How do I begin to describe the makeover episode of the current cycle of America’s Next Top Model? I don’t. Instead this:

TYRA BANKS THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA.

Is that some Topdog/Underdog cosplay? (That’s for my theatre nerds.) No, it’s something called a “Beard Weave”. A weave…on your face. Otherwise known as…

A FAKE BEARD.

It’s a fake beard. Why are we playin’? And Tyra Banks assigned this Ty-Over (Tyra Banks Make Over) look to poor Denzel. Two things about that last statement: first, it’s another guys and girls cycle of ANTM and there’s a guy named Denzel. I wonder if Denzel Washington knows that there are aspiring models named after him? And they get fake beards during Ty-Overs? Yes, the second thing was the term “Ty-Over”. It’s another catch phrase that Banks created (or sanctioned). This cycle also saw the debut of Boom Boom Boom and Boom Boom Wow. Guys have Boom Boom Boom and the gals have Boom Boom Wow. It means abs you guys. Although I may start calling my vagina “Boom Boom Wow”.

The fancy model house and its coveted Tyra Suite also have some Banks Branding. For some reason that was probably explained in the first episode that I missed, the house has a weather theme with such fun new phrases like “Chicknado”, “Stud Storm” and “Boochblizzard”. Which I guess is a combo of “Bootie Tooch” and blizzard? I have to say Bootie Tooch* may be my least favorite of the Tyra-isms while Smize** is close behind. There are currently no Tyra-isms on the most favorite side.

What blows my mind is that there were most likely meetings about these sayings. Tyra: “How about ‘Pow To The Now, Yee-ooow’? You know, when your look is so current and now and ‘POW!’?” Staff: “Yes. Love it. Pow.” New Girl: “I was thinking that-you know when you’re pointing your toe and-how about ‘That’s the Point!’?” Tyra: “Those are real words.”

I tease Tyra but seriously, I do love this show. I don’t know why. I’ve even written about it before. Because, yeah, I’ve seen almost every episode of every cycle. Ever. I’ve watched marathons of cycles that I’ve already seen. I could probably name every winner and the city they went to. Maybe even in order but I don’t want to toot my embarrassed horn too much.

I should mention the drama that’s already unfolded by episode three. Miriana flirted and snuggled with Matt then felt bad because she has a boyfriend but now is taking showers with Denzel. Without the fake beard. Let’s take a moment, though, to give props to Denzel for accepting the fake beard whole-heartedly. Because no one else in the world would.

Matt is distracted by how fickle Mirijana is and also keeps saying what a beautiful man Will is. He even kisses him when they were drunk. To his credit, when confronted by others, Matt just shrugs it off. Yeah, I kissed him, he’s beautiful, so what?  I hope Matt doesn’t turn out to be an idiot because I want to root for him.

In other drama, Keith the Tyson Beckford look-alike won the key to the Tyra Suite twice and invited Kari both times. Actually, that’s not drama; that’s kind of dull.

Oh, wait! There’s a witch! Romeo (I know) is a tattoo-necked warlock whose voice doesn’t match his physique. It always throws me when a slender, feminine-featured man has a really deep voice. It’s like when guys who look twelve have really deep voices. Not bad. Just surprising. We’re brought up to have pre-conceived notions based on past experiences. So when Romeo opens his spell-casting mouth and talks shit about everyone else because he is promoting the stereotype of being the loner into the dark arts, you expect a different voice. Something more whimsical.

Romeo got gray contacts for his Ty-Over. Other Ty-Overs include a girl with her long straight hair dyed black on one side and white on the other. That one kind of works for now. I always wonder about these extreme Ty-Overs*** because they often get disguised during the photo shoots, rendering them useless. I’ve actually thought about this. I’ve also noticed that when a Ty-Over goes wrong, Tyra doesn’t admit it. Instead she blames the stylists. Examples: “I’m going to have them redo that weave”, “I wanted Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby” and “It’s the wrong shape”. That last one was what Tyra Banks said when she saw the FAKE BEARD. It’s the wrong shape? I’ll say. The shape should actually be non-existent.

America’s Next Top Model is a guilty pleasure on the CW. Topdog/Underdog is an excellent play by Suzan-Lori Parks that won the Pulitzer Prize.

* It’s when you slightly stick your butt out but not too much because you don’t want to be too sexual in your photos. No porny poses, please.

** Smiling with your eyes. Otherwise known as squinting.

***Please use this in a sentence this week.