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[Desert Droppings] Sonny Wants A Naughty Bit! – Maturity Gets Parrot-eed

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We had a great Passover visit with a guest I’ll call, in the most complimentary way, Childish Adult Visitor  (CAV).  He arrived from LA toting a stuffed parrot and a hotdog-on-a-stick puppet, both part of his “work.” Right!  “Childish.”  No, I don’t mean the dreamy, poetic sounding “childlike.”

“Childlike” implies intentional innocence, wide-eyed endearing enthusiasm, and awwwww- inspiring cute images that sell hokey Desert--041614--hotdogdiamond heart bracelets, organic dog food, and Cialis. (His n’ Hers bathtubs- awwwwwwkward.)

“Childish” is impulsive, uninhibited, fiendishly silly, and really entertaining.

Childish Adult Visitor (CAV): I wanna take my stuffed parrot and my hotdog-on-a-stick puppet to Old Town- now, Now, NOW! I’m 41 and you’re not the boss of me, Nyah!

H-O-A-S puppet, no way!  Oy! You could poke out an eye with that stick! But the parrot looks fairly harmless, so OK. The parrot’s name, BTW, is Sonny.  I had thought “Sunny” as in cozy, warm, and cheery. But, no, it’s “Sonny” as in Corleone (“Don’t youse stop at any tollbooths!”  As if NM even had tollbooths! Who wants to pay $$$$ to go 75mph to get to Tucumcari or Farmington faster?!)

So we took Sonny, the stuffed parrot and his CAV buddy  to Old Town and beyond.
First stop on the tour – The Candy Lady (thecandylady.com) in her bright, new location just around the corner from her old spot.  An Old Town Festival event was just winding down and The Candy Lady’s glassed-in front porch was crowded with folks snapping up Breaking Bad t-shirts, mugs, caps, and cards and posing for postable pics in those black Heisenberg hats.  But CAV and his sidekick Sonny were on a mission! Would it still be there? YES!  The naughty candy  “For Adults Only” room was well-stocked. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

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CAV: What do you think, Sonny? Should we get two extra large chocolate penises and a pair of boobs? How about those tie-dye hued penis pops? Smile, Sunny. This pic with the hee hee boobs and penises is for posting on Facebook.
With Sonny on his shoulder, and a last, loud, explicit tally of his sexy sweets selection, CAV moved on to choose an assortment of fudge from the trays of famous flavors- orange cream, maple pecan,chocolate red chile, and more. Easter treats, truffles, licorice, and many other delectable specialities were also on display.  All in all – a successful site shift. Mazal Tov!
Would the ebullient Candy Lady, herself, Debbie Ball, pose for pictures with Sonny the Parrot?
“Sure!”  Something for CAV to tawwwwwk about back home.

Desert--041614--Candy

Well stocked with munchies, we followed CAV and Sonny around the block to the ABQ Museum of History and Art. CAV discovered a set of life-sized metal sculptures depicting the Spanish arrival in what would eventually become Albuquerque, NM.  Within nano seconds, CAV had Sonny cavorting among the statues- nestled in a Madre’s arms, squawking “This Land is My Land” on the shoulder of the  Conquistador  leader, getting horny with a grinning sheep.

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A lot of laughs for Sonny and CAV, but permit me to bawwwwwk at the rather one-sided  sculptural message here.  Just so you know- when the Spaniards arrived in NM, there were already many thriving Native American pueblo cultures here.  And the Spaniards didn’t always appreciate the pueblo presence.  BUT- here’s the good news!  Many of those pueblos now have huge casino-resorts. At any given moment, hundreds of players, including descendants of those sculptured Spanish pioneers,  are dropping big bucks into the slots and other gaming attractions  on pueblo lands. Olé!  Awwwwwwk!Desert--041414--icecream

A few miles east of Old Town, to wind up our tour with Sonny and CAV, what could be more childishly enticing than ice cream in a unique toy, game, and 60’s memorabilia filled shop called “I SCREAM Ice Cream.”  There, Sonny joined Pudge Penguin for photo ops on Lady Liberty.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled bird toys yearning…”
If I wasn’t taking photos with my iPad, I’d swear it was the psychedelic 60’s and we’d just had a few magic mushrooms!
Would the genial I SCREAM guy, himself, Bill, pose for pictures with Sonny the Parrot?”
“Sure!” No grown-up hesitation here. Just amused, matter-of-fact, like we were asking for another scoop of blueberry buckle.

