Waffling in the foggy afterglow of the annual feast of excess? Burning through the dying embers of the cruel afternoon’s hangover, promising “never again” but not entirely sure what? Working in theatre and looking for a cheap laugh?

HELP IS ON THE WAY, DEAR

New Year’s Eve Resolutions for Theatre Professionals

• I will not wait until places is called to sprint for a quick pee.
• I will not wait to check that my cell phone is turned off until the first blackout; I will handle my business during the not-really-popular-anymore pre-show music.
• I will not pick any song off of a soundtrack, except where explicitly used for comedic effect.
• I will not, under any circumstances, tell the designer what the actual budget is. They will only ask for twenty to eighty percent more; whores will have their trinkets.
• I will not discuss moulding with anyone, ever.
• I will only say the word “wainscotting” five times this year.
• I will not reveal that I plan to fix anything with EQ, a paint treatment, diffusion, reverb, Viewpoints, haze, sheet plastic, a working iPhone prop, the box-step, a metatheatrical cop-out, a big dance sequence or video design.
• I will not hire a video designer for this play simply because it’s not interesting enough. I will hire a video designer to provide sexual relief to the cast and crew.
• I will not write a character who only appears for less than three pages at the end of the play, despite having never been mentioned prior.
• I will not forget to turn off my comm beltpack LED/LCD/Disco Party Light before changing scenery behind a scrim.
• I will not murder anyone in the chorus or principals simply because of bad diction (again).
• I will consider at least one option prior to resorting to gaff tape.
• I will not tape together cables with duct tape. Wait; I will not tape anything together with duct tape.
• I will not call rehearsals before the last preview or opening, except for understudies or to give gifts and/or promise people how awesome they actually aren’t.
• I will not call the understudy for every preview unless they’re actually worse than I am at the part and/or could use a big break.
• I will not write solos with more than three weird time signature changes. Actors are distracted easily and this can make the sequence difficult to cue.
• I will check the schedule several times throughout the week, not fourteen minutes prior to the curtain on the first – and unexpected – matinee.
• I will invest in a clock-ass-god-damned-radio for the times that my phone fails to wake me for said unexpected matinee.
• I will not send more than one e-mail a month to my mailing list, and even then, I refuse to release anything to my subscriber base that does not feature at least one funny picture of a cat doing something stupid.
• I will not rely on Facebook Events, a hastily compiled trailer and a single reviewer from Goldstar as my PR.
• I will not allow the theatre to run out of flat black, black gaff, glow tape, binder clips, toner or vodka.
• I will not hire only one sound guy for tech. If nothing else, they have the best jokes/drugs.
• I will not resort to aggravated assault should a patron request a temperature change in the theatre, regardless of age or blood alcohol content of the patron.
• I will not write a play set in a Manhattan apartment. Fuck it; anywhere in New York.
• I will not obviously play Candy Crush, Words with Friends or Facebook during tech.
• I will not sign in five minutes early just so I can run next door and have dinner before half-hour.
• I will  not show up to any call drunk, high or otherwise intoxicated without enough to share.