It took Richard Linklater 12 years to film Boyhood. Every year he would gather the company together for a few weeks and they would film a bit of the movie. By the time he was done the entire cast had all aged 12 years in real time, even those actors playing smaller roles, and background actors. Can you imagine the type of vision it takes to embark on an artistic journey like this? The sheer persistence and dedication required to follow it through to completion? It’s truly a singular and admirable accomplishment in cinema and I have nothing but genuine respect for Linklater for making it happen. It’s just a shame that he wasted 12 years of his life because Sharknado 2 has made all other movies obsolete. (Sorry, Richard- maybe you can film yourself walking  around in circles with Ethan Hawke babbling about how you used to be relevant and call it Before Sharknado. I mean, no one will come see it – but you should be used to that! #shoudlhavequitafterdazedandconfused #canyouandethanhawkejustfuckalreadysowecanstophavingtoseeterriblemovies #please??)

In fact, if you are currently engaged in making a movie- I suggest you halt production immediately, sell your equipment and go to ITT Tech stat (I’m hearing good things about the School for Criminal Justice) so you can save yourself the embarrassment of trying to compete with Sharknado 2. Because if cinema was pinball Sharknado 2 would be Tommy- blind to the limits of taste, deaf to nuance and subtlety and dumb. So wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully DUMB. So just quit now. (NOTE: If you are involved in the making of Fast & Furious 7 or any future Fast and/or Furious sequel- this does not apply to you. Please proceed. Paul Walker would have wanted it that way. Moment of silence for Paul Walker……….and we’re done.)

Now, I know that you’re probably saying to yourself “Listen Harry Horsecock (can I help it if that’s what you call yourself? Grow up already.) How is it possible that Eric is saying Sharknado 2 is the greatest movie of all time? Has he not seen Citizen Kane? Has he not seen Casablanca? Is he some sort of Philistine?” Well, let me tell you something Harry Horsecock- I know cinema. Sure, I’ve seen Citizen Kane and Casablanca- have you seen Battleship Potempkin? The Grand Illusion? Breathless? Out of the Past? The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover? The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? BASKET CASE ONE, TWO AND/OR THREE??????  Cause, I have. Do you have an eighth favorite Coen brothers movie? (Hudsucker Proxy. Come on, son) Did you say “Oooooh! Thelma Ritter!!” as you were looking through the TCM website to see who was featured on EVERY SINGLE DAY of Summer Under the Stars? (August 9. William Powell day. Leave me alone. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME WHEN I’M GETTING MY THIN MAN ON and if I wasn’t so progressive and forward thinking I would add #nohomo to that because never has a statement screamed out for it more #notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat). Bottom line, Harry Horsecock- I know film and I’m ready to stand by my opinion that Sharknado 2 just won cinema. Let me break it down for you.

Plot

I really thought they were going to ease into it. I had a whole Martin Brody Jaws 2 style arc for Fin Shepherd worked out in my head. He’d be haunted by what he’d experienced, seeing flying sharks everywhere, warning anyone who’ll listen about the coming Sharknado only to encounter mockery and ridicule at every turn- until, finally, disaster strikes- and he has to rescue those who once laughed him from certain destruction. My wife and I were both pretty sure of this. In fact, during the pre-title sequence, when Fin’s plane was attacked by sharks, my wife turned to me and said “Surely, this must be a dream sequence” and I said “Of course it is. And don’t call me Shirley” and she said “Sorry, Mr. Horsecock”.

But it seems that the creators of Sharknado 2 decided to follow the words of visionary Zionist Theodore Herzl “if you will it, it is no dream”. Only- they weren’t referring to the state of Israel, but to a passenger plane being attacked on all sides by murderous creatures irrationally determined to killing every single innocent person on board even if it means their own demise- or, as I like to call it- the State of Israel! I’m amazed that shark rights activists haven’t accused Fin Shepherd of war crimes. I mean, if his name was Shepherdstein, they’d be burning synagogues for sure.

