Thinking about getting a pet parrot? You’re dumb. Dumb as a box of rocks. D-U-M dumb. So dumb that you heard it was chilly outside so you came outside with a spoon and fork. So dumb you went to Turkey for Thanksgiving. So dumb you got a parrot as a pet and the minute you let your guard down it pecked your eyes out and sucked out your brain through the sockets- and then you were even dumber cause you had no brain. Oh- what’s that you say? Parrots don’t really peck your eyes out? So, I guess it’s just a coincidence that all pirates have eye-patches? Right. I’m no dummy.

Still- you don’t need to take my word for it. You can check out PBS’s new documentary Parrot Confidential. This documentary thoughtfully explores all of the many reasons why parrot ownership is stupid- extremely loud voices, penchant for biting, tendency to form extremely close bond with single owner and absolutely no on else- so they become extremely distraught if the owner is not there or if someone else tries to care for them- which can create difficulties if the owner goes out of town or dies. And because parrots have absurdly long life-spans it’s very likely the owner will die and stick one of their unsuspecting heirs with a screaming, grief stricken, senile bird that hates them. So- it’s very important that if you have any elderly relatives who own parrots you stop visiting them immediately. No flowers on Mother’s Day, no cards on their birthday, no phone calls- just cut em off when the dementia sets in and hope they forget your name when they’re writing the will so you don’t get stuck with the parrot on your doorway like a flaming bag of shit with tropical plumage.

Then again you could skip the documentary, read this article with the headline: “Baby’s screams and shouted death threats traced to a badly behaved PARROT” and spend the rest of your evening catching up on episodes of MasterChef Junior (Cross-promotion. BOOM) and thanking whatever god you worship that you decided to adopt a gerbil (Richard Gere gerbil jokes- still relevant? Discuss). I mean, why the hell would you want to own a huge, screeching, co-dependent, needy, unpredictable, violent creature that’s going to make your life hell until you die and then do a happy parrot dance on your grave? That’s not a pet- it’s an Edward Albee play- or worse – it’s Parrot: Osage County, it’s Polly, Dearest – it’s the worst fucking pet since the Mogwai. I mean, sure it doesn’t reproduce when you expose it to water- but it’s gonna turn into a Gremlin whether you feed it after midnight or not. (Isn’t it always after midnight? I mean- what’s the cut off time- is it midnight-6AM, midnight-8AM? Discuss.)

And, look, if you absolutely must get a parrot, then I beg of you- be careful what you say around it. Before you scream profanity or threaten to kill it- ask yourself- would I say this in front of a 2 year old? And if the answer is “no”, then say something else. And if the answer is “hell, yeah” then you’re just the sort of dysfunctional asshole who deserves a parrot in your life. I’m sure the two of you will be very happy- though I can’t say as much for your neighbors- or the unsuspecting nephew who’s gonna get the filthy bird when you die. If only he’s cut you off, like I suggested.

Parrot Confidential documentary:  http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/entertainment2/57091482-223/parrot-parrots-bird-care.html.csp

Badly behaved parrot: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/parrot-impersonated-owner-shouted-death-2711577