner, I edged closer to the vehicle to see if there was a perp cuffed inside.  And there it was…Albuquirky at its finest! There was no arrest in progress. This official looking car was not APD, but ZATU- Zombie Attack Tactical Unit #zr111. This police car look alike bore decals proclaiming it to be part of the Zombie Outbreak Response Team and a supporter of Zombie Black-Ops.  Where there’s a Zombie Attack Tactical Unit car, there are sure to be zombies, right? Right? Believe me, this blogger wasn’t born yesterday.  Not even close. So I’ve been on the lookout.  That hulking shape outside the ice cream shop in Old Town- nah, just an immense teddy bear.  That bony twosome swaying in the wind over by the gallery- false alarm -fashionably attired Day of the Dead skeletons attracting tourist attention. Whoa! How about those hollowed-out forms skulking rigidly in the shadows near the gift store?  Shhhh. I’ll check …nope, not zombies- ABQ outdoor art for sale.

Ok, so far no zombies. No zombies in plain sight that is.  But, I plan to keep watching TWD, you know, just in case and stocking up on bottled water, canned tuna, and chocolate pudding (you TWD fans know what I mean).  Just in case.  Grnnnk.

What’s the best snack to devour while watching TWD?  This is not a riddle with tee- hee answers like artichoke hearts, lady fingers, or chopped liver. No, this is serious stuff, grim, thought provoking, etc. The ideal treat to eat when cheering on Team Zombie is raw, gluten-free, vegan “original chewy banana bits.” I have a bag right here. Despite the cheery picture on the bag of ripe, golden yellow bananas, the contents are actually fibery  brown stumps with a taste and aroma only the walking dead could love. If these mummified munchies were marketed as Zombie Toes, they might possibly become a cult favorite.  Until then…
Oh, you want to try one? Sure.
Grnkl  zmrrrk!
You’re welcome.