The point here is- Sharknado 2 doesn’t have time to dick around petty little foreshadowing dream sequences or bullshit dramatic questions like “Will Fin be able to convince the doubters and skeptics that he is not crazy and overcome the traumatic memories of the horrors he experienced in LA in time to save the great city of New York from certain annihilation?” Fuck that noise.  This movie’s got way bigger narrative fish to fry (so to speak)- and tackles the IMPORTANT dramatic questions like:

“Where is Fin Shepherd going to find a chainsaw in Manhattan?“
“How will Tara Reid transform the stump of her severed hand into a high-powered buzz saw shark killing machine?”
and, most importantly- “How can you have an entire movie with Mark McGrath and not have him say ‘I just wanna fly’ right before he’s sucked up off the ground into a Sharknado??”
I mean COME ON- that’s like casting Billy Ocean in a movie as a police officer who patrols  nightmares and not having him say “For the last time- I’m warning you- Get out of the dream and GET INTO MY CAR” or putting Huey Lewis in a Jonah Salk biopic  and not including a scene where a lab tech runs up to him and says “What are we going to do- we’ve tried every medication we have to fight polio and nothing works” so that Huey can respond  “I WANT A NEW DRUG!” I mean- COME ON. This is COMEDY GOLD HERE, PEOPLE.

For, you see, Sharknado 2 isn’t a movie that starts at 1 and goes up to 11- NO, SIR-  this is a movie that starts at 11 and goes to HOLY SHIT THAT’S MATT LAUER AND AL ROKER KILLING A SHARK WITH AN UMBRELLA- FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!  But, what’s truly great about Sharknado 2– and what separates it from the other films in the sharksploitation ouvre is that, like a creepy Christian men’s group in the 90’s, Sharkando 2 keeps its promises. Writer/director Thunder Levin (real name- Thunder Levine) puts his MFA (Master of Fucking AWESOMENESS) to good use as he ties up every single loose end and delivers a satisfying punchline to every set up.

It’s like- when Fin goes up to the roof of the Empire State Building and Tara Reid is left on the ground, feeling all helpless and shit because her hand was bitten off- and she looks over and just happens to see a spare blade for a rotary saw. And an electric motor. And some wiring. So she crinkles her face all up into that thinking position she learned in Face Yoga (Deeply Thinking Blonde) and she calls over her nephew to help her with an idea she just had. And me, as a viewer, I’m just sitting at home wishing and hoping and thinking and praying- could it really happen? Could this really be about to play out the way I think it’s going to play out? COULD LIFE REALLY BE THIS BEAUTIFUL? And then- ooh ooh ooh- and then, Fin is up on the roof and this shark is coming right at him and he he he he he can’t get his chainsaw to fire so you think he’s in a big fat huge mess of trouble but then BOOM out of nowhere Tara Reid appears and, before I see it, I hear the sound of a rotary blade spinning and then I see her stump with the motorized spinning blade attached it and then and then and then KER-CHOPO!!! She slices the shark in half and I think yes, Yes, YES – LIFE CAN REALLY BE THIS BEAUTIFUL!!!! Sniff…Sob. …Sorry… I just….I just need a moment here…talk amongst yourselves.  I’m all verklepht. She chopped through that shark like butter.

I mean, clearly, you have to acknowledge that Thunder Levin is a structural genius. No writer in history has ever more rigorously followed Anton Chekhov’s famous maxim  “Yes, keptin. Phasers on stun.”. Wait, no sorry- wrong Chekhov- I was thinking of this famous maxim: “If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. “ Only in this movie the gun isn’t on the wall, it’s in Tara Reid’s hand while she’s firing into the mouth of an oncoming shark – and when that gun is introduced later- well, then we get into a different area of Sharkando 2’s cinematic superiority. Romance.