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In the adult world , the pings have stopped; the Ukraine’s crumbling; the NASDAQ’s down; The ABQ Journal is all crime and crumminess; and TWD is over for the season.
ABQ child’s play with Sonny and CAV was a really welcome diversion. Thanks, guys! Come back soon.
Maturity is soooo overrated.  Awwwwwk!

Desert- 041614-hotdog

[Desert Droppings] Bulls’ Balls, Bonbon Boobs, & The Nastiest Gun in the (South) West

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It all started with a visit to the ABQ Museum of History and Art. There we enjoyed a guided tour of a vibrant exhibit of African-American Art and wandered through a determinedly multi-cultural display of historic artifacts representing early life along the Rio Grande valley- Spanish Armor and muskets, Native American Pottery.  “Vamos back to Spain or we’ll shard you into oblivion!” Yeah, we all know how that turned out!
Then, on to a room full of ornate saddles, stylized leather and lace costumes, intricately woven ceremonial ponchos, and other unique  accoutrements of Mexican rodeo pageantry.
A reserved, scholarly museum docent conscientiously pointed out the snake and eagle shaped handles on the ceremonial swords carried by the horseback riders; the traditional familial patterns in the geometric designs on the ponchos; the smooth pale leather coated saddle pommels…and then her  voice dropped to a whisper as she beckoned me to examine the saddle pommel up close.  With an undocently giggle, she informed me in hushed tones that the saddle pommel was covered by “the tightly stretched skin of a bull’s scrotum.” Whooeee!  I love art!

All this culture can make a person hungry.  Right around the corner from the museum’s sprawling structure and sculpture laden Dessert--012214--Candylawn is a modest adobe building which for 30 years has housed The Candy Lady store.  The small, cramped shop is stuffed like a Kaluah cream-filled truffle with sweets.  In addition to the scrumptious truffles, there are chocolate caramel nut confections, malted milk balls, licorice sticks, trays of fabulous fudge.  In a tiny alcove  marked “Adults Only,” lie shelves of chocolate boobs, male genitalia, provocative nude figures- all of whose chocolate forms are artfully decorated with titillating spots of pink frosting. These edible naughty bits ( a staple of bachelor/bachelorette parties and 40th birthday bashes) share space with mildly risqué  greeting cards, and T-shirts with wink, wink, nudge, nudge messages like “Dip me in chocolate and have me for dessert.”
Legend has it that in 1982, The Candy Lady’s “sex-themed candies” (as the ABQ Journal so delicately recounts) aroused an “angry protest” by a local church.  But, to the disappointment of those party-pooper parishioners, their case melted like a cocoa cock in a hot tub. It seems the city officials couldn’t find a single prudish zoning ordinance that The Candy Lady had violated!
With the advent of “Breaking Bad,” The Candy Lady expanded its tasty tongue-in-cheek offerings and began selling meth-blue rock candy. Stuff a fistful of these cool ABQ souvenirs in your backpack and saunter through the Sunport security line.  I dare you!Dessert--012214--CandyMeth

You’d think that all would be mellow as mint in this endearing scrap of Old Town real estate.  But, no. In a show of arrogance, avarice, and all-around idiocy, the son of The Candy Lady’s landlord (Boo! Hiss!) has decided to get all legal and sign-on-the-dotted-line about the shake hands and pay as you go agreement dear old dad had for decades with The Candy Lady.  A pox on your penuche, you two-bit Trump twerp! It looks like The Candy Lady will be ousted from its venerable location in family friendly, quaint and cozy Old Town, and in its place will be a gun shop!  How’s that for going ballistic?

Which leads neatly from sweets to this sour morsel from the ABQ Journal, bearer of the banal and the bizarre.  This incident actually occurred in ABQ’s neighbor city, snooty, artsy-shmartsy Santa Fe, where anyone with a clay pot and a corny painting of chili peppers can call themselves “collectors.”  Santa Fe , where an “artist” and her boyfriend were arguing about space aliens and she got really pissed and ….What?!  Oh, the space aliens. Well, you know, should they be allowed to get NM driver’s licenses; or be granted intergalactic political asylum; or be forced to learn English and be forbidden to speak Venusian while bagging groceries at Whole Foods? The usual stuff.
Anyway, this enraged artist reached between her legs, performed an intimate act, and whipped out a gun from her private lady parts.  Although there was absolutely no chocolate involved, this pistol packin’ mama was arrested and booked for aggravated assault.
Note to space aliens- If you can read this, you’re way  too close to ABQ crazy rays. Take my advice. Beam yourselves up and away!  Warp speed, Mr.Sulu!
Try Roswell.
Just another day in the Q.  How sweet it is!