Folks, everyone has a reality show somewhere in the Uverse. I’m sure, unbeknownst to me, I have a series called “This Person Watches A Lot Of Television” or something equally catchy.  So you can’t be surprised when I tell you that Mark and Donnie Wahlberg have produced a show centered around their brother’s gourmet hamburger joint, Wahlburgers.

Now I’ve only watched one episode (called “5 O’Clock Is Dinnertime”) but I think I can honestly assess the whole series. Basically, the brother, Paul, is the chef at Wahlburgers and his mom, Alma, works there with him. Mark and Donnie are co-owners. In the opening sequence, Donnie and Mark say that Paul is the secret talent of the family but you wouldn’t know it by the amount of shit they give poor Paul. It’s a brothers thing, I guess, but I felt bad for him. Donnie goads him into having a “Sauce Off” with his mom while Mark encourages their childhood friend, Nacho, to campaign Paul to have a burger named after him by holding an impromptu eating contest in order to win favor. This does not work. I’m with Paul: I’m not a fan of Nacho. At one point, he goes back to the kitchen as Paul is working to beg to be Burger of the Month. I immediately said, “Who let him in the kitchen?” even before Poor Paul had a chance to say, “You can’t be back here.”  Later, Donnie shatters Paul’s whole world by revealing that Alma’s famous spaghetti sauce was not handed down generation after generation but was in fact given to her by her coworker at the bank she worked at years ago. He marvels that his whole childhood was a lie. Donnie reminds him that their mother is Irish and not Italian. OK. So maybe I see why it would be fun to taunt Paul a bit.

Hey! Did you know that Donnie is dating Jenny McCarthy? I didn’t either. Thanks, Wahlburgers! Donnie brings her home to Boston to meet Alma. Paul offers to create a Burger of the Month for her. (In your face, Nacho!) He decides to go with a Chicago inspired hot dog burger with lots of condiments. Sounds gross but Jenny sincerely likes it. Oh yeah, another thing I learned: McCarthy is from Chicago.

Are you in suspense? Who won the Sauce Off?!? All the friends and employees of Wahlburgers vote but the final say comes from Mark. They actually jar their sauces and send them to him in Los Angeles.  And did you know that there is a real Johnny Drama? I never watched Entourage but I didn’t think he was a real dude. One little Wahlburgers has a lot of trivia in it. Like how the Wahlbergs were poor and Alma had to scrap together food for the nine (!) kids. Donnie mentioned Welfare Cheese a few times and also described an English muffin pizza with the aforementioned cheese and boloney. That kind of creativity must have inspired Paul. But not enough to win the Sauce Off! Yep, Alma’s Co-opted Meat Sauce beat Paul’s hands down. Yet another thing the family can give Paul hell about.