Romance

Surely you’ve seen Sleepless in Seattle (blah blah blah blah blah blah calling me Shirley.) Annie (Meg Ryan) is on the observation deck at the top of the Empire State Building and is about to give up on Sam (Tom Hanks). Just then she spots Jonah’s (whatshisface- that kid who grew up ugly and hasn’t worked since 2006) backpack on the ground. She reaches into the backpack and pulls out a teddy bear. Sam and Jonah come back out to the observation deck looking for the backpack. Annie sees Sam. Sam sees Annie. They are transfixed. She returns the backpack and teddy bear to Jonah. Sam says they have to go. He invites Annie to join them. He takes her hand. Music swells. Camera pulls back. The lights of the Empire State Building form the shape of a heart. It is, without doubt, the most romantic ending of a movie to ever take place on the roof of the Empire State Building. Until now.

Tara Reid (Tara Reid. I refuse to acknowledge her by character name because that would imply that she is actually able to ‘play a character’ – which would, in turn, invalidate the entire art of acting and make my entire adult life meaningless. I’M HANGING BY A THREAD, HERE, PEOPLE. DON’T FUCK WITH ME. I haven’t had a crisis of faith like this since Denise Richards played a “nuclear physicimacicist”) and Fin Shepherd are on the observation deck at the top of the Empire State Building. They are all out of weapons and just about to give up. Just then, Fin spots the shark that bit off Tara Reid’s hand on the ground. He reaches into the shark’s mouth and pulls out her hand with the gun still clamped in it. BLAM BLAM BLAM – he shoots down all the sharks that are flying right at them. Fin looks at Tara. Tara looks at Fin. They are transfixed. Fin takes the wedding ring off the severed hand. He gets down on own knee. He proposes. She eagerly puts the ring on her remaining hand. He stands. They kiss as the sun begins to set over New York and the last of the sharks rain gently from the sky. Music swells. Camera pulls back. Fin declares “I love this City!” And, I think you’ll agree- it is without a doubt now THE most romantic ending of a movie to ever take place on the roof of the Empire State Building. So long Sleepless in Seattle. Hello Limbless in Sharknado. Fin Shepherd and Tara Reid- now that’s what I call an Affair to be Severed.

Casting

Sure, there were a lot of amazing action sequences and crazy athletic maneuvers throughout Sharknado 2– but the best stunts of all were pulled off by the casting department. Judd Hirsch driving a cab, Robert Hays (dude from Airplane. It’s ok – I had to Google that, too) flying the plane, Jared Fogle eating Subway ON THE SUBWAY (mind. goes. BOOM)- the list goes on and on. In fact, there were so many amazing cameos that it’s actually easier to come up with a complete list of the cameos that weren’t included in the movie, namely:

Spike Lee as a flight attendant on the plane at the beginning, wearing a red uniform. When the plane is attacked by sharks, he starts complaining about how he’s certainly going to be the first to be eaten by a shark because he’s black and wearing a red shirt right before he gets eaten by a flying shark because ….well, he’s black and also wearing a red shirt. So…yeah…what did he expect>

Aviva Drescher as a fellow patient in the hospital in the amputee ward with Tara Reid. As they are fleeing the hospital , Aviva throws her leg at a shark that’s flying right at them. Tara high fives her with her one good hand and a shark flies out of nowhere and eats Aviva’s good leg.

Tony Danza is driving a cab when he sees a shark flying of the sky headed right for Danny Pintauro and Judith Light. He pulls over, puts on a pair of boxing gloves, punches the shark in mid-air and shouts “WHO’S THE BOSS NOW?” right before he’s eaten by a flying shark.

Woody Allen as an elementary school clarinet teacher inviting a promising young Asian student up to his attic for “special tutoring” right before he’s eaten by a flying shark (named Dylan).

Chris Christie as a traffic cop trying to close the George Washington Bridge right before he is eaten simultaneously by two flying sharks.

