Loading...It all started with a visit to the ABQ Museum of History and Art. There we enjoyed a guided tour of a vibrant exhibit of African-American Art and wandered through a determinedly multi-cultural display of historic artifacts representing early life along the Rio Grande valley- Spanish Armor and muskets, Native American Pottery. “Vamos back to Spain or we’ll shard you into oblivion!” Yeah, we all know how that turned out!
Then, on to a room full of ornate saddles, stylized leather and lace costumes, intricately woven ceremonial ponchos, and other unique accoutrements of Mexican rodeo pageantry.
A reserved, scholarly museum docent conscientiously pointed out the snake and eagle shaped handles on the ceremonial swords carried by the horseback riders; the traditional familial patterns in the geometric designs on the ponchos; the smooth pale leather coated saddle pommels…and then her voice dropped to a whisper as she beckoned me to examine the saddle pommel up close. With an undocently giggle, she informed me in hushed tones that the saddle pommel was covered by “the tightly stretched skin of a bull’s scrotum.” Whooeee! I love art!
All this culture can make a person hungry. Right around the corner from the museum’s sprawling structure and sculpture laden 
lawn is a modest adobe building which for 30 years has housed The Candy Lady store. The small, cramped shop is stuffed like a Kaluah cream-filled truffle with sweets. In addition to the scrumptious truffles, there are chocolate caramel nut confections, malted milk balls, licorice sticks, trays of fabulous fudge. In a tiny alcove marked “Adults Only,” lie shelves of chocolate boobs, male genitalia, provocative nude figures- all of whose chocolate forms are artfully decorated with titillating spots of pink frosting. These edible naughty bits ( a staple of bachelor/bachelorette parties and 40th birthday bashes) share space with mildly risqué greeting cards, and T-shirts with wink, wink, nudge, nudge messages like “Dip me in chocolate and have me for dessert.”
Legend has it that in 1982, The Candy Lady’s “sex-themed candies” (as the ABQ Journal so delicately recounts) aroused an “angry protest” by a local church. But, to the disappointment of those party-pooper parishioners, their case melted like a cocoa cock in a hot tub. It seems the city officials couldn’t find a single prudish zoning ordinance that The Candy Lady had violated!
With the advent of “Breaking Bad,” The Candy Lady expanded its tasty tongue-in-cheek offerings and began selling meth-blue rock candy. Stuff a fistful of these cool ABQ souvenirs in your backpack and saunter through the Sunport security line. I dare you!
You’d think that all would be mellow as mint in this endearing scrap of Old Town real estate. But, no. In a show of arrogance, avarice, and all-around idiocy, the son of The Candy Lady’s landlord (Boo! Hiss!) has decided to get all legal and sign-on-the-dotted-line about the shake hands and pay as you go agreement dear old dad had for decades with The Candy Lady. A pox on your penuche, you two-bit Trump twerp! It looks like The Candy Lady will be ousted from its venerable location in family friendly, quaint and cozy Old Town, and in its place will be a gun shop! How’s that for going ballistic?
Which leads neatly from sweets to this sour morsel from the ABQ Journal, bearer of the banal and the bizarre. This incident actually occurred in ABQ’s neighbor city, snooty, artsy-shmartsy Santa Fe, where anyone with a clay pot and a corny painting of chili peppers can call themselves “collectors.” Santa Fe , where an “artist” and her boyfriend were arguing about space aliens and she got really pissed and ….What?! Oh, the space aliens. Well, you know, should they be allowed to get NM driver’s licenses; or be granted intergalactic political asylum; or be forced to learn English and be forbidden to speak Venusian while bagging groceries at Whole Foods? The usual stuff.
Anyway, this enraged artist reached between her legs, performed an intimate act, and whipped out a gun from her private lady parts. Although there was absolutely no chocolate involved, this pistol packin’ mama was arrested and booked for aggravated assault.
Note to space aliens- If you can read this, you’re way too close to ABQ crazy rays. Take my advice. Beam yourselves up and away! Warp speed, Mr.Sulu!
Try Roswell.
Just another day in the Q. How sweet it is!