Salt. Cause Pepa is already in the movie- and that’s just fucked up.  Why you gotta be hating on Salt, yo?

Jimmy Fallon as himself saying “this band coming up. I just love them so much. If you like good live music, you’ll love these guys. Good friends of the show. Here to perform ‘The Ballad of Sharknado’ My pals- QUINT!” right before a shark flies into the studio headed right for him to eat his head- until Questlove KILLS IT by throwing his Metrocard bowtie like a ninja flying star RIGHT INTO HIS EYE. IS THERE NOTHING THE ROOTS CAN’T DO?? Actually- come to think of it WHY WASN’T THIS IN THE MOVIE??? And, more to the point- why don’t The Roots have a series called “Rooting For Justice” where they fight crime and in every episode Questlove stops the bad guy by throwing his bowtie as a ninja star right before they sing Funkadelic covers??? Because, I have to tell you, if that was a real show I would never ever ever watch anything else. Except Sharknado 3. I’M NOT MADE OF STONE.

Rudy Guilliani coming out after the Sharknado is all over with to take credit for saving everybody even though he did absolutely nothing right before being eaten by a flying shark.

I think that’s about all of them. Any other cameo you could possibly imagine was already included in the movie. Al Roker & Matt Lauer actually ended up with more screen time than Tara Reid, most likely because, unlike Tara Reid, they can actually do a credible impression of a “human being”. They savagely killed a shark like it was Ann Curry or something, and kept up a steady stream of totally believable inane patter about the terrifying and bizarre weather conditions facing the City. In fact- it was their continual commentary about the weather that provided a lot of the film’s Social Commentary.

Social Commentary

When the first Sharknado happens, everyone kind of freaks out about it. People are all like “there’s no way sharks can be raining down from the sky! It’s absolutely impossible for a shark to attack in Beverly Hills! What do you mean there’s a shark in my swimming pool?? You’re craz…..aaarrghh!!!! Help!!!!!!” Chomp Chomp Chomp Blood Blood Blood. Dead.

The second time around, though, things are a little different. It’s not as much “oh dear God- how is this happening??” as it is “Oh crap. Not this again. Now they’re gonna cancel the Mets game.” Hell, they don’t even call it a Sharknado- it’s an “EF5 Sharknado” – and they even have little Sharknado graphics to show the progress of the storm on the weather maps. And, I’ll admit at first, this was hard to take- how is it possible that people can just accept something as totally insane as a tornado full of sharks??? Seriously- a “sharknado”? That’s preposterous! I mean, it’s not like it’s some normal, run of the mill, every day weather condition- you know, like a “polar vortex” or a “mega-drought” or a “super storm” or a “snowpocalypse.” Huh. Never mind. The only thing really preposterous about sharknado is imagining that there are enough living creatures still left in the ocean to actually make it dangerous. If we really did have a massive water spout over the ocean, it would have, like, five mercury poisoned sharks, three turtles with cancer and 600 billion Dasani bottles.

Anyhow, this is where Roker and Lauer come in- their conversation and commentary throughout the movie reminds us just how good we’ve gotten at normalizing the unthinkable. A comfy set, some guys in suits, the right computer graphics and pseudo scientific jargon and even something as crazy as a tornado full of sharks can seem just as every day and routine as Ebola virus, collapsing ice sheets and giant Siberian craters. You know, the simple things. Not rain in LA in July, though- cause THAT’S JUST FUCKING NUTS. MOTHER FUCKER!!! I just washed my car.

Alright- well, clearly you can see now why Sharknado 2 is the greatest movie ever made. That all being said, I do have a couple of teensy-tiny  itty btty niggling little concerns:

1. Why just sharks? Assuming that there are actually any living creatures left in the ocean- why would sharks be the only things scooped up in a tornado? Wouldn’t there be a whole cross-section of sea creatures picked up at the same time? I mean, sure, I get it- Sharknado is a much cooler term than “Hurriclam” or “Tunami” but technically, they’d all be in there flying around. All of which is to say, that if there were a giant water spout filled with sea life- it wouldn’t actually be all that scary – kind of like a really fast moving version of the Boston aquarium that crushes houses. Which, ok, I guess is sort of terrifying- but not as bad as a “twister with teeth”. Which- actually brings up my other itty bitty little petty concern- namely.
2. Even if it was just full of sharks, a Sharknado wouldn’t be any more dangerous than a normal tornado. I believe I mentioned this in my previous Sharknado post- but, if you do find yourself in a situation where sharks are flying out of the sky at you, the best way to defend yourself is not to use a chainsaw, but to take one small step to the left. Cause the shark’s gonna hit the ground, and it’s gonna die and then really the only thing you need to worry about is cleaning up shark guts. Now- I know you’re saying – ok Harry Horsecock- what if I’m in mid-air and the shark is flying right at me? Well- in that case, most experts would strongly recommend that you duck. Or, again, you can use aforementioned evasive maneuver and take one small step to the left so it flies right by and hits a wall. Or, hell, you can just stand there and let it hit you. Because it’s dead. And it won’t bite you. That being said, nobody likes getting hit in the face with a big dead shark (unless, you know, that’s your thing- which is totally cool, who am I to judge? Get down with your bad icthyologist self)- so it’s probably better to just duck.
   It would actually be much more terrifying if, instead of sharks, a tornado was full of jellyfish- because those sticky sons of bitches are a lot harder to avoid and they would probably stay alive long enough to bite when they land on you. Unfortunately, no matter how much I wracked my brains, I couldn’t think of a really good jellyfish related weather pun, so, alas, that movie will remain forever unmade. (Jel Nino? Jel Stream? Smuckernado? All terrible.)

So, yeah, Sharkando 2. Sure it’s based on a fundamentally asinine premise that makes absolutely no sense- but so is Birth of a Nation and that’s still considered a great movie by racist fucks. I’m not really sure how that helps my case, but shut up.

I guess what I liked most about Sharknado 2 is that it reminded me of my own recent return to New York. The way the City gets in my blood- and no matter how long I stay in LA, the minute I return, I’m a New Yorker again- cheering for the Mets, complaining about the trains and fighting off flying sharks with an enormous chainsaw- ok, well maybe not that- but definitely getting pizza.That’s way it was so perfect that they cast Kari Wuhrer in this movie because going back to New York is just like seeing her face- it looks vaguely familiar from the 90’s – but, God, there’s been SO MUCH work done.

So, yeah- definitely the best thing about Sharknado 2 is Fin’s return to New York. No, wait, that’s completely wrong- definitely the best part of Sharknado 2 is when Tara Reid turns her stump into a mechanized buzz saw shark killing machine. Oh yeah- and Will Wheaton getting Ehaten. And Ian Ziering riding a shark in the air. And Kelly Osborne getting eaten. And Judd Hirsch driving a cab. And Judd Hirsch getting eaten. And Quint’s totally awesome fake Ramones sounding “Ballad of Sharknado” theme song. And Downtown Julie Brown getting eaten. Wait- did she even get eaten? Who cares??? She should have been eaten and that’s the important thing and THAT’S why Sharknado 2 is such an amazing movie. Does that make sense? No? Who cares?? Let Richard Linklater worry about making sense. All I know is that he spent 12 years making one movie and Thunder Levin could make 12 perfectly good Sharknado movies during that time. So, surely that means Thunder Levin is the superior film-maker- doesn’t it?

Yes. It does. And, yes, Yes, YES I’m gonna fucking stop calling you Shirley already. But only if you call me Thunder Sims- which, I think, you’ll agree is a way cooler name than Harry Horsecock. Seriously – is there nothing that isn’t awesome about Thunder Levin? (There isn’t anything- and stop calling me Seriously